After my previous post, maybe right now a Quija Board is not in my immediate future. After reading through, even for me, I cannot justify trying that right now.
Just reading through some of the things I posted and read on the sites linked I figured I am not in a place to use it.
Sigh… I am off to work soon anyway. I am at a job I am starting to hate, too. Not sure if it is my own attitude or just that I am not feeling it. I am told I bitch too much and my own outlook (attitude) is a factor and I am trying to reflect to see if that is the case.
Love & Light, yo
Tag Archives: life
Updates and Stats
Taken by Justin of Justin & Nathan www.sunguardians.net my camp mates!
Funny about keeping a personal blog updated… sometimes this damn things reallllllly get’s neglected. I let it go more than a year on design and software. After all the updates, all my configurations were erased (thanks WordPress).
Now the bloody thing is updated again and I am not sure how to use it. I will keep letting things flow out of my head on this but will try and do in the good times more, less in the harder times, though it helps to get things out.
Once upon a time I had a lot of followers on this thing. I think about a year ago someone creeped me out so I backed off on the postings. Since coming to San Francisco I have had far more than my share of creeps.
Is anyone out there reading this stuff? Please add comments below. I am curious.
Goals and plans 2013 to 2014
Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful. Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:
- start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
- clean out my clutter and create more order
Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:
- September – December: Caught up on Bills / Debts
– I want to get some welding classes started
– I need a routine that includes health and fitness - December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
– Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
– Start planning for a future with C Monster - February – May: Stabilize life
– this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual. - June – August: Prep for Burning Man
– I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
– Buy a car - August: Burning Man
- September – a new year begins
Longer Term Goals
- 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
– after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
– buy a car
– C Monster should be in school starting this year - 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)
Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.
Us, We, Them: Trip Report Part1
I disappeared off the earth again for a few days while doing some self discovery. I went to a place I dreamed about going to for as many as 6 years; it was called Wolf Creek Sanctuary. The details on the people and history are on their web site, but going there is vastly different.
We learn about ourselves when we are snatched out of our routine, let alone our comfy and safe environment, and set in the deep Oregon wood like where I went. The space has an incredible history, mostly concerning my adventure was the last 40 years since it was founded by queer San Francisco radicals who were called: Radical Faeries.
The property is called a sanctuary as it is also a church with a lot of neo-pagan ideals. This event was called the Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries (SGRF) at Wolf Creek which makes sense since it is a sanctuary and a spiritual center. Personally, I felt I keyed into that reality fairly quickly as I was able to tap into energies around me that molded my time there; in some cases very far out of my control.
I plan on writing more about this and covering these subjects in detail in the next day or two and invite you to participate. I plan on returning to the community in October for Samhain (pronounced: Sow-when). Observations and things I feel like talking about include:
- Boundaries of the body and mind: what’s appropriate and what’s hypocrisy
- Radical Faeries meet Burners: principles of a community compared
- Gender and space
- Spirituality in the matrix versus perception and subjective interpretation
And there you have it…. just a beginning of the dialog to follow.
I came back changed – inspired – renewed – hopeful …. and unemployed so I have to face that dragon really fast. I wish I could take C Monster on that journey with me. But… while I was there and he was here he had his own experiences and he too seems happier. I hope we can stay that way.
New Path Ahead
Good Morning Monday… today I am unemployed and have no income coming in at all. I spent much of the weekend (when sober) contemplating how today was to begin. What are my goals? And how do I move forward within the scope of making all things, plans and dreams work. It can be done and I will manifest this destiny.
Leaving Dixie was leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, I got along extremely well with everyone there and really cared about my work and job but 1 single person was the fly in the soup and he happen to be the guy who ran the show; just a pitiful soul.
Alas I move forward and will further work to clear my spirit with a short spiritual retreat this week. I have been BLESSED with an opportunity to drop off the map for a couple days and go to Wolf Creek Sanctuary for the Spiritual Retreat and Men’s Gathering of which I have really dreams about going for years. I will be gone Weds through Sunday.
Meanwhile I will begin building a new base for myself and ground on which to walk. My path is built on a core of a positive outlook and assurance that I am good at what I do. Although some people in my life have a hard time understanding me and who I am inside others are quick to feel my confidence and help through supportive words and hugs that are unimaginably lifting.
