Today was another day that I found very difficult. My mind was outside of myself through the first half of it, though I struggled to stay focused at work. I told a co-worker how much I appreciated him and he really seemed warmed by it. I have thoughts of being able to be very open and close to him… but I do not know who I can trust. I am especially suspicious of heteros…

Before I come off as a complete loon… I also want to say I am not actually going insane…. I am merely evaluating some choices I made. With freinds, with work, with attitudes. I suppose one needs to do that and I seem to have these petty crisises (sp?) once in a while… recently I had one over leaving Las Vegas once and for all… yet the bitch is still here.

I had one of these criseses when I broke up with Brian and lived 3 years to regret my actions. I have left freinds who were unkind, psycho, or just like poison and have occasioanlly looked back and wondered if I was too impulsive in my decisions.

Can you tell I still feel unsettled. I can say for certain that Adolfo has not figured into this conflict too much because he is only effected by the shockwaves of my actions so far. As I drift away from Keith, Adolfo has had a close relationship with HIM that will be effected. I am trying not to blow him out of the water over my actions… ya know?

Allan called me today. He is a huge dork. Still have not talked to Keith, because of the above. I miss Terry, Ed, Maureen, Brian, TVD, and a host of others. MIKEY!

Troubling…? I keep thinking I see my friend whom 10 years ago died from AIDS. This week I saw him three times in different places; or someone I thought was him. Today I almost swerved in the road…. wierd huh?

Sammy? My LBJoyBoy is out there suffering in North Africa and I want to add him to my prayers. To Estuardo in Boston my love, prayers, and tears for your recovery from Stage 4 cancer. To Cindy, I hope you get better for you and your kids. 143 to uNOhoooooo in Chicago.

I prayed tonight. Not only for my freinds, but for my own strength and wisdom. For my insight and vision… I prayed to Michael (my ultimate Angel), to the God that encomapses us all in light and conscience, to my surrounding spirits of passed freinds, lovers and family.. the blue lady, the wood spirits, and all my other angels.

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I am stopping now because Allan said I was writing too much in one sitting. His attention span is limited… ha ha ha!

OMG! Moved but not unpacked….completely anyway! This apartment is considerable more smaller than our last. Still two bedroom, still two bath… but MAYBE 25% of the storage space.

Going to work today was painful. I am not suited for this job and I know it. The spirits are telling me to leave when I can yet they understand I need to accomplish something there. In spite of the torment I endure in the daily ROUTINE I am still trying to learn and soak up what I can.

I have another issue, too. I was thinking today that I am a terrible person in some ways. I am not a good freind. Maybe I chose freinds that are wrong for me? Or maybe I am somply doing something wrong????

There have been some freinds whom I loved 100% without any physical/tactal expressions for like Ed in Long Beach. Todd Van Dorn, Hairdresser Todd, Magician Rob and a few others. There that have been other friends like Mikey (from Canada), Jeff from Redondo Beach, LBJoyBoy from Long Beach (now in Cypress [not California] migrating to Isreal), and a few others who do not come to mind whom I loved 150%; but I had HAD physical relations with them that seemed to build a different connection. Group A If felt confident with while Group B I felt warmed by.

I have friends at so many levels; male. Women are a whole other story… they are more like Group A. The Group B people I would go to the ends of the earth for… while Group A people I would do nearly anything for. There are so many chellenges when trusting yourself to another person.

I see you now, Allan, have a bloody tizzy wondering why you weren’t mentioned???? Some people, like you, have grown to be more like a sibling whom I have a closeness to… but a quiet disfunction with? Does that make sense???? Keith is like that, too.

2 things happened that got me thinking along this path:

1. Keith and I had words the day before yesterday and I have not wanted to talk to him since. I called today, but there was no answer on his cell or his land line. I figured… I better hold off. Adolfo wants me to make amends because HE feels close to Keith, even as I have many times. Yet, we have this miserable dysfunction that pops up on occasion.

2. A guy at work who is attractive and nice and hetero (from what I can tell) told me he knew all about Adolfo and our relationship. I was releived because I really wanted to tell him. He is a good man and has a powerful heart. I feel like I could become very close to him if it were possible??? ….like a Group B person. He is married with 4 kids and NO: I am not thinking of cheating on Adolfo with him so shut up.

So, I am conflicted. Those wierd, strange relationships from school fell away quickly after graduation last month. There are some people I still wish I could see on occasion and Keith was one of them. He is a pain in the ass at times but when we have fun together it is a riot! But I am asking myself if it is worth keeping? Is the dysfunction too grand and am and going to get pulled down with him?

Plled down??? Wrong word maybe???? There are reasons I do not wish to disclose on this diary… can’t for his sake… won’t for his respect.

