Was just a beautiful night and I got all video happy again!
Category Archives: verbal diahrea
VLOG: Friends
Playing with video stuff… what do you think?
VLOG: Thoughts
There is a point just after 7 mins where it gets a little long… the transition before the out take should be FF…
back from where…
I have not written anything here since coming back from Burning Man probably because I really have not completely landed. When I try putting the puzzle pieces together I am finding they did not really fit.
When I sit here looking at the screen determined to write something there are too many things trying to get out at the same time. I will, for your information, be writing more on my burner blog talking about my actual experience out there but these pages are for me. My burner blog is on this site too here.
Anyway, this may sound cliche, but I am back and changed down to my soul. There is this vein of anger I am missing and left somewhere and the way the universe works I pity the soul that may have taken that energy into him, her or other. Not trippin’ either. When you read the burner blog maybe you will understand… if you do.
I did come back determined to put a foundation under my feet. There was an unexpected upheaval in that plan when my wallet was left in Reno. It basically forced me to put life on pause a moment longer and make some evaluations. In that I updated my portfolio site called StudioSK. I don’t want that any more… I am sick of technology and am burnt out on it.
The burning desire to be creative and put my art out there kinda got a kick in the groin too. My art piece Final Passage was a ship wreck. All the work and all the energy I put into the piece itself was a total failure. I did take away the journey as the win in this case, because the people I was able to work around and I hope I learned something. In fact an idea for my next art piece can be very exciting.
One big issue is the problems I have had with my birth father. This is a demon that haunted me a long time and 2 years of therapy only took me so far. The anger that was inside of me and the pain of struggling with the life of being with him in my formative years was more damaging than I ever imagined.
Without sounding crazy, which some people think I am anyway, a woman named Gigi and a man named Coop helped me strip something out of me that left me softer. It left me more fluid. It took away a lot of anger.
No. My sails are unfurled and I feel like I am in the sea. I root out the people who cause pain and I refuse to acknowledge their attempt to pull me down. I look into your projection of pain and your false empathy and let it roll right past me. I am like the wind and you are the trees and I will become water and you will be the rocks.
I am rediscovering my spirit and I will not let you take that away from me. Let me tell you your spirit is important too. When you try to steal mine you are losing a bit of yours.
Another Day
There are a lot of days that come and go when it feels like I am literally falling into a whole. Today was like that, seems like it is happening once a week, but something always makes the landing just soft enough to to keep from getting a bloody nose.
I know I have a lot of things going on and I get a lot of good things happening, don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for every day and really have been taking a lot in the face just to get from getting up in the morning and going to bed at night.
I hope a change in energy will allow me to have a change in focus over the next couple months as I get ready for what may well be my last Burning Man. I can keep making art and I can keep involving myself with some local burner crap but I think it’s time to let go. Everything that was fulfilling got light shined onto it in the last year and the dreamkillers won.
Digressing
Well, there are these days when a lot of things are going on and somehow at the end of the day I still feel like I got beat up. Today I was home until noonish and then went to go see Harry Potter by myself. Then I had a date with a guy I met on the train yesterday who is 22 years old. He was cute, sweet, nice and very interested in me. We met today and I was not feeling ‘it’. I hung out and suggested we get some dinner and he kept tooling around, playing on his blackberry and for some reason keeping me from getting food. I ended up just walking away…
Dating? Ugh… at least not that way. I had no idea what the hell I was doing with that kid and I am just over this stupid idea of trying to date again. I am 4 freaking years out of practice… is it supposed to be hard?
1964
I have shared a lot on this thing. This is my personal journal. I have also sorta faded from posting as often as I have because it feels like writing here results in more negative drama than I would like. I am trying to focus more on positive things.
Right now my stress levels (as mentioned multiple times already) are through the roof! I need to find a job. I need to find grounding. I need to find myself again because I have tried wearing so many hats that none of them fit anymore. Going to school for 2 careers only led to confusion. Trying to please other people has led to disaster. Looking for greener grass has led to anxiety. Past regrets and mistakes have become this creature always at my back scratching me and cutting me.
I’ve known I had a problem with anxiety that went back to 1996. I can almost give you the date when something inside of me cracked and the fissure kept growing for a long time. I had a lot of things to help me hold it together, mostly my optimistic youth and a lot of friends I loved and counted on. But something happen when those things broke too.
My interpersonal relationships are hard to maintain and I feel like my connections to people are lost in something related to this feeling of Chaos I bring with me all the time. It is this perception that I somehow instinctively see the cracks in people and examine them to death and sometimes bring it to the attention of that person thus bringing that chaos into their world.
In 2009 I lost a good job to this issue and I went to see a doctor eventually and was given a medication to help with it. It has been a great equalizer and over time the medication has evolved but the anxiety has too. It has become much worse and came with depression that occasionally put me in a hole from time to time.
I am dealing with this mental illness and I have never said anything about it before in the blogs posted here. It is anxiety and depression and I am dealing with it. It has made some of the irrational decisions I have made, bad choices, and kept me from finding comfort in my own skin. My weight issues have been holding me back and my age are all feeling like bricks on my shoulders.
No one is out there who can help me and I try to help myself. That whole Burning Man principle Radical Self Reliance has been my credo and I refuse to need anyone to exist. I rely on someone and I can bet that person will let me down anyway.
I am writing this posting to talk about this subject here for the first time. It was years ago someone told me they were impressed with how much I put out there and how honest I am. I have been lying to anyone except family who has been reading this because you don’t know what is going on.
