I have no friends. Well, I do but they are all so far away. This really sucks that I am alone in that area. While C Monster is very important to me there are people missing in my life right now that are beyond my relationship.
In San Francisco I am alone… and I feel it intensely some times. I know at least a thousand people here and no one to hang out with. Some people seem like they could be there but they are not. Maybe I am too thick to see them?
The thing is I have worked really hard on cultivating some things here, but the friendships have been based on the wrong things. I had a friend named Victor who left me in the dust. Repeat several times and insert the names JJ, Jaden, Mark and more into that slot and the story repeats itself.
I have left friends before. Only when I saw them hurting themselves or other people and I could not be a part of that. That was my call. I did it with my parents before they went into recovery. I did it to people I was closest to. But that took strength.
I am alone. In a room full of people I am alone. I wish I had something better to write
Tag Archives: anxiety
Welcome back stranger… you’re fucked
I have not been using this thing in a while. I kinda forgot about it for the most part. The thing is that over the last year I have been very conscience of the weight I have gained and the confines of my living situation with my bf.
There has been a lot of life hitting me in the face. Jobless – again. Dealing with a drunk – again. Life is just been a weird spinning ball of piss.
Done with the Debbie-Downer stuff now. On the positive note I went to my first Alanon meeting last week and found it eye-opening. I thought I was going for one reason and discovered there were other ones too. I heard voices from the people there and realized they were saying some of the same things I had to say as well.
The thing is that years of therapy and conscience has risen me above blame and dependence, but not free of my own shadows. It’s vague but it means something to me. Not that anyone is paying attention to this blog to begin with.
Thinking about why I severed my relationship with my father today… I remember how he thought it was because he would not give me money when I asked for it. I remember what it was like realizing that he would never see me more than an annoyance in his life.
There is plenty about the past on here already. I am tired of dealing with my past, with him, with whatever damage is in my own psyche. I have no one to blame but myself. Everyone has some form of fucked up childhood and those that don’t are really fucked up adults.
Inside Out
My post yesterday felt a little on the dramatic side. I can feel like I am in some very dark places some times. My life… swear… feels like I am caught in some Greek tragedy. It is the Groundhog Day from Hell.
None the less, I am still navigating and keeping from sinking. I try and stay strong, though I am as weak as the bones I was carved from. I see all the faults of my parents in me. But I also see the strengths as well.
I am done faulting my father and my paternal lineage with where I am and who I am these days. There is a point where I am old enough to consciously make decisions for my self and take ownership of who and where I am.
The inner conflict I face sucks, but the horrible truth is I have to suck it up and find myself somewhere inside.
Misery Myself
Lately things have been feeling so tightly wound that I feel like I am nothing but a bag of delicate twigs inside. Push a little on the outside wrapper and something inside breaks before it bends. It feels like that is all that is left in me.
Not that anyone is paying much attention. I know this blog is invisible to anyone that matters. I know my purpose in life is like a battery that lost its charge and alternatives keep looking better and better. Either way, I am such a coward. And I seem to be king of the pity-police.
Anyway, this web site has degraded itself into a platform for all my misery, I feel like the pity-me road started when I left Vegas and devolved into this. Whatever it takes to make change happen for the better I should find it soon or Plan B.
Just some whimsy
I turned 50 since I last really posted and this was the most unceremonious and non-validating year I have ever experienced. Is it weird I am having flashbacks to when I was a kid and I got cheated out of a birthday party when I was a Farrell’s Ice Cream 
Parlor when I was – like seven. We still lived in the San Fernando Valley at the time.
CMonster does try his best, but he is not equipped with a lot of common sense when it comes to things like birthdays, holidays or such. The thing is I know he loves me and for some reason on this planet I got lucky in the area of love once again. If you remember Adolfo (my ex) then you would know I have been lucky at least once before. I lost him for my own stupidity.
For whatever it is worth things are feeling very raw and I have to get my life on some sort of track so that I am actually moving somewhere. I figured out I have been much like a turtle since I left Alexander’s. I keep retreating into my shell and hiding from the world. Working on my stupid Burning Man stuff is the thing I seem to feel passionate about.
Me Myself and I – wait, did this one
So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.
I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented people” Coop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.
That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.
They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.
I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.
They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.
For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.
They love their friends but don’t rely on them.
Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.
When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.
Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.
When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”
Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.
They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.
Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.
