Updated a lot of my visuals and content on my personal site tonight instead of working on another project. Shame on me. John stopped by to visit me after work… what a sweetheart. And to thik I was bitching about him a couple months ago. What an asshole I am …ha ha ha

My phone has been either ringing or messaging like mad today with some very nice greetings of this, one of my favorite holidays of the year. Why? Because I get to cook and I preferably like cooking for other people. I guess it helps I have a culinary degree besides my degree in web schtique.

Last night I whipped butter with this primo white truffle oil and then chilled it so it would be more solid. Then this morning I stuffed much of it (mixed with mixed italian herbs) under the skin of the bird. Popped that bad boy in the oven about 11 planning on it coming out by 3… and so it was. Basted it a few times with the same white truffle, butter and herb mixture.

Now I invited anyone who wanted to come by, but alas I was all alone. Not such a bad deal, but it felt really empty. Took me back to when Adolfo was still around and the Holiday meals we made together and how special it felt. I saw his neisce on line today and I came across the thank-you card from his other half-sister when we went to her quinsenera (sp?).

It’s funny how much I loved that guy and how much I was dedicated to him, then how little he saw those traits coming from me. He thought I used him for his money and I took him forgranted. When we started, I was the primary bread-winner of the house – which is someting he seemed to have forgotten.

No, I am not thinking I want him back. We had a good life together but the last year was pure poison. It ended much like the first time he and I dated. It can’t be too unusual for me to feel so melencholy right now given the fact he is the one man I was with longer than anyone. I never imagined us breaking up. If I cold know the old Adolfo and have the faith back that we cold do great things together… well that is reaching far.

No, maybe it is a reality that there is no one for me right now. I could blame Las Vegas but with the changes I have been through in the last couple years I wonder if I was really meant to be with someone.

Maybe I am saying this to trick fate into setting me up acting like I don’t want anyone. Ha ha ha… I’m not that clever and Fate is not paying me that much attention.

Uhm, I also made roasted yams and mash potatoes with a pan gravy wourthy of a good solid heart attack. No one came over and it was okay.

My second year in the community here has been vastly different than my first. The stardust is washed out of my eyes and the fantasy has become a little more real. Of course this world is a bit of a fantasy to begin with. Not in a bad way, but in the sense that you really can disconnect from the mundane world and feel a sense of freedom and … say lack of being tied down… than where I used to be.

Of course there are ties of another nature, with the fact that one has to pay bills and one has to go to work and one has to feed the dog. One week a year that all goes away. Unless you are prepared there will be consequences from checking out for a week, so be prepared.

Just last week tickets went on sale for a day and I have not heard how the sale went, but I imagine it went quickly. These were expensive tickets, but at east some people will see them in their stockings for Christmas.

Burning Man tickets go on sale 1/13/2010 @10am. Be ready.

Anyway, my second year has been a big shift. I see the veterans backing off from a lot of activities. You my have read Dark Skies has been canceled. I see a lot of complacency, division, laziness, and bad attitudes. I cannot say I have been free of some of these attributes myself. Even I have felt the need to pull back from that energy a bit, so maybe I am not the only one sensing it.

This weekend I am joining a L.A. Based group of Burners on a campout down at Joshua Tree and am very much looking forward to it. Considering the many people who are going, this should be a seriously high energy event and I feel I really need and want that connection. So, I’ll write more soon. And hopefully with pictures.

I was thinking on the way to work this morning how much as I was a younger adult I thought I had the world in the palm of my hand. I thought about how much it seemed like all the answers were right there in front of me. I could see family and freinds falling apart, but I had my feet soundly on the ground.

I could imagine myself a crystal goblet full of good stuff. But today, I shook the box and heard all the broken glass shifting around. Right now, that is the real me.

Well, been a lot on my mind and a lot of things I wanted to write, but I guess tonight is going to be a series of short bursts.

1. my car is gone and I miss it a lot. However, I am tying to maintain a positive attitude about it and focused on taking care of things I need to take care of. Just got to watch my spending. I feel like I am spending more on food and other leisure items. Meh… am getting back on track. pay bills pay bills pay bills get debt down a little more….

2. started bicycling to work about 2 weeks ago. I sometimes take the bus. But, the 9 mile ride one way has been great. It’s one hour each way… however, one night someone threw food at me when they drove by one night. I hope karma kicks their ass.

3. I love my job

4. I am going away this weekend to another burner related event. Well, not burner directly, but there will be a lot of people there and they do the same shit burners do, party. Got a group of Las Vegas people going with me. Yey!

