Well, if this goes like it has in my head right now… this is going to be one of those bitchy and whiny posts. I am stuck in sand and sinking. I drowning in my filth and am finding it harder and hard to breath with each day.
No work, no job, no faith, no reason, no ability to make it right. It makes swallowing that little jar of pills used to let me sleep at night that much more attractive. How do I get the point where I could finally just end it all.
It gets better for who? I have been sinking for 5 years. I feel so lost and unable to do the things I want to do… and now I feel like I can’t even do the things I need to do.
Pull myself out of these places by remembering or acknowledging that my problems are minor compared to everyone else.
I don’t have the right to wallow in my own fucked up feelings. I have feelings of abject failure; voice of my father nailing that coffin lid corner sealed. I failed my mom more times than I can count; there goes another nail. Failed my sister Lynn; coffin nail. Failed my sister Christine… well that was a broken nail. There must be 50 welll pounded nails I this coffin with each failure and regret I have managed to create in this life.
My hope is my creative output which is really quite good. I am talented. I write. I draw. I build cool shit. …and I love this guy named Chantha. But… I don’t know if I can sustain that and survive here in San Francisco.
So, what do I do now? Do I give in and leave and try and find somewhere I can survive? …okay something shiny in the corner… no one is reading this anyway. Fuck it. ….
Category Archives: verbal diahrea
When I win the Lottery
So what is hope? What is salvation? What is happiness? I can;t say I have known any of these things in such a very long time. There has been about a dozen times when someone read my palm, read my tarot cards or something and said I was going to have a great windfall in the not so distant future…
So there you go; I already won the lottery tonight and all you bitches should just go home home and fuck-off. I bought 5 tickets today and my mom bought 5 too. You can’t win if you don’t play… and I have leverage BECAUSE the universe said so!
I am visualizing it now.. I have the Secret… I see how it will all go down:
- All MY Bills & Debts Paid | Mom’s Mortgage | Dad’s Mortgage (yes, him too) | Hire a lawyer and an Accountant… not all necessarily in that order. I guess this is how I see the priorities.
- Review my finances and my ‘BIG PICTURE’ and then move on to the list of things…
- I see college funds for nephews, nieces and (choke) grand nephews and nieces…
- I see a car and a house in my future…
- I see a short vacation…
- I see me buying a restaurant somewhere and setting up shop until I drop fucking dead….
I would totally keep Chantha with me – I believe. He’s been an amazing boyfriend and I am glad he is in my life.
I would have to do something to make the world a better place somehow… homelessness is always something that really bugged the shit out of me. Can’t do anything for the fuck-holes that won’t help themselves or will spend the rest of their lives living off someone else.
I would have to make someone’s life better; or several someones. What can I do to make your road ahead a better chance of you being a success and be able to to the same for someone else??? NOT by handing you a wad of money… fuck that.
This is my promise… this is exactly what I always expected to do with my sudden wealth… I would make my life better and people that matter as well! Yes, I see it now… I got the secret.
Diarrhea of the Mouth
It does not help to put a title in this blog before I start typing because invariably I go in a whole other direction. I am writing right now because I am thinking that the blogs have been a good outlet that I have neglected.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.
Frustrated with Bullshit
The month is coming to an end and with it the complete lack of faith that the universe and I are going to come to terms with my employment. I am clawing at air trying to find something to feel like I have a purpose.
As much involved with the Burning Man stuff as I have been in, I am seeing it all really as a meaningless ‘thing’ anymore. Somewhere what was something pretty cool got lost and became lollipalooza. There may not be a ‘Coca Cola’ logo on the road into Black Rock City but there might as well be.
At it’s core there is cancer. But the elite that it caters too, for the most part, cannot see the forest for the trees. The leaves of these trees are money and shiney golden tickets.
The ticket fiasco this year was just another coffin nail, but it’s not there for me to say or to pound it in.
I have had tremendous highs in this world and have experienced the lowest lows, but I sit here ready to walk away from all the work I have done in frustration. To see people like distant family members with all the cool toys and someone like me always looking in from the outside.
