I asked Allan that question this morning and he answered me…yes. Then he went into this whole montage of “…in an idyllic world… blah blah blah”

The fact of the matter is that I am just stale. I am like … I cannot even find a metaphore to fillin this space because I am so… ya know. I get mad at some people that are like THAT and I know I am just getting mad at myself. It is so pathetic….

I know what I want and there is a way to get what I want, but when I get there am I gunna get what I want out of it? Am I going to question myself so much that I sit here in a floundering mess second guessing myself into a frenzy.

Therefore I am getting no where.

You’ve seen www.halonet.net???? I have a great buisness plan that I recently finished that covers my new restaurant. I also have plans for making myself into a business model of my own. I can rival M to a degree… but I got to get there. I feel like I need help! I wonder if I am trying to jump from Step A to Step N to get to Step Z.

What a mess, huh? What a frenzied mess I have become.

I am getting ready for bed slowly, but Shirley (don’t call me Shirley). Anyway, I have been working on this new site for a couple nights now… trying to get it in my head how it was going to work. The first idea was going to have a tree running up the center and each side would have infromation appearing on wither side. One side was going to be animated… but I was not getting the concept together.

I was sitting at my desk in frustration and took a couple pics of myself and thus you got what you got. <---- right over there is the pic I took two nights ago. It's not perfect... but I have time to fiddle with it. I hope to hear back from people! Love! Scott

I bought another domain for myself. Well, Blue Angel Cafe was supposed to be my domain, but it blossomed into something else. It blossomed into a pretty cool project, one which I am excited about… but need to really do something about as well.

Mynew domain will be www.BookOfUriel.com and though many people don’t get the subtext… or maybe you do and just think I am sorta fucked in the head… will get to enjoy an all new scheme. I cannot manage to get it all together yet, but it is coming.

I let someone get under my skin about HOW I should present my web sites… and since then it has been knawing at me. Mind you, I respect this person a lot, but I let it really get to me. I make web sites like these and manage them because I like doing it. I like creating cohesive elements I can share on the web. It is a way for me to express myself… but I have been relaying on old tech for a while.

I use a WYSIWIG and I use Swish … I cheat. I ty and create something fun and descriptive from myself and though a trickle of people come to see me… I try to please. Argh!!!! Argh that I want to do more and create good stuff… creat thought provoking details and ideas and that I get virtually no feedback. AND what I do I get is usually not glittering. Argh that I take it too personally and feel obligated to make ot bigger.

But I do. It’s not his fault. It’s all me… when “Book of Uriel” comes into light it will finally have many of the things I want to say. MEEEEEEEE!!!!

In the final minutes of my birthday I am slowly winding down… but since I just started my workshift… I cannot afford to wind down too far! I’m tired. Earlied through mostof the day I was feeling quite depressed. But a few little things of note happened that made me look up and realize the world continues without me.

I was contacted on-line by an old work collegue for whom I used to enjoy working with! He was being a dork by IM’ing me and not telling me who he was at first, though.. weeniehead. But it was a joy to hear from Mark A again. Although, in my alzheimers infused brain I kept thinking his name was dave…. dur!

He updated me on a few people from the olden days of HostPro where we used to work. I really enjoyed that job and had it better than I deserved. A lot of us working there started before the company went crazy with expansion and … of course… sold. I hate to say I was a little under-qualified for the job, but I think I did okay.

He also told me about a couple people who are dead now, one of whom I am a little sad to hear about. Frank (www.frankrodarte.com) was aparently killed in a drive-by shooting. He was a good man. He had an awsome talent for web design.

Oh yeah, the company was a web-hosting company. I was the technical trainer for the company and I was laid off in 2001 at the end of August. Great timing, huh?

Mark was this goth, no-nonsense guy who was someone who was generally honest and upfront with people which is a quality I like in some people. He could tell you to fuck-off or tell you that you were a dumb ass and a person could not really be offended because he was generally right.

Anyway, it reminded me a lot of the people I used to work with and enjoy. It also made me feel good that he occasionally reads my tired ass blogs that I thought no-one but Allan and Gary were reading.

Annnnnnnnnnway……. today was my birthday. As I mentioned before I was feeling veruy depressed. It is my 29th (aka 41st) birthday and it means I am swimming into the latter years of my llife… god, how depressing. I was thinking about my realtionship. Friends. Where I am in life. What I want to do. Blah blah blah….