Keith judged me and does it a lot. I might have passed some judgements to him whcih seemed to open a door like Pandora’s Box. It was almost an invitation for he to define his feelings about me and invite his feelings which I may not want to hear. He embarrased me the other day by expressing himself in front of a stranger which I do not put up with AT ALL. ….by no one.

So, I am alone. I hardly hear from Allan. Ed never contacts me… Todd, Todd …. they are all in Long Beach living good lives. My LBJoyBoy wrote me tonight telling me how LOW he feels about himself and I want to hug him… but Egypt is very far away. Jeff is in love with another man who is a fantastic guy and is so lucky to have him. Mikey has retired from the world back in Canada somewhere… all I have is my memories of him and a picture we took together that hangs in my bathroom.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I was a tolerant man. I wish I was better and sharing my love. I wish I was a better husband. I wish God would forgive me and that I could forgive myself. I wish I could find happiness. I wish I would find peace.

I often wish I was dead. I could never just kill myself, but I have wished many times it was all over with and that I was migrating on free of my mortal conscience. If I died tonight, then I would have left this earth in this life not knowing joy.

ugh! I have not been updating this. Instead I grouse at Allan, Keith, or Emily. (Who’s Emily??? See me on Frienster and her, too). Anyway, I woke up this morning stressing my balls off. All of my work clothes were missing and I could not account for them. I last wore them on Tuesday, where I changed clothes at work. I knew I carried them out of the hotel. I knew I put them in the truck… at least I was certain I got to the truck with them.

So, what happen? I check ed with security at the hotel and then wardrobe… ugh!

I was already stressed because I am moving on Monday and my schedule chaged so I could not move as planned. I have been begging my chef for a scheduling considersation.

ugh! Well, chef called me into his office and said he would make arrangements! Adolfo called said he found my clothes in a storage bin we just bought! I got my schedule. Yeah!

Things were looking up and I finished work.. blah blah blah… moving day is getting closer …

I am worried we do not have all the furniture we need! ARGH! Oh, I need to get to bed.

Well, this has been a bizzy month. Tonight I am just trying to pay some bills and catch up on a few things.

Gary! Guess what I have been doing…? I got started collecting comic books again within the last couple months. This time it seems mostly DC more than Marvel… because Marvel has become way way too confusing! I am liking JLA, Teen Titans, and this book that combines Superman and Batman. I even bought back issues. Today I read this book called the Outsiders and think that one sounds kinda interesting too. In Marvel, I am trying to figure out what the hell is happening to the X-Men. I also am picking up the Avengers and a few scattered others.

I find that reading the comics is a little relaxing and fun to get involved in the character histories. Who knew Wonder Girl was killed??? Well, there is a new one again. Super Girl is back again… Super Boy’s plot line with the Teen Titans is actually remortely interesting. The new Kid Flash is a hottie… but that is another story.

Anway, I am having a little fun reading them.

I am trying to get enrolled in school again! The University of Phoenix is all over the place and if I move or whatever I can always attend that school…

We bought a new dining table. I will update things about the new apartment and the new table as soon as I can in the Other section of my site…. check it out for updates soon!

I’ll write more soon…. 🙂

I’ve been a little bizzy this week with stuff… my best bud from ghigh school came to visit this week from California. He lives in Visalia now and is a Sherriff out there…

Anyway, they arrived and we planned on spending a lot of time together and we did. Life was also deminding my time this week as well. We managed to rondevous Tuesday for what was supposed to be a mutual sky-diving trip. They said I was too big for it. The company is all over the internet and they suck in my opinion… but what mattered was that Terry was happy.

Well, Terry was pissed off the first day. The idiots running the show at the sky diving place dropped the ball and had to cancel drops for the afternoon. Terry ended up going back on his onw the next day and jumped gleefully from 15000 feet… meanwhile, because of my great girth I held the earth in orbit from Las Vegas.

Anyway, after leaving the jump-place on Tuesday we went to Hilton and partook in the Star Trek exhibits… Klingon Encounter and the new Borg Encounter 4-D … Borg is less entertaining than the Klingon Encounter for sure! At least the Klingon Encounter takes one’s breath away on occasion.

On Wednesday we met at my place for dinner. I decided to make one of my favorite dishes: Beef Wellington, Creamed Corn and a salad. The salad was a spinach salad with a cremy balsamic I made. THEN for desert I made a Lavender Enfused Creme Brulee!!!!!!!

Terry… If you read this skid this paragraph and do not disobey! So, we went shopping for the food to make this happen and I nealry pooped myself for the cost of the meat alone. It was a 70$ piece of meat… holy crap-a-tolla! So, we made it happen anyway.

Dinner went off well and I was happy about it.. so as long as they were happy too… I am happy.

Other news!

Yesterday Adolfo and I signed a new lease… so we’re moving starting the 21st. We are also seriously pimping for gift cards for Target and Cost Plus to help furnish the new apartment. We have also decided to get rid of the CRAP we have now to fill the new place.

