On my previous entry I noted I was staying with “New Horizons”, which is wrong. My camp is “Journeys” and it will be at Center Camp behind the supply are of Center Camp (Somewhere near Black Rock Roller Disco I think).

This was a long day. I did not let things get to me the way they could of, but I was still left thinking about a lot of things. Basically, I stayed in most of the day taking care of household shit while doing some reflection and shifts of household energy.
The previously written entries with me bitching about my house guest are meaningless. I was acting out in frustration and angst because the friendship was not taking shape like I had hoped; and for my vapid shallow followers the expectation was simply friendship.
There in-lies the problem that there was an expectation.
So, I still will always move the earth for someone who is a friend. I will turn the wheel that makes the earth go round for that friend.
Unfortunately, he left and I do not recall a single ‘thanks’… but I may be wrong. More expectations seem to color the farewell and the reflection of the friendship is still in shadow. Basically, I still do not know where I stand with him and I guess I have to just accept it. It is what it is.
I am feeling very frustrated, exhausted, and drawn because life is simply not advancing. I am begrudgingly trotting along trying to make life work. If my frustrations are misdirected? If my reaction is acting out inappropriately, all I can do is be aware and apologize in advance. I’m glad I have projects and things to keep my busy – or I might go fucking nuts.

Well, it’s been a couple days since I admitted to something stupid here in the journal. We talked yesterday and my infraction is being treated like I bombed the WTC on my own. It’s way over the top. Considering our past history – one might not think it was such a big deal. Unless you really look at the facts.
I invited him into my house thinking he was my friend. Whatever that means to me and what ever it means to him might be two different things. Alas, I forgot that once before I asked him if he respected me. I never got an an answer. I started to see – that in reality – everything I am is almost completely disgusting to him.
Meh… you would think I would learn.
So, his accepting my invitation to stay here while here to get on his feet was just a means of use.  It’s not a friend here to help a friend anymore… I am just being used. I am yet another person’s carpet.
I’m not good at finding friends. I am not good at knowing how to maintain relationships. I have problems with friends, family and more. As far as Burners are concerned my relationships seem more solid, so what is the difference? Maybe I a deluded. But maybe radical inclusion is the only thing I can hold on to?

Someone had this posted
“Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that placein your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself.” – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

It may go without saying, or it might be the oldest saying there is, but it must be said. Now, I am going to hack this bitch up, but this is the general gist of what I am thinking:

“How can you expect to change your life unless you change what you’re doing for your life?”

See, hacked up. Basically I get caught up in routines and comfort zones. I’ve broken free of comfort zones for the most part and made excuses for others.
I have been SLOWLY focusing on changing parts of my life over the last couple years. I would like to say I am very different, but therein lay the delusion. As noted in previous entries as much as one changes one remains the same.
I am literally struggling day in and day out. I am really worried and having a hard time with WHERE I AM in life right now because I am that car that just came around the bend on a race track and hit a grease spot. That for the grace of God am I.
So why change? Why do anything different? What is so painful in life right now that is inspires anything but the same ol’ routine?
I am painfully lonely and as much as I try to hold on to certain friends in my life right now I never get  complete fulfillment. I love my Burners. Seriously, when I need a mood enhancement (not chemical or intoxicant) I can be with my Burners and find comfort.
But I need more. I woke up today after a few days of contemplation considering when does this become action? When does change react to a catalyst?

• This weight I have been carrying for 8 years has to go
• I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin
• I gotta stop bringing myself down
• I have to let go of the baggage of my childhood
• I need me

So, if I can maintain. If I can hold myself up. If I can accept. If I can find the inner strength,  new day begins. No one can help me. No one knows what I need to get there. I do not think anyone knows me well enough to make this journey securely; even myself.

     “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I am waking up on Tuesday feeling more like the blob than an action hero. I remember when – not so long ago – nothing could get in my way. I remember when my self confidence was like steel and other people’s negativity was like rubber bullets.
Somewhere I turned into this paper man carved out of a 1970’s brown grocery bag. In past blogs I blamed my father for a lot of this… but this deflation of me can’t be levied on anyone but myself. This inaction is a process of slowing down over the last year.
I live for my Burning Man stuff. I challenge myself with my little projects. I dream and fantasize about a better tomorrow… in the end I am sloth and I am envy.
Moments, like this in reflection, I feel so much disdain for myself. I feel my failure and my own ruin. And when I see those guys and women on the side of the road holding a sign begging for free money I feel a chill running through my bones.

So, tonight I had a nice conversation with buddy David who is staying with me temporarily. I asked a stupid question that started the dialog, but he gave me some insight and time to meditate on a challenge he presented me with.
See, I have been out of work (without a JOB) for quite a while and there are a lot of issues revolving around me really eroding my self confidence and my ability to focus. I am essentially drifting without a solid purpose.
My Burning Man activities have given me a sense of purpose, providing me something tangible to focus on. Career wise, I am still feeling really unable to rely on the education from the Art Institute to get me moving in my career. Do I blame them for graduating me without the needed skills? Do I blame myself for not obtaining those skills before departing?
Know me, my self confidence is in the dirt right now. Stagnant, I am unmotivated and drowning in my own self-pity. But David has inspired me and is giving me a chance to start considering a new journey.

So, I have been toying about another major renovation on my personal site, and here it is. Symbolism has always been something that appealed to me. Note the Tree of Life in the corner and the angel logo on the Burning Man section.
Now, maybe I can start contributing more and communicating better. Within the last week, we had gay-pride here and I realized I was really was further from the gay community than I should be. There is something to being involved. I certainly put a lot of myself into the Burning Man culture.
See, I have felt that most gays have been vapid and shallow. It’s a turn off to try and connect with someone and not have anything to hold on to. Perhaps my expectations were more selfish? Perhaps I expected too much? Yet, here I am single once again and this time – not so bad.
So, as the year drags on I am looking ahead for a sign post for my next journey. I need to figure that one out still.

I posted my project online and need to get the final paperwork off to Burning Man, but I am wondering if my partner is actually involved anymore. I invited him to join in and he added more dimension to the project. BUT, at this point I can’t see where I can count on anyone else to help make this come to life.

The link to the project.

ugh… I am drained. Talk more soon…