They embrace their impermanence.
Yep.
They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.
You were saying…?
They live in the moment, but dream in the future.
#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.
They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.
Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.
Portland: Alone or Together?
I made another entry on here earlier today and also reached out to a few people in Portland and had this strange sense of purpose again. It was as if I was feeling like I had a direction again. Moving to Portland and seeing people there is something I think I need to really make happen. San Francisco is a situation that is just not a good one. It’s time for greener pastures.
The think is I got to set myself a timeline to work with and somehow manage to spend money. If I can keep my shit under control I should be able to be in Portland within 2 weeks. 1 drawback, my laptop is dead and all I have is a rusty old desktop that is barely alive. (Gotta talk nice because I am typing on the old girl now).
I have to find housing. I have to find employment. I have to get moving. There is a community in Portland that I have not been able to really get into here.
What about now?
I have been staying at CMonsters place now for what is going on 2 months and it is a month longer than I wanted to. It got pretty comfy here and living here was nice. I think it gave us a chance to see if we were able to live together. The thing is I am still not 100% sure.
There are issues and I was never too sure what those were. But, a comment my mom made really sent my thinking off into a spiral when it came to us. She called him childish. I am seeing where there is a real lack of maturity in him. In some ways it’s positive, but in a lot of ways he is really immature and it is starting to bother me.
We have been together almost 3 years now. He and I have had a fairly good relationship but this feels like the tipping point where it is make it or break it time. The way things have gone, the things that matter, have not been turning out so well. His drinking has been a pretty significant problem since we got back from Burning Man.
He has been black-out level drunk almost every other weekend. He has embarrassed himself more than anything, but the thing is the day after his binge I end up paying dearly having to suffer the biggest gloom-fest you can imagine from another person. It is actually painful to be around and it goes on the whole day after he sobers up.
We have had problem problems with his drinking since we met and it has thrown off the ledge more times that I can count. I have called my mom asking for advice, but no one really sees what I see; good and bad.
I am not sure where WE are right now. Even as I type this he is sulking and being a little jerk because his best friend (and personal douche-bag) is upset because he went to a ritzy event and got stupid drunk there. Yes, blackout level.
So, Portland I might be coming alone but I will get there.
What is a Friend?
One of the things I struggled with a lot here in San Francisco is that it has been really hard telling who I am friends with and who I am not. There are people I want to hang out with and I also want people to hang out with me. Sometimes those wants/needs/desires do not come together at the same time.
Who are my friends? And why do I find the people I care about most live the furthest away? Is distance the key to keep friendships with me? It is so frustrating.
Mind you I have some people I consider to be friends here, but there are times when it is clear that the friendship is one way. Not all, but it is a mutha-fukin’ struggle to get together with people. And I have discovered that party-friends are great when the party is happening but absent otherwise.
What I want in a friend is everything I am willing to give. Maybe that is not enough. Maybe that is the core of my failures in my hubris because I have failed on so many levels …it sucks. Not to play a tired violin but while I have taken inventory of my failures they are mine. And I am a good person…. who is flawed.
What kinds of friends do I think I want?
Completely platonic people who are interesting, creative and not pretentious to go to diner with and share a drink with on occasion. Male or female or other I love you all. *
*Something inside me is not finding this person. I have hangups that keep me from finding these people at this stage of my life somehow. I think I keep looking for this next category more:
Male friends who like the naked things who love going to playful places not necessarily wanting to have sex, but comfortable enough with themselves and others that boundaries are gray. Drinking and partying may be involved but nothing so wild it gets stupid. Dancing is great, let’s make a posse, but let’s not get lost but maybe let’s get dinner. **
**Again the problem with this group is that the agenda of the other friends seem to take priority over mine or our agendas are written in different books and converge only in passing.
A posse. I want a posse. I want a group of friends who like to have adventures – food – hanging out.
Yeah, I sound kinda fucked up, right? There were people I had to hang with then I lived in Vegas and back in my Boston days. I guess I expected to find that here in San Francisco but it just has not happen. It’s been pulling teeth trying to get people together in any situation here. So I am thinking it is really really time to leave and move on.
and a little venting….
I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.
Scott Aug 1966
I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack, #father, #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side
My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.
Me and Mom
Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.
The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?
2014 September Check-in
Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.
- Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
- my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
- my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.
What am I avoiding?
- job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
- place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.
I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.