I think the pic I posted on my last entry might give some people the vapors (Deb), so here is a new one. She’ll like this one. …so when I was up last night I was feeling pretty bad about a lot of things and had mixed feelings on others. I’m finding the second half of 2007 very difficult and disturbing, because there are things in life I need and am not getting them. What am I doing wrong? What have I done that has been so wrong?

Yes, I have been self destructive with a lot of bad choices. Yes, I managed not to appreciate a lot of things I had. Yes, I have a lot of regrets… prolly not the same regrets people might assume I have.

So, it’s past the middle of the month and looking ahead to my bills right now is looking very bleak. I am sinking… sinking badly and will not ask to borrow anymore money. Between my mom and Adolfo I’ve borrowed more than I ever imagined to stay afloat.

“You are not one who particularly likes structure, dear Capricorn, but know that you probably need it more than anyone else. Today would be a good one to take an honest look at your life and see what kind of adjustments need to be made in order for you to keep it all in control. Discipline is a key element to this day. Try to stay focused and not get distracted by your fluctuating emotions.“

So, as I was writing I decided to check my horoscope on MSN and it seems to fit where I am at in my head. MSN horoscope is weirdly accurate. So, I have another interview tomorrow and another exercise in humility that I hope will blossom into something positive.

See me on eBay “scotters66” trying to earn some rent money!

I remember when…

I am too wound up to go to bed right now. So, earlier today I took the wayward puppy over to a local vet who will make an effort to find a home for him. He’s a sweet dog and has a lovely face. His eyes are brilliant which made it hard to take him over there. I was worried that I might get attached… Tom on the other hand seems more comfortable being the only dog in the house.

As for me I am getting by, but just barely right now as I am still not working and have not had a single cent come in since being back. I am so broke and am getting worried about the end of the month…. especially since the month is already half over. I know there is SOME money planned for next month… but I need it now.

If you read the “Anger Management” entry either from the beginning of this month then you saw all the crap my cousin pissed on me in an e-mail she sent. You can hardly imagine that I was using them? Ugh… I vomit. Now I am back here and my bills, rent and other expenses are nearly double. At least I have people here and am closer to my real family.

It kills me. I’m killing myself. I’ve struggled to be a a good person and tried to live life the way I thought it was supposed to be. It keeps beating me in the face, then it turns around and acts like we’re BFF’s … here I go vomiting again! Fucking hell shit damn fuck piss shit and more shit!!!!!

When I moved to Oregon I met someone whom I fell for; feelings were felt and life was giving me a easy road – as it were. I mean I had no job for 3 months and I was making money off of some local guy who prolly had a crush on me and all I was doing in the end was taking advantage of the guy. My work for him turned into dinners here and there and I guess that made me his whore. I was so stressed and all I wanted was to get my life in order. Whatever…

Meanwhile, I moved back to LV thinking I could find work here, be closer to friends, be closer to family, and live some semblance of a normal life without Adolfo and I in the relationship we had before. I get here and all the shit I never dealt with with our breakup came to the surface a little and that caused some raw feelings.

I figured out a lot of things in the last four months.

• I am an asshole – or least I have been and I got away with it because I WAS WAS WAS a good looking guy and people dealt with it. That’s passed!
• I found out many "friends" were not really friends after all. They were fuck buddies or people who had no respect for me at all. They were sharp edged pieces on a rusty charm bracelet.
• Some of my friends are too far away. I’ve moved, they moved, the world changed, some be married and some be lost… Chippy and Sam are lost.
• Adolfo is someone I still love a lot and as much as I love him I can’t be around him. His words are often impatient and cutting. I find myself feeling bad about myself around him.
• I’m single now and alone. I might not make it this time.

Well, I met someone here who is prolly going to hurt me in a couple weeks; who will fade out of my life, who will leave me feeling more alone than usual. His name is Alex and he is beautiful. I told him he like a young Antonio Banderas and he laughed at me… he came over one day thinking it was going to be a toss in the hay but I told him I wasn’t going to be anyone’s “puto” and invited him back fro dinner that night. I made a ravioli; real ravioli. He wants to come back. But he will leave me.

Today I was sitting in the hall at school having just finished talking to mom on the phone. After the call I just sat there feeling numb all over. I felt like I was invisible and watching people walking by. Imagine the ground beneath you is like a stack of glass plates. A plate shatters and the whole stack drops a little like the foundation of the earth cracking. That was how I felt that moment. I was numb to the core and shaken. All I could do was sit there stunned until it was time for class to start.

Is it worth it? Ask yourself that alone and away from everyone when you need to. I’m still wondering…

“Today is a day for celebration, dear Capricorn. There is a positive, loving energy in the air. Don’t hesitate to open a bottle of champagne tonight simply in thanks of being alive. And if you really think about it, there is no shortage of reasons for throwing a get-together or party. Don’t hesitate to surround yourself with the people that you love the most in the world and sharing this wonderful warm energy with them.” – if todays horoscope reflected anything I could wrap my head around I would be satisfied.