My life sorta sucks right now because I am very unhappy. It’s not an unhappy like I really plan on blowing my brains out or anything, but sometimes it sounds like a good idea. I know there are people who have cancer, people who are starving, people who are being killed, and people with bad hair… all of which are far more owrse off than I… but dammit this is about me.

I fantasize over and over about winning enough money to just pay off my fucking bills. Pay off the gov’t, pay off my student loans, blah blah blah… those being the priority.

My birthday was pretty good over all. A few people came out to help me celebrate and I was blown off by a lot more. Adolfo told me about some of the people he invited, but a couple of the dearest ones showed up… pics coming to the picture book soon!

I got a santuko knife from Adolfo! I got 50$ from Ken and Brian for Circuit City. I got to squeeze Julia’s boyfriend Marvin…. that was nice.

I am worried about Sam. He worries me a lot. In fact the last few years he has been going topsy turvey through life. He is one of the most intellegent people I know, but has managed to get himself into a pickle of a “space” in life. He told me today… “I am ready to die”.

Now, this does not surprise me. I does stun me a little, because he has been talking like someone who is just giving up. Not yet 30 years old. Extremely attractive. One broken sucky relationship long past and destroyed. One incredibly self-distructive relationship later after that. There is the young pumpkin named David whom he adores WHOM he could have a good life with but there are more issues preventing him from continueing.

Sam has a heart condition which seems to limit his energy and occasionallyhis common sense (take your pills!). He is also a bit of a drug addict; how far that goes I do not know. There are a couple other slightly less PC issues but I won’t get into that.

He has also done somethings in life I find quite admirable. Sam converted to Judism and was an active participant in that community for a long while. He has recently taken up Kaballic Astrology.

See the conversation now: AIM Text:

