Since my last posting I have received several notes from peeps who checked out my pages… so with great relief I know people are actually stopping by on occasion. You all have not completely forgotten me… 🙁

Alas, I have created of TO DO’s on the chalk board at home that I need to get some results with. Among them are some of my key issues that I have been grousing about for … years. I have this theory that when I take care of my IRS issues that my quality of life problems will increase greatly.

I do not recommend to anyone to allow themselves become indebted to the US Gov’t because they will abuse, rape, and bankrupt you in so many ways as a result. They make loan sharks and mafia look like sweethearts. Plus, just the pressure of having that debt can really ware a person down.

Anyway… I am still looking at trying to improve life instead of grousing about it any further. This year I think I will make positive changes for myself and myself ALONE… well, Tom too.

I’ve asked for help from freinds and family in the past, but no one was willing to help me get going. I beleive that as long as I have this debt I can’t buy a house, own land, have investments… I want these things. I want a life. I want to be happy.

I have nothing to say.

How unusual! I can;t type either. So… I am taking a few days off later this week and my dad is coming into souther Nevada for a little trip next weekend. Adolfo and I are going to drive out and see them, have lunch, shop, etc…

I’m keepin busy and the usual schtuff. Been thinking alot about the future and plans and feelings and directions and goals and more stuff in my ADD brain.

1. Terry e-mailed me not long ago about how ‘a person’ can improve their world by making a conscious decision to be more positive about it… like refusing to focus on the negative. It works, but in short bursts. Really, a person has to figure out what will make them happy and figure out IF THAT WILL REALLY make them happy instead of deluding themselves; make a list and make the changes needed to improve ones life no matter how painful they might be in the short run.

2. Moving to the Northwest… I am ready to leave tomorrow. Me and Tom in the truck and gone. I think I need some time on my own from Adolfo and we need to figure out if we really want each other. I love him a lot, but … there is a ‘but’ in there which … well, details are too gruesome to get into. Gruesome? Boring! But basically he and I have issues and if ANYONE reading this is surprised… welcome, you must be new!

3. Quitting my job…. I literally hate my job. I’m not qualified to do anything else but cook. I have no $$$ so I do not have cashoola to do what I actually want to do (see www.blueangelcafe.com).

I’ll write more later… Scott

This is my third day on my day shift and I think I like it better. It is a little on the boring side, but at least when something needs to get done I can usually achieve it. I have to deal with some people I would rather not see, but they are all not bad. Some of the people I work with are really nice to work with. Some mean nothing to me, while others (a few) make an effort to go up my nose.

I have this new attitude I am trying to consciously put forward: Warm & Fuzzy. At least until I quit here. I am so over this job… but I am so very ‘neich’ as it were. (Spelling not graded please). I can do this job easily enough and I have some good structure. Much better positioned since coming to this shift because people can see HOW I work and how I manage calls/information.

Re: Adolfo: I have been getting upset with him a lot lately and my patience level is pretty thin. Although I know it’s not all his fault, I feel that our relatioship is making some turns and it is very possible that we are starting to head in different directions and needs in life. For a long time I could not pciture growing another day older without him… that vision has changed and I am starting to feel more and more that I need to make a major change in life.

Our two incomes are pretty sweet and make for a comfortable lifestyle, I would say. I’m not sure that’s all of what I need … escpecially my waist line.

One of the things that has me so unhappy in general.. I have to admit this openly… is that since leaving Boston I have gained 50 pounds! What – the – FUCK is that???? We have this tendancy to eat out a lot and even the sihes I make at home are often less than completely healthy. Ugh!!!! absolute frustration….

I have been hearing lately that I have a tendency to overreact to things? I’ve been getting this meeage from a variety of directions, not all realted to the same source. It may also be an answer to some of the feelings and reactions I have noticed from myself.

Lately, I have been taking small problems and feeling like they were big things and it makes no sense to get that pissed off at little stupid things. I cannot understand myself anymore and am wondering what I can do personally to make those feelings different.

I hate my life as it is today. I am not doing anything that makes me feel good. I hate my job. I hate working for the people I work for. I hate this company. I hate all this… it’s like a giant step backward with no conceivable direction to move forward in.

I want to cook, but I do not want to be a kitchen monkey for no pay. Cooks are lucky to earn 10$ an hour in most kitchens. The hotels pay more, but this is not my calling. IT is what I am doing for my main source of income right now… this Help Desk stuff sucks like hell.

