Well, I know most of my blogs are just me bitching about this or that. Maybe relaying too much on my own personal drama. Frankly, I am trying to make my left the best I can make it.
Being unemployed so long has been making me a little nuts. I do stay very busy. Imagine trying to start a handful of businesses and taking all the odd jobs I can find just to get through the day.
I have my web design stuff at StudioSK and then added to that gotNurv. These are the two I was hoping would generate more money or at least provide me a channel to make money or get a real job. Unfortunately neither has resulted. I am employer pariah it seems. I keep thinking people look at me and see my age, but I am NOT that old.
Also, for those who might be out of date I have a boyfriend now. Aldo is a sweet guy, but I am still holding back on some levels because he is 20 years younger than I am. He is sweet, as previously mentioned, but I am worried a lot about knowing I am dating an adult.
He and I have some seriously weird shit in common and relate well in some areas. So, there is a lot of hope. I think we had our first “fight” yesterday which was really me jumping into his shit over something.
Anyway, here’s to hoping life just gets better and better. I need wealth really bad right now… so come on universe throw me a bone.
Category Archives: verbal diahrea
Meh
I just read through some of this shit… I hated it all.
Identity Crisis
Since coming back from Burning Man I have made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I have managed to keep. These promises are all for my personal well-being and growth.
However, I have been left in this cloud where there is a distinct lack of direction and ability to latch onto something to get my life evolving forward.
- I’ve made this promise of sobriety; not that I am a drunk or anything but I spent much of the last 2 years partying and doing things that were fun, but there is a point where one wants to take a step back and re-asses.
- I’ve made this promise to eat food that is better for me; in fact I have been doing quite well. Fast food wrecks my internals parts and I feel bloated and gross after eating almost anything coming out of a drive-thru window.
- I’ve set goals to create more and do more independent projects; I have 3 projects in the fire right now as seen on art23design.com
I am left without a sail right now and as I have worked to be a better person, both inside and out, I have found that something is broken.
Truth be told, I have been seeing a psychologist for a while talking about things in life and some of the baggage that I have been holding onto. A LOT OF STUFF keeps going back to the relationship between my father and I as well as my biological sister and I.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle Chuck on my mom's side of the family.
My father and I had a very painful and disconnected relationship growing up and I was exploring some of it in a piece of art I was working on last night. His voice and his verbal abuse that literally sought to break me into something as loathsome as himself:
- You are worthless
- You are nothing
- You are a mistake
- You are not worth carrying my name
And a lot more items that still echo in my head and have reemerged while struggling with this unemployment situation and struggling to find my foothold as I march forward. At some point in my life Jack Kraske and Scott Kraske became passive/aggressive enemies and faith and love for this man was crushed.
He and my sister will never understand where I am coming from and there was a point about 2 years ago when I finally realized, my father has no faith in me at all.
- My biological sister was always the one who could do no wrong, her pedestal was pretty high
- She lied about a fight we had to the family and there is no way she can recant without looking like a fool
- She has told her 3 absolutely beautiful children she was an only child
- She is denying access for her kids to my mom and lies to her constantly
There is obviously a lot of baggage there too. I have had to come to terms with that relationship falling away because I do not think she and I have had a conversation in 25 years. There was something a couple years ago and she cowardly hid behind her husband speaking out of pure ignorance and stupidity… long story.
It’s all so very ugly and haunts me, because this is immediate family and is really filled with dysfunction and disconnection making “family” a four letter word. The people who are closest to you hurt you the worst. I feel like the black seed that has caused a cancer in this family that has gone beyond the immediate circle and branched up the chain enough that my mistakes are compounded by the history that began with my poor judgement. I refuse to be abused any more and I made another promise: To stop tearing myself down thinking it makes me humble… it just looks pathetic and hurts people that care about me.
Things that matter
- Being able to look someone in the eye
- Being able to hug someone at any time
- Being able to offer a helping hand
- Being able to accept a helping hand
- Supporting your family and friends when you can
- Sharing love and friendship with another
- Getting a kiss from someone awesome
- Coming home to peace and quiet
- Being able to float in a nice pool on a hot day
- Just chillin’ out with friends
Why am I making lists these days? Just taking inventory I guess. As I get closer to Burning Man it is time to take on inventory again for the next step in life.
