Good Morning Monday… today I am unemployed and have no income coming in at all. I spent much of the weekend (when sober) contemplating how today was to begin. What are my goals? And how do I move forward within the scope of making all things, plans and dreams work. It can be done and I will manifest this destiny.
Leaving Dixie was leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, I got along extremely well with everyone there and really cared about my work and job but 1 single person was the fly in the soup and he happen to be the guy who ran the show; just a pitiful soul.
Alas I move forward and will further work to clear my spirit with a short spiritual retreat this week. I have been BLESSED with an opportunity to drop off the map for a couple days and go to Wolf Creek Sanctuary for the Spiritual Retreat and Men’s Gathering of which I have really dreams about going for years. I will be gone Weds through Sunday.
Meanwhile I will begin building a new base for myself and ground on which to walk. My path is built on a core of a positive outlook and assurance that I am good at what I do. Although some people in my life have a hard time understanding me and who I am inside others are quick to feel my confidence and help through supportive words and hugs that are unimaginably lifting.
Thank you Mark for your supportive words yesterday and thanks to many others too. When I left Dixie a lot of people congratulated me knowing well that I was miserable there working for a miserable human being. While some people would not see that as an excuse to leave they were not walking in my shoes. By leaving I upset a lot of my plans for this year; paying back debts as well as some of the things I value in my life experience. Certainly it could have damaged relationships with core people in my life (and may have), but faith is still something important to me. If you do not have faith in my then please step out of the way. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
Love & Light!
Tag Archives: career
Here’s the deal… me going to Burning Man
So, I had pretty much given up the idea of getting to Burning Man this year but Freddy called me and got me all stoked. Why did it take so long?
The problem is that if I go and do it wrong it will be very bad for me financially. That is, I could end losing a job I want and love. I will need to be gone for about a week and a half from a restaurant that is just opening.
How do I do it???
Finances
My current budget does not give me much room for making this journey but there are ways to afix that and Freddy has suggested I fly down into Vegas and ride up with him and Mike. That could work nicely. AND, the fact I could lose my job over this is additionally troubling.
My Mom
My mom has threatened to kill me if I go… yes, she has the right to. She brought me into this world she can take me out.
My Art Project
Have to get to the playa somehow and before opening (Saturday at the latest) as I am also trying to get early entry passes. I need to see if there is someway to get the project transported there for me and get help setting it up… if and only if I can get placed in Center Camp. I am not prepared for a playa art project. Alternatively, I will place it at camp with directed lighting… or not at all.
Help?
Is there someone or someones out there that might be able to help on any level?
- transporting the art piece
- making a donation to help with my transportation …
- then… will I have to look for a job?
it’s broken
I have seen people walking around in this life and thought – he’s broken. You can see some people are stuck. Some people are still in the 70’s, 80’s or trapped in their own inability to latch on to life and move forward. Was it tragedy? Was it success in a certain time they glomed onto; like being really popular in the 70’s and are still trying to hold onto it. Or was it a tragedy that stopped them from growing?
Do you know what I mean or is it something only I see? I can say that honestly because in spite of some medications I take that kill my mental abilities I typically can really trust my senses. Seeing someone halted can’t be just a third-eye sort of thing.
Yesterday I was walking home from work and caught my reflection in a shop window and realized something… I am broken. The thought was like time slowed abruptly. It was like my mind cleared and a lot of the debris was shoved off the table. It was a shock.
Who am I? no… who was I am where am I now?
As I mentioned it was like a lot of debris was knocked off the table. The banquet table on my life was full of junk, rust, pack-rat stuff. It was as if the table was upset and some of the junk started falling off.
A lot of things started polling through my head as I wondered to myself… where and how have I become broken?
I said quite clearly earlier this year (I think) there is no more time for regrets [1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ] . I have carried too many for too long. Being upset about bad decisions of the past and letting go of them have not completely freed me in the present.
I have fallen down so many times and managed to get up. At times I have put the gun to my own head and pulled the trigger over and over. Following the links in the previous paragraph it becomes easy to map the stumbles and falls. I am also intensely aware of my failures and the memories of my father’s words… all pieces of junk on the table.
Broken
So, I am broken. I led a charmed life up to a certain point when Fate decided I had enough and was not giving back. My guardian angel (or whatever) seems to be sitting back and only jumping in on the serious shit.
I am broken. I have fallen and am struggling to get back up. I am swimming in the deep end with a diver’s weight belt on. The entry I made a couple weeks ago feeling like I was at the end of my rope is still on my mind.
Shifting
The plates under my feet slide apart when I look at this reflection in the glass while walking up the street. For hours after, I literally felt like my brain was a hard-drive rebooting. I really saw this reel of my life and saw something screaming at me I could hardly imagine being true. Maybe my burning man life was a fall-down moment for me. Certainly the partying that went a long with it. But, I am grasping what all this means still and will tell more in the future.
a little prayer
The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.
It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.
So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.
On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.
He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.
But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.
Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.
I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.
God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.
Tuesday after
A night later and I am much closer to being healthy again. My formula for fighting any cold is a mass amount of Nyquil and Dayquil. I went to the market earlier today in a haze and performed several tasks where I felt I had to be very very careful.
Sober and Still Shaken
Not fully satisfied with discovering that I did not get the job I was vying for (once again) I am wondering what to do next. I wrote, in very frank terms, yesterday that I was quite upset by the whole thing.
Having broken through this cold and looking forward I am at a loss of what to do. I question about focusing on one career path of finding anything that will let me survive another day. It is inconceivable that I am still standing on the sidelines.
It’s time to take some of the static away. Well, that was actually about 6 months ago. There has been so much going on and at some point one just has to go full stop.
<< Pause || >>
Monday Monday
It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.
Today Sucked Balls!
And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
What Next?
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:
- if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
- if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????
See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.
The Weekend End
The weekend is almost over and definitely a weird one. I was able to predict… really without knowing… that we were 4 days following a full moon because there was some crazy ass shit going on around this city. Now that was Thursday. Thus… my weekend began.
On Wednesday I had the absolutely best interview at a restaurant that could really be a new beginning for me. When I get this I will be screaming from the rooftops. I will finally be able to break away from all this technical work; web design and social networking shit. It is amazing how annoying and angst inducing all this is at the particular time.
I am putting a lot of weight on getting this job and the tension filling me is amazing; and not in a good way. I have no where to go after this. Nothing right now and knowing that is grinding salt into the would.
I can see myself in this job and when I worked IN THE JOB as part of my audition I felt like I belonged there. This is a huge leap forward for me. It makes up for all that time I lost fucking off with one thing or another.
Fucking off over Burning Man shit, moving from one hell-hole to another… just trying to move forward in life and all I do is end up spinning in my own shit.
IF I did nothing… would I be with Adolfo still living in a dead relationship? Who knows? I am with Chantha right now and I feel like we are uncommonly linked. So weird.
I can’t base my life on my love-life, but having a partner like this makes life worth living. There is something lighter about every day when you have someone looking back at you that you know you love and loves you back.
No, we have not used ‘those words’ with each other and he emphasized like a couple times and my bullshit screen knows what he means.
Bottom line… I have to know what is happening with this job. I need to know if I have a future in this city. If not… what then? I have nothing left.
The pic above was from the Cherry Blossom festival today. Actually went there with Mark yesterday and Chantha today! He got a better pic of the hot drummer and when he gets it to me I will post it.
I am just prattling a lot tonight…. sorry about that.