(note: some content has been edited of a personal nature)
————————————————
Start of LBjoyboy buffer: Fri Dec 16 02:30:22 2005
[00:44] LBjoyboy: hey you : )
[00:45] Tuiel: hey sexy
[00:46] Tuiel: this is late….
[00:46] Tuiel: this is late for you?
[00:58] LBjoyboy: well i just want to liked for my BRAIN
[00:58] LBjoyboy: 😉
[00:58] Tuiel: i like all of you… how about them apples?
[00:59] Tuiel: top to toe
[00:59] LBjoyboy: apple pie 🙂 warm apple pie 🙂
[01:00] LBjoyboy: so yeah, ive been working hard on my book
[01:09] Tuiel: so, where is my astro chart????
[01:09] LBjoyboy: omg i have it here somwhere i swear
[01:10] Tuiel: uh…..huh…… bring it over
[01:11] LBjoyboy: since ive been writing this book i have been feverishly writing and collecting research material. im loaded down with literally hundreds of pages of notes on this damn drive. which reminds me i need to back up this week.
[01:14] LBjoyboy: but the link i sent you shows some of what im doing, some good stuff. now i can finially prove to assholes like me that I KNOW EVERYTHING I AM ENLIGHTENED
[01:14] Tuiel: i already know that!
[01:14] LBjoyboy: its not as exciting as it sounds, enlightenment but i recommend it for the education 😉
[01:14] Tuiel: enlightenment?
[01:14] Tuiel: hmmmm
[01:18] LBjoyboy: but yeah i figured i needed to write a book, have to do something with my studies on Kabbalistic astrology other than just scare the shit out of people with it
[01:18] Tuiel: yeah? is mine scary?
[01:18] LBjoyboy: umm. i wouldnt say scarrrryyyy
[01:19] Tuiel: oh my
[01:19] LBjoyboy: its like this, you move around a lot
[01:20] Tuiel: not news
[01:20] LBjoyboy: that means that your fortune changes a lot baby
[01:20] Tuiel: yes, that is true
[01:22] LBjoyboy: you see the Talmud tells us to change ones mazal, their fortune, the should move or change their name. in abrahams case he did both…and he was the first jew so he must know something on the subject (especially considering the Greeks, Indians and Romans all claimed he was one of the earliest if not first great astrologer)
[01:22] LBjoyboy: you were born close to here…
[01:23] Tuiel: yes
[01:24] LBjoyboy: i therefore take van nuys and the time of birth and read from that to understand who G-d gave to the world. however, when i look at the passing planets for now and current events i wouldnt read from the sky of van nuys i would do it for LV,
[01:27] LBjoyboy: and since you live there I would redraw your chart, using the same birth time but from location of LV. this doesnt change alot on your birth personality chart when using LV but Boston or China for that matter would reflect very differently. its because your rythem is now responding to the sounds of the universe from some other chair in the audiance and it might not sound so good from there
[01:27] LBjoyboy: ya see?
[01:28] Tuiel: uhm… pretty much.
[01:28] LBjoyboy: LV seems to be limiting for any good chance at startups or homebased business
[01:28] Tuiel: intersting
[01:28] Tuiel: i have 2 home based businesses here now… neither is really strong
[01:32] LBjoyboy: do you have siblings?!
[01:32] Tuiel: 1 biological sister
[01:32] Tuiel: 3 step sisters
[01:32] Tuiel: 4 step brothers
[01:33] LBjoyboy: interesting.. yeah i see some siblings with Sun in third house…. never made mention i dont think ,but this would signify that they mean quite a bit to you
[01:34] Tuiel: true
[01:34] LBjoyboy: sorry, just caught me off guard. your a bitch so i would have assumed an only child haha
[01:35] Tuiel: yeah, you would know
[01:35] Tuiel: takes one to know one, mary
[01:35] Tuiel: ha ha ha
[01:35] LBjoyboy: this also means sun in 3rd that you are curious… but like to communicate your learning equally
[01:35] Tuiel: uh huh…?
[01:35] LBjoyboy: you love to research and investigate things especially
[01:35] Tuiel: i can see that
[01:36] LBjoyboy: yup, curiousity or nosey, call it what you man… like A1, its in there.
[01:37] LBjoyboy: sun is in capricorn
[01:37] Tuiel: tht’s me
[01:37] LBjoyboy: your mr practiciality
[01:38] LBjoyboy: thats because your farsighted in planning and tend to move towards being the great provider
[01:38] LBjoyboy: you have clear vision so therefore you are happy when in control
[01:39] Tuiel: seehow I am… I would say these sound accurate
[01:39] LBjoyboy: but sun is sextile saturn, you tend to pile up tasks and responsibilities. it takes a lot for you to become overloaded
[01:40] Tuiel: interesting
