Once again I have managed to ignore and neglect my diary. When I think about the majority of entries on this in recent years they seem to have been the “bitch about Adolfo” or “bitch-bitch-bitch” pages. Doesn;t that just seem kinda negative?

So, this week Adolfo and I drove from Las Vegas to Lake Tahoe for my sister’s wedding. This was the best family event I have ever been to. Adolfo and I really had a good time and bonded a lot through this journey. It was awesome seeing the people I saw and I felt so much warmth form all of them.

Pictures will be posted soon. I have a ton of them!

So… in many of the pictures I look like a fat cow bitch from hell. So, as of yesterday I am on a new diet and plan on losing the weight. Mind you, since leaving Boston I gained 40+ pounds and am hating it!

I can lose the weight. I think that a lot of it because of my stress and frustrations in life. I had so much less when I lived in Boston! I have been torchuring Adolfo with the idea of moving out of Vegas again … but I know I have some stuff to do before we go there.

Okay… thanks Gary for the note about me neglecting my diary. It’s true… maybe I just got too comfy biching about schtuff???? xo

I have been poor in my updates on the diary. My energy has been going in different directions and alll and nothing has been directed in any really positive direction. I am so upsidedown these days that I am still in the same place.

I know it probably does not make sense. It’s late and I am getting ready for bed. Adolfo pooped out 2 hours ago after we watched the Bourne Supremacy. I watched Bourne Ultimatum last week and am obsessed with this sotry line that I am thinking it is time I read the books.

Cool news is that they are making the third movie; Bourne Ultimatum. This is according to Julia Stiles on a recent interview I was watching. I am so thrilled. I have come to terms that Matt will not eventually fall in love with me and support me as his live in lover.

Adolfo is well. We are winging this realtionship every week/ I am never happy and am generally a poop spinning in my own shit. I keep thinking I am going to leave everything (Adolfo, Las vegas, the damn Venetian Hotel) and move to Washington State. It’s just I have no balls anymore. Ugh!

Anyway… this is just a rant because I felt I needed to make an entry before bed tonight. XO

I just read the Newsweek article above about Mary Magdaline. As you know, I also recently read the DaVinci Code. As much as I know Dan wrote a great fiction book, there are factors about the whole Mary Magdaline thing that really bother me. It infuriates me that people like St. Peter and homophobe Paul effectively created a church with their own prejudices and disrespect of women. I have to wonder HOW I would feel about Christians and Women if they had accepted Mary as a respected apostle?

I believe whole heartedly there was a cover up and clear prejudice against females in the Christian church because.. well, that was the way of the day. We (humans) have used those same prejucdices over time against anyone we chose… including women, blacks, immagrants and queers… demonizing them.

For personal gain… for that matter! Why pay attention to Irag or the Gas Crisis when we can hate foriegners? – Bushisms

Iam not a person who particulary repsects women as a whole… I am being honest. I don’t think 90% of them belong in business and are capable of conducting business. I have known some really KICK ASS women in my day though… Rosa, Cynthia, and more.

But…. this is a seriously huge wrong on this planet.

Today is my Monday at work. Today is a good day. No real drama. Lot’s of good energy floating around… which is good. There is a guy at work I don’t like, but we are not butting heads.

Today I got up and I had Special K Red Berries and a Yogurt for breakfast.

Then I got dressed and went to the gym where I had a good workout. I did my sit-up routine, stairmaster for 30, treadmill for 20… I was soaking wet from sweat after.

I showered and shaved. No small feat because I am now shaving my whole body daily for that smooth, silky look. Feels good unless I knick myself.

Then I went to the tanning salon and microwaved myself for 10 minutes to finish with a warm and toasty glow.

Trotted off to work in the Venetian. Parking is always a bitch here.

Showed up at work and they had pizza here. Cold, old 6 hour past prime pizza that was completely unedible. I would imagine the health department would shit if they saw this.

Anyway, I hear they are supposed to be bringing fresh pizza later on… I’m not touching it. I am fat enough as it is and since I seem to be losing a couple pounds here and there I need any headway I can get.