5. I miss cooking for wads of people

6. I’m no longer looking for a boyfreind. I find I might be better of alone. I have no faith whatsoever in any of the guys in this city. None. nada. nicht. nyet. The guys here are pigs – shallow pigs.

7. Forogt about Thanksgiving until I was talking to my mom on the phone today. I bought a turkey and some stuff to go with it. Now, if it is just me and my dopey housemate then so be it.

8. I miss some of my friends I have not seen in a while.

9. I have been going out on Saturday nights and letting loose. It’s been good.

Okay… that was a lot of not a lot. so, I will try and put more stuff on here… hugs!

So bummed

There is never enough time in a day. When I was unemployed I had plenty of time, but had a problem getting the things done that needed to get completed anyway. So – there literally is never enough time.

I feel like things have been pretty mellow and I have been making the most out of my time off. Enjoyed Halloween for the first time in a decade this year. Made some new friends and feel really good about it.

Work has me nervous. Keep thinking I am not skilled enough to do the job. Everyone else is so far ahead of me and it sucks. However, I seem to be contributing on some levels so all I can do is keep on pushing.

As far as other issues are concerned.. the whole dad thing… perspective is coming back and it is just better he is not in my life. I know he is not the same man he was 25 years ago, but he is. I am a reflection of my parents and rather than focusing on the faults I want to focus on the positives.

The Flying Toaster is still here, too. I have to give it up soon unless I can find a way to refinance. I filled out a form on LendingTree.com last night and will see what happens. sigh…

hugs

I have never been such a great fan of Halloween – mainly because the time represents more important things to me. It’s fall – for one. It is also a strong spiritual time. Although many wives tales and the long-standing traditions of other cultures are already representing this, it is when the veil between the world of the living and the dead is thinnest. That is something to be honored and you will find that voice in your head, that intuition, that nagging feeling a bit stronger and you should well listen.

Anyway, the two parties I was counting on have passed last weekend and if you caught my Facebook status then you know I had my feelings about them. Friday night was the Witches and Wizards Ball; turned out to be a bit of a flop for me and I did not feel the vibe. Apparently I won a door prize that never materialized…

Saturday was the Erotic Ball. That was a lot of fun and pure debauchery. I brought a straight friend – because the party was supposed to be mixed – but the gay factor was way high. He was cool though. Had it been me I would have been screaming to get the hell out… but I have to say he was quit cool about the whole thing.

So next weekend there are some smaller events, but I am definitely open to something mind-blowing. Friday is a group of Burners and the people who run the house are nudists and the might be swingers too… not into the swinging thing but could be fun.

Saturday there are some choices to be made… rave or queer street party. Decisions????

NEWSFLASH: Cameron Grant (regional BM Rep for Nevada) has graciously asked me to sign on to the Board to help set up the Las Vegas regional event in April 2010. The people who are also a part of this will definitely bring some new and exciting energy to the event. The good thing for me is I will have responsibility while there and gives me something to focus on, so no getting f’ed up. I can stay sober and still enjoy things. Yey for me.

I am going to be a big advocate for a center camp where actual art can be displayed and people can congregate. I am also interested in getting Nacie (ButchPirate) involved with her Starfucks and Tea thing there.

Nacie also had a great fundraising idea we put on the table and I am looking forward to what can happen with all that. I am so excited.

Our community is changing here in LV and I hate to see some people phasing themselves out because these changes are too different than what they have know. Some of the people I have grown to look at as “mentors” have taken issue with the shifting sands and pulled back an awful lot.

I want to see Dark Skies rival the event they had in 2007 and want people to WANT to come and WANT to participate. The lifestyle aspects of of the LVBurners are becoming more community focused; thanks to Cameron and other people backing off a little. We have some great blood POURING into this group. I love it… these people have kept me sane in a crazy world.

There are a bunch of parties and event on the 24th. I want to go to them all… but am focusing on one of them for now. I bought elements for my costume yesterday. The last time I did this was when I lived in Boston. I am sure pictures will follow. They usually do, used for evidence against me. Ugh! ha ha ha

– Fetish and Fantasy Ball: a lot of Burners are going; love my freaks! ha ha
– Erotic Ball: gay Ball at someones house. I actually have to audition to go; seeing the host later today. Wanted to bring more people with me, but who knows?
– Bonedance: with the Vegas Vortex group; hearing they will have a Samhain… really want to do that!

So many choices…so little time.