Thank you Mark for your supportive words yesterday and thanks to many others too. When I left Dixie a lot of people congratulated me knowing well that I was miserable there working for a miserable human being. While some people would not see that as an excuse to leave they were not walking in my shoes. By leaving I upset a lot of my plans for this year; paying back debts as well as some of the things I value in my life experience. Certainly it could have damaged relationships with core people in my life (and may have), but faith is still something important to me. If you do not have faith in my then please step out of the way. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
Love & Light!
Saturnalia
So tonight I went to Saturnalia: Unbound Celebration! and as per usual the Faeboy Clan and the Comfort & Joy people created something so huge and so full of energy I left feeling that the scope of which was … stunning. So what the fuck was it about????
From Wikipedia with all their links: “Saturnalia was an ancient Roman festival in honour of the deity Saturn held on December 17 of the Julian calendar and later expanded with festivities through December 23. The holiday was celebrated with a sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn in the Roman Forum and a public banquet, followed by private gift-giving, continual partying, and a carnival atmosphere that overturned Roman social norms: gambling was permitted, and masters provided table service for their slaves.[1] The poet Catullus called it “the best of days.”[2] “
I went anticipating a evening of seeing people I cared about but I brought gifts of various kinds and gave of them openly who were open for it; or could accept them over duties needing to be performed.
I did shed any expectation of sexual gratification while that part seemed to be a part of the ancient rite while I went seeking connections. Now the connections I made were strong and with the help of some friendly fungus my metaphysical energies were really working at their highest levels.
I was literally shaking the first couple hours walking around or sitting with small groups not knowing what was going to happen or where the journey would let me off. I was in a roller coaster for the night and as I type this I am not entirely sure I am off of it.
Astrologically I am a a Capricorn male with a Chinesesign of Wood Dragon; my moon sign is apparently in Gemini and yes I believe in all that stuff.
I sat in the giant hot tub and realized the thing was a conduit; the water was anyway. I found out of 6 people 2, 3 or 4 were sparking in the dusk in my vision and there was nothing I could do to stop it. While I acknowledged some of the more powerful energies present I was stunned how many of them were what I identified as females.
One had a heart light that was blinding and though she was a beautiful, naked african american woman in the jacuzzi I could barely see her features for that heart light that grew so bright; Sarah.
Another was named Loki and when I reached out to talk to her she told me she did not self identify as female and I apologized for my assumption, but a female emanation could have come from the physical perception more than the sould revealed. However, I sensed there was something about her meeting Scratch that seemed more important.
See, Scratch pulled me out of a whole earlier that night with a powerful purpose of his own; he camptured all my energy that was shooting out all over and grounded me like a live wire. I would have had to leave much earlier of not.
Thank you Scratch!!
SO i folded myself back into the seen with a mixture of people connected to the event on a spiritual level, base sexual level and others who were completely clueless beyond the buffet. As is always in a radical inclusion style event, different people add to the salad.
I did try the jacuzzi again and found myself a victim in the water. Water is a powerful conduit and the shock of being so completely open drained me quickly. I dared not seek out Scratch again for his mastery for fear of abusing that gift. So I decided to leave with so much to be grateful for.
Sucks balls that I fell down the marble steps from the front of the house into the sidewalk on my way. Still very sore. But, I did have a LOT of the fungus in my head as well as the vodka… yeah, can work work together. I ventured alone in a direction I thought was home and eventually made it there.
Along the way there were so many souls and by then I was like a spent battery. I described my time to Bruce as being “obliterated” like at some point I was a mass of ions floating through the air drained of matter from the event. It was not until a solid meditation when I got home that I realized how supercharged I really was.
What does this mean for me? Where with my relationships go from here?
I opened myself up to a lot of people who at least acted like they understood the magic around us and ‘should’ appreciate the magnitude of what a great event does when it speaks to the right people.
About a year ago Wingheart talked about Queer Magic in gay men and I pointedly said not everyone had magic. While I still stand by that which he rejected truth is some my not have found their light yet? There were people there with light both bright and sometimes unfulfilled. Some were dark as shadows on a desert playa like ghosts. But I will say tonight I was blessed by many.
