I am officially middle aged as of this moment in time. It’s come like a bus and whacko! ha ha ha… whacko being the operative word. I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of reflecting over the last year-plus and now come to see some things better than before. I think a conversation I had last night made some difference.

With all the bitching and kvetching over freinds this year I am ending it realizing I have more than I thought. Maybe not the kind I can count on for anything but there are some very valuable people around me. I find myself quick to weed out the undesirable ones too.

Odly, too, life in Vegas has been very tolerable and seems to be getting better though I still of dreaming of living somewhere else. BUT the summer time by the pool here is amazing and winter is not all that bad; good enough to be fashionable. Which means I can dress in layers and feel like I am making some kind of fashion attempt. yey me.

So I am planning my next year since September when it officially began. For financial goals, weight goals, achievement goals, and some life goals. 2009 was a year of painful transition… lets see if this caterpillar can turn back into a butterfly.

So I have had a lot of ups and down emotionally lately and I am attributing it to the season. The holidays are tough on a person whether they actively know it or passively are not paying attention. None the less, I am dealing with it a day at a time and trying not to fall into any holes. I have a trigger happy doctor who loves writing prescriptions, not that I complain, but I am being careful about which way the rutter is pointing as I float down this stream.

Another Christmas and Holiday season alone. A birthday I will not be acknowledging. A mid life crisis still in the white-water of. This is how my 2009 is ending. 50+ pounds over weight and the prospects of an amazing year to come. It’s gets me up in the morning.

I’ve been looking for my anchor – suppose it just has to be me. No bf’s – no groups of people… the Burners have been a great pillow for the last year – soft, cozy and welcoming – but I still have to learn to walk on my own. Still not used to it.

A little bit of heaven arrived in the mail box today. A card from Burning Man reminding me when tickets go on sale. Did you know I have a countdown on my computer I see everyday for when ticket sales start AND when the gates open. I do.

So, I cannot say a lot has gone right lately and my personal sense of self seems to be going a little haywire. Something is misfiring, I keep feeling like the earth is going to cave in under my feet.

I am still working and am still doing my best. I hate feeling like I am lost, but this is a learning experience. I face my chellenges and usually come out on top.

Okay, so that is looking on the bright side. But I still can’t shake this feeling. They hired another designer at work today, too, and she is working at the other office so I do not know what she is doing for the company??? Why another designer???

Ugh. I also met a guy I like this weekend. He is 42 and Mexican… yeah baby. He is very sweet too… I hope to get to know him better.

Tickets for Burning man are going on sale soon. I want to buy 2 tickets. I still have this delusion I can share the experience with someone awesome. I guess time will tell.

I have been holding off making any entries because it seems like a lot of the feedback I get from some people is that I am whining a lot. I’ve been called a whiner from a few people who say … oh, poor baby… or whatever. My mom flat out called me a whiner… she said stop whining. I think she even made such a comment on a previous entry.

This is my blog and it’s not even really about the reality of the world. It is the Alice in Wonderland that is going on in my head. UNFORTUNATELY I have to edit a lot anyway… because this is still too public for some of the things I want to talk about. There are deeper issues going on with me and to write them out here is – not good.

Well, that is the perception anyway. SO much has changed with me over the last year plus and it’s not all about Burning Man. Burning Man was just a doorway into some new self exploration. I found some things inside of that, but in the end it all goes back to the same things – maybe a little more darker.

Basically, right now I feel so incredibly alone in this world that I just want to leave it. There are days I pray to God that a meteor will fall out of the sky and take me out. Or a truck will swerve on the road and wipe me right off a sidewalk. Yeah, that sorta thing goes in in my head a lot these days.

A few years back I went through a similar self destructive behavior. I have SOOOO many self doubts and it is compounded by the absolute lack of relationships I have. I can now trace a lot of this top my upbringing.

So, I get along well with single independent older women: I think this is because I have had such a good relationship with my mom over my lifetime. I made mistakes there that I still regret and hold on to.

I still having problem relating to women on a friendly level; my psychologist seems to relate this directly to my relationship with my sister growing up. We were at war since the day she was born. I wish I could say the relationship with my step-sisters made up for all that but it hasn’t.

And finally, men. My dad is an asshole and I am so much like him at times I hate it. My mom was sorta forced to agree with that when we talked, but I am actively trying not to be that. THUS… my problems developing relationships on an intimate level at all.

Good friggin grief I have been screwed over so much by people that it is so hard to open up to almost anyone.

