So, though I have been out of work for much of the last year, I keep trying to find my niche. It keeps avoiding me. Having said that, I was feeling like life was turning into a skid last month. Especially with Gio in my life, I felt like the car that was in the skid suddenly was pulling a small trailer along with it… ugh.
The representation of my success and security is something I never defined. The trap door in the floor for me is money, straight out, that being the one thing that stresses me out more than anything. Money has been the knuse that has been my Sword of Damocles my whole life.
What is it that money does for us when we spend more than we have so easily? Credit, cash from parents, borrowing here or there… it is all one more inch in the rope strung around my own neck.
As a kid, my dad gave me money to shut me up or make his own troubled personality feel better over saying or doing anything positive. His bandage was money. Meanwhile, I saw my mom always struggling to sew pennies together and like me get over hear head once in a while. But God Bless the woman, she is a survivor and finally got retirement.
I am drowning. I think this month I may have finally sunk below the surface and keep looking for the light at the surface. It’s been the weirdest struggle this year.
So, that car skidding into the curve, well a tire just blew and there is smoke coming out from under the hood. I look out the drivers side door and see the wall getting closer. Do I crush into it? Do I bounce off and slide forward picking up momentum?
– mom and step-dad rescued me on a small loan and I have barely paid any of it back after 2.5 years
– the car I absolutely loved was repossessed and Honda is coming at me for the balance
– Capital One is suiting me over 2k$
– my current bills are about equal to or more than any money I have coming in
– my unemployment could end at any time; there is no count down on what is left
What am I going to do? I have to take some form of action this week.
Look out that window! The wall is made out of white washed cement and has a lot of little dimples in it. There is a big dark-gray smudge where someone else visited it recently. Just past it are a lot of people having pink papers at me and shouting.
Ugh
(If you have not figured it out, but my brain works in metaphores and pictures)

The new event I was part of the production team for has been postponed for some important reasons, understandable given the circumstances related to the venue. We hope to have our Decompression event there.

With the warming weather things are really ramping up, getting ready for Burning Man 2010. I see people making huge efforts in their plans and very little support from the community. “Ambivalence” is the key word… or is it financial depression? Could it be people getting tired of too much and too many changes?

Alas, my own anticipation of larger BM related events is quietly tempered because I have experienced it once now and want to make this segment of my journey something else. I want to feel something more about this Burn especially given it is such an important year.

I turned in an application for a Art statement to be placed on the playa. Details will be posted on this site in the next couple of days. I am pending the call for the interview… anxiously waiting!

I also plan on bring other pieces for Center Camp and share in that forum. So excited! …but with temperance. You simply cannot go into Burning Man with expectations.

So, I started dating someone in the beginning of January. As a matter of fact, I met him officially on my birthday. I was lucky to meet someone not steeped in green (jaded) that seems to permeate Las Vegas.

He came with a lot of issues NOT the least of which is unemployment and a problem with the English language. He comes from Guatemala and came here for reasons I have yet to understand. Our dating has been a struggle and with all these issues over both our heads I finally had to tell him I am not in a space for dating right now.

Makes sense I think. Besides, my heart is not really open for relationships right now. I need friends – real friends – more than anything.

Well, of course the universe was not done with me and he. The meat-heads he was living with tossed him out and he had no place to go, so guess where he has been staying the last couple weeks. For the most part, it’s been hard. His contributions to the household have been cursory at best. More so weighing on my own energy and need to feel motivated.

He is leaving on Monday. He is going to Long Beach with other friends from his homeland.

Although he is a sweet guy, I find myself frustrated with issues that I have very little patience for. Not listening, doing half the work, not paying attention to details. When I get frustrated the reasons are like talking to a stone.

I need more patience. I need more faith in people. Seriously, please pray for me.

Hi all.. as usual I am apologizing for not writing much recently. Seems that my outlets have been better served on Facebook or Twitter. Small blocks of text should make the world a lot happier.

My general dissatisfaction with life and disappointment in people has been snowballing more and more. Hating being unemployed. Hating being broke at every turn. Sinking slowly financially with no where to turn. Still not drowning.

Trying to clear out baggage of life. Trying to clear out energy vampires and stone walls surrounding me. Feeling that my feet are 6″ deep in cement.

On the other hand, tried managing groups of people recently and have seen every circumstance fall to pieces. Trying to get Vegas people together is a challenge. It has even been a challenge with my Burner peeps. Ambivalence is the word of the day in this town. Maybe other people are feeling stuck in the sand like me, too?

Okay, so vented a bit and let off a few things in my tiny brain. I vent… I vomit stuff into this blog… nothing should be taken too seriously.

It’s coming. Yes, the Burnal Equinox has passed and eyes are looking forward to August 30th when the pearly gates open. Yes, Black Rock City calls us home.

Today I completed the first phase of my art application for the sculpture I want to bring to the playa. Some interactivity with it. I am excited on a whole new level.

Now I ask myself …am I ready. I now have a sewing machine and will be starting sewing lessons with Malicious in a couple weeks. It is coming…

I am so excited.

I just read through my site a little and made a few minor changes, but what I am taken by is how crappy I phrase a lot of things. I need an editor!!! ha ha ha

Ugh, time for me to go home.

Hugs

I want to have a positive outlook, but it is so hard. I see my weight sky rocketing and I see myself as becoming less and less significant in the world. My skills and my outlook in this industry are just not enough – especially as quickly as it is evolving.

Problems at the office last week make me feel like abandining it. I talked to a former instructor of mine recently, telling him I am starting to hate web design. When he told me almost every day he hates it, but still maintains his passion, I figure there has got to be hope in some dimension.

While about my weight… I so want to get to a certain point and I cannopt get my head into that space to start losing it. I have the knowledge. I have the feelings. I cannot muster the means.

This weekend was a good break. But did I pay to get there. Paid emotionally and with stress because of an opressive authority in this area who really knocked me down. It’s so frustrating.

Long story… I will post it into the Burning Man blog later tonight with some pictures, because I launched Winterfest for the Burners this weekend and it went heavenly.

ttyl

How do you spend a weekend working on something, building something, and then find yourself sitting along on a Monday realizing nothing feels right. How does the world turn on it’s ear so quickly?

I have not been posting much here because a lot of the things I need to talk about are things I can’t put into the public domain, as far as my mind is concerned, just have some discretion. Yet, that is not really what this kind of thing is all about.

I feel so completely insecure about where I am in the world that there are moments it is overwhelming. I take meds for anxiety and other stuff for stress and more and I can’t help but think that are they worth it. I stopped for a short while on one of them and found myself struggling a lot.

Reflecting on it altogether, I find myself struggling on them as well. Just before work I sat down on my couch and realized the world felt like the walls were very close and getting closer. That complete and absolute failure loomed over my head. That no matter how much I want some things in life I am not worthy of any of it.

This is what is on my mind.

There are times when I feel like I am living life in a vacuum. It’s more than 2 steps forward and 3 steps back… it is a suction from behind. Today I feel like that.

So here I am on New Years and boy what an great night it was… took a couple days to receover. It was also great seeing ALL the people I got to see. I must have had hundreds of kisses and hugs through the night. Yey for me.

But last week was also my birthday, as mentioned before. Most pics are on my facebook. The link for that is on the contact page.

Tif took pictures. Thank goodness, because I would forget my head if it were not attached. As you can see, turn-out for the birthday was most amazing. So leaving 2009 behind was an absolute pleasure. Screw you 2009… howdy 2010…