Bitch bitch bitch…. that’s all I ever seem to do anymore. I am so over it… I open my mouth and all this negative shit pours out. Look! I’m being negetive about being negetive. I’m Eore all of a sudden. Ugh!

So… Terry e-mail me the other day and he offers me some advice… offers but not really. He gives it anyway and I take it. He says I am bitching about something I can control by looking at the whole situation differently and making an effort to see the brighter side of the whole thingy. Yeah, he’s right.

I can control where and what I do/go in life if I put some effort behind it. I have 1 specific issue which could make life better for me that for a single reason I keep dragging my feet on which I can resolve if I start working on it. Get passed that and get to the next domino in the chain and things could get pretty smiley in the long road.

This is me being positive. How am I doing so far?

1. resolve a debt with the IRS plaguing me for 10 years
2. resolve one other minor tax debt
3. I want to go back to school
4. I want to leave Las Vegas
5. buy a house
6. open a diner or bed/breakfast

NO ONE HAD TOLD ME WHAT THEY THINK OF THE NEW ART…. I also updated www.halonet.net with some updated art here and there. I hope to do more soon! I need to give the whole bloody thing more attention!

News: I have been secretely writing again (no one is reading this are they?) and have written 2x300page books in the last couple months. I like the stories I wrote… I went from an idea and blossumed. When I was ready to finish book 2 I got an idea for a 3rd book with the same characters.

Well, that idea just grew and grew and grew into a long set of plots and sub-plots. I’m happy with it.

I have an idea for a book I have been slowly cooking in my head but have not applied to paper yet. Wonder what will happen with that.

I need a fucking job where I can do nothing but my own little projects through the day. I need to be a millionarie or something????

me me me me me me me

I am babbling again. Incoherant rants that have subjects all over the map… Terry will be displeased. Cathy will shake her head. Gary? Still out there? Allan? hmmm?

I havwe been thinking about my last entry into the ol’d diary here.

I love Isreali men. I really do… hot hot hot. Look at my hottest guys on page 1, at least 2 of them are nice skinny jewish boys and are way yummy. So, this whole Middle East thing is going to be a huge fucking mess. These Mulsims are going to bring nothing but chaos to an already messed up world.

Anyway, I can’t wait to do something positive with my life. I was thinking how much I personally have failed in my life. How hum-drum I have become and boring. I have a JOB with no potential for growth… but no one around me can see that. I have my freind Ed who’s worked at SCE for 20 frigging years now and OH MY HELL he is doing so well and seems so happy with it. I guess I should be counting my blessings.

I grew up with my Dad telling me I would never amount to anything. I grew up with him telling me I was nothing. He did his best to prove it to me and I think I developed this idea I needed to over-compensate for my life and so nothing is ever good enough.

With Adolfo, I have settled for a lot of things. SETTLED. I think he has settled for me too, and I know he can do a lot better than me. I love him a lot. Mostly because he takes good care of me and puts up with a lot of my shit. I still feel like I was to be on my own for a while, but how do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone you love you want to have some time-out for a bit?

I dunno.

I want to get out of Las Vegas very badly. I hate it here. I hate the trap I am in. I hate that I am feeling like such a complete loser that I am chokcing on my own regret and self pity. Oh, this is sickening. I got my fucking degree in Culinary for a reason and I will be damned if I can really figure it all out. FUCK!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

BBC News has been talking a lot about the war between Isreal and Lebennon and I find it very depressing. It seems to include the “Disaster of Bush” in Iraq as well as the interferences with Syria and Iran. Largely the opinion is that this is sure to become WW3, which seemingly proves predictions of 2000 saying that the President elected that year will bring that war into reality.

Doomsday predictions are the wealth of the Christians, but I am to understand it may well be the call of the Muslim faith as well. Well, from my perspective anyway. Bringing a united Muslim commuity together sounds like doomsday because the faith I am presented with is fanatical and stunted.

Maybe we need WW3 in that region and let the strongest survive. Muslims not only slaughter wrescklessly but they also put their civilians squarely in danger. Yes they might get their united Muslim world, but it might mean only 10% of those assholes will be left.

Now, I know not all Muslims are the same. Not all are gun-wielding fanatics. But there are a lot of examples of the “bad” Muslim.