[01:40] LBjoyboy: it just makes your personality gritty, and you probably tend to be the office snob that actually works well with authorities
[01:41] Tuiel: is this astrology or expereince talking?
[01:42] LBjoyboy: this is what your chart tells me. i dont write it im just the diva that sings this sad sad song 🙂
[01:42] LBjoyboy: omg Scorpio MOON. your a cheater!!!!
[01:42] Tuiel: bitch
[01:42] Tuiel: moi????
[01:43] LBjoyboy: cheat cheater pumpkin eater. neptune and pluto aspecting your moon. omg i cant believe it, your a mindfucker 🙂
[01:43] Tuiel: oh my hell….
[01:44] LBjoyboy: do you really sit there and secretively study and examine the psychology of people
[01:45] Tuiel: oh yeah!
[01:45] Tuiel: all the time
[01:45] Tuiel: i took all my psych undergrad
[01:45] LBjoyboy: what is it that your really doing with yourself. your chart is squealing on you
[01:45] LBjoyboy: haha
[01:45] Tuiel: it’s all true so far
[01:45] LBjoyboy: ill be damned
[01:46] Tuiel: will you?
[01:46] LBjoyboy: most likely
[01:46] Tuiel: does this make you think differently about me?
[01:46] LBjoyboy: queen of the damned
[01:46] LBjoyboy: anne rice
[01:46] Tuiel: yes yes yes
[01:46] Tuiel: read it twice….
[01:46] Tuiel: anyway…
[01:47] LBjoyboy: yeah, but i fuck a lot of scorpio types. i like the fun of their nasty kinky nature and watch them pretend they were an innocent bystandard and do it all over again during the next lunch break
[01:49] Tuiel: yes, I’ve been down that road with you once or twice
[01:49] Tuiel: i like that road.. 🙂
[01:49] LBjoyboy: im not turned off by it, yeah i think differently of you… but ive alway had more fun with the whores than temple virgins in at delphi 🙂
[01:51] Tuiel: ha ha ha
[01:51] Tuiel: well… you know how I always felt about you.
[01:51] Tuiel: in spite of my… weaknesses
[01:52] LBjoyboy: i called myself molly homemaker… bitch you have moon sextile mars in virgo, you
pour your energy into people around you, but you want them around you and this is because you need them close as you beautify your home and surroundings
[01:53] LBjoyboy: somehow this makes you both feel more inspired, from your minds eye. ahhh… you like to be the coach and inspire younger people
[01:53] Tuiel: okay, now your hitting on things that are true, but eerily accurate
[01:53] Tuiel: interesting….
[01:53] LBjoyboy: i dunno, i might disagree with your chart. when i was just a child you fucked me more than inspired me 🙂
[01:53] Tuiel: very interesting
[01:54] Tuiel: ha ha ha… it wasn’t inspirational?
[01:54] LBjoyboy: i dunno, people say OMG a lot as they fuck my tight ass, go figure
[01:54] Tuiel: it was a holy expereince for me
[01:55] Tuiel: we are degenerating here
[01:56] LBjoyboy: moon oppsite jupiter; its probably very hard for you to get help and support for matters of career and vocation decissions
[01:56] Tuiel: oh how true
[01:56] LBjoyboy: this is because you tend to go against the flow and seldom follow whats popular
[01:56] Tuiel: this is very interesting
[01:57] LBjoyboy: so you perfer to go at it alone
[01:57] Tuiel: true
[01:58] LBjoyboy: when surroundings and home suffer because of career choices however, you do have a strong ability to brush of gooey sentiment, your or otherwise, and stick to your task
[01:59] Tuiel: true again
[02:00] Tuiel: now you know too mcuh
[02:01] LBjoyboy: moon sextile uranus though tells me you would do best marketing something related to the enviroment youve built around you
[02:02] LBjoyboy: when you have brilliant insight it tends to be about your support system and environment
[02:02] LBjoyboy: you are always finding new ways of making a living (duh, even i know that hehe)
[02:03] LBjoyboy: you probably tend to have unique ideas about the past, history and younger people. you like the unusual and different and like surrounding yourself with the like.
[02:04] Tuiel: cool
[02:04] LBjoyboy: its okay, your mother was eccentric with your upbringing so thats where you get it from 🙂
[02:05] LBjoyboy: moon sex pluto… ah mr counsellor
[02:05] Tuiel: yes, very true
[02:05] Tuiel: huh???
[02:05] LBjoyboy: thats your mission
[02:05] Tuiel: to be a sex counselor????
[02:06] LBjoyboy: people tend to feel you are fearless when going into deep emotional stuff so they trust you with theirs
[02:06] Tuiel: this is the oddest one yet… this one seems ot be off base a bit????
[02:06] LBjoyboy: lol. dirty dog
[02:07] Tuiel: what now?
[02:07] LBjoyboy: i said people, not your own love life i stress
[02:07] Tuiel: hmmm……