Adolfo is well. We are okay. We still have big problems but we seem to be surviving them in so far.

I sent my mom her Mother’s Day thingy on Monday and she got it on Wednesday already.

I sent schtuff to my dad and step mom and I have not heard from them.

Recently I kvetched about my feinds issues and was missing a lot of people. When I was in Boston and when I was in Long Beach I had some really great freinds. Without a doubt I miss them all so very very much. Moreso because my freindships here have not been so successful. As well as any relationship I have tried to make in Las Vegas.

Often I day-dream about moving out of Las Vegas. I day dream about finding the perfect job. I dream that there must be oppurtunity for me in a life when I am worried I have let it all pass me by. At the age of 41 and getting chronologically older I have MANY regrets on a past of missed oppurtunities and options I failed to take.

Without a doubt, I have been extraordinarily fortunate with my ventures and adventures although they (as a whole) have not taken me further than where I am.

I am working backward since coming to Las Vegas: Backwards in career decisions and oppurtunities without clear avenues to start moving forward. Backwards dating someone I dated and broke up with 12 years ago when I lived in Long Beach.

Makes me wonder about where my brain is at. It seems clear to me that Las Vegas and I are upside-down on each other. I’m not strong enough right now to move on by myself.

I feel really insecure about where I am in life. Funny how life’s lessons have been especially with my move here. It’s like a non-stop beating and I feel like I am being beaten up by a little girl.

Humiliating!

Yesterday was my first day back to work from my 1.5 week long vacation. Ugh! I know most people hate their jobs…. I hate mine. I like most of the people I work with… some are linked on my freinds list on mySpace. We’re all such an odd bunch.

I have to help some people who are such idiots. You know I do Help Desk Support at the Venetian Hotel and Casino on the lovely Las Vegas Strip (Imagine a commercial voice on that introduction). I have to field calls from guests and hotel employees. Anyone who answers support calls can relate to the morons that call in… but to put out the level of customer service needed is a tought thing to do.

I need a new job… I have not had the KIND of job that brought joy to me like when I worked for HostPro and Cambridgeport Bank… those were the days and both of those companies are gone.

Re: Adolfo and I: we’re here. Our relationship is teetering though I am unsure how he feels. We’re on a rocky shore from what I can see and I do not know if it will get any better. I need a change and I think it will come within the next year. Together or not… I do not know yet.

I am so not into drama, though I think some people might think I am from reading this. In the last couple weeks I got some cool e-mails from people I never talked to before that actually come and read my diary! I think that is sooooo cool.

Please feel free to leave comments here: good, bad, or whatever!

XO

Today is the last day of Adolfo’s vacation days and I pretty much reserved the day for him. We really did nothing. I made a nice dinner, we had a nice lunch, we did a little shopping… and nothing else.

My distress at this relationship is mounting again. I think the longer you are with someone the harder it is to see the conclusion. I love him. I just need something else.

There are a lot of details I don’t want to put on here, yet I really need a friend to talk to. I miss Ed in Long Beach so much. He was always a good friend who dispensed quick fire advice. I never got the chance to lament with him, because he would never put up with it. Which was really a good thing.

My friends here have been so absent. Not that my record has been spotless, but the value of friendship is transparent around this city. Which is a mile of difference in Boston where freinds really bond there.

I miss having freinds. I would do anything for my freinds.

I miss Mikey. He moved back to Canada for good reasons and I hear he is doing really well.

Occasionally since turning 40 I have had some real crisis moments. I am distressed about which direction life is taking me and so far in Las Vegas I have been spinning in a circle. And it has been a wicked circle.

I’ve got a gun pointed at my own head, not literally, but in the sense that I have made some really bad personal decsions.

• Leaving Brian was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was good for him in the long run.
• I should never have left Boston when I did.
• Moving to Vegas was a huge huge huge mistake.
• Staying in Vegas was another mistake.
• Getting my degree in Culinary was a huge mistake.

I miss Sam.

