Category Archives: verbal diahrea

Snap Shot

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I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.

Life

I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.

Today

Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.

Following my last rant…

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For all of you who read last night’s blog post I want to assure you I cleared the air on almost all the points made in it. Today was pretty good, but I took my fucking medication and it made me really dippy loopy.
Regarding C.. we had dinner together and dessert at home… oooh la la. It was such an amazing night… I went to his work and met him as he was getting off. After some walking around, he took me to dinner, and then we got to have some alone time.
He makes me smile inside and out… even when I cannot find the light switch he brings me a little ray of sunshine.
Yes, this is sounding a little bi-polar… I am not.
As for work, I had a busy and successful day. My coworker is a bit of a cranky pants and stress ball, but I am not letting her go up my nose. She seems to think she is in charge of pastry and is giving me gas.
I changed the pastry menu the last 3 days by adding my own stuff. Monday was a bomb… the cookie concept was good, but I put too much thought into it. I am sure I will try it again.  Yesterday I sent out chocolate thumbprints with a ganache I made. Today I sent out citrus, almond biscotti with a lemon glaze.
So, there is it. And my leg is swelling again and I have this bump that looks disgusting. I can’t do anything about it til this weekend. I may die in the meantime…. I am popping ES Tylenol and it is barely helping.
So there ya go… an update

Verbal Diahrea

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I feel like everything is falling apart around me and the things that I thought were making me happy are now things torturing me inside. This cannot be the right place… this cannot be the right state of mind… since I have been exploring this horrible anxiety and depression I have been saddled with it seems like things are hardly better for me.
The new job seems to be a good fit for me today, but I overheard someone inferring that I was not doing nearly as well as I thought I was. It pissed me off so much, but there is no one for me to vent to. I will not cause drama at work at all… will not. I can only put on a brave face and keep doing my best.
As for C… he left me this last weekend and went to visit friends out of the city. He left me alone and this was after a crappy fight we had Friday night. I was ready to walk away, but that was anger talking. It was not my heart… the wires between my heart and my brain finally reconnected and we talked it out on the phone. Seems we both have a temper and are both stubborn.
It’s been so many days since I have seen him and now my phone crapped out on me and I can’t seem to reach him through email to let him know and assure him I am not ignoring him. In fact, I am going to see if I can catch him on his way out of work and see if we can survive this hard time.
I posted this here before leaving because I wanted to channel the anxiety out of myself in some way… but ya gotta be careful what you put in the universe. The universe has been crapping all over me lately and I am at a loss what to do.
I took a long ass shower to think and it is the best place to just let thoughts flow. I hope to be venidcated because I am almost at the end of my rope. I am so tired of this life where I am constantly on the losing end of life; the but of fate’s joke.
Well, this is not helping. But… I am posting it anyway and heading out to see if my BF still loves me.

a little prayer

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The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.
It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.
So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.
On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.
He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.
But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.
Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.
I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.
God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.

Job v Burning Man

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Starting the new job on Friday and I hope I will be able to put some time in. I am so anxious to start working and working hard. Between the Stages I have been doing, relishing, rejoicing in the hunger is growing.
(Staging is when you go in and work at a restaurant without pay as sort of a test run)
BUT… Burning Man provided me with a low income ticket for the event this year and I am floored because I was on the verge of believing there was no way I was going. Now I have this ticket and I got to see if it is something that CAN happen in spite of the shit some people are willing to give me over it.
Mom chewed me one this week on Mother’s Day when she found out I had a ticket. She just does not get it and I imagine she is saying the same thing to me. She does not get what Burning Man is to me. I am not going to put this job in jeopardy for it, but if I CAN go I am going to.
I want bf C to come with me. I told him it has been my dream to share this event with someone I loved. I would be in heaven to bring him there with me. I think he will love being out there and I think it will change him in some ways. For the better….

#FF

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I am supposed to be starting my new job on Monday so I have a full weekend ahead of myself. Today I am going to hang at Delores Park and spend some time just enjoying the sun.
As far as being productive is concerned I am a bit stuck in the sand. I have enough things I could be doing but am so ‘blah‘ feeling is keeping me from doing much. Allergies and taking a Benedryl kill my frontal lobe.

I am so anxious to start this job on Monday. I did another interview this week and was offered the chance to stoge at another restaurant here in the city tomorrow. I am thinking about keeping that and just going through the process.
BUT… today is about going out of the house. I need to leave before too long and am hoping to get some nice color on my skin and just have some good company out there.
Basically I am scared and nervous that things won’t go in a good direction but I am optimistic as usual and excited.

Regarding “C”

My bf is “C”… I am not allowed to put his name anywhere anymore because he is not keen on anything on the web. I should be seeing him tonight… yay.
 
BLAH! – I can’t type. Benedryl sucking the life out of me… gunna sign off now.