Some advice was to stay out of the BMHQ nest of vipers and it appears it is advice to be heard.
A New World
I have a ton of shit to do. Writing in my blogs is something I do not have time to do… but this makes two today. I just posted over in gay-burners.com as well tonight.
Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.
Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.
Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???
Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.
I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.
vBlog: Back in San Francisco
Well, I am back in San Francisco and am treading water. I feel different being here again. I feel like I belong here right now… not sure how long that will last but I can still hold on to hope.
San Francisco … back!
When things fell apart at my last place, I went to see my mom for a week while I regrouped. It was a good decision on some levels, but financially it sorta had me take a bullet.
The place I am staying at is more than I can technically afford at the moment but it means I have to hustle and get some money coming in like asap. Fortunately I have irons in the fire and with this new energy flow I hope to see some new prospects develop.
On my way to Tehachapi I had a few words with God… my guardian angel… any spirit around me pretending to be a force for my well being and renounced them all. I have just been shit on in the last couple years by forces I thought were supposed to be there for me and so I decided I was done.
I’m not an atheist now. I am more than an agnostic. I felt that “the universe” had my back but I am now the bush that the dog just sniffed and decided to leave it’s scent upon.
Fuckit… Fuckit all… I need to take a better grasp on my future and get me moving in the right direction irregardless of what I thin kGod or anything else thinks. Fuckit. Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit …
… and all that.
Aftermath
I have been at my moms since Tuesday and since becoming officially homeless in San Francisco. Nothing is carved in stone and life has to be a little fluid right now while I figure out exactly what is going to happen with me going forward.
My plan is to head back to San Fran on Saturday so I can return the rental car on Sunday and then make it to an interview on Tuesday for a job that might be really cool, but the problem is that it is not paying well. BUT! It is where I want to be right now and hope I don;t get over looked because of my age once again.
Why go back to San Francisco? It is hard living there. Everything is expensive and there is little actual sympathy from one human to another. People care more for strangers than … well, I can’t finish that statement. Between #Occupy people taking over apartment building for homeless people I stand around kind of stunned.
Why? Well, I see so so so many homeless people around the city and they all need. Some are completely out of their heads. I worry I will end up like them. Back to the point… they need money, food, housing… all of the things I need too. I am just lucky enough to be just above the line where I am in their shoes.
I would help them if I could. I sometimes feel I can’t help myself. That, or I just cannot get any traction.
In the way to my moms place I had a couple small break-downs. Not full mental melt-downs or anything like that, just a spiritual one way shouting match with God and this dumb-ass guardian angel that may or may not be around me for the fucked up support I have had. I did a lot of shouting up there and expressed my frustration.
There is this non-stop crapping on my head lately.
Poor me… yeah I know and I am not oblivious to the ways of self-reliance in the world. See the world through my eyes and understand that life has provided a lot of interesting emerging paths. Doors opened almost the moment when windows closed and visa versa; I felt charmed for a long time. What happens then one goes to that bank one too many times? Coins of chance turned in my favor more times than I could count and all of a sudden I started crapping out… a lot.
Maybe there are still some invisible chances coming my way or window yet unexplored? Always the optimist.
…but in this latest fall I might actually be starting to lose faith for the first time ever. I am now to the point where it does not matter of the glass is half full or half empty. I pushed it over and smashed the glass.
p.s. – my original plan with going back Saturday is not looking so good right now.
Stressed Out / Fried Out
Days are ticking down to the point where I have to move out of my current situation and need to find a new one. The main reason for the shift was to get away from my current housemate, Mark. In that effort I led myself right off a cliff so far.
One of my biggest fears is to end up homeless. Technically I am ending up that way as of next week. I made an offer on one place… she wanted much for rent and the room was 1/3 of the room I am in now. A twin bed barely fits in it. So she has not accepted or declined. It’s in a pretty decent area but certainly nothing I would scream over.
Alas nothing else has prevailed. I am looking for work at the same time and doing both has me freaking exhausted. The last two days I have been running around checking out places and doing interviews. I came home both days exhausted.