My stress level is way up there and yesterday was a day I could have skipped… not that it was awful but man I wish I could feel like I was on the right path in life.

An interesting turn of events… I ended up with another mouth to feed and an attitude to deal with having picked up a stray beasty.

He can’t stay, but I put a notice on CraigsList that I had him and walked around hoping someone would recognize him… bottom line I still have him. He’s young and perky, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and cute. He needed training and I started working with him a little and he’s picking stuff up. My temporary name for him is Pixel.
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I took some pictures off my camera that I left there and found the ones of my car. When I was loading it in Portland to move back down last month, it became damaged in areas that aren’t especially visible.

The scoopy nosey thing on the car got all scraped and dented… ugh! I was too much in a hurry and frazzled to get too upset back there. I figured it out and got it on the trailers and just got my ass moving. Then, there is a guard on the bottom that got seriously bent and wedged into a thing on the trailer… so when I changed the position of the trailer I could move it and load is safely. What a pain in the butt.

My gas mileage was almost 1/3 better up there – ya know that? I was impressed. My oil life was strongly extended as well, unless there is something wrong with the car? And speaking of which… my Toaster (nickname for my car; a silver 2007 Honda Element) is suffering at my hand! A rock flew off one of those big trucked and dented my front bumper. Someone hit my car with their hand or something and put a dent in the back. Ugh, this is a great car and I’m a bad bad bad owner.

Speaking of which, I had to take Tom to his Ophthalmologist (yes, he has his own) and his left eye was really swollen. He’s on a bunch of meds and I hope this takes care of it. His Glaucoma flared up just after we moved to Oregon. Ugh! Looks like I’m not so good at taking care of things.

“Appreciate the good things you have in your life today, dear Capricorn. Don’t let another day go by without sitting down and really paying homage to the people who have helped you grow along the way. Go outside and take a walk. Climb a tree or help a young child build a tree house. Connect with the spiritual side of you that finds satisfaction in where you are now, instead of always feeling a need to search for something bigger and better.” … and I do it everyday.

Good or bad, I can see the contributions people have unwittingly played in making me who and what I am today. Yes, there are a lot of assholes in the world and I think I managed to meet 25% of them. In the gay world, there seems to be a concentration of said personality types. Not bitter, it’s just a Will&Grace world out there.

There have been a lot of people out there that have surprised me with their good hearts. So I can never be angry about people over-all. I try and see the positive as much as I can… in spite of the nose on my face. God, I hope <<< that makes sense to someone out there. …and btw I’m still not working… kill me!

“Your dreams work out quite nicely in your head, dear Capricorn, but the problem now is turning them into some sort of real life scenario. Be careful of taking too much of an intellectual approach. When it comes to relationships, things don’t normally happen logically or rationally. You are going to have to leave a great deal up to chance, so just learn to deal with things as they come.” My horoscope yesterday was very similar to this one. Apparently the Universe sees me as my head is in the clouds. Well, that might not be so far from the truth.

Sunday was a rough day, felt really depressed with the weight of the world on my shoulders unable to shake it. I wanted to go out and go to the bust at Charlies because it is a cheap escape for the day. But I could not see myself being able to put on a mask and enjoy it. That’s me, ya know, my feelings and issues seem to hang right near the surface. Prol’y means I could never play poker, huh?

The job hunt has been a challenge because nothing is going easy. People say they have a job for me, but I could travel around the world before words are anything more than verbal diarrhea. Meanwhile my finances are becoming more and more strained… oh wait… I have no more money left. So, I guess I needn’t worry about a thing!

I am so annoyed. This year has sucked so bad.

I think that means next year is going to be good, right?

“Don’t let yourself be manipulated by needy friends, dear Capricorn! With today’s planetary energies, it’s a good time to think about setting clear boundries. You know which friends are there for you and “bring you up,” and you know which friends tend to drain all of your time and energy with problem after problem after problem, constantly needing your immediate attention. Try just saying no. You really can’t fix someone else’s life for them anyway. Think about it.“

Wow, this horoscope hits home…. but mostly from the past. On the other hand, there is a lot of currently relevant. Unfortunately I can only comment so much because ….though some of the people this brings into mind hardly (if ever) read this diary the same people would take it way too personal. Ugh…

YES… believe it or not I do censor myself to some degree.

“You’ll probably encounter a bit of opposition along with today’s planetary energies, dear Capricorn. Even those who are usually right behind you will seem to be uncooperative. Try not to let this phase you too much. Resolve to follow through with your own instincts and work alone if need be. Once you’ve had a chance to advance your ideas further along on your own, you can present them again tomorrow.“

I just read my horoscope and it seems to be on target once more. I am trying hard not to get into a space where I am wallowing in any form of depression… but truth be told things have been going positively. I have had at least one interview a day since I got back (except the weekend) and hope that leads to work as quickly as possible.