Another Week Gone

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New rule… don’t apply a title to these entries until it is actually written. Usually it never finishes the way it was intended to begin. Including but not limited to applying new rules – as such.
This has been a hard week and it does not seem to be getting any easier. The universe is handing me one challenge over another dealing with them is getting steeper. I know the minute I bitch too much about one angle of the equation there shall come another that will knock me over as well.
It’s hard to reeeeeallllly bitch too much because I know so many people in the world have it much worse off. Every day I walk through this city is testimony to that. This city is full of cycles and the pulling poles of all things in life never seemed so obvious anywhere else I ever lived. Maybe it is not even that? Maybe because of the unique spectrum of the universe… blah blah astrology, Aztecs, tarot, spooky-spooky …yeah.
My witchy people know what I mean.
San Francisco
This city is yin and yang, it is opposing forces repelled from each other with ferocity, on every level I can see. As many poor and homeless there are privileged. As many happy-go-lucky hippies there are the so-so-serious. As many happy there are sad.
I can’t wait to know what it is to be happy.
There is some blessing and in no order that include my mom, my dog Tom; whom I miss greatly. And my bf whom it seems we are connected on some beautiful levels.
Otherwise, I am experiencing a new level of tolerance for stress and distress. Facing a complete loss of income in the coming days I am desperate for a job and really want to get back to working. Even volunteering for stuff feels good.
I hate I am getting older. I hate that everything hurts. I hate that I look older. I feel like a 20 year old inside. My dick doesn’t always agree though. ha ha ha ha.
So – guess I am just ranting and should stop about now. Toodles.

Monday Monday

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It’s hard to put things into perspective sometimes when you think the end of the world is upon you. ‘There for the grace of God go I‘ is something I have often said. I see homeless, drug addicts, crack heads and worse out there who have it a hell of lot worse.

Today Sucked Balls!

And not in the good way. All the anticipations I had yesterday that I was going to get this new dream job went right into the toilet this morning with an email. I must have stared into space almost an hour before I snapped out of it and started wondering what I was going to do next.
Unless the universe has a surprise for me around the corner that job opportunity was possibly the last hope I had in this city of settling in. I was just starting to feel a lot more comfy here and now it’s all just a warm bucket of shit.
In perspective it could be worse and it does not help that I got hit with a super bad cold this morning that is fucking my head like a horny guinea pig. FUCK!
What Next?
I have no idea at this moment and if what normally happens: this might be the next series of events:

  • if I stay the course something will come up and just barely sustain me and not allow me to get caught up on my debt or take care of the living things I needs to take care of; maybe
  • if I give up and get rid of everything and take a minimal into storage and live out of a suit case I’ll be leaving myself with nothing once again and will have to start completely over… but from where?????

See, there are no clear answers. So, I guess in the end my father gets to be proved right and that I am absolutely worthless and should never have been born. I am a failure and a loser… that’s what my dad taught me.
It really sucks that his voice still is as loud as it is in my head and it fucking sucks how absolutely powerless I feel. I am always letting people down; including myself. If it was an option I would check-out right now. But, been on the other end of that too often and can’t do it.
I have no one to blame but me in the end and no one to keep me from falling. If I dropped off the earth… I can count the people on one hand that might even notice.

The Weekend End

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The weekend is almost over and definitely a weird one. I was able to predict… really without knowing… that we were 4 days following a full moon because there was some crazy ass shit going on around this city. Now that was Thursday. Thus… my weekend began.
On Wednesday I had the absolutely best interview at a restaurant that could really be a new beginning for me. When I get this I will be screaming from the rooftops. I will finally be able to break away from all this technical work; web design and social networking shit. It is amazing how annoying and angst inducing all this is at the particular time.
I am putting a lot of weight on getting this job and the tension filling me is amazing; and not in a good way. I have no where to go after this. Nothing right now and knowing that is grinding salt into the would.
I can see myself in this job and when I worked IN THE JOB as part of my audition I felt like I belonged there. This is a huge leap forward for me. It makes up for all that time I lost fucking off with one thing or another.
Fucking off over Burning Man shit, moving from one hell-hole to another… just trying to move forward in life and all I do is end up spinning in my own shit.
IF I did nothing… would I be with Adolfo still living in a dead relationship? Who knows? I am with Chantha right now and I feel like we are uncommonly linked. So weird.
I can’t base my life on my love-life, but having a partner like this makes life worth living. There is something lighter about every day when you have someone looking back at you that you know you love and loves you back.
No, we have not used ‘those words’ with each other and he emphasized like a couple times and my bullshit screen knows what he means.
Bottom line… I have to know what is happening with this job. I need to know if I have a future in this city. If not… what then? I have nothing left.

The pic above was from the Cherry Blossom festival today. Actually went there with Mark yesterday and Chantha today! He got a better pic of the hot drummer and when he gets it to me I will post it.

I am just prattling a lot tonight…. sorry about that.

get’n some Verbal

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I feel like the highs in the last years have been equal to the lows. This universe is  a double edged knife I feel like I am dancing around it. As I sit here I look back through my day thinking about how little I have actually accomplished. In a few minutes Chantha will call me and I’ll smile and go to be missing him again.
He is sleeping at his house tonight, but we spent the whole weekend together. I also spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff. It was important because it was time away from the computer and out of any routine.
Fuck… this is a world I just can’t keep track with.
I am looking at the end of the $$ that has been coming in and I need to find some source of income. What do I do in days when there is no more.
My whole life is being dumped on its side and the only things I want to hold on to I can’t seem to do at the same time. I miss Tom the Dog so much. He’s with grandma right now and I know it is a place he is happy at…. but I know he misses me too.
I let the puppy down and I let my mom down. I let people and animals down all the  time it seems. Meh, sounds like a bad Korean soap opera.
Bottom line it is hard and I have no one to blame but myself. Seems like the fuse is lit and the next two weeks is the length of the fuse.