After a long winter, a long dead silence, I am coming to terms with the end of many things. Chief among them is the fact that Adolfo and I have separated. He moved out a couple days ago and is settled in his new apartment. The bizarre thing is that he is back where he lived before we got together.

I took him shopping yesterday to get supplies and it felt good being with him. Yesterday was also my last day of school for the quarter. And in one week I am moving… to Oregon. I am so stressed and I am looking at being broke and starving… okay, that was dramatic!

Well, I thought I was going to be able to deliver something profound tonight and in the end I feel like I have nothing willing to come out. Maybe next time… Tom looks bored!
The new back yard… courtesy of Eddie Eggman…. Thanks Eddie… Tom will poop here!

I have taken this week off from work because this was also the week I was off for school. It was all just time… just time to allow me to get some inner perspective and time for me to think about the future. Life, as it is in this moment, could be a lot better. Although it could be a lot worse, I’ve taken some inventory.

It’s nothing profound to say that I have changed a lot in the last 10 years with “maturity” of mind and body. There is still a part of me that is very impetuous and impulsive. There is still a part of me that is unhinged by the passing years. At least I started preading out my mid-life crisis early on.

I’ve come to realize again that my current job is not a good fit for me at all and some of the poeple there are so destructive that staying much longer would be disaster. I thought about just quitting. I thought I had a good chance at a promotion, but alas I also discovered that I was the only one who really thought so. My manager at work told me that I had the job and played with my feelings on it… he’s a liar and I am just through trusting those people.

This is my 3rd burn from the same manager.

So, as I lament here one more time I also have to prepare myself for a new school quarter starting Monday and a means of fixing my schedule which is still all jacked up. xo

I know I have disapointed some people because I have not been as forthright in getting my diary updated. I have had less time. Life has been respectable and though it is tough at times, I seem to be managing better than a lot of other people.

Well, there is a sense of catharsis I also got from writing here hat I have not really experienced in a while as well. Some of my thoughts can’t work in this diary because of the vulnerablity that I have here. This diary is on my personal site; where my resume, art, and other personal things are located.

So, I feel like changes are coming.In the past I have not heeded those feelings and let them pass. Although decisions were based on security, jobs, time of the year…. we stayed to keep earning money.

Yes, I said “we”. I do feel like I could use some time on my own for a while… and FAR from Las Vegas. I try thinking of WHERE I would go… although I think of Seattle I can’t imagine how well I would do there and if I could with Adolfo. He is a good guy and I love him a lot.

hmmmmmmmmmmm….

I have been tired a lot and feeling overwhelmed constantly. I’m really driving myself into the ground. That or I could just need to go to the doctor. I take vitamins. I am exercising. I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to do the right things and it’s a climb up a steep hillside with falling rocks!

Adolfo’s been pretty happy since Sam departed, but I am left with huge regrets with Sam. As much I tried to be close to him and to love him as a freind he was always arm’s length away. With this last stay we may have been pushed apart more. Growing expereince for him or me? Hopefully we both learned something from it all. Hopefully I won;t lose him into whatever he is going back to in L.A..

I’ve carried something in my heart for Sam over a long time. It’s not like I have any romantic expectations out of him, just he’s like a needy puppy I want to cuddle and protect. Unfortunately he never realized how much I was willing to offer him and give him room for, but he thought he had to b.s. me for what I was already willing to give him.

Sam is a sweet, loving guy who needs to come out of this cacoon he is in. It hides him and allows him to exist undisturbed… but at the same time it shields him from being seen by the powers of the universae that can give him significant power. Perhaps that is the issue – in itself – because power corrupts.

THIS IS NOT A BLOG ABOUT SAM!!!!!!!

The whole Sam thing was just on my mind I guess. A lot of things are on my mind. I’m worried about my health and my mental status. I’m 42 friggin years old right now and I am really feeling it. I might be in the midst of some life crisis too. I want to leave his city really bad, but I am getting a lot out of school right now and don’t want to lose that.

