If you have not read yesterday’s blog, skip down and read it first.

I got a new phone today to replace the one lost into the blue abyss yesterday. My hand has been hurting since yesterday, too. I had some of that stuff on me and I worried I got poisoned from it or something like that. So, I asked my roommate (who is a plummer) and he told me probably not.

The comments I got on this adventure were hilarious. Even Uncle Eddie had to add his 2 cents.

Today, generally speaking, has been a horrible day and I am feeling shaky form the whole thing. I can;t say why. I have a headache and a generally bad mood. But, Kiyo and I are going out for dinner and I am looking forward to that above all things. yeah me!

so… I got back from Las Vegas today okay. It was a weird trip in some ways, but I am glad I went. My plane was late leaving SFO… which makes me wonder why they bother telling people what time that plane departs for LV because it has never once been on time anytime I flew it. … not the point though…

I got up at 4 am today (not that I could sleep anyway) to get to the airport and both my flights were right on time. Amazing! The flights were uneventful… lot’s of assholes being assholy… but what can you do??? Why are some people so inclined to act like such jerks????? (Shut up Adolfo, Woody, and a few others).

So… I go in to pee and “thunk” my phone dives right through the poop-shoot in the bottom of the toilet. There was no way I would have been able to get it. BUT! I tried. I actually put my hand down in there and felt wet, chunky water. Yes, I did.

I scrubbed my hands and gave up on ever seeing that phone again. I did not tell anyone… what is anyone gunna do? I could just see the big-mary’s face when I tell him and he says: you want it back now???? The answer is no. Can I afford a new phone??? no.

So, I am in class now with some dark blue stains on my skin. How nice! Wonder where that is from… stinky!

Annnnnnnnnnway… I saw Adolfo and Woody on this trip and missed everyone else. BUT, I had virtually no time to dawdle. I was pinched every moment I was in LV. I have barely slept in the last 3 days and my bitch ass is tired.

OMG he is just so fucking hot and sexy. hmmm….!

This is my Uncle Eddie… also known as the Eggman (www.edwardeggman.com) yo! This is him on any typical day chillin out in front of the house. I snapped a shot of him looking all sexy and stuff. not…

Another week down the shaft… 2 weeks into this new school and I am now certain that the adviser at the school made his program out to be something more than what it really was. He had me so frustrated that I was nearly ready to drop out of the program. In fact, I am considering it still.

I find Portland very comfortable in spite of the very odd population living here. There are a LOT of people who don;t shower. I mean some hot looking people who are some seriously deluded pigs. Not fat… I mean scanky hair action, dirt layered on their skin, and STINKY. AND NOT in bad areas, I mean in the best area of this city called the Pearl.

I’m in the Pearl daily because that is where my school is… so far life keeps taking me to this part of the city. I got lost and checked out other parts of the city and am ready to explore.

Yes, I sound happier today. I’m not bi-polar or anything like that. I’ve had days when I feel really lonely and dark on the inside and there are days when I am not. Granted, there are other factors.

I’m not a lost cause yet.

There are some days when I walk around and I feel like there is nothing inside of me. As I walked to school this morning from my distant parking spot… I had some time for inner reflection. I’ve had a lot of time for that lately and I see myself in ways that I seem to lose site of often. I get caught up in the dramas of the world and I let other people influence me too much.

In that, and with the events of recent years, I also discovered that my self esteem has really sunk. I was a good looking guy who had confidence and assurance. Along the way for reasons I have a hard time grasping I seem to keep running into walls. Forget all the people that keep telling me I’m not good enough… forget that I felt Adolfo kept me back from doing things… forget some of the stupid shit I did to earn money… forget any assignment of blame. Because in the end there is only me.

I came to Oregon for a change. I’ve been given a change of perspective. The emptiness I feel is that its time to just give up. I feel so empty and I feel like all the dreams I had for the future are disintegrating. As I get older those accomplishments and those desires are fading away. Along with my looks and my youth… all those things get further away. This is what happens when someone who is attractive in their youth gets older and sees life’s benefits sinking out of reach.

I also keep making huge mistakes in judgment and am left feeling god-smacked and then unable to recover enough to be the close to where I was before. Even now I feel like I am standing here scratching my ass over this move. I never imagined running out of money this fast or not having anything coming in. Already I have run into a lot of barriers that almost had me packing up and leaving a couple times over.

Still… here I am in school trying to learn something I am uncertain I have the capacity for? It’s amazing that I have maintained this grade point average of 3.6 and 3.7??? I get it. I’m not in a position to apply it in a lot of circumstances. I guess that is just another barrier.

So… if anyone takes anything dramatic out of this I am not suicidal or anything like that so get over that.

So, I drove into Portland today to take care of some personal business and in spite of my google maps driving plan I got really lost. I drove through the City Center of Portland. It is so beautiful. The city looks great and I can;t wait to explore it better.

