Category Archives: WTF

Monday Monday

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It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.

Today Sucked Balls!

And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
What Next?
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:

  • if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
  • if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????

See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.

a dream last night

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Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read

So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????

12 Hours of Shame

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There is a guy in Vegas that I know whom I will call Papaburner who once told me, via Facebook, that drama follows me. While I had to get over the initial appalled reaction… it seems to be unfortunately true. I know it’s true. I have this uncanny ability to bring an energy with me that is going to cause a shift in the universe.
Think I am imagining things? Nope. No. Uh-uh. Without a doubt, every person I come to know or become close to, every company, organization … if I become intimately involved with it some great (not great as in good necessarily) change will happen to shake the foundations of it.

har·bin·ger/ˈhärbənjər/

Noun:
  1. A person or thing that announces or signals the approach of another.
  2. A forerunner of something.
Synonyms:
herald – forerunner – precursor – messenger – portent

So I borrowed a Google Search definition of a word that I have associated with myself. Harbinger of Change like some kind of figure from an episode of Supernatural.
Stories in the last 12 Hours
So, I ended up going to bed alone last night because Chantha went to a party his roommates were throwing. Chantha has a problem when it comes to alcohol and he simply does not know when to stop or how to stop. He promised me he would go 3 months without drinking just to prove he could and he has been drunk at least 3 times since.
Well, he ended up staying home last night and called me all fucked up about 1 a.m. at least to tell me he was okay.
I do love this guy and we each have our problems and have been very supportive of each other. It’s been 4 months plus now and I want to keep him. The drinking thing is something I think we need help with.
But that’s not all!!!!! Last night I woke up to piss about 5:30 or so and I hear my 20-something male roommate and 20-something wife of another roommate in the kitchen. male looks around corner nervously. While in toilet hear them go onto back porch sounding like there was some definite flirtations going on.
Just NOT my pace to interfere… right? Not my place to get people to have some sense not to fuck each other …but shit happens.
So by 6:30 20-something girl/wife is crawling into my MY bed telling me she screwed up. She’s all fucked up on some mix of tranquilizers and wine and I figured out much of everything when I head the front door slam as husband left abruptly.

Now, this is not the first time she came crawling into my bed drunk or fucked up or whatever. One night Chantha and I were sleeping and all of a sudden there she was crawling in on top of us.

Chantha is all like… I was naked under the covers …like it was a big deal.

Well, hubby is still out of the house and 20-something male roommate is in his room sleeping. There is a lot to the back-story that does not need to be aired ever, but none the less, in the land of the inappropriate I think we found the epicenter for the morning.
We had a family dinner planned for tonight where all of us and significant others were going to have dinner together, but me thinks that is in the toilet now. So much for that…
 
…so I have been thinking about my next step. Maybe this is part of that message that it is either time to leave or something???? Still not figuring out what the universe is trying to tell me. BUT, me thinks San Francisco is just too hard.

What just happen????

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This is actually part 2 of a story… or shall I say the non-readers digest version. I posted a very clean version of this tale on www.gayburners.com choosing to leave off many of the details because it was just too bizarre.

Castro Street Fair

Distinguished Gay Men LogoIt all started at the Castro Street Fair when I was approached by two nice guys because I was a single guy. The told me about matchmaker wonder Susan Adams of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and how I absolutely had to meet her. Indeed, she was as charming and engaging as they described. So, after taking my name and number they said they would be in touch.
Cafe Flore at Noe and Market in SFOIt took a while, but Susan arrived in San Francisco again and was meeting with potential clients. We arranged a meeting at Cafe Flore right on the corner of Noe and Market here in the city. Something about Cafe Flore: It is in the gayest of areas in the city and is owned apparently by Burning Man people! If that is not cool enough, there is a MAN effigy on the roof of the place!

First and Only Meeting

We met and talked about a lot of things, because she was looking to be a match maker and find someone for me, or maybe me for someone?
I tried laying it all out on the table and explain why dating has been such a bitch since Adolfo and I broke up and went in separate directions. I was honest that I felt he was my last soul-mate. I described how dissatisfied I was with meeting guys because they never mentioned they were in relationships already until I thought we were starting to make a connection.
When the subject got into my Burning Man activities things started getting very slipery.

“She told me she was planning on going to Burning Man next year in our discussion over coffee. We were meeting in a local cafe called “Cafe Flore” that has a Burning Man    Man on the roof and is owned by Burners. We were meeting because she was going to provide me a service and was interviewing me for this service… but she kept going back to ‘why‘ is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?

“When I tried explaining that the 10 Principles include things like radical self reliance, radical self expression, community involvement, etc… I explained these were things that were are not the 10 Commandments.  But she countered:

‘Why wouldn’t a normal person just do the right thing? Why is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?’

“Not everyone just does the right things and we are looking this as guidelines for a community. It’s a culture. It’s an ideal.

Part of Burning Man for me is the nearly unquestionable inclusion and acceptance in the local and major events. Those 10 Principles referred to here and there in the original story are guidelines people opting into the culture generally adapt and apply in daily life.
I also talked about the Radical Faeries and how I am enjoying my engagement with them?

“What is it about these people you find attractive?” she asked [paraphrased]

“From what I have seen the Radical Faeries are about gay people being as expressive and as real as they want without being burdened by the condemning eye of people who cannot understand… I love the ability to just put it out there.”

Keep in mind she started off telling me how much she wanted to go to Burning Man. If you know me I am the cheerleader on crack kool-aide drinkin’ cartwheelin’ Burning Man believer… all hale Larry!