Another thing I decided was to stop looking back. I miss a lot of old friends and former lovers, but I don’t think they miss me? When I have someone in my heart it seems they are there forever unless I am betrayed by them in some way. I have to stop holding on to the past and continue moving forward.

So, this rant is the product of not putting anything out here in a while. Sorry about that! XO!

Valentines Week? Adolfo’s Birthday? All this crap and school on top of it all. Today is Monday and today is my Wednesday for work. Sucks that Inever get a day off, but that will change soon. I will escape at the end of the quarter for a little while which will be really good for me.

Next quarter I will schedule my classes a little better so I can have a day to decompress and mellow. It WILL probably mean I will end up doing homework on that day…. ugh!!! This schedule has been sooooooo stressful. I thought I was doing the right thing. I must have been pissed off at Adolfo when I did this thining we were going to break up or something.

BTW: he has no faith in what I am doing in school and told me so last night. I think he thinks I am just spinning my wheels and trying to become a FT student. Kiss me ASS… bitches.

If you have not heard the news…. Anna Nicole Smith was found dead today. I am so bummed.. anyone who dismisses the girl is a fool. She played a dumb blonde on tv, but she as a lot more than that. She achieved a lot in her life for the pride of her life…. her son Danial. When he died I could see her whole world crumbling. Even with the new baby in her life it must have crushed her soul to lose the son she did anything for.

I admire her. I hope for the best for her daughter. My condolences go out to Howard and her friends. Tears are being shed for her. Those people who spew venom in her name be damned because you underestimate her!

So, Sam is now gone. He left yesterday afternoon and headed off to a buddy in L.A. where he thought he could find some better oppurtunities. Alas, that is what he told me. It was obvious his presence was causing a lot of tension here and it was written on the wall that it was time to leave. I’m not sure if I contributed to anything in his life this time around… time will tell. I just called him and wanted tomake sure he was okay.

The butthead got food poisoning on the way home by eating crappy sushi from Panda Express. Uhm “Panda Express”… whichis Chinese food …the Chinese hate the Japanese so … HELLO!!!

ANyway, there was a point where I felt a void in the universe. At least there was one thing Sam had brought with him, a stronger sense of the spirit. Although he mayhave drifted from some of his religious convictions, he always had a strong spiritual aire around him that is grossly absent here in Vegas.

ANyway, for Asolfo and I … he was more relaxed and cheerful. Glad for that!!!! XO

Well, after all this stuff from yesterday… Same tells me he is leaving to go back to O.C. tomorrow becasue some oppurtunities have opened up. I wanted to help him get moving in a positive direction, but I don;t know if I achieved any of that. I thought I was being a good friend, but I amy have been something else?

enabler? betrayer? mother hen? definitely, a buffer…

I was always between Sam and Adolfo. But, I still had to keep peace in the house. I did my best and now that he is going I have my office back in the 2nd bedroom.

Other good news, I found a couple guys I want to use in some art I am putting together who will be models for me in some photos. I need models of a certain nature. So far I found two perfect peeps. S

Last night Adolfo had some words for me regarding our house-mate. aka the squatter… aka the platipus…. aka Sam.

I made a written agreement with Sam the day he arrived specifying some ‘expectations’ to the conditions of his stay because he needs to really be on track toward getting a job and getting his life in order. Meanwhile you have to consider that for the better of the last four years he has been homebound and helping to take care of his neices; not to mention hopped-up on drugs and living like a minor league vampire. Nanny care with a Meth-Pipe… it is a modern world, huh?

Well, his life was coming to a cross roads and he finally got away from his guy Dan he was involved with that was poison… so I opened the door for him to come stay with me in LV and try building a new path for himself.

This page of the story began last October when he came and stayed for 2 or 3 months and accomplished nothing. I bought him a ticket home and off he went with a mission to recoved his personal computer and settle some issues. But, his departue left me feeling very sour about our relationship. Here I bought him this ticket, spend $ to go get him in L.A. in the first place, fed him and housed him for a long time, and not even a thank you out of it.