I have also wondered about G.W. and his deeply faulted logic on policy. Here were trapsed into Iraq because we were under the flase banner of weapons of mass destruction? Yet, here were faced by Iran and North Korea definitely working to produce these elements and we are so tied up in Iraq that we do nothing.

George Bush you suck. Nuke Iran! Nuke Syria! Let the fucking Iraqi’s kill themselves and if AlQueda start gaining power there, fucking nuke them too. Be done with that trash. Korea is a limp dick. We can deal with them after.

More later babies….

I found out today that people are actually still reading this thing. I wondered if anyone was paying attention anymore to the Book Of Uriel. It’s not like I have been giving it much attention or making any major updates. It used to be that I kept this thing maintained a lot. But, I just have been going in so many directions and putting my priorities in all different areas that I even walk crooked.

Sam was supposed to be here today, you can see him on my Top8 on mySpace, and is supposed to be staying for a while. I am looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him. I think Adolfo will like him a lot and while he’s here I hope to see him getting back on his feet and going in a positive direction for life.

I love him very much. There is something about Sam that gives me support in my spiritual aspects of life…. he is a deeply spiritual being though there are some past issues in his life that I think pulled him away from those core values. When I first me him Sam was just a pisser… piss off as many people as he could. He is still like that, he likes to pull people’s chains and give them a doese of crap with no “mean” intentions behind them.

If he does come over and hang I look forward to his company. I’m SOOO not his type sexually. He likes young guys and boys. Dirty little monkey… check out his mySpace and you’ll see what I mean. That David boy on his mySpace is a little hottie sextoy himself. grrrrowl… but I’m just an old fat fart now. PooH!

This has been a nutty month. I drove off to see my dad on Wednesday in California and help him iwth a new computer he bought. It’s been a couple months since he had it and managed to get all kinds of crap on it he did not need. It was pretty cool seeing him.

My dad always favored my sister Lynn growing up and to some degree, so did my mom. It’s not imaginary or anything like that, just a fact I am content with at this stage of my life. There is so much history that I shall not bore you with.

So when I fired up his PC of course I see his WallPaper is a giant picture of him and her. ah… yeah. I pointed at it and gave my Dad so much shit about it. Walk through the house and see if you can find a single picture of me… but there are a few of her and my BEAUTIFUL nephews and neice. Who’s the favorite?

Imagine that crap I felt like as a teenager and stuff. I can say TODAY that I’m over it and mature enough to except the reality of it, but I have also seen the way my sister has acted over the years. I get reports from them all the times on the kids and I can’t help but think how everyday she was blessed with these fantastic kids.

It’s my understanding that my sister has told her kids that she had no brother. Her and I had a heated fight about 20 years ago which she tried to exaggerate to my parents, thankfully I do not think they believed her. She said some crap I can;t even remember which was a lie.

IT SUCKS! I would have loved to be the good uncle. I latch on to other peoples kids and give gifts and attention I should be able to give them. SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS!

Oh, and my clutch crapped on my truck and it cost US 1600$ Damn, that could have paid off my truck! Argh!
______

I am on occasion a bit of a hypocontriac (sp?). Thanks MOM!

A couple days ago I started getting an ichy throat and I was afraid I got food poisoning at first, but then I started feeling worse and it lasted a couple of days.

Then! I did what I always so when I get sickly. I started thinking it finally happened!!!! I have HIV … ichy throast, allergies, icky feeling… I must be dying. I start considering whether or not to take med, see a doctor, blah blah blah! It’s all HORSESHIT … I have allergies and there is a huge fire burning a few miles out of the city and I have been sucking smoke from it. Ugh! I am so much drama.

HIV???? I have known some excellent people who developed HIV. In the earlier years I think all have passed on. Ron died in 95 I think, a man I loved deeply and we were together a while. Erwin was a friend I met when I worked at Pioneer electronics… going to hid funeral was one of the hardest things I ever did. Eloy grew very bitter when he discovered he had HIV, but I lost touch with him because he got to be a very angry person; he and I sorta dated for a while.

GOOD NEWS is that I have a freind who IS HIV Poz and he is one of the most inspirational, life loving, life challenging people I have ever met. He’s been Poz a long time and if I were to become POZ (God forbid) I would want to walk in his shadow. XO