This is a good shot of BAM BAM’s art car with me on it getting ready for the Orange Party that was starting shortly after sunset. Funny how people will ask me about what Burning Man is all about and I cannot still explain it. Truth is Burning Man is personal and it is what you bring to it.

Mason Dave snapped this shot while I was shooting video on top of this tower. My video has not been published because some people have already made some awesome vid.

This video embodies my expereince – but they were a couple notches up! These little hotties had a good – ass – time and set it to some good – ass – music.

One of my favorite pics with me and the girls. This was some naked point of the day… ha ha ha; because I am naked and getting hugs!

And this is the Neighbors Dog art car Mel and Cam brought; it barks constantly. It’s the neighbors dog… get it????

And this was center camp where I spent much of my time and the place I found a sense of Zen I really needed.

It has been a tough week. Last week I spent 8 days in the fantasy land that is Burning Man where the world outside virtually ceased to exist. I did have to worry about rent, but there was no technology to rely on. Sep 2nd I took a bus from Burning Man to Gerlach, NV so I could find a cell tower… then call out and make arrangements for my rent. All is well…

On the other hand, given my propensity for whining, I guess I would be remiss to note how hard it is getting back into the flow of things. Tuesday I was a lump all frigging day. Wednesday, I got some steam and ran some appointments plus got in a yoga class! yey me!

Today am trying to do some more stuff and should be back in the swing of things tonight… I hope.

Basically, I wanted to make a note today expressing the conflict of the Burning Man life with the real world. I may have let too much energy go into that journey, but in the end I am counting the rewards received from that journey taken.

Last night I discovered a web site for Burners who are single and they bar poly people and swingers… I was stunned. It was a direct reversal of what many of the burners I got to know were telling me about this culture, so there is hope.

In the next year I am setting some goals for myself and making new plans. Whatever fate hands me I am going to start taking some of the reigns back and make this new year a personal achievement. Yes, I will be going back to Burning Man. Yes, I would invite you to join me. Make life what you want…

…no whining please.

HEY!!!! YOU… reading this…. Use comments below to add your feedback and please use your name. Blogger rocks and is worth checking out. Cya!

My time at Burning Man was a great lesson in my own life about me. I took some perspective of the world around me by visiting a new world. Burning Man is a trip to another planet. There is no doubt – what-so-ever- – that seeing and experiencing these people had an impact on my life.

People hug there when greeting and sometimes for no reason at all. When two people bump into each other – get in each other’s way, or spill something some hugs or says it’s okay or offers to help clean it up. People are generally open to each other without a single negative vibe.

You accept a person for being a freak if they want to be a freak. People who are destructive are forced to leave. Radical self expression becomes the norm. Me being a fat – socially awkward – middle aged man is still okay, where in the gay world I am still supposed to be rejected.

Gays at Burning Man are more at peace because it is as if we are suddenly more welcome socially and the sexual lines between us and them is much grayer! They are the sexual deviants and we somehow became more mainstream. Girls flip for girls on a dime.

Eh… there is always next year. My brain is a little friend. I am still a little ill from food poisoning from Burger King. PLEASE READ MY TRIP REPORT!

i am back from Burning Man now… on the way home we ate at Burger King in Tonopah and were posioned. Nacie also says she is not feeling well. With that and other obligations today, I am not feeling much motivation. I expected to feel differently about a lot of stuff given ALL the refelction I did while away.

There is nothing in my way to be succesful right now and I still feel like a total loser. I am drowning in my own filth and cannot swim hard enough to get very far above the surface.

While at BM I did a lot of thinking … I also did a lot of thinking about the people I know. Seems like freinds are constantly letting me down and I cannopt count on anyone. I have to stand on my own, but I find myself wanting someone in my life more than ever.

I wrote a long thing about BM on the myBurn page over in the menu column. It will be posted today soon after this goes out. I am also going to make some entried on the Burning Man blog my Journey > also seen to the right.

Basically I am just at a loss and feel like I cannot do anything right. I feel really alone and last night this food poisoning was really screwing with me. I was so sick.

People often act like they care more than they really do and here in Vegas I find myself distinctly adrift. I miss having friends and people around that are there and give a shit. Guess that is asking a lot? Guess it is asking a lot for having dinner with a friend or to be able to go for a hug.

On top of all that I am caught between a rock and a hard place because it fees like a lot of people in the burner community actually have been sensitive and caring. Yet, I feel like all the time I spent with some of them this week they were just sick of me by the end.

Ugh, I am not a drama queen. I am venting. I had an amazing time last week and made some great contacts. I felt so fortunate to be around many of those people (most of them anyway). Bam Bam was so caring and watched my back when we were out there. BATT was so sweet. So many great energies.

Now I want something more. I need something else…

I have done a lot to prepare for this journey and have made a lot of life changing decisions in the last year to be at this point. Getting through Burning Man is going to be a launching platform into a new year for me. I am already defining what that year will be and what those priorities will take the form of.

I am certain I will make Burning Man next year if there is one. I think there is too many people invested in this monster to let it die, but them old codgers running the show might be getting tired.