I have to say we did have a conversation that touched me in the first visit that galvanized my wilingness to support him in his mission to change his life. Yet the departure and conversations since have made me wonder ‘how big of a sucker am I?’????

The fore mentioned agreement has been broken on every level so far. When I confronted Sam about the issues UP TO that point I ended up feeling like that bad guy. Sam can talk. Sam can deliver the emotion and the tragedy of his life right on queue. It almost comes across as too contrived because it goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. He can be quite the cameleon.

Which begs the question, ‘Am I being conned?’ Is it alright that I can question a friend’s commitment to the “mission” and to find out if I am being suckered into supporting someone whose intentions are really being masked with a deluded sense of ‘deserving’? I’m at a loss of words sometimes….

In the agreeement I laid out a lot including giving Sam 60 days to pull it together. I sat him down at the table and went over it in detail expressing limits and tolerences for his stay. Yet, the 60 days was clearly expressed. This was the beginning of January, so as you can see we are half-way through the process so I talked to him again this morning.

In the last 30 days he has broken the agreement in several ways:

• Do not download any software onto my PC without my approval // Well, that did not work.
• Do not hook up your PC to my network (in house) until I say because I need the PC for school work // again, he did it anyway. Now, my PC is completely dead. It may have been that that power supply died like he said, but odly enough it stopped working while he was using it. I just finished doing a bunch of mainteneace on it and had it wokring as well as it could (old old machine) – asn any Micron PC could run.
• DO not bring strangers into the house // well, that was a new low. On adolfo’s day off (while he was out shopping) Sam brought someone in and was fornicating. Adolfo came home and well they were in the bedroom, I came home later and now we had a full apartment! Sam wanders out with some story of how this guy is a part of his Theology Group on-line. Well, my Theory is he picked this clown up on Craig’s List for a quick fuck. AND!!!! This guy worked at the Wynn where Adolfo works and he recognized him.

Well, Sam and I had an argument after I found out that MY PC was dead and I ended up feeling like the bad guy in the end. Adolfo told me that he really lost respect for me during that conversation (that he wittnessed) because of the way I caved. I was so mad at Sam and he pushed back at me so hard that I was ready to throw him out that night. Along came the tears and the words how I was the only person he could trust anymore… I am a sucker.

In the past, I have made a lot fo bad cedisions. You might never believe this, but I can be incredibly naive. I also believe I have a bullshit detector that is very accurate, but a conviction that has been shaken a couple of times that really knockes the legs out from under it.

A month into this process Sam has had 1 interview at my job and little else. He smokes like crazy and hangs out like a vampire. Although I duscssed all these things with him this morning, I am still left wondering what to do.

I told Sam today he had to be out by the end of the month one way or another. He has to show a greater commitment to finding a job. Although Adolfo has been somewhat unreasonable on occasion, he is also right and whatever is going on this HIS intuition I have to pay attention to as well.

“Bro’s Before Ho’s”…. ha ha ha … well, I always said I would support a FRIEND before anything a boyfriend had to say, because one always lasts longer than the other. I have 6 years with Adolfo under my belt. I have known Sam for 8 or 9 years. My trust is all of this is shaken and I am seriously over stressed about all of it. It’s got to change.

It feels like life has been very topsy turvey. I complained about Adolfo grinding my balls to dust recently, but I also decided I am the cause of some of my own troubles. I’d like to start putting some of the broken elements of my house together… and will.

Between dieting, finding my focus for my own health, and this relationship I feel like it’s just gone out of balance. I work out, but it’s not enough. I try watching my food in take, but I find myself loosing that battle as well.

Today I saw my reflection in a mirror and saw some pics Adolfo took at Christmas time and can;t see from inside how big I have managed to get compared to where I was when I lived in Boston. After leaving Boston I packed it on.

Well, Adolfo has been cool today and he gets so pissed off. I’m no angel, but damn. I was pissed with him the last two days because he was pissed off at me. oi… vicious circle.