[02:07] Tuiel: oky!
[02:08] LBjoyboy: your firery; loyal but. umm… can i say intensly possisive at times
[02:08] LBjoyboy: feelings of attachment = hot times though
[02:09] LBjoyboy: moon is in 1st house, your good for public image… your best when naturually basted in the limelight
[02:10] Tuiel: yeah baby!
[02:10] LBjoyboy: oh well, mercury in sag
[02:11] Tuiel: what’s that?
[02:12] LBjoyboy: your more interested in the eternal answers than the trival details of matters
[02:13] Tuiel: i can see that
[02:13] LBjoyboy: you like the bare lean truth
[02:13] Tuiel: again, true
[02:14] LBjoyboy: mind tends to wander and likewise LOVVEEEE to travel . who’da thunk it? 🙂 [02:14] Tuiel: he he he
[02:15] LBjoyboy: mercury is in second house, your practical and conservative in business, good mind for buss.
[02:15] Tuiel: yes
[02:16] LBjoyboy: okay… im not touching this one… you better take an automated answer to shis one buddy…
[02:17] LBjoyboy: getting personal with you is a real mistake, for it always manages to plunge you into turmoil. You resent probing on the part of others, yet are fascinated by behind-the-scenes and so-called “secret” information. You may prefer not to think about anything below the surface, but even this is not a constant, and this inner conflict produces more than its share of tension.
[02:17] Tuiel: i like that
[02:17] LBjoyboy: interesting
[02:17] Tuiel: i don’t know about the plunge into turmoil part though
[02:18] Tuiel: there is a turmoil… maybe I can relate. Like with you for example….
[02:19] Tuiel: i feel very close to you, much closer than you are to me… i think. I want to care and protect you very much as a close close close freind, but I am not allowed to…. does that make sense or sound a little psycho?
[02:19] LBjoyboy: yeah, thats a complicated one. im a sagiattrius i try to becareful about sag statements that i make cuz we are too damn opinionated
[02:19] Tuiel: if i could i would have you in my life much more
[02:20] Tuiel: ha ha ha
[02:20] LBjoyboy: i know sweeties. i see that
[02:20] Tuiel: yeah, well. ‘nuf said i gues….
[02:20] Tuiel: about that anyway.. tell me more
[02:20] LBjoyboy: but as dionne warwick knows “young hearts run free” 🙂
[02:21] Tuiel: how does that apply to you?
[02:21] Tuiel: meow!
[02:21] LBjoyboy: but dont call her psychic network, you cant have someone telling you the plan of the universe when she doesnt even know the way to san jose
[02:21] Tuiel: ha ha ha!!
[02:22] LBjoyboy: your a saint, honestly. youve give far too much of yourself (but thats just me speaking, im not staring at Uranus or anything
[02:23] Tuiel: ha hah a
[02:23] LBjoyboy: oh… automation time… Mercury Square Mars – you have a hair-trigger temper and it takes little to set it off. Your sharp tongue is well-known and you use it before you have time to think, resulting in little mental and verbal explosions that you regret later. The sad part is that half the time you don’t even mean what you may have said in anger. What is clear to those around you is that you communicate as much with your feelings as with your words. People learn to look at what you do, rather than what you say. Your mind is very, very sharp. The less said the better.
[02:23] Tuiel: my feelings have never been anything but what they are, my dear. it’s hard to explain….
[02:25] Tuiel: did i scare you off?
[02:25] LBjoyboy: no, not at all
[02:25] Tuiel: my goodness, you have known me so long.
[02:26] LBjoyboy: i know, i almost look fully pubescent now
[02:26] LBjoyboy: 🙂
[02:27] Tuiel: oh please sally sue….
[02:28] Tuiel: i dunno… i don’t know how much you can read into me other than this. but it is so interesting how much insite you got into the real me from this astrological reading.
[02:28] LBjoyboy: humm… i dont know about this one… but this is what it says….
[02:28] Tuiel: the good, bad, and fugly
[02:29] LBjoyboy: upiter Opposite Neptune – your vocation may be less than ideal and not what you dreamed it could be. Chances are that you have chosen the course you are on now, ignoring other more imaginative solutions. If you have abandoned your dreams, the likelihood is that you did it deliberately and with the eyes open. You may fear being carried away by your imagination, or perhaps you see a more ideal existence as some form of escape. You worry about being deceived or seduced by own your dreams.
[02:30] Tuiel: oh my gosh! this is exactly true!
End of LBjoyboy buffer: Fri Dec 16 02:30:22 2005