No wonder I am so desperate to latch on to anyone these days.

Well, today at work I designed another new site for the company and I think it looks good. We’ll see tomorrow if I still feel that way. I think it delivered the message.

So, John (Mexican John) picked me up from work and I found myself feeling very chatty tonight. He is like my only – like – wing-man. I mean I do not have anyone else like that. The next closest people (guys) to me are all with boyfriends. Most guys I know are into chicks and then it just trickles out from there.

So I joked with John he is the best non-boyfriend ever. We hang well together, when out people think we’re together, I cook for him, we have little arguments… if we were ever having sex in the same room it would be official. HA HA HA HA!!!

Then I came home, planning on making dinner for John and I after work. There is a used condom on the kitchen counter and my roommate in the shower. I was so off the chain and tangled up in my own panties… oh my. The idiot took a while to pick it up… so enough to say is he decided he is moving out at the end of the month. Ugh… friggin pain in the ass.

SO! For dinner we had my pasilla pepper risotto and fillet Mignon ala Walmart. I so wanted beef and they had this cheap portioned fillets. Yummers. Oh it was perfect. Just a little sizzle.

John hung out a while. He’s a dick once in a while, but he is my best bud.

Oh – and last night I put up my x-mas tree. Decided to face the holidays this year… even if it means alone. I’m good, thanks for askin’! Yeah, just a little nuts.

Last weekends campout was pretty cool. We had a great time and this is me just after waking up Saturday morning braving the cold in my kilt which soon turned into wearing jeans. Yeah… too cold out there.

I did meet some cool people I really liked. Now only a small percent were actually Burners, but the ones that were there really counted. I got to flirt and dance and eat and dance and flirt. And that was good.

I went with this crazy woman… BATT who is Hasher/Burner and just the coolest chick! She gets pooped out too early though… no guts no glory woman! ha ha ha ha

As great as last weekend was this weekend was a face plant. Ugh… I got my head wrapped around some plans on Friday so fiercely that the consideration to say fuckit when it started going sour was set aside. I really should have just gone home after work, but I didn’t.

I went to First Friday and walked that dog for a bit. Did not see a single person I even remotely knew. It was barren too and some shit local band was playing on the main stage – sad it was.

Now I am not being a negative-nancy. Just a bad night. I really wanted to go out last night, but could not get a person with their own means to go with me. Sure, this twink was wanting to go but I had to go pick his ass up and pay for his way in… uh, not. He was chatting me up on Adam4Adam… is it this age when we all think everyone is their mother?

Me – I am not sure how this evening will tapout. I bought a small steak for dinner and am going to make my Pasilla Pepper Risotto (See here).I got a nice focaccia bread and a tiny bit of one of my favorite deserts. Tomorrow back to work.

Friday, a website of mine was released. I am so excited. The CEO came up to me and said, ‘we’re going to push that out before the end of the day’. I was like … wow! See it here where I show the before and after of the same project. I have 2 more coming soon. I even asked my boss and the CEO if I could blog about the stuff I did… yeah.

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This one Astrology that I check in with combines my sun sign Capricorn with my Chinese sigh Dragon and in the reading below it is as if they know me well. Not to mention the “loss”, well since my car just went back to the bank I am hoping that is all it meant. Jinkies!!!

You’ve made it through 2009 without undue misery, Capricorn. None the less finances have been tight, your love life has been about as stable as the Argentine economy, and your family life has reared its niggly little head more than once. But you have made strides. And that’s what is important. In December, you may suffer a loss. It appears material. A car gives up the ghost? A lover defects? A parent suddenly divorces and gets remarried right under your nose? Don’t take it too hard. Wait it out. Work on your art and continue to develop your skills. December will also give you time to scour the nooks and crannies of both house and head so that you can start the New Year with a clean slate. Get rid of old junk around the house. Strive for minimalism. Organize your office. Do you have an outdated system of keeping information straight? I recommend going paperless. Pay your bills online and start an electronic database for storing any necessary information. Paper files are so 1999. Get with the times, Capricorn. You will save loads of energy and time if you accept the conveniences of modernity. You can retain some of your more charming conservative qualities like insisting on sending snail mail and choosing the perfect postage stamps for the recipients. But strive for more office efficiency. Enjoy the holidays. But watch your tendency to squander money. 2010 will improve your life immeasurably. But you will need some cash to get it started on the right footing.

So, interesting. Although it describes me as being somewhatbehind in tech – not. I got it going on technically, ha ha ha ha.