Again, I am feeling a tremendous need to get the hell out of Las Vegas. I feel like I have done and experienced everything possible here. Though I have met some really amazing people here … the calling is pulling me away – but to where?
Ever just feel stuck? Ever just feel like your feet are stick in mud and just raising your foot is really really hard. That’s me.
Can;t post on Facebook anymore because too many people are seeing it and commenting on it. Just this last month, so many people have told me how sad I look. I saw this fat, older dude sitting on a bench in his underwear at the gym staring into the wall like he had nothing to live for – that for the grace of God goes I.
I project a lot. I try seeing through other people’s eyes and rarely is it good for me. Meps.
10 Things…
10 Things I love about Vegas
- Pools on hot days
- The comfort and lack of agendas from fellow burners
- Sunset
- Moon rise
- The hills surrounding the city during sunset and dusk
- … hmmm, I’m stuck. How long can one stare at the screen trying to fill in the rest of this list. I just whipped out the 10 things I hate about Vegas.
When the wrong thing is easier that the right thing it is time for an evaluation.
10 Things…
10 things I hate about Vegas
- That people are routinely unreliable, flaky, and ambivalent
- That people really exist in their own micro-verse in spite of words that falsely portray otherwise
- That MPD is lazy, corrupt and civically irresponsible in my opinion
- That it is so unfriendly to pets
- That it is so hard for people on one side of town don’t connect to the people on the other side of town – “it’s too far” – it’s 20 minutes to drive almost anywhere in town!
- That dating here here has been so hard
- That greed and indulgence and dependence or so easy to find
- That unemployment is so high
- That I find it hard to believe in anyone here – politically, community, heroically
- That I personally have lived the life of a phoenix so many times and am looking forward to my next rebirth
There will be a few more lists while I think about my own accountability. Getting the negatives out first seemed to be the way to start.
Funday Friday
So it begins… I feel like there is a dark cloud following me around again. It is only because I have taken so much on my shoulders once again and am very fearful that the car is going to finally spin off the track. Unemployment ended last week and getting the federal extension is proving to be difficult.
The state unemployment department has a phone number that is constantly busy. Considering we have unemployment that has actually passed Detroit, things in this shit hole city are not going to improve. There are signs everywhere that it is going to die here. It cannot sustain.
The heat is unbearable in summer for the most part. Lake Meade is dropping faster than you could ever imagine. Fires burning out the historical parts of the city. Layoffs by the hundreds.
That’s just some of it. I know there is hardly a place in the country that is surviving this nutty economy and a fucked up government that is retarded from being unable to make things better. Capitalism is a self devouring serpent. The serpents body wriggles and crushes all those around it. I may well be forced to sacrifice a lot just to survive… and I ain’t got a lot to sacrifice.
It’s not like I am a virgin … right.
What’s next?
So, I went on another interview today and I am sure I bombed it – again. He loved my work and then he had me run some kind of test… but it was horrible. I can code the shit out of a page. But he had me setup an html mailer off a photoshop mockup.
- on a MAC
- not with my reading glasses
- using f’ing DreamWeaver
- and I never made mailer before….
No excuses… on the way home when I thought about it… I thought how it would have been better to do it differently than I did. The thing is that the last guy left his open and I could have just copied… but I wanted to just do it on my own.
I managed to tie my own hands behind my own back and shove my foot in my ear all in one shot. Ugh… maybe I need to just stop this shit.
I am a good designer. I am talented. I cannot seem to get this career going. I feel like the universe is mocking me. ugh!
birthday @ FireFly Las Vegas
Last night was my birthday gathering at Firefly. Adolfo made all the arrangements and talked to some or all of my freinds and it was a nice occasion.
Woody was my only friend that showed up besides having gal pal Annebell (felow graduate from Culinary School) also in attendance. I guess you could say this goes along with my previous entry about “friends” and what is important.
I got a Zune from Adolfo. The Zune is a cool device and it works better than an Ipod, but getting content SUCKS!!!!! They donot have any video or movie stuff. It’s awful.. and I have all this content from iTunes that won’t work. So I am trying to decide whether I want to return it or not???? Ugh! I’ll experiment with it.
I found an article that suggests how to move content over…. hmmm?
On other notes: I got a nice Happy BDay from Allan in TX and some notes my mySpace from peeps. It’s nice when people remember. Sam called today and said “howdy” and all… but he did not remember either. He says he wants to come back to Vegas and stay with us.
So, as you can see there is always so much happening here in Lost Wages. Showgirls on every corner and Elvis is the security guard. The police department is all male strippers and hookers are the welcoming committee. ho-hum… ha ha ha
Long Winded….
Allergy season is totaly kicking my ass and I have made my own cocktail of pills to fight it. I take Claritin-D and one of the Pink Pills at the same time. The Claritin wires me and the pink stuff mellows… so together I am even-steven. I worried at first that I was going to end up killing myself with pills, but this has actually made a difference.
I am allergic to female cats… their dandruff anyway. I am also allergic to something blowing off the mountains like pine or something. It sucks!
Tonight is my Friday and I am looking forward to being off. Wednesday I have plans with some guys and it should be way cool. Niko and Micheal are another couple I met through myspace.com/[redacted] and I think I like them alot. Moreover, I think Adolfo likes them a lot too because they seem so nice and so normal. Niko has a daughter from them (she is also on mySpace) and she is as cute as a bug. You can really see her as a young woman as she is maturing and comes across as such a nice young lady.
Whatmore… lately there are times when people want to talk to me and tell me stories that seem to go on forever. I have a very short attention span and if you keep telling me a story that goes on too long I tell you I am going to fade right out of every word. I may be looking at you, I may be ackowledging you, I made nod once in a while…. but not a single word is landing. Almost like this paragraph. This paragraph is about the max I can handle.
I also re-did my dad’s web site [redacted] last night and I think it looks really good. I enjoyed putting it together. I have 2 more sites I want to re-do in the meantime. My uncles and then my cooking sites as well.
The big announcement for me this month is that I have come to terms with the reality that I am not going to achieve what I want out of the cooking opart of my career. I have resigned entirely from making cooking a career and will, instead, make due with that I have. If I.T. is going to be my direction, then so be it. Unless international playboy is an opening I can taken… right.
I plan on taking some more classes soon and just riding the wave until I can move on with my life in a positive direction. I think I let too many people decide for me what I should do. Other people have been allowed to influence my decisions way too much!
Anyway, hope everyone is well.
I talked to Allan today on the phone and we talked abiout his life of lies where he is playing with men then going home and fucking his wife. I just don’t really get these married guys who live secret lives while being married??? There is a LOT OF THAT shit and I really think it’s wrong. I told him he should tell his wife and let the chips fall. He loves her a lot and she knows it… but she got burned by a gay guy once before whom she was engaged to.
Another guy here at work is in a simalar circumstance. It’s wierd, but HE is obsessing over another guy that works here. Obsessing to the point of annoyance.
I also talked to Sam and I really feel for him. I have always loved Sam for a variety of reasons and want to see him happy. I do not understand him all the time, but that is just the differences between people and outlooks on life. I hope that Sam will figure out the direction he needs to go in and get his life going again in spite of some of the shit he was burried in recently. He worries me a lot.
Sam is smart. He is a sweet guy. Sometimes misguided, sometimes he’s a bitch. He is someone you can hug and feel a genuine warmth from.
Terry may be coming to LV next month? I have to send him an e-mail to find out.
Mark posted a comment on this diary remarking about my description of him… I called him a Goth-Guy. Well, certainly I think that is how I sorta saw him. He is an interesting guy I could enjoy working with again if that oppurtunity ever came up. You know those poeple you may have met professionally… if they ever said I could use you… I’d move across country for him.
There are other people too. The people I worked with in Cambridge MA are the same.
I miss HostPro and CambridgePort Bank. Those were places I like to work at.
Anyway… I have carried on too long like I sually do when I have not written in a few days… talk soon….
LOVE TO ALL… xo