I got an awesome e-mail today from someone who said they read my journal (Diary) often and I felt so good about it. I am right now going on 21 hours since I last slept and need to be ready to return to work tomorrow night. I might be a little delusional about now. Watched too much porn I think????

Vacation plans coming up soon. A wants to go to Palm Springs or San Diego while I want to go to New York or Orlando. BUT, someone farted around too long getting their vacation days approved (not I) so it is basically too late to buy plane tickets anywhere and I am too broke to think about it too much too.

It looks like it will be the end of the month when that happens.

OMG I can barely keep my eyeballs open. XO all, I think I met my end. Going to bed.

Things have been good with Adolfo and I. Let’s see how long this lasts. We’ve done this before wherein I was ready to bail on the relationship because of his shitty attitude and my self esteeem issues and then like a rubber band everything prings back in the opposite direction.

Somebody called me moody last night while I was at dinner with a group of people and I about passed out. Adolfo was sitting next to me with a huge HUGE shit-eating grin on his mug and we both started laughing. HE KNOWS THAT HE is the moody monster in this house! He knows he is SYBIL! SYBIL! SYBULL! eh, but I love him.

We’re planning on some vacation days soon but BUT I am frustrated because I have not bought tickets to anywhere yet. I wanted us to go to the North East… I’m not certain that will happen. Time is getting short.

I’ve been busy with some other projects and have not put much energy into my personal web site in a while. All the things about me and my creations seem to mean nothing to anyone anymore. I put effort into all this and it seems like nobody cares about my schtuff.

I’m tired and rambling right now so forgive me. xo

Last night we had a few guests over to help us celebrate our 5 years together. Which included the year we spent together in the early ninties. I think it all comes together.

So, I did not get much sleep yesterday. I passed out after breakfast on the couch and probably could have slept through a fire alarm. So, some smart ass aparently took a picture of me.

I was out pretty good, because Adolfo did a lot stuff and ran the dishwasher and nothing moved me for a few hours. I need more sleep before work tonight!

If you saw the pics on the cover then you saw we had a nice taco bar and nibbles. The cake was amazing! I buy it from Freeds Bakery and although it was not exactly what I wanted it was fab! 2/3 of it is still in the fridge!

I was really disapointed so many people were not able to come. Yes, it was a last minute thing, but fucking people can’t do anything last minute in this town. The only people to show up was the 1 other couple you see in the pic. We’ve known them forever though.

We exchanged some gifts. I boughht him one of the new iPods with video. He got me the Superman watch and a watch case we were looking at a couple days ago. Secretly, I was hoping he would buy me this white leather jacket I found.

Oh well… I worked hard. Spent 200$ on food… then ended up wrapping most of it up. Dammit.. but we watched ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and it was really good!

I have to say this is probably surprising after the last diary entry… but since then we have been rebuilding things a little. With him I get very very very frustrated and at some point we finally clear the air. Wierd how he takes me right to the edge and then SNAP were back to goodie goodie.

I was seriously ready to put his shit in the 2nd bedroom and call it quits! Let’s see how long this lasts. And, I think I finally got him a good gift. Finally!

it may not be worth bitching too much about. as usual i am pissed off at adolfo and i am about at the end of my rope with him. i find myself completely tired of his negative attitude toward anything. seriously, a week before our 5 year anniversary… i am ready to call it quits. i am just so completely finished… my heart broke a while back and my feelings have been stretched.

i love him, but i am not ‘in-love’ anymore. it’s hard to accept that idea, but someone asked me that today and i am being forced to think about it or real… my parents will never understand why i feel this way. i know my mom thinks i’m nuts anyway.

i’m just tired of it

I talked to Gary this moening and he asked if I was okay having read my previous blog. I’m usually okay, to be honest, but Adolfo goes up my nose. I am not sure where we are in our relationship, there are a lot of factors, but I have long been bothered that he does not do all the things in life I think he should. He has to take some personal responsibilities; get a car etc… I feel like his taxi driver often.

I’m not sure who is stil reading the diary, but I am have a lot of fun with my mySpace thingy still. I’ll be posting whole new galleries this week so look ofrward to those.