Even our local community seems to be having a funeral right now. Although we have a truly magnificent placement and camp at Burning Man this year, the local people who drive a lot of the events are taking a powder. There are a lot of reasons in the air and the worst of them is politics and hurt feelings.

I personally have managed to avoid politics and conflicts that always exist in groups. It is funny, because on a couple of occasions someone tried talking to me about it all and I found a reason to be somewhere else. Ha ha ha….

God I love these people, but I am staying out of the cross-fire. This comes as I want to get some of my people together and plan the DEMCOMPRESSION. I have a bunch of ideas and I want to do something to raise money for the group to take care of some things.

Sigh… in less than a week I will be at Burning Man.

I just took Tom out for a walk…

Right before this event took place Tom comes over to me, stands 3 feet away, and stares at me. It’s a clear sign he wants to go out for a walk. I say to him, not now. I get huffed at and he walks away, going to the bedroom, and crawls under the bed. What a friggin attitude!?!?!?!

We go outside and I cut him loose from the leash because I can… he stares at me and pees… then I said to him: You are a stodgy old man with a 5 year old inside of you. Ironically… sadly… I realized we are exactly alike.

What to do when 1 million things need to be done in 7 days or less. What to do when there are no resources to do it, too? Well, the answer is I have no friggin clue. I am sitting here trying to balance a box on my nose and juggle jugs of nitro …

ugh… I am getting way off track. So, here is the dealio. The fine folks from whom some of my income is portioned from have come up with a way not to pay me a week’s worth of cashola. At the same time I am trying to collect a payment for work I did for a client and he is not shelling that out yet.

I leave in 6 days for a 10 day trip and – if I could log into my bank – I would see either enough money in there to buy a pack of gum OR a negative balance? But, there is an ASP error when I try logging in – thanks Microsoft.

Am I ready for this trip… far from it. Am I managing… barely. Will I survive? Who knows… but there is a huge part of me that I would love to go there and stay forever. Like some kind of fantasy world…

BTW! I am figuring out what my new year is going to be. My new year starts in September. I figured out this month seems to be a pivotal one for me. Not the mass-marketing January 1st bullshit.

I spent some time reflecting and realized that most years…. September has oddly been a pivotal month for me. And I think this one will be nothing short of something cataclysmic!

There is some interesting energy passing around me and I am stuck in the flow right now. Some people who have not been active in my life are falling out. Some people who have not been good friends are also being pushed away or are flaking off like a bad scab. And oddly – I might have considered some of those people to be significant in my current life.

– Mark (mentioned in several recent posts) has fallen away – well pushed away. His friendship had a hidden agenda attached to it and an unhealthy and even mean spiritedness to it.
– David (oddly enough Mark’s recent ex) apparently was not interested in being friends. He and I clicked when we were out and partying and having fun and all; but somewhere along the way the ignored called and texts was not a clue that I was unwanted… I dunno. I wasn;t good enough.
– John (Mexican John) vanished on me more than a month. He started dating some freakshow that I met last Sunday for the first time. Freakshow is a kind … anyway. But I am still unsure where I am with him at this moment in time. If you ditch a close friend for a long time to date a freak (because he will be judged harshly [shocked yet?]) then what else will yo do to that friend?

It sucks… because loyalty is hard to find and friendship with people is even harder. I come from a family that is so disconnected that it is no wonder my personal relationships are so topsy turvey.*

There are others. But too much energy to expel further…. sigh.

On the other hand… people are connecting to me from a variety of resources. It’s odd, because I just got used to people drifting in and out of my life. (Yeah Scott, note the entry above with pictures of the offenders! Scott, you asshole!) [ha ha ha] But, I connected with a couple guys on facebook that are amazingly attractive, but the closest of them is literally 3000 miles away.

Locally I met a couple guys and 1 of them in person. Although nothing significant has happened between me and anyone… it feels nice to be making human contact. It is all a learning experience anyway. Next year will be much better. Next year is about some new goals and a new me. I promise. Another new me that has learned from me of the year before – who learned from the year before that – and so on and so on and so on….

…oh god help me please.

*some people might say my disconnection from my family is my fault and I might disagree. They are spread all over the country; hell most of them can’t wait to be away from each other and romance over the idea of a family reunion. It took my grandfather passing to get everyone – I do mean everyone – in the same place. I never saw such an amazing gathering. My grand-dad and grand-mother on my moms side were glue! They kept people together… I’m glad I knew them. My dad’s family is a solid hot stinking mess. Ugh…. [I digress]

Did you know you can get mail on the playa? Yes, there is mail service out of Gerlach, Nevada. Our camp will have a mail box to be serviced! Ha ha ha…

We need “PLAYA MAIL” Post cards from our family & friends! Please send them to: Toaster@ Sin City Village 7:15 ESPLANADE BURNING MAN FESTIVAL BLACK ROCK CITY, U.S.A. GERLACH, NV 89412 Please post them out no later than the 26th of August. Send as many as you want! ;-] We’ll keep track RT

– someone posted this note on the mailing list

I am Toaster… that is my playa name and I like it a lot. It was given to me by JuneBeaver… yey

This will be my address in 2 weeks.