I started a second blog for my little nods of the world around me. Maybe someone will want to share in my signal. Alas it is still new and does not have so much as a feather as a wing yet. I came to this site to do some maintenance and some venting… let’s see how that bloody well works.
Tag Archives: still alive
Inside Out
My post yesterday felt a little on the dramatic side. I can feel like I am in some very dark places some times. My life… swear… feels like I am caught in some Greek tragedy. It is the Groundhog Day from Hell.
None the less, I am still navigating and keeping from sinking. I try and stay strong, though I am as weak as the bones I was carved from. I see all the faults of my parents in me. But I also see the strengths as well.
I am done faulting my father and my paternal lineage with where I am and who I am these days. There is a point where I am old enough to consciously make decisions for my self and take ownership of who and where I am.
The inner conflict I face sucks, but the horrible truth is I have to suck it up and find myself somewhere inside.
Happy Veterans Day: My Lemonade Tale
I often see very positive energy coming my way and while I see it, energy does not always become matter. I wish there was more of a manifestation of something of that energy… or how that energy can drive me forward into more internal passion.
My passions are often generating energy that do not always land in a way that makes my journey stronger. I do a lot of things. I try and give a lot of myself. I try to expect nothing in return. Somehow, I feel like it is making me some karma coins yet something my mom told me once still seems to be a curse that floats over me: “If it weren’t for bad luck you would not have any luck at all”.
That statement was not a dig against me. It was not a negative dumped over my head. It was an inescapable truth in my life seeking to become more in my life. What sucks is I never really seem to be able to find the rung in life to get me beyond broke and drifting.
I think I am still looking for someone to be a mentor. It is something my dad never was. He, if anything, had a goal of hallowing me out with abusive context. I can count one occasion where he helped me in a place where I felt stronger inside.
I joined the military early on and spent 6 years doing something I loved. But, for stupid reasons, I bailed on that because I was looking at the green grass in the neighbors year. I let someone else talk me out of something good and frankly I have had to relive that regret over and over to this day. Not just the refret of leaving the Air Force like I did, but it seems I was destined to relive the scenario over and over.
It might have been over a relationship, job, decision to do something usually ending up with me making the wrong choice.
My step dad told CMonster once: “Scott will do what Scott wants to do…” which might sound stubborn. But more times than I could count I made a decision based on someone else’s logic I ended up regretting it. If it was a decision based on my own bad choice then it was a lot easier to live with.
I know who I am: Soldier, Loyalist, Community Activist, Human.
I know what I do best in the right circumstances: Love, Lead, Create … in my humble opinion.
Dogs: Past and Present
I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Yesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.
2014 September Check-in
Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.
- Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
- my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
- my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.
What am I avoiding?
- job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
- place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.
I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.
my last note to Alexanders
I want to thank Erin and Sean for your incredible empathy during this crazy time. When I came by the restaurant yesterday I was able to remember how much I really appreciate this group of people I worked with.
I also told Sean a story that for me is the premise of my departure. I was upset and a little demoralized over the name calling stuff, but the impact was the real lack of healthy communication between Gail and I.
I tried on several occasions to build a communicative bridge with Gail and requested conversations that never resulted in anything positive.
- I had a review at 30 days that rated me at “average” but the feedback I got was widely negative. I was gobsmacked and the conversation was one direction; even sections reserved for me to fill out on the form were filled out by Gail.
- I tried again before the 90 day period was up. I got an email from Gail where she told me “It’s my job to help you succeed” but that never happened. It was before her vacation and I am certain the motivation was just to keep things steady in the department.
- At the beginning of January I heard her say, a couple times over, “I have to work with that I got” and it seemed to be directed at us as a team; as if she was stuck with us.
- I talked to her about increasing my pay once and she said I had to wait for 1 year before that happen. In the scope of that conversation there was no discussion about her concerns that I recall.
In fairness Gail did voice complaints about some of my processes and I tried to address them and make corrections. Unfortunately there was as if always something wrong but I worked really hard to demonstrate my passion and commitment and it never made an impact which led to this point right now. There was never a positive comment.
I was dismissed by Gail early on, but I was a warm body. The only thing I could think of as the foundation of our problems was my age over her 20 something other employees and a complete lack of interest by Gail to build a positive working relationship.
I love the ideas she had with food. She was incredibly creative in her menu presentations. I learned a lot in spite of the circumstances and am appreciative of all my other coworkers.
Scott
Drifting
Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.
Amazing is what amazing does
I saw this today in a stupid commercial… but it’s what is missing when a lot of people look at me and the things I do. “A lot of people” seem to exclude a lot of faeries and burners I know… but…
“Normal can never be AMAZING”
In spite of how much people have wanted me to I have always shed the normal path of life. Even with the good decisions and the bad ones I found myself staring fate right in the face.
I have lived my life dreaming. I also remember a childhood being told by a father how I would always be a failure. In the end, I traveled a big chunk of the world and I met movie stars, rock stars, know some of the finest DJ’s on the planet and have felt immense joy and immense anguish. Flown in jets, helicopters and felt such love. I fell down a lot. But I keep getting back up.
I can stand here facing an unknown future and still do a happy dance with amazing people. I worry about my mom and I feel like I failed her, my stepdad and my amazing Tom-Dog. I love them so much. My step dad has been more a dad than the biological one I once knew. I want to do more for her… I would do anything… but being average or normal was never my calling.
NOT A PITY PARTY… but I stand here shedding regrets while respecting the possibilities of the future. I have struggled to toss off the demons and while some are still clinging on hard and firm I have hope. I have this resilient and occasional fleeting sense of hope that keeps me alive.
Damn, too much time on ones hands is not good. I have a ton a ton of shit to do. As I told a friend last night… I got to clear out my negative baggage and move on.
I seek an amazing life. No time for the negative.
just gotta write something
I tend to let this thing slide because I am going in too many directions at a time and just need to let people – who give a shit – I am still alive. And I am!
Yes, still with “C” and we are fast approaching year 1 together and this is my best relationship ever. We have had some shit-storms but what relationship hasn’t.
Still working and details on that are at www.RedCarte.com where I have managed to create more posts than here recently. At least there you can see pictures of the stuff I made.
The first holiday of the season was a ship-wreck (Thanksgiving), but more details on that soon too. I need to update this fucking page.
I have found a new sickness… called Tumblr. But I might add something tonight that will feed into this site, too. Mucho naked boys that make me 8===O boink! Talk soon!