No other news to report. I am a boring bitch. Still waiting to hear from Terry on his visit to LV next month. xo

Life is so up and down… today I am feeling relly down. I get upset about the stupidest things and I let some things effect me to the point of physical and emotions fatigue. These are times when I sart questioning my relationship and my place in the world. I am so over Las Vegas, but I am a slave to the $$ I am making here.

I know I can move on to the world outside LV and make a living and a life. Just, how to get to that point, ya know?

Mom was here again this weekend and between her and Bob it was a panfully bad visit. This is the second visit that went to hell. Last time they were here in mid Feb was to pick up their chairs that they ordered from RC Willey … well they were not in and the whole time they were here they had miserable luck and generally bad expereinces…

This time Bob hit another car while driving with mom and Adolfo in it. They FINALLY got these expensive chairs from RC Willey (who was completely unapologetic) and then on the way home tonight one of the chairs fell out of the car into the freeway and was destroyed. A friggin 700 dollar frickin chair!

I told mom on the phone that she had to laugh or cry and at some point she had to laugh about it. They got home LONG time after they left. Same thing happened last time. They drive a truck that eats gas and that just sucks. She sounded so forlorn when I talked to them in Barstow on the phone.

I finally called her again and 11pm and it was just as they got home. Oh my goodness…

On another note… Adolfo is the moodiest man I have ever known. He is really pissing me off sometimes. I turns me off x10000 when gets bitchey which is 75% of the time. ARGH!!! I got an attitude this morning that still bugs me, he told me he wanted a ride to work. I laughed and dismissed that idea… want a ride to work… GET A FUCKING LISCENCE AND A GOD DAMN CAR YOU PAIN IN THE ASS! You make more money than me, bitch!!!! Fucking A! Get a god damn grip on reality! Oh, can you tell how shit fucking sick I am of this shit!

Have a nice day! xo

I workout pretty regularly at the LVAC on Eastern and 215, thought I used to go to the Karen and Maryland gym. I get good workouts in but if anyone knows me I am always at a serious battle with my weight. I’m a friggin’ chef as well as my job… ya know so food occasionally is a problem.

Anyway!!!! The gym at 215 and Eastern is slowly becoming a friggin’ retirement center for old sagging men in their 80’s walking around naked and … what happen? This gym typically has a lot of the hottest guys you have ever seen? But they are slowly being replaced by chicken skin and shrunken weeners….

LVAC on Karen was so cruisy but the attitude queens started taking over and lately it seems like it is being taken over by some serious wierdos and indigent people!

Could be my funky hours but this gym is driving me a little nuts.

Anyway, I am just venting…

… btw I am looking for a good tanning center. Any recommendations?

Life is so fucking bizarre. There is an ancient belief that the people in our lives are there for a reason. Each of us has something we can learn from the person next to us. If we’re open to those lessons it could mean several things: you become a wiser being, you become a more spitritually elevated person, or you could start getting really confused and fucked up???

I always see lessons on life. It’s the eternal Auger I see myself as… Steven Saylor would know what I meant by that. Augers used to be spiritual leaders in ancient Rome who told the future by seeing signs in nature.

Applying that to myself I see myself and the road ahead reflected in the world around me all the time. Sometimes it just damn depressing. Sometimes it inspires tremendous hope and pride. It is especially joyful when you see so much good in some people that it fills my heart with pure bliss.

Although I have always felt this way, I stopped paying attention for a while and really ended up off track. You will see in a coming section on www.bookofuriel.com where these philosophies are a little more spelled out.

What brings this post into light: See, Adolfo and I have been having some troubles for a long time. Mostly in the area of patience, goals, and intimacy. Without getting too detailed, there are issues and we are both aware of them (‘nough said about that part). So, I have been really thinking about WHERE we are are going in this relationship and seeing it coming to a rather concerning conclusion.

I recently met another couple. We have a lot in common with these guys on a social level, interests, socially, and we click amazingly well from my point of view. There have been absolutely NO sexual inuendos or tensions to deal with… it has been a pure freindship which seems rare; in other words a lot of people I have met here in LV have had hidden agendas.