- I suffer from severe anxiety; to the point where it is literally debilitating and cause me to freeze up, lock down and shut off more than panic attacks. I have been in treatment with a doctor for more than a year and a half.
- I suffer from severe depression where I sometimes drop into a hole and can’t see out.
- I take a mild medication to keep it under control; Wellbutrin and Clonapan.
When someone recently made a lot of angry posts publicly claiming I was mentally ill it hurt pretty deep. There was truth in it, but this is a world where using those words is a condemning as telling someone you are a felon or a child molester. There is this shroud that because you have issues that you have chosen to deal with that it is your fault.
I am a good guy. I have a good heart. I have courage and I have character. I am brave and I believe in justice. Your baggage cannot be my baggage and visa versa.
All around me are…
In my life there are certain energies that I think I have exuded. No matter where I move in the world and no matter what changes I make in life there are constants. I am certainly NOT saying there is anything special about me, but over the many years of my existence:
when I come into a person’s life or when I have become a part of an organization I feel like I bring chaos; let’s define chaos. My presence seems to force change and I think that is an energy I bring. Sometimes it is good, a few times it goes the other way.- there are a lot of people I meet and realize they are vampires. Time vampires… energy vampires… and none of them really stay around very long or I keep them a safe distance away. (I know someone is going to project this statement on themselves, but let me assure you these people are NOT reading this page. It would require them to invest and not just suck away.)
There is more and somewhere along the way I learned to cow to other people and become gum on the bottom of people’s shoes while any attempt to stand up for myself or for someone else has left me feeling like the asshole. I am so fucking over feeling like roadkill in life.
In the last couple years I have fallen down so often while trying to fix myself that I have lost who I am entirely.
I went to school to learn how to cook and I went to school to improve what I can do with design, web and art and I am not doing any of them with any great success. In fact choosing a couple of careers has left me with none in the end.
Take a job in a field you like doing as a hobby and you will see resentment for that hobby unless it is a passion that has a return. Unless you are successful then, like me, you end up feeling kicked – down – and that all that money for school was a waste. I left the Art Institute of Las Vegas without skills I needed to find work. I was shuffled through classes and passed without the basic knowledge needed just to move me and other on.
I know I have a responsibility myself as a student, but all along I thought I was leaving with what I needed and that magical B.S. degree would lead to great things…. absolute horse shit.
That’s another consistency in my life – delusion. If it is not the case of the ‘grass is greener’ then I also always fall for glitter being thrown in my eyes.
- glitter includes when I left the Air Force and was promised that people would want to hire a veteran … like it was some red carpet to success … meanwhile I hear that they don;t want vets because they are too rigid
- glitter includes going to college and getting a degree in a field and thinking there was work afterward…
All BULLSHIT. All of it BULLSHIT… BULL – FUCKING – SHIT ….
…so there ya go.
Hippieville
Well, I have arrived in San Francisco and settled in. It was a slightly bouncy landing and more expensive than I expected. I was not very happy about the expenses… $135. for a tank of gas and that bitch needed to be filled 3x. I had to borrow the money which I did not have.
So, I took some pictures of the trip in and some of the property where I am living. It is a decommissioned Nave Base and it still looks like a base. I love it… I miss those days. There is a lot of hood-rats running around here but the place is clean and nice.
Did I mention I live in the middle of the bay on an island. Yes, it is called Treasure Island and it sit between Oakland and San Francisco connected by the Bay Bridge.
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Personally Speaking
Coming here and seeing Mark again was nice. I have not seen him in more than a year. It’s been good seeing him again and getting aquainted, but he is a party animal and I cannot keep up with that boy. We met up Friday and Sunday and went out and decided I was done for a little while anyway.
The household itself is a strange mix and we all have some interesting things in common. Some things I just can’t put into writing on this site, but at the same time I hate editing myself. This just proves to certain assholes out there that I do have an edit button.
Moving Day
Today is officially the first day of moving. That is the act of getting rid of, packing, sorting and eventually trashing a lot of what I have been carrying around with me. It’s an exhausting process and I have so much to do still.
However, the process began within the last month with searching for a place to live, planning finances, and getting rid of my truck. It’s all been working out reasonably well and it has taken it’s toll on some levels. A toll on my psyche, my physical self and more.
So as I look around panicking about the what what I am taking inventory and realizing there is a HELL OF A LOT OF STUFF here from when Adolfo and I were together and I am slowly melting those things away. His ghost still haunts me and I suppose it is time to finally purge the last remnants of us as it were. I have been thinking about him a lot too, not sure what to think about that.
ANY-way… I’m tied and could use a nap before continuing on. I have a lot to do still.
Good Morning
This day has started off very weird and I am not liking the energy in the air. I am sitting at work feeling really uncomfortable and feel a lot of anxiety building up which is just not good.
Everything happened just fine at home this morning…
- got to the 2nd bus and the driver waited til I got to the door and pulled up about 10 feet and stopped; went to door again and he rolled forward again. WTF??? Doors opened and he let me on spouting some bullshit about whatever… douche
- got to where work was way too early so stopped in Jack In The Box near office to sit down and have a little knosh while waiting to go; order burned once and dopey cook kept getting confused.
- got to work… no coffee. No coffee… WFX2
- went to bathroom, to t.p. or hand towels
So, I know I am supposed to be really busy today and I am still waiting for the guy to show up I am supposed to get my project from. He is always late… but a nice guy. I wonder how many more days I will be working here? This is supposed t be a short term project/contract. I hope I am done soon… maybe next week. No one seems to know.
C’est le Vie!