C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into. It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old. I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.
Category Archives: verbal diahrea
SantaCon SF on Saturday
Well, finally hit SantaCon in SF this weekend and went with C Monster. He actually dressed up in costume and went outside…. wow.
While the day may not have gone as smoothly and joyous as anticipated I feel like I had a good day. Unfortunately this was a weekend of too much ‘holiday cheer’ from a bottle and it effected us a lot.
I went to Satunalia on my own last night and C Monster went out on his own. Doing things on our own is good, but one has to be careful not to take it too far. I have not been able to reach him since last night. #worried
just gotta write something
I tend to let this thing slide because I am going in too many directions at a time and just need to let people – who give a shit – I am still alive. And I am!
Yes, still with “C” and we are fast approaching year 1 together and this is my best relationship ever. We have had some shit-storms but what relationship hasn’t.
Still working and details on that are at www.RedCarte.com where I have managed to create more posts than here recently. At least there you can see pictures of the stuff I made.
The first holiday of the season was a ship-wreck (Thanksgiving), but more details on that soon too. I need to update this fucking page.
I have found a new sickness… called Tumblr. But I might add something tonight that will feed into this site, too. Mucho naked boys that make me 8===O boink! Talk soon!
Some words
I don’t feel like I get very many good pics of me.But then again, I am feeling a little deflated because I have not been able to go to the gym or even take care of much during the week. I need to get my ass to the doctor about this whip-lash.
Yes, the emergency room doctor said I had whip lash. After the accident I sat at my desk at home and could feel the muscles stiffening. I panicked and went to the doc. The vicatin has been a loser… so I tried going today but could not get out of work.
What’s with the picture up top? I like it… hides my muffin top… someone called me that at Burning Man this year. OMG I was so annoyed. But dammit… I am middle aged and look fucking hot. HA HA HA HA
A week ago – I got hit by a bus
A week ago Friday I got hit by a bus while riding a bike I recently got. I got the bike right before Burning Man and started riding it the week I returned.
I got off work at 4pm and was on my way home. I usually ride down Chestnut to Van Ness in order to avoid the hill climb. There is always a hill, but most street through Pac Heights are way too steep for a bike.
I rode down Chestnut, turning up on Van Ness. The first intersection is a little tricky because I have to cross traffic to get past Lombard street.
I don’t know exactly where I first came to be in the bus’s path but I noticed he pushed past me to get to his stop but crossed my line of traffic far enough before me that I mere noticed his action, but did not think much of it.
The second time he cross my line of traffic closer and I went around him while he was picking up passengers and pulled into the x-walk ahead of him. I do remember thinking to myself… if I am in this guy’s way I will steer clearer to the right as the light was changing. I could see the crossing light was changing, so I mounted the bike and rode wide letting the bus go by before entering traffic.
At this point we were heading up hill on Van Ness and as I closed in on Jackson I ended up ahead of the driver again and he cut me off very much closer to get to his stop at Jackson. It was so close that I stopped at his right read tail light and took a picture of his bus number thinking I might call MUNI and complain about him. I was, at least getting concerned as all these events were adding up.
I rode around the left side of the bus and called the driver an expletive/racist word – yeah I know I should not have. I had no idea if he heard me or not, but I just kept riding.
He pulled up along side of me looking at me through the door of the bus as we were approaching Clay Street. I tried to ignore him. As I continued in my line of traffic he pulled ahead and merged against me. I was coming up on the left corner of a parked car at the time. I saw a rear view mirror sticking out I was trying not to hit and ended up against the wall of the bus.
I was dragged along the wall of the bus, over the rubber accordion section of the bus, and then off the metal panel behind it. I rolled off just passed the parked car and avoided hitting the ground just barely.
The bus paused just at the other side of the intersection of Clay and Van Ness. I could see the brake lights. Then he continued on.
I called the police and reported the situation to a motorcycle policeman and a MUNI investigator.
The policeman noticed before I did an abrasion on my my left elbow, which was closest to the bus. There was no other evident damage or injury until the policeman noted two divots in the back of my helmet.
I did ride home and as I went into my bedroom immediately after I started feeling soreness and stiffness in my neck and left shoulder. So, I went to the emergency room the the Ft. Miley V.A. and saw a doctor who diagnosed me with whip-lash and gave me vicadin.
I have not ridden my bike since because of discomfort and a loss of security when riding. I have chosen not to while I deal with this whip lash.
I am scheduled to see another Doctor on Tuesday.
ugh…
When I read back to some of my posts I feel my stomach drop. Not that anyone is really reading these posts… but it’s all good. …sigh
it’s broken
I have seen people walking around in this life and thought – he’s broken. You can see some people are stuck. Some people are still in the 70’s, 80’s or trapped in their own inability to latch on to life and move forward. Was it tragedy? Was it success in a certain time they glomed onto; like being really popular in the 70’s and are still trying to hold onto it. Or was it a tragedy that stopped them from growing?