I decided I needed to work on AchtungMediaDesign today. I’m faced with a reality where I have a lot of doubts about my abilities right now… I have so much more to learn. On top of all that, I am wondering who is going to hire me? I’m just too old for companies right now and I will have to work on my own and build something.

On top of all that, I have to consider that I am playing too many instruments at one time. Chef? Web Designer? Graphic Artist? Restaurateurs? In a way all these things CAN work together but I have so far to go. Ugh!

Part of me thinks if I quit going to school and studied on my own I could do so much better. I am enjoying school, to a degree, but man is this stressing me out.

ugh…

“A public gathering of some kind could attract you and your family tonight, dear Capricorn. Perhaps you’ll arrange to meet some friends there. You may feel good just being out with those you love, but you’re likely to be tired by the end of the event. Make sure you fortify yourself with nourishing food during the day. Take care of yourself so that you can have some fun.“

A person has to have a liberal concept of what these horoscopes mean. ‘Money is in your future’ could mean I’ll find a nickel on the ground walking around or hit 4-Kings on a poker machine. Either way, its all relative.

The gathering could be my trip to Charlies bar last night where I hung out with Sergio and another nice guy; friend to Serg… but it was great just hanging out. No expectations, no needs, no concerns and was out of the house for a couple hours.

Tonight is the first night back to school for this quarter. Portland Ai was a huge huge mistake. I am a b+ to a student and this asshole gave me a D for a class that I thought I did reasonable well in. It kills me that if a student is doing so badly that he/she is unawares of that the instructor might say something. Basically, he let me walk of a short pier on a foggy night… asshole!!!!! I am so pissed. I got a C in another class… I don’t deserve it because I tried hard, but it was difficult and I can sorta see where the C comes from.

I have not received much feedback on the “Anger Management” entry and I was hoping to see more … like comments on the diary itself. However, a couple people told me what they thought. Curious, huh?

“Sometimes your daydreaming may lead you way out of your body into a place well beyond time and space, dear Capricorn. Your romantic nature wants to escape into this plane and never touch back down to the real world. Feel free to take a giant step toward that which tickles your fancy. Take the more lofty approach and encourage others to share your dreams, instead of letting them weigh you down.“

Wow, today’s horoscope is interesting. It is a true statement that I can get lost in the great idea over the reality that there is a lack of leverage in order to achieve that goal. Like opening a restaurant: a goal I have striven through over the last 6+ years.

So, the apartment is back in some order and its homey. I went running off into the night last night with Woody. We had a mission – go to the California border and buy lottery tickets. We got there at the stroke of 8pm… when they were locking the doors. Ha ha ha…. so – we really went out there so he could eat at McDonalds.

The other day I had lunch with DebW and over burgers on an impromptu lunch. It was good catching up with the woooman.

It was nice getting together with friends again.

“Look for healthy ways to express any anger you’re feeling today, dear Capricorn. While emotions are not always something that we can control, how we express and deal with them is. How do you handle anger? Do you communicate effectively or wind up stuffing your emotions? Do you sometimes take your frustration out on others? Take a look at your coping skills today to see if there aren’t new ways to handle emotions you haven’t tried yet. Search the web or find a book. There’s a lot of information to be had.”

My horoscope caught me by surprise today. Odly, I felt very off all day long. Being here is not unlike feeling like being squeezed in a vice. People around me all day were just working my nerves so hard and I just could not release the tesnion. Adolfo came by and helped me get situated.

Oh, by the way… I am back in Las Vegas.

I am away from Oregon. The reason I left was WAS WAS originally that I could not find work and sustain a living without borrowing money or begging people I had no right to bug. I went up there and tried to find work in technology while I was going to school. One thing got in the way of another and I ended up flying back to Vegas to work a couple of times and so it just seemed clear I was really earning money in … yes you got it… Vegas.

As it happened, the uncle I have sung praises about and built a web site to worship for his art had a serious freakout and started saying I was angry all the time (ironic considering the beginning of this post) and laid into me one night after I had been working all day… I had not seem him in days… this was just wierd.

Eddie locked himself in his room and refused to even look at me. I told them in the beginning of September that I needed to move out. I had been telling them since July that if I could not find work that I was moving out. I went up there with every intention of staying. But the Twilight Zone of houses was getting out of control.

Diane, my cousin, was the voice between Eddie and I and man was that girl making up stories. She took situations she jacked up and turned them into some possesed meladrama.

On Tuesday I got up, vacuumed the house, cleaned, took out the trash, took out recyclables, pittered around and was in and out of the truck. So around 8:30 I was finished. Aldermans of Sherwood were all still in bed. SO I just left. This is Diane’s email to me:

From Diane Alderman of Sherwood, Oregon (my meth addict cousin):
” this is Diane, you sneak out in the morning letting my cat out, and you know if you are so self fucking righteous and you think you are in the right, and didn’t do any thing wrong, you wouldn’t of have felt the need to be a sneaky LYING COCKSUