Category Archives: verbal diahrea

Heart Break and Self Doubt

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I have been struggling a long time with who I am and where I want to go in life. At 59 years of age, most people have those questions settled. The vision of who I think I am and how the world responds to me is as different as the shores of an ocean. The gap feels that wide sometimes. I have not always been a good friend to some people and my loyalty to many has been trashed more times than I could count. The truth is also that I have learned a lot about myself in the last fifteen years and have tried to alter that to be as true and honest and good as possible. But, it does not always work. 

I get point of my reflections came when I had some diagnosis for PTSD and severe anxiety. Game Changer. Like, serious game changer to understand my behavior and why I am the way I am. That came around 2018/19 or something like that. So, not that long ago. Fortunately, we were moving into a world where people were having more empathy and compassion for people with issues like those. Sadly, not everyone is on board. And because everyone seems to be suffering from anxiety and is self medicating the rest of us get swept under the rug as being weak or broken and not worthy.  So freaking frustrating when people you love and care for have no sense of what it means to be in that bubble. 

Just curiously I did a search on this site to see what entries I made about this before like this mental health search and anxiety and PTSD with a lot of overlap. (Note: I saw references to my other blogs which are all contained in this version now). 

The Reason for this Post

Anyway, the impetus of this post is about a friend who said some very unfriendly things about me and I am still reeling after a month or more. I Invited someone to stay with me in my home who I loved dearly but was worrying that our friendship was being tested. I took off work for the days he and two of his friends were visiting and spent a lot of time with them to see if it was real or my imagination. To me, the weekend was absolutely fantastic on every level. There was some subtle drama here and there, but it did not seem to have anything to do with me. 

On our last evening out, he suddenly turned on me and said a lot of really mean things. Critical feedback is one thing, but this was really ugly and mean. Exactly a minute before his attack on me, I was thinking: “Wow, I loved our time together this weekend! Our friendship is solid,” I said to myself. Then – blamo. 

We went back to the house. I said nothing. I went up to my bedroom and closed the door and gently let that content pass through me. He came up and started to apologize, but then he dug his heels in deeper. I told him I was not ready to say anything about what he said. I mentioned that nothing he said was kind, helpful, or caring that I needed time to process the information. So, the next morning, calmly we talked. I asked him to let me say what I needed to say. He did and was unapologetic and that was that. 

I called him a week or two later and he dug in. It was the moment when I felt a little crack in my heart. 

When is “I love you, Scott” a weapon and not an honest expression? 

The bigger picture is more messy and would involve me sharing things I can’t. But people around this friend were also letting him down and maybe I got the blowback from it. Maybe I was simply not a good friend. If that is the case then all I can say is thank you for the memories and goodbye. This person was there in a handful of my happiest moments in life. We shared a handful of amazing memories, mostly tied to our mutual Burning Man experiences. 

Karma is Real

Some who read this, if at all, might know of several circumstances in my life that I was not a good friend. At least one of them was really high profile. Karma –  

“Hinduism identifies karma as the relationship between a person’s mental or physical action and the consequences following that action. It also signifies the consequences of all the actions of a person in their current and previous lives and the chain of cause and effect in morality.”

A person can change their Karma through acts of kindness and empathy. I have been trying a lot harder over the years. I have a lot of regrets and letting them go is really hard. I still think about them in the context that: though I cannot change the past I can do better moving forward. If there is a chance to heal the past then it has to flow into my path and through in order to keep moving ahead, because going backward is not going to work for anyone. A bunch of AA people are turning in their graves with that one. 

Melissa, Me, Brian, and Ron

To Melissa**, Grant*, Keith, Eloy, Adolfo and more I ask your forgiveness – because when I knew you I was not ready for what that relationship meant. Did I miss anyone? 

*Grant sent me a friend request this week on Facebook and we had a short conversation. It was nice. 

**I see Melissa around every here and there and she looks super annoyed I am in the same space she is in. Her and I went through a super dark breakup. Our friendship was pretty special in it’s day, but there was some super dark moments I had to separate myself from. Then some assholes stirred up some drama and pulled me into that caused it all to explode. It played out huge at a Leadership gathering in SF before I moved there in front of everyone. Super crazy. I have since learned more details and – wow. I do not expect the relationship to be repaired but the blast radius was huge and there is still radiation. 

Introverted?

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When I moved back to Las Vegas, I thought I would be able to get right back into the flow of some things with the people I felt deeply connected to here who were a part of my original burner community. Because I have no time for social stuff, I blamed that for not being able to connect. It almost feels like that is an excuse I told myself. In fact, it also feels like the community moved on without me and my motivations are different. It feels like I am an outsider. 

It’s my own fault, because I have different priorities these days. I put those priorities into my new house, marriage, dog, and my aspirations to publish my book. On all those points, I have put all those things over my need to be social.

My writing get a priority because I feel like I am so close to having these books published. But, I might be chasing a dragon on this one. I am having a lot of self-doubts. I always seem to get close and not get there. 

I connected with my psychiatrist last week and he mentioned something that is still in my head, about me being an introvert. I have always considered myself to be an introverted/extrovert, but it feels like that scale is sliding. It definitely is because of those previously mentioned priorities. I wonder if I keep filling the wrong bucket because my people meter keeps washing out on me.  I deeply feel like I need a better balance. 

Recently a friend of mine sent me a kit for a “Clearing Kit”, which is magic. Literally, a magic kit for clearing the obstacles in your life. I am a bit afraid to use it because I can see how one of those obstacles could definitely be my marriage. So, I have to ask myself, what are the priorities I want for the future. I know I want the books published and I want to write new things. I want to write full time. I want to travel. I want to cook. I want to be with friends. 

My job is okay. I like what I do. It’s chaos defined. It gives me little room to take care of myself. Where do I go with that? <<me questions, not a you question. 

But I want to be with my friends and I want to go on adventures but I am still stuck. I miss and love so many of the people I have met in my life, but am having trouble connecting. 

Sigh.

Burning Man

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This week I decided it was time to declare I was not going to go to Burning Man. Fifteen years into this, I am starting to feel a lot of things about my involvement with the organization and see where it is a really unhealthy relationship. If I were to focus just on being a BRC Ranger, ignoring all the b.s., I would likely be fine. But, that is not how I roll. I hate injustice and hypocrisy so I cannot understand why so many of my fellow humans continue to support an organization that really forget that we (participants) are funding their jobs. They tell us what we need to know and feel and we gladly go along with it. 

And that – ladies and gentlepersons – is why it is time to take a big fat pause and evaluate the organization and decide if this is worth my time and energy.

I bitched about some of these things already, so no reason to rehash that. Go to www.queerburners.org and check out the blog there! I have to step away, because it has been an up hill battle for more years than it should be. Personal safety, discrimination, and commodification of BIPOC participants is just a lo of heavy shit. 

AND, I cannot really afford to go on a lot of levels. The new house, the dog, no job right now, blah blah blah… all reasons not to go and prevent a divorce. So… I leave it at that to let my own needs and wants figure out a better future for myself with the choice of healthier living. Healthier mind, wants, and people. And there ya go. It’s a toxic relationships as it is today. 

Packing to move

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When you are moving you become uncommonly aware of all the crap you have accumulated in your life to this point. In this case, there are two of us and we are mostly handling our own things. So, I am being forced to realize how much crap I actually have to deal with. How much STUFF I have been toting around and never looked at since it landed in that box ten, even fifteen, years ago. 

When I left Las Vegas in 2011, I filled a dumpster with stuff that I discarded and regretted leaving behind. It was really hard to have walked away from some of that stuff. But, stuff is just stuff. My ex and I managed to collect so much. I managed to just keep so much stuff, I promised to clean house when I start unpacking. 

Stay tuned for details. Not that anyone is reading this silly blog. But I guess it gives me a place to ramble on. 

Announcement: We are moving to Las Vegas as Homeowners!!!

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This has been in the works since March, but we bought a lovely house in Las Vegas and will be moving there in the month of May to start our new life. I am glad to be going back and reconnecting with a lot of old friends and be a part of a network of friends that I have sorely missed. While I know a lot of people there, my partner is not as familiar with people. But, we are luck to have some good friends close by. Right around the corner, another couple we know really well and love, live as our new neighbors. 

This year has been a huge change for me and I am hoping it is a solid direction for what is left of my time on this planet. We got married on February 6th as part of this process to get this house and really start building this life as we want. Since we inche toward the final steps of this process I have been furnishing and planning everything in my head. It’s gunna look way cute if I can get it out of my head and in the house. 

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The furniture shown in these images from Zillow are all staged in the strangest ways. I have some ideas for the house and a lot of things I want to make happen for it while we live there. Time for our next 5 year plan.

When we got married it was part of this decision. This process started around the end of January and has taken this long to close. We signed the final papers this morning and submitted closing costs and will have keys this week.

The fact today is May Day is even more special, because it is a day for new beginnings. It’s a day for reflection, memories, and taking bold new steps in life. So glad. So grateful.

New Therapy

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I started with a new therapist 2 weeks ago. The intake conversation left me in a very bad place. I was stunned how much she threw me off my center. The missing part of the equation, I did not know that was the kind of appointment we were going to have. I had no idea I had been assigned a psychologist.

It really took me more than a week to get hold of myself and I went into today’s appointment stating my needs. If you are going to open pandoras box, please close it when you are done. In the end, we left today in a good place. There was nothing earth shattering or new that came out of it.

I have had a lot of problems with a majority of the mental health people I had to work with at the V.A..

  •  the first time I did this in San Francisco I met a shrink that was weird, in the course of the evaluation I felt really weird when it was done. She assigned me to a psychologist.
  • the psychologist was a full blown nut-bag. That put me off of Ft. Miley altogether on the subject.
  • the next person was a social worker who took me through something called CBTs, but there was a weird thing with him that we got along really well and it got in the way – big time. It really put me in a bad place.
  • moving on to a new facility, when I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. It was a diagnosis that FINALLY put me in a good place, but the journey was super hard. This time, the weight was on me. I really had a hard time and the guy that walked me through the CPTs was amazing, professional and a great guy. And now the journey is just continuing.

After that, when I got that diagnosis, broke my world a little. That was in 2019 (as I recall). I found people around me that took advantage of that distress. There are 2 people from my job that saw that weakness and did things that broken me was not able to deal with very well.

My PTSD comes from a couple different sources. There is a lot of childhood trauma sexual abuse. Then in 2016 here in San Francisco I was sexually assaulted again. A lifetime of struggling with my baggage and bad decisions and somehow I managed to survive to this day.

I can see my shortfalls but sometimes I cannot help but drive into the wall.

Good morning

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Today is Tuesday, which is my Monday at my job. It’s really no different than most days, other than I know I will likely be busy-ish for the first part of the day and then the second half I have to sit at the door. I have to greet people, tell them thank you for shopping at Cliffs, and make sure they are wearing the right kinds of masks. Also, make sure nothing is leaving unpaid. Pretty basic. I am being paid a wage that fits the job… I think. All good, right?

The weight of depression and anxiety is really debilitating and feels like a huge weight on my chest. Looking out from within I keep looking for a ledge to grasp on to to keep myself moving forward. Some constants like showing up to work is the firmest foundation I have. Making sure I meet my partners needs at home (food, general house care, etc) is another.

BUT, looking out there is a monster inside that looks at that second paragraph and keeps pointing out the flaws and what it thinks I need to do. That broken Id, is a crotchety, angry old fart who keeps saying they know better. It wants me to quit this job full stop. It wants me to just take a break. Like a big break. It tells me I can survive without the illusion that I HAVE TO KEEP this job.

But that voice has been right and wrong. That voice is not a healthy thing right now. There is a lot of weight on my neck with mourning, remorse, regrets and a growing fear of social situations that is literally killing me.

Most recently I found out someone I really care about has cancer.

The fallout with my mom is still really upsetting and I cannot feel safe backing up into that lane again.

I still keep wondering if there was a way to be in a better place with my biological family, even though that is and was – unlikely.

Is my partner and I really good for each other? This January will be 10 years long.