It’s another 2 bedroom. This one has a wood burning fire place and a walk-in pantry that this palce does not have. I anticipate creating a whole new energy at this new place!!!!! Yeah!

WOW.. that was a lot to update… huh?

A girl at work asked me a question today: “Do you have any regrets?” I answered “yes” immediately… it was a simple question to me. I have fell into several pit-falls in my life and have made a variety of wrong turns. I did not fixate on it, but she continued asking:

So, I told her the first regret was getting out of the Air Force when I did. I believed in Ron Reagan and the wealth of jobs waiting for me when I would leave the service after 6 years. The truth is I ended up living in a house with a hole in the roof the size of a volkswagen bug… I was getting $50/week from unemployment to live off of. It was the first of several wrong decisions in life I can recall.

Frightfully, I am drawn into reflection of my pitfalls. I have been impulsive and rash on some decsions, but amazing enough I have come out of it like a phoenix before decending in ash once again.

I would like to see my fire rise again as I feel I am in a huge transitional state. I have been in this limbo before, but I have been less effected by it previously. I feel frustrated and misguided. I am weighted down and restrained to the earth. I feel like I should be flying instead of crawling like granite.

Although this may sound dramatic… this hand may be overly played… I am preparing to go to bed and start a new day tomorrow.

1. Leaving the Air Force in 1989

2. Breaking up with Ron Herrera when / how I did.

3. Hurting John Bumanlag’s feelings.

4. Hurting Bill Torres feelings … I loved them.

5. Killing a rabbit when I was a kid (I was 10).

And there are some far less significant things it is impossible to put into words. They have to do with some of the sexual adventures I went on through life… not of them brought me happiness.

Anyway… til next time.

Looks like I might stay with the Venetian for a little while. I was thinking I might not stay past my probation period, but I decided to stay still for a little while and try and save some money. I am wondering what the next step is????

Anyway, I was sure I would just up and move in March, but I have too many other things to consider. Adolfo being the most important feature, Tom, and the many freinds we’re making here. e-gads!

Anway, I saw HellBoy today! It was pretty good. There are some serious Old Testament brushes in it… some of them not so obvious. I picked up a few interesting bits including something about my favorite angel: Uriel (the name of the web site, duh!). Another angel name is thrown around… Suriel; the angel of death. Interesting….

smooches

In one week Terry will be here from California to celebrate his birthday!!!!! Yipee!!! We plan on going sky diving and plummet to our mutual deaths while loved ones watch on…. is that sick or what?

Terry is a sweet guy (he is reading this too) and I look forward to seeing him. His wife and step-son are so sweet I am excited they are returning.

It is not like we can find the time to go anywahere is it???? So we have to count on people coming to see us!?!?!?!

Other news… well, my job search outside of Las Vegas is falling flat. I have many goals and maybe they are too scattered? I have this new AS degree and it is meaningless unless I have a place or desire to apply it.

1. I want my own restaurant where I can develop the business and manage the growth.

2. I want a successful career path even if it means I have to leave Culinary and go back to IT! I will always work in Culinary at least part time.

I have 2 great business plans and started on a third one last week. Hmm….. oh well….

Allan, Terry, or Gary never answered my posting from yesterday… what happen guys? Did you get bored waiting for me to make an update on this thing?

Anyway, as you might notice I added a Webcam link. It does not fully update as of yet, but I am working on it. We’ll see, huh? I just found this new software and it’s cheap and easy, just as I like them.

I graduated from school last week and I have to say that I am feeling a little relieved. Now I am also looking at a bachelor program that starts on 3/29… but I may need to wait until the next round of classes starts. University of Phoenix???? What do yuo think?

Adolfo gave me a ring this week! It is absolutely lovely and exactly like the one I linked before. My diamond is a lottel smaller than what this pic shows…. I am so thrilled with it.

I am really between a rock and a hard place right now, too. I have been wanting to get out of Vegas. I really do not like it here, but we have been establishing a lot of roots in town and the idea of moving on is getting harder. I want to find new work in Information technology while working in cooking part time until I can open a restaurant.

I guess the problem is that I am not working in any one direction and feel pretty scattered. My goals are looking kinda vague right now, too. None of that is any good.

I want to open my own restaurant. With that, start building a little empire of my own.

I want to continue my degree and jump from Culinary Management to Information Technology. If I have to work for someone else then I want to make some decent money.

So, I keep looking for signs of a new direction and am hearing nothing. Gary??? Where are my insights (my spiritual guides)??? Al? Where is my wisdom? Terry??? What should I do?

The problem with acting is that my actions effect Adolfo and Tom and since we are making money right now, feeling reasonably successful, I remain unsatisfied. I am getting to the point where I am so split that my action is becoming in-action.