We went to a party at their house last week and had a wonderful time. Adolfo and I were the strangers there, but we had such a nice time it was like we were finally meeting the kind of people we should have met long before.

The couple seemed to click so nicely and even talked about their active sex life. I was jelous, I admit, starting to see wherein Adolfo and I were really far apart from each other.

A week later we all went out to dinner together and were talking very frankly about our lives and I guess one said too much leaving the seond feeling like he was betrayed or being called an asshole. They had a huge fight and nearly broked up over it and I was so stunned.

I talked to one, the one I usually talk to, and found out the perfect couple was not as perfect as I thought. They have the same issues we have, basically, and given they have been together as long as we have it is a relief. I started thinking Adolfo and I were doomed, but now I wonder how normal we are?

That’s the point of this anyway, that this couple became a reflection of my thoughts and worries about our relationship. I compared us to them and found out… it’s okay. We work on our sisues, but it is a relief to find out were not so different.

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(BTW, I had a lot of this written and the damn browser went flukey on me and I had to retype half ot it. Ugh!)
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Updating a previous note I entered: Allan, the closeted married guy I spoke of, has snapped and is aparently pissed off at me. He cut me off in AIM and has taken to ignoring me. As I wrote in this entry, I see life as a series of important lessons we can take from everyone we meet IF we are open to them.

Allan seems closed off to those lessons for the most part. He is more open to negative energy than positive, which is a shame. Someone told him he looked like Newman from Seinfeld and he totally flipped out and carried on for weeks. A guy he had been pining for, another closeted married guy, dumped him and he lamanted ENDLESSLY over him.

I have tried to give Allan helpful, positive information, suggestions, and feedback but it goes right through him and nothing sticks. I guess that is the way some people are, as much as I can see, but I have tried.

Admittedly, I have teased him and given him a hard time over his closeted circumstance because a lot of the stress he puts himself through is unneccessary. I told him he needs to share his feelings with his wife because they really seem to love each other a lot. BUT, they are also explosive and have issues. So who knows if that is actually a good suggestion? It’s better than sneaking around and lying all the time, isn’t it?

I’m no angel… as it were. I do bad things… 🙁 I just wanted him to be happier and less stressed.

As you can see, as of this morning, there are more changes to the appearance of the web site. I have been diddling these changes in my head a few days now and finally assembled them tonight. I was able to make a lot of chages to things I want to …. on this site and others.

It’s been a long night. I am at work right now and looking at the last hour ticking by. My job right now is a “show up and collect a paycheck” kinda thing. I am still working on my directions as I struggle to get direction in life. My passions with cooking are probably more personal than career? I’m not thrilled with this IT Department… the place I work at kinda sucks sometimes. BUT, the job is pretty skate on the Overnight shift anyway.

At this job when I work day or swing shift people are pretty upfront about treating me like a complete dumbass. People in this department are rude, condescending, arrogant and often pathetic. I have worked in IT almost my whole working life after the military and never have seen such a dysfunctional environment.

It’s not my problem. I said it already, I show up and get paid these days. Paid well, too! So, how can I kvetch too much?

I would like to find the dream job. It’s got to be out there because I had it before. When I worked at a web company in L.A. I had the best job with the greatest people. I still think back to the people I knew there and occasionally get to talk to them on-line. Mark, Michelle, and others. There was a guy named Garo who I was certain would end up in prison on a rape or stalking charge???? He was/is a nice guy but was a bit of a ‘tard with women. And there was Frank who I just recently found out from Mark that he was killed in a drive-by shooting. SUCKS!

There are some people here at the Venetian I really like that I am currently working with! Not all of them are assholes… at least the people at the Help Desk (75% of them) stick together and comizerate over the other butt-heads.

Why haven’t I started looking for another job? Well, I got my resume started. The reason I am not rushing out the door is because I have it pretty good as a worker-bee here. 8 hours a day, 1 hour paid lunch, they feed me, and on the over night shift I have to interact with a minimum amount of people.

Oh well… it will all come together. Cheers for now…. and tell me what you think of the changes!