Do you know what I mean or is it something only I see? I can say that honestly because in spite of some medications I take that kill my mental abilities I typically can really trust my senses. Seeing someone halted can’t be just a third-eye sort of thing.
Yesterday I was walking home from work and caught my reflection in a shop window and realized something… I am broken. The thought was like time slowed abruptly. It was like my mind cleared and a lot of the debris was shoved off the table. It was a shock.
Who am I? no… who was I am where am I now?
As I mentioned it was like a lot of debris was knocked off the table. The banquet table on my life was full of junk, rust, pack-rat stuff. It was as if the table was upset and some of the junk started falling off.
A lot of things started polling through my head as I wondered to myself… where and how have I become broken?
I said quite clearly earlier this year (I think) there is no more time for regrets [1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ] . I have carried too many for too long. Being upset about bad decisions of the past and letting go of them have not completely freed me in the present.
I have fallen down so many times and managed to get up. At times I have put the gun to my own head and pulled the trigger over and over. Following the links in the previous paragraph it becomes easy to map the stumbles and falls. I am also intensely aware of my failures and the memories of my father’s words… all pieces of junk on the table.
Broken
So, I am broken. I led a charmed life up to a certain point when Fate decided I had enough and was not giving back. My guardian angel (or whatever) seems to be sitting back and only jumping in on the serious shit.
I am broken. I have fallen and am struggling to get back up. I am swimming in the deep end with a diver’s weight belt on. The entry I made a couple weeks ago feeling like I was at the end of my rope is still on my mind.
Shifting
The plates under my feet slide apart when I look at this reflection in the glass while walking up the street. For hours after, I literally felt like my brain was a hard-drive rebooting. I really saw this reel of my life and saw something screaming at me I could hardly imagine being true. Maybe my burning man life was a fall-down moment for me. Certainly the partying that went a long with it. But, I am grasping what all this means still and will tell more in the future.
Based on my past entry
Well, I had some ideas to write something that fettered out my thoughts once again, but this one will start based on my last entry. CK and I have had a lot of little fights here and there, usually due to one form of personal insecurity or another. I think it happens when 2 people are in a may/december romance like we are.
I am 47 and CK is 31. Not a huge difference, but reality is he could be my son. If I were a Chinese guy. I have to remember that my anxiety and depression cannot always take control of my senses.
Last Friday night I really jumped down his throat and I was being really unfair. I am learning I need to pause and appreciate him. He loves me and I got to embrace it. I love him and he embraces it. We really have captured something special and I hope to see it continue to grow.
I do, I admit, hate aging like I am. Inside I am struggling to avoid being a grouchy old fart. I have that bit of extra chin fat that is driving me absolutely insane. I see it in every reflection around me. It drives me nuts.
Anyhoo.. I am just saying that I am okay and we are okay. CK won’t let me post anything about him online anywhere but I am waring him down.
Singel Again?
Last night had another big fight with C. Not sure what it was about or where it was coming from. BUT, I felt a million miles away from his last night.
I have been thinking about our future again and not staying in the present. Even in the present I wonder why, after 5 months and with the intensity we have been going at, why he has not been able to tell me that he “loves” me.
Why do I want or need to know that this is in his heart when I suspect it is there already. But then again, temptations of the flesh have been on the rise with me and that desire for infidelity is usually a sign for me that things are not going so well sexually.
In fact, we have not had a meaningful sexual experience together in a while. I hate the idea that our relationship is dependent on sex… but if something is wrong in bed that always fucks things up doesn’t it?
There is his drinking which has been a demon in our relationship. My mom was an alcoholic and I might be a little sensitive on that subject. He does not handle his booze well. This is why I firmly believe pills are so much better! (snicker… sarcasm)
Well… anyone if anyone is paying attention. There I am. Venting. My moody whiny ass just venting. I think C and I are basically done… unless we talk and figure out if I am looking for the wrong things out of this.
Late night Babble
I am so tired… getting ready for bed. Working hard every day and using every ounce of energy I have to produce and deliver some amazing pastry at work.
I was told this afternoon about a party for 12 tomorrow who were having this event around a Moscato wine; sweet with a fiz. So they wanted Peach deserts… so I made a Peach Tatin (classic French) and a peach ice cream. I was able to bake the Tatin before leaving for work, but had to ask a co worker to put it away for me so I can check it in the morning.
Yes, I will get pics and will x-post over to www.RedCarte.com too. Yes, that is my cooking site.
So, I am getting really sleepy now because I have to be up by 5am. I’ve been screwing off on the internet all night again.
I was working with and goofing off on my Tumblr account. It’s linked in the side columns. Check it out if you like.. there are a lot of hot boy in the shots too. Meow!