I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point. I feel like I am dead center of something I could call al mid-life crisis and there is no safety net beneath me.

My connections to people have been very precious, but they keep slipping away from me. My connection to Adolfo is blanketed by a big-stupid issue and a few little pitiful somethings.

I also miss Kaidy.

I miss Maureen.

I dunno… last night when the Apprentice was on I started thinking about how hot I think certain guys are and how much the current favorites (excluding Matt Damon) look similar. Lee is on the Apprentice on the current show and this week and last week he was filemed without his shirt on… OH HELL YES.

Andy was on 2 seasons ago and he was a cutie. Ya just watch some of these “reality” shows and you can feel like some of these people become a little more personal. I love seeing these guys and watching their antics on Apprentice. I am an addict!

Lee is a great guy, he’s spiritual, smart and charming. In spite of few short comings I think he is red hot.

Now… I hope he’s not bothered by this but Lior is someone I met on mySpace and I find him to be incredibly interesting. He is charming, sweet, and seems to have a good character based on his feedback in the BB I have been frequenting on mySpace.

Yeah!

There are days when one sees life twisted a little. Today was a really good day. I got permission from Adolfo to go to a pool party at the Blue Moon Resort and was able to relax and chill out. There were a lot of other fags in this clothing optional, men only resort with video room and sauna.

ha ha ha

The population was largely men in their late thrties and fourties, a second population of twinks, and some much older guys. There was a lot of ‘lookie me’ attitude from the twinks and klingon creepiness from SOME of the older guys. One fat slob tried staring me down and since I’m the toughest bitch in the flock he got no where.

Anyway, there was some fucking and sucking but in the end I sat by myself under the waterfal just looking at some of the people and thought about how different everyone is. I hate that. but, I have to learn to deal with it.

It was a good day for Adolfo and I to spend apart. We still do not know how the rest of the week is going to spin out… so we take this vacation one day at a time.

xo All!

I managed to put some bad mojo in the universe recently and have been suffering the last couple of days… usually by my own frustrations and issues. Today I blew my lid a couple of times and got so pissed off that I was literally shaking afterward. It’s all so fucking stupid.

When I get mad I get mad like a firecracker with a short short fuse. It’s lit, is does not burn but an instant, then bang. It’s ONE of the worst parts of my personality.

Anyway, yesterday was shit and today was shit. These are two days with a little amount of sleep, few activities of any importance, and then various frustrations that really challenge the soul. I was actually standing next to this womans car yelling at her at one point. She was so fucking stupid and I was venting like a guiser. The bitch almost sideswiped me because she was changing lanes without a signal and a cell phone on her (god damn!) ear. Turned out she had a kid in the car who was not even strapped into his seat properly… all I could do was walk back to my truck and drive off. UGH!

Yesterday I got mad because my on-line porn from www.aebn.com was not downloading properly. This site has all kinds of shit… some of it freaky… which I just had to watch and marvel at. WIERD SHIT… man!

I also have been spending a lot of time on the MySpace “Gay Men Only” BB where I have been meeting some of the most most amazing guys.

My previous rant was possily an extension of that because there is this guy named Lior on there that is phenomenol looking and just as charming… but he is 21.

My relationship with Adolfo seems to always be teetering on the edge of despair from my perspective. He has his life and I see where we have really grown together and then drifted in slightly different roads. In fact, he seems to really be blossuming here while my world seems stunted.

As much as I try and figure out how to get going in life again, I feel walls around me.
I am thinking about going back to school, but I am spiraling about the direction I need to be going in to. How in the hell do I assure my future when I do not even know where I am going?

I have never had a mentor, a guiding hand, a person who took an interest in my future and now it is too late. I am the only person responsible for me and frankly, that guy is a bit of a fruit loop.

So, you can see some of my dilemma.

One thing someone said recently is: “You see the world the same way you see yourself.” Which has been profound and thought provolking to me all day today. I can’t think of who said it to me in the last few days, which reminded me there is no one you meet in life you weren’t meant to meet and learn a little something from.

Hmmm… xo