I feel like a glob of solid lard. I have been unable to get out and get exercise. I have been unable to go to the gym, and I am paying a gym membership, but I am just stuck in a mode like my feet are sinking in mud. I do think about what it would be like to not have those worries any more.

(Heavy heavy sigh)

Good morning world.

Seattle

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We came to Seattle to check it out. In reality we have been considering moving here and are still not 100% sure about it. However, I am feeling a little better about the idea. I think moving here will require some boxes ticked that eye a long term transition. For me anyway.

If we move, it is likely somewhere I will have to retire at. C has a longer life and is not going to be stuck anywhere, but building a nice home where ever we go will allow us to build roots and set up life for a long term.

Considering the last 9.5 years together and if the road offers at last that much time still that would be awesome.

Family

As for the drama with my sister that seems to have cooled, but who knows? The moment I take my eye off the ball it will likely swell up again. In the last month I decided I had to walk away from a toxic family dynamic which many many people seem to be in a similar spot.

A big common thread with unhealthy family seems to be the queer kid. Having a queer kid in a family means the kid is not necessarily going to follow you safe, heteronormative family dynamic. That is scary for parents and tips the expectations of family members thus driving anxiety and disillusion of ideas that make some people angry > which is a reaction to fear.

Fear of the rejection of their hetero normative values and fear for the kid who is afraid of being rejected by the family and the over all support system.

Basically, for me I am evaluating things much differently. I have literally been trying to justify my life to parents and siblings that I was at odd with. The reasons I walked away from my sister 30 years ago is different from the reasons I walked away from my dad 20 years ago and finally me mom a month ago.

However, there is a thread running through it all tying it together. My failure to be what other people thought I should be like, or who I should portray myself as. I grew up a queer kid and am still a queer adult.

Whatever…

I might read this again later and wonder what I was thinking. I am using this blog as a tool to put this drama out of my head and live at peace a little. I am sitting in my Seattle hotel room with an amazing view thinking about life.

A long way away … Happy Anniversary

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I was raised by a racist. A man who used the “N” word as comfortably as he breathed. I was also weened on television that painted racial stereotypes, queer and trans identities, with mockery and insensitivity. When I moved to San Francisco 9 years ago today I also entered a world that challenged me about everything and every human. I love people of all types and since being here I learned to love them more in a way that better respects our differences. I am still shocked about how much racism I see even here. Entitlement and privilege have taken on new meeting. I hesitate to say much or because I do not feel I have the right to. I have no bone in that fight. But a sign I saw said white silence = violence. I stand squarely with the rights for people to be pissed off. And their right to share that rage with people who are not paying attention. Another sign said that “you will not tell me how to grieve” and I understand and get out of the way of that. I got called a racist last week and I felt the wind sucked out of me… cold water through my veins; because I misunderstood something someone said in context. None of it is about me. I am celebrating 9 years here in the Bay Area … and it has bothered me that I have not found a way to contribute to this story. This is not permission. It is silent witness to something that strikes at my core in a way that is different than the way it may have effected you. I see people I care for who are people of color who struggle during this time. So I try my best to be better – and maybe that will help on some level.

Welcome back stranger… you’re fucked

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I have not been using this thing in a while. I kinda forgot about it for the most part. The thing is that over the last year I have been very conscience of the weight I have gained and the confines of my living situation with my bf.
There has been a lot of life hitting me in the face. Jobless – again. Dealing with a drunk – again. Life is just been a weird spinning ball of piss.
Done with the Debbie-Downer stuff now. On the positive note I went to my first Alanon meeting last week and found it eye-opening. I thought I was going for one reason and discovered there were other ones too. I heard voices from the people there and realized they were saying some of the same things I had to say as well.
The thing is that years of therapy and conscience has risen me above blame and dependence, but not free of my own shadows. It’s vague but it means something to me. Not that anyone is paying attention to this blog to begin with.
Thinking about why I severed my relationship with my father today… I remember how he thought it was because he would not give me money when I asked for it. I remember what it was like realizing that he would never see me more than an annoyance in his life.
There is plenty about the past on here already. I am tired of dealing with my past, with him, with whatever damage is in my own psyche. I have no one to blame but myself. Everyone has some form of fucked up childhood and those that don’t are really fucked up adults.