Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read
So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????
Tag Archives: future
blah…blah…blah…
Well, if this goes like it has in my head right now… this is going to be one of those bitchy and whiny posts. I am stuck in sand and sinking. I drowning in my filth and am finding it harder and hard to breath with each day.
No work, no job, no faith, no reason, no ability to make it right. It makes swallowing that little jar of pills used to let me sleep at night that much more attractive. How do I get the point where I could finally just end it all.
It gets better for who? I have been sinking for 5 years. I feel so lost and unable to do the things I want to do… and now I feel like I can’t even do the things I need to do.
Pull myself out of these places by remembering or acknowledging that my problems are minor compared to everyone else.
I don’t have the right to wallow in my own fucked up feelings. I have feelings of abject failure; voice of my father nailing that coffin lid corner sealed. I failed my mom more times than I can count; there goes another nail. Failed my sister Lynn; coffin nail. Failed my sister Christine… well that was a broken nail. There must be 50 welll pounded nails I this coffin with each failure and regret I have managed to create in this life.
My hope is my creative output which is really quite good. I am talented. I write. I draw. I build cool shit. …and I love this guy named Chantha. But… I don’t know if I can sustain that and survive here in San Francisco.
So, what do I do now? Do I give in and leave and try and find somewhere I can survive? …okay something shiny in the corner… no one is reading this anyway. Fuck it. ….
When I win the Lottery
So what is hope? What is salvation? What is happiness? I can;t say I have known any of these things in such a very long time. There has been about a dozen times when someone read my palm, read my tarot cards or something and said I was going to have a great windfall in the not so distant future…
So there you go; I already won the lottery tonight and all you bitches should just go home home and fuck-off. I bought 5 tickets today and my mom bought 5 too. You can’t win if you don’t play… and I have leverage BECAUSE the universe said so!
I am visualizing it now.. I have the Secret… I see how it will all go down:
- All MY Bills & Debts Paid | Mom’s Mortgage | Dad’s Mortgage (yes, him too) | Hire a lawyer and an Accountant… not all necessarily in that order. I guess this is how I see the priorities.
- Review my finances and my ‘BIG PICTURE’ and then move on to the list of things…
- I see college funds for nephews, nieces and (choke) grand nephews and nieces…
- I see a car and a house in my future…
- I see a short vacation…
- I see me buying a restaurant somewhere and setting up shop until I drop fucking dead….
I would totally keep Chantha with me – I believe. He’s been an amazing boyfriend and I am glad he is in my life.
I would have to do something to make the world a better place somehow… homelessness is always something that really bugged the shit out of me. Can’t do anything for the fuck-holes that won’t help themselves or will spend the rest of their lives living off someone else.
I would have to make someone’s life better; or several someones. What can I do to make your road ahead a better chance of you being a success and be able to to the same for someone else??? NOT by handing you a wad of money… fuck that.
This is my promise… this is exactly what I always expected to do with my sudden wealth… I would make my life better and people that matter as well! Yes, I see it now… I got the secret.