I am supposed to be, right? If I don’t work for it what will it all mean? Well, this is a huge test.
I do not want to leave San Francisco. I have people here I really like. I am dating a guy who is pretty awesome, still. I have a life I like and I do not want to lose it. If I have to go I will do so sadly. I crashed and burned again…
What just happen????
This is actually part 2 of a story… or shall I say the non-readers digest version. I posted a very clean version of this tale on www.gayburners.com choosing to leave off many of the details because it was just too bizarre.
Castro Street Fair
It all started at the Castro Street Fair when I was approached by two nice guys because I was a single guy. The told me about matchmaker wonder Susan Adams of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and how I absolutely had to meet her. Indeed, she was as charming and engaging as they described. So, after taking my name and number they said they would be in touch.
It took a while, but Susan arrived in San Francisco again and was meeting with potential clients. We arranged a meeting at Cafe Flore right on the corner of Noe and Market here in the city. Something about Cafe Flore: It is in the gayest of areas in the city and is owned apparently by Burning Man people! If that is not cool enough, there is a MAN effigy on the roof of the place!
First and Only Meeting
We met and talked about a lot of things, because she was looking to be a match maker and find someone for me, or maybe me for someone?
I tried laying it all out on the table and explain why dating has been such a bitch since Adolfo and I broke up and went in separate directions. I was honest that I felt he was my last soul-mate. I described how dissatisfied I was with meeting guys because they never mentioned they were in relationships already until I thought we were starting to make a connection.
When the subject got into my Burning Man activities things started getting very slipery.
“She told me she was planning on going to Burning Man next year in our discussion over coffee. We were meeting in a local cafe called “Cafe Flore” that has a Burning Man Man on the roof and is owned by Burners. We were meeting because she was going to provide me a service and was interviewing me for this service… but she kept going back to ‘why‘ is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?
“When I tried explaining that the 10 Principles include things like radical self reliance, radical self expression, community involvement, etc… I explained these were things that were are not the 10 Commandments. But she countered:
‘Why wouldn’t a normal person just do the right thing? Why is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?’
“Not everyone just does the right things and we are looking this as guidelines for a community. It’s a culture. It’s an ideal.
Part of Burning Man for me is the nearly unquestionable inclusion and acceptance in the local and major events. Those 10 Principles referred to here and there in the original story are guidelines people opting into the culture generally adapt and apply in daily life.
I also talked about the Radical Faeries and how I am enjoying my engagement with them?
“What is it about these people you find attractive?” she asked [paraphrased]
“From what I have seen the Radical Faeries are about gay people being as expressive and as real as they want without being burdened by the condemning eye of people who cannot understand… I love the ability to just put it out there.”
Keep in mind she started off telling me how much she wanted to go to Burning Man. If you know me I am the cheerleader on crack kool-aide drinkin’ cartwheelin’ Burning Man believer… all hale Larry!
“In the course of our conversation and how she kept referring to it being just a 7 day event that begins and ends and then, as she said, ‘people return to their normal lives’ I gave her a suggestion. I said, in the nicest way possible, cushioning it and told her: Maybe Burning Man is really not for you.”
Conclusion
There is no way I could afford paying her for this service. Maybe at this point she caught up with the calculation and she decided she could not invest in what I was bringing to the table. Or… perhaps my suggestion that she pass on Burning Man was insulting?
It was this bi-polar moment when we were having an engaging conversation, she was showing me pictures of her in the 80’s as a match-maker, and asking all kinds of personal questions. I answered them all but we stalled cold.
Susan shut down faster then a vampire at sunrise and closed the folder, shook my hand wishing me good luck, and stomped away. I saw literally sitting there for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what just happen.
WHAT JUST HAPPEN????
I sat there dazed and Susan walked through the restaurant and came out the other side then walked right past me in a daze? I have to wonder if she had a stroke or something happen to cause such a bizarre shift in mood. Needless to say I will not be a part of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and my application is: DENIED!