Well, another Christmas bites the dust. I worked myself so hard this week I amde myself totally sick and I am having a near death expereince as I type this! I am soooooo conjested. I need sleep! I slept most of the day yesterday… which is today for me… but you get the point.

I got off work Saturday morning at 7, prepped the whole day for the party I was cooking for that night, then then the party wrapped up at 9pm… I left and had to go to my job… add this up and it means I worked for more than 24 hours. This is not including the work I did before that where I also could not sleep.

Ugh! Well, the good news is that they seemed to love the food I made. It may generate clients for me in the future. So we will see…

One dish I made was a German Rouladen! The flavor was amazing! It was just amazing!

I also made my special cranberry sauce that had a port and balsamic vinegar base. Delicious!

I am just happy it came off so nicely. I can really throw down. I should have more jobs!!!! So, through this I am hoping that my career and life will start moving in a good direction! I am thrilled!

I did not get much for Christmas, though. I was a litle bummed. Adolfo did give me a cool sweater … a couple nice shirts… and some other stuff. Mom got me some neat cooking stuff. Sai and Jim and the Kidz gave us a couple beautiful phot albums and a candle holder.

All in all, because of all the things that went on, I have some mixed feelings about Christmas. Rightly so… but it was all things we had to accpet to move on in life right now. We did this for work and for money.

The coolest toys I got were all for myself anyway!

I found this picture which appeares to be Daniel Ratcliffe and I nearly had an anurism. You see, he has a scene in the latest Harry Potter film in which he is sitting naked in a bath and the shape of his face and chest is … amazing. This picture appears authentic… but oh – my – god!

Anyway, back to reality.

I have been relatively awake for most of the last 3 days and am at my limit. I have fallen asleep at my desk about a dozen times tonight. I almost fell asleep driving to work.

I had my client last night for the personal chef gig I had and it went off smoothly and nicely! I could not ask for anything better. I had a girl named Sara from the Ai helping me and she did a fantastic job!

Anyone know where I can get the rest of that picture?

(Shaking head)…. oh, I must have been dreaming. None the less, I get to go home soon and I am glad for it. Wil I get any rest? WIll I simply drop dead? Maybe on both???? I have to stop by the market to get some food to make an early dinner tonight. My mom and step-dad are here in town and they want to meet up with us.

This is a good thing. I am always extremely happy to meet up with any member of my family.

Well, I stil have a couple nights of work ahead of me and a chance to getr sleep tomorrow….. I hope. I need to visit some freinds, call others, and do the happy holiday thingie.

Let me know what you think of that LOVELY picture! xoxoxoxo all over you Daniel. Merry Ho Ho!

The holidays are always a little on the rough side. Emotionally, temperamentally, as well as the abililty to have faith in other people. I once made an entry that kvetched about this city and the way people communicate with each other. How people do not look other people in the eyes. How people are generally rude. I have noticed less of that lately…?

I imagine it is just the holidays. Come January everything will be back to the way it was or…. worse. Sounds like I have little faith in people.

Well, I have more than you know. I have more hope than I have ever shared. I have more insight than I wish. I If only I could make the world run my way we would all be happier. he he he!

I am very busy this week and I am worried about the amount of sleep I will not be getting. My mom is coming to town this weekend and may be having lunch with us… aka an early Christmas dinner. It’s the only time I can muster for us to gather at our place.

I am anxious for Adolfo to open his gifts. I got him a buch of junk he wanted and I am unsure of what he got me. Who knows…. this might be a cool Christmas. I ended up spending more for myself than anything! I bought myself a new laptop and a new mp3 player. Oh, Satallite radio. C’Mon!

Anyway… should be cool. Ciao!

When I feel stressed it affects me in a lot of different directions. I am concerned that I am driving myself nuts lately. This is not too unusual that I do this to myself. But I get more ditzy, sleep less, and fixate on things that I do not need to. It’s all negative.

The thing is, that in the end, I feel good and that I have accomplish a lot … as long as I do not let anything fall through the cracks… as it were. Bills, obligations… etc. Adolfo… Tom… web sites, job, personal businesses, birthdays, anniversaries, etc….

I will be nuts for the rest of the week. I do not know what I will post in my journal… but in less than a week is my 29th birthday (don’t pop my bubble) and I will finally be able to relax.

We are having dinner at Commander’s Palace with friends and that will be enjoyable. I wish people I know from all over could be there. Ian, George, Ken, Keith, Allan, Gary ROSA!, Jeffy-Jeff, Ed the Diva, TVD, Maureen. Brian, too?

You know, that would be the best if all these people came to my funeral. I don’t know why I just thought about this. Imagine if it was my funeral instead of my birthday, I would be so happy to have all these same people there.

That was weird for some people… get over it.

I’m not connecting the dots together so well right now. I’m tired and stressed and thinking about 100 different things.

Hmm… I can go to bed soon.

I am “upside-down” …. I work all night and sleep all day. It’s kinda wierd, but I have lots of energy at the wrong times of the day. Like, right now it is 6am and I have been at work since 11 pm last night. I am going to the gym after work, getting a hair cut, and then heading home for a nibble then … off to bed.

Odly enough, I have been able to get a lot of personal stuff done… the in addition to my new laptop which has also made my world a lot more easier. I can get stuff done at work that I would never have been able to do before.

As a result, there may be some new changes coming about! I am working on making my life a little better….

Cheers!