Believe it or not,I was so lost that I found what I was looking for. I ended up on a road that I could not turn around on and after driving on and on I ended up right where I needed to be.

Roads and streets are lined with pine trees and green green stuff everywhere. As opposed to Las Vegas where there are dead things everywhere.

Now, I have been trying to achieve some romance here. It’s been a disaster extreme. I met a guy who I really liked; he was so ideal that it was unreal. He was the definition of what I lust for: 25 years old, skinny, asian and smooth, slight hair, and hot naked! Anyway, he suddenly freaked out on me when we talked about dating after seeing each other for much of 2 weeks and left me cold.

Almost every attractive (what I think is attractive) guy I come across on the net has some kind of hangup or whatever. Event though words like LTR, relationship, and commitment come up on the ads or postings it seems like they really want is an Ambercrombie and Fitch Model with a 2 ft long cock and is on some kind of anti-depression meds. give me a creak…

I’ll get out there more. I’ll meet someone nice, normal, and less baggage. Right?

what sucks is when I have to admit Adolfo is right. we talked on the phone today and he pointed out to me saying: “you know we are not together anymore, right?” Yeah, tiger – I know. I miss him and I enjoyed his company a lot as we were together, but the end of our relationship was a decision we seemed to mutually agree on. I know he was unhappy for a variety of reasons and so was I. So, we’re clear…

What sucks is he was right about a lot of things and knows me really well. I am seeing that moving to Portland the way I did was a huge mistake. I thought it out okay, but the landing was… well… it’s like that gymnast that misses the beam and takes it to the crotch.

I need work. I need a job. I need friends. I need a social life. I need to go out for dinner and have a cocktail. It will come together… it must!

BTW: If you’re reading this and are thinking about dating me, close now!

I’ve had a headache the whole day. I stared my homework late this morning and got through some of it. Meant to be more ahead of the whole business by now. As usual my distractions got the best of me.

My mom called earlier today asking me questions about the job search. Not like I don’t have a ton of things on my mind already, but she is just so off the mark. “She worries for me”…. yet neither of my parents are really supportive. Not to get me wrong, I think they respect the decision I made but not the way I went about it. Both of them aren’t thrilled.

Yet, I am still trying to get squarely on my feet and I am not excluding any resource for it. I am very lonely and have literally spent too much time looking to make connections and really making none. I talk to people on-line and have been interested in a couple here and there, but it just fizzles faster than limp weenie. ew…

The day after I got here I met a guy that was just too much to believe. He was amazing, but young. Too young! He hung out a lot then got freaked out and vanished on me. I was fine with it because he was only 25 which means he was a whole adult younger than I.

I hate being alone. Yes, I have my uncle and cousin right upstairs but it’s not the same. Those two are entrenched in their lives and they have opened the door to me 120% – ya know – and I … I still feel lonely.

Adolfo was really awesome company over the years and we meshed well while we were together. I miss him, ya know, but so much has changed. I feel like I need to go through this, but this is friggin’ hard. I will survive and I will flourish.

Nobody read this who find me attractive, because this diary will ruin it. xo!

i am in school again as i write this… between classes. i am trying to do things that improve life here in portland… i.e. get a job or some source of income. so, i am trying to use every resouerce i can… just trying to get something i am not going to hate or be miserable in. my goal is NOT to be that way… so it helps not to apply for those kinds of jobs?

i am in school for a lot of the day. this morning’s class was Typography2 which looks like it’s going to be a smooth class and I’ll enjoy it. the instructir is dull as dishwater but what can I say… can’t complain. no point in it, i’d say.

next i have some digital design class and i am still uncertain what all of that will involve. but, hopefully i can keep up. i have a feeling i will be missing some things from AiLV. i have since discovered i am missing a lot of things that i should have learned there. NOW! keep in mind tis is what i am being told by my advisor but i have seen no real evidence.

my tuesday class is a beginning programming class. the language is python which should provide me the groundwork for learning javascripting next. i’m going to take whatever i can from here.

i am thinking about all of that, too. i am considering the idea of picking up and moving back to las egas within the next year to finish my degree there. see, there are issues going along with that. you need 180 units to graduate from here and 192 units to graduate from there. it’s all about the regions.

oh, i had dinner at the Whole Foods market acrosss the street. I had curried chicken and rice with something called a samosa. the samose was good but the chicken was way bland. way bland.

at this point i am writing just to pass the time because class does not begin until 6. it’s 5:30 according to the clock on this MAC computer… i am just sitting here pretneding i am talking about my favorie subject to Deb over lunch. What’s my favorite subject… oh Deb knows. ME: you silly bitches!

i’ll post more another time when i have less time on my hands… yeah right. look!!! i have been posting amost nightly and no one cares… BWAAAAAAAAAAH! cow!