“In the course of our conversation and how she kept referring to it being just a 7 day event that begins and ends and then, as she said, ‘people return to their normal lives’ I gave her a suggestion. I said, in the nicest way possible, cushioning it and told her: Maybe Burning Man is really not for you.”

Conclusion
There is no way I could afford paying her for this service. Maybe at this point she caught up with the calculation and she decided she could not invest in what I was bringing to the table. Or… perhaps my suggestion that she pass on Burning Man was insulting?
It was this bi-polar moment when we were having an engaging conversation, she was showing me pictures of her in the 80’s as a match-maker, and asking all kinds of personal questions. I answered them all but we stalled cold.
Susan shut down faster then a vampire at sunrise and closed the folder, shook my hand wishing me good luck, and stomped away. I saw literally sitting there for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what just happen.

WHAT JUST HAPPEN????

I sat there dazed and Susan walked through the restaurant and came out the other side then walked right past me in a daze? I have to wonder if she had a stroke or something happen to cause such a bizarre shift in mood. Needless to say I will not be a part of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and my application is: DENIED!

All around me are…

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In my life there are certain energies that I think I have exuded. No matter where I move in the world and no matter what changes I make in life there are constants. I am certainly NOT saying there is anything special about me, but over the many years of my existence:

  • when I come into a person’s life or when I have become a part of an organization I feel like I bring chaos; let’s define chaos. My presence seems to force change and I think that is an energy I bring. Sometimes it is good, a few times it goes the other way.
  • there are a lot of people I meet and realize they are vampires. Time vampires… energy vampires… and none of them really stay around very long or I keep them a safe distance away. (I know someone is going to project this statement on themselves, but let me assure you these people are NOT reading this page. It would require them to invest and not just suck away.)

There is more and somewhere along the way I learned to cow to other people and become gum on the bottom of people’s shoes while any attempt to stand up for myself or for someone else has left me feeling like the asshole. I am so fucking over feeling like roadkill in life.
In the last couple years I have fallen down so often while trying to fix myself that I have lost who I am entirely.
I went to school to learn how to cook and I went to school to improve what I can do with design, web and art and I am not doing any of them with any great success. In fact choosing a couple of careers has left me with none in the end.
Take a job in a field you like doing as a hobby and you will see resentment for that hobby unless it is a passion that has a return. Unless you are successful then, like me, you end up feeling kicked – down – and that all that money for school was a waste. I left the Art Institute of Las Vegas without skills I needed to find work. I was shuffled through classes and passed without the basic knowledge needed just to move me and other on.
I know I have a responsibility myself as a student, but all along I thought I was leaving with what I needed and that magical B.S. degree would lead to great things…. absolute horse shit.
That’s another consistency in my life – delusion. If it is not the case of the ‘grass is greener’ then I also always fall for glitter being thrown in my eyes.

  • glitter includes when I left the Air Force and was promised that people would want to hire a veteran …  like it was some red carpet to success … meanwhile I hear that they don;t want vets because they are too rigid
  • glitter includes going to college and getting a degree in a field and thinking there was work afterward…

All BULLSHIT. All of it BULLSHIT… BULL – FUCKING – SHIT ….

…so there ya go.

God’s Test #3042

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GOD’S TEST OF MY PATIENCE #3042: So, I am walking into the parking garage of my contract gig this morning and it is on a side street off E. Sahara and she tells me she is looking for 1800 E. Sahara.

I point out she is only on the 1000 block and needs to  go up the street. She points out the the KFC around the corner is 2400 and cocks her head in confusion.
I point out that the KFC is on Maryland Parkway CLEARLY on another street altogether when a light finally comes on. Mind you, if you know me, I was looking at her like she was a complete (not partial) idiot.
Good morning – Friday.

birthday @ FireFly Las Vegas

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Last night was my birthday gathering at Firefly. Adolfo made all the arrangements and talked to some or all of my freinds and it was a nice occasion.

Woody was my only friend that showed up besides having gal pal Annebell (felow graduate from Culinary School) also in attendance. I guess you could say this goes along with my previous entry about “friends” and what is important.
I got a Zune from Adolfo. The Zune is a cool device and it works better than an Ipod, but getting content SUCKS!!!!! They donot have any video or movie stuff. It’s awful.. and I have all this content from iTunes that won’t work. So I am trying to decide whether I want to return it or not???? Ugh! I’ll experiment with it.
I found an article that suggests how to move content over…. hmmm?
On other notes: I got a nice Happy BDay from Allan in TX and some notes my mySpace from peeps. It’s nice when people remember. Sam called today and said “howdy” and all… but he did not remember either. He says he wants to come back to Vegas and stay with us.
So, as you can see there is always so much happening here in Lost Wages. Showgirls on every corner and Elvis is the security guard. The police department is all male strippers and hookers are the welcoming committee. ho-hum… ha ha ha

stupid schtuff

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my outlet for expression has been on mySpace.com/[redacted] for the most part in recent weeks. it may even be considered an obsession. but, i ever since i started on mySpace i have been meeting and acquainting with some seriously interesting people. mind you…. i only get to know these people so deeply, but it’s been nice.
today i was exchanging information on a couple of subjects like gay rights and relationships when i came to some revelations about where i am with Adolfo… as much as i love him i am back to the point wherein i feel concerned about our ability to stay together in the long term. it’s been turbulent. it may have become a relationship of convenience…even though we love each other but i do not think we are in-love with each other.
i am pretty sure i burned that bridge at some point… i would have to ask him and i would rather avoid that conversation for now. do i wait so long that my prospects for someone else fade completely?
alas… time will tell and nothing is carved in stone right now. our issues will continue to be played out here on this site even as it changes and takes new shapes!
xo for now