Tag Archives: lynn

a letter to Jack K I will never send

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It’s been a while since there was any communication and it is probably better that way as long as things are the way they are. All the reasons it seems you, Sandy and Lynn seem to think I walked away  are whatever you can imagine. I know the things I heard are wrong, but it is what it is.
I decided to just let go and tell you I think about you quite a bit, but based on life experience so far it’s not worth hoping to anticipate any further relationship in this lifetime.
That day I woke up and realized you and I will never be the same members of any kind of loving family  was not the same day I lost you as a dad. While you were still a father who still showed some level of compassion I now know I lost you when I was about 13 with divorce and soon after the final grave stone seems to be the day you met Beth; of all things.
Subsequently in the years before I joined and left for the Air Force in 1983 you told me:

  • you (to me) will never be worthy of carrying your last name (thankfully it dies with me anyway)
  • you (to me) will never amount to anything and I am worthless

Geez, just those few things were worth three years of therapy that at some point I thought I got past and when in a bout of self pity realized just how much your voice was still in my head.
That day, a few years ago when I hung up the phone after our conversation I realized that everything was wrong with this toxic and sick relationship. It would never be better. In recent times I also began concluding that the problem is really in me: the damage is inside of me and it is my responsibility to get past THAT and find my future and my voice.
If I emulate anything that is like you I try and change it; to kill any part of you inside of me. You voice, your thinking, your being is like acid to me and I can’t hope for a future that has you or your daughter in it. You are definitely perfect for each other.
Say what you would about my mom, Sallie, but she has been a pillar of steel and survived and thrived and shown more love and backbone than you ever did.
As for your deluded and self-involved daughter her sad soul has to deal with the lies she said about me. So good luck. Goodbye. I am tired of fighting your voice, your self-involved bullshit. I HATE how much I am like you in so many ways. I really do.

Bill Collectors

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My mom called to say a bill collector looking for me called my biological sister looking for me??? I have not talked or communicated with her in decades.
Insane. I have walked away from some pretty awful family. That is my sister and my father.
Step dad Bob was a better dad than mine ever was. Ugh. See previous posts #father.
Anyhoo. Happy Monday!
Maybe it should also be noted I have no idea what this bill collector could be calling about. Sigh.

The road less traveled is I

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I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?


those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.

  • Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
  • C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?


Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!

Baggage

For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t.  They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:

  • his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
  • his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy

You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:

  • I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
  • I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that

So what do I do now?

It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:

  • quote: “Fortune favors the Bold“
  • quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.”
    – Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black“

A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work

A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work