Tag Archives: anxiety

I am a horrible human

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So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.

Me and Mom

Me and Mom


I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
Tom the Dog
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…

Happy New Year

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C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into.  It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old.  I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.

just gotta write something

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I tend to let this thing slide because I am going in too many directions at a time and just need to let people – who give a shit – I am still alive. And I am!
Yes, still with “C” and we are fast approaching year 1 together and this is my best relationship ever. We have had some shit-storms but what relationship hasn’t.
Still working and details on that are at www.RedCarte.com where I have managed to create more posts than here recently. At least there you can see pictures of the stuff I made.
The first holiday of the season was a ship-wreck (Thanksgiving), but more details on that soon too. I need to update this fucking page.
I have found a new sickness… called Tumblr. But I might add something tonight that will feed into this site, too. Mucho naked boys that make me 8===O   boink!  Talk soon!

Verbal Diahrea

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I feel like everything is falling apart around me and the things that I thought were making me happy are now things torturing me inside. This cannot be the right place… this cannot be the right state of mind… since I have been exploring this horrible anxiety and depression I have been saddled with it seems like things are hardly better for me.
The new job seems to be a good fit for me today, but I overheard someone inferring that I was not doing nearly as well as I thought I was. It pissed me off so much, but there is no one for me to vent to. I will not cause drama at work at all… will not. I can only put on a brave face and keep doing my best.
As for C… he left me this last weekend and went to visit friends out of the city. He left me alone and this was after a crappy fight we had Friday night. I was ready to walk away, but that was anger talking. It was not my heart… the wires between my heart and my brain finally reconnected and we talked it out on the phone. Seems we both have a temper and are both stubborn.
It’s been so many days since I have seen him and now my phone crapped out on me and I can’t seem to reach him through email to let him know and assure him I am not ignoring him. In fact, I am going to see if I can catch him on his way out of work and see if we can survive this hard time.
I posted this here before leaving because I wanted to channel the anxiety out of myself in some way… but ya gotta be careful what you put in the universe. The universe has been crapping all over me lately and I am at a loss what to do.
I took a long ass shower to think and it is the best place to just let thoughts flow. I hope to be venidcated because I am almost at the end of my rope. I am so tired of this life where I am constantly on the losing end of life; the but of fate’s joke.
Well, this is not helping. But… I am posting it anyway and heading out to see if my BF still loves me.