I did … miss my bf a lot and felt his absence deeply while knowing he would never have understood that night.
it’s broken
I have seen people walking around in this life and thought – he’s broken. You can see some people are stuck. Some people are still in the 70’s, 80’s or trapped in their own inability to latch on to life and move forward. Was it tragedy? Was it success in a certain time they glomed onto; like being really popular in the 70’s and are still trying to hold onto it. Or was it a tragedy that stopped them from growing?
Do you know what I mean or is it something only I see? I can say that honestly because in spite of some medications I take that kill my mental abilities I typically can really trust my senses. Seeing someone halted can’t be just a third-eye sort of thing.
Yesterday I was walking home from work and caught my reflection in a shop window and realized something… I am broken. The thought was like time slowed abruptly. It was like my mind cleared and a lot of the debris was shoved off the table. It was a shock.
Who am I? no… who was I am where am I now?
As I mentioned it was like a lot of debris was knocked off the table. The banquet table on my life was full of junk, rust, pack-rat stuff. It was as if the table was upset and some of the junk started falling off.
A lot of things started polling through my head as I wondered to myself… where and how have I become broken?
I said quite clearly earlier this year (I think) there is no more time for regrets [1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ] . I have carried too many for too long. Being upset about bad decisions of the past and letting go of them have not completely freed me in the present.
I have fallen down so many times and managed to get up. At times I have put the gun to my own head and pulled the trigger over and over. Following the links in the previous paragraph it becomes easy to map the stumbles and falls. I am also intensely aware of my failures and the memories of my father’s words… all pieces of junk on the table.
Broken
So, I am broken. I led a charmed life up to a certain point when Fate decided I had enough and was not giving back. My guardian angel (or whatever) seems to be sitting back and only jumping in on the serious shit.
I am broken. I have fallen and am struggling to get back up. I am swimming in the deep end with a diver’s weight belt on. The entry I made a couple weeks ago feeling like I was at the end of my rope is still on my mind.
Shifting
The plates under my feet slide apart when I look at this reflection in the glass while walking up the street. For hours after, I literally felt like my brain was a hard-drive rebooting. I really saw this reel of my life and saw something screaming at me I could hardly imagine being true. Maybe my burning man life was a fall-down moment for me. Certainly the partying that went a long with it. But, I am grasping what all this means still and will tell more in the future.
Based on my past entry
Well, I had some ideas to write something that fettered out my thoughts once again, but this one will start based on my last entry. CK and I have had a lot of little fights here and there, usually due to one form of personal insecurity or another. I think it happens when 2 people are in a may/december romance like we are.
I am 47 and CK is 31. Not a huge difference, but reality is he could be my son. If I were a Chinese guy. I have to remember that my anxiety and depression cannot always take control of my senses.
Last Friday night I really jumped down his throat and I was being really unfair. I am learning I need to pause and appreciate him. He loves me and I got to embrace it. I love him and he embraces it. We really have captured something special and I hope to see it continue to grow.
I do, I admit, hate aging like I am. Inside I am struggling to avoid being a grouchy old fart. I have that bit of extra chin fat that is driving me absolutely insane. I see it in every reflection around me. It drives me nuts.
Anyhoo.. I am just saying that I am okay and we are okay. CK won’t let me post anything about him online anywhere but I am waring him down.
baggage from father
I often feel like my tires are spinning fast and I am getting no where. I have a place in this world somehow and at 47 years old I have not really found out what the fuck it is. If there is one thing I don’t want to be is anything like my father.
It’s my baggage and I grew up with a man who, somewhere around 1973 to 1974, forgot how to be a father. Granted he had his own successes and his own victories in life, but to me he is just the asshole who verbally abused me and kept telling me I was a worthless piece of shit.
Somewhere along the line I believed him. I still have no amounted to much in the scheme of things. All I have is my honor and commitment to being the best person I can be, but I am deeply flawed. Often it seems that fate is against me. I failed people I love.
But I still try being the best I can. I fail from time to time. And I still don;t want to be anything like my father.
p.s. – I don’t know where this came from, because I came here to post something else entirely.
Snap Shot
I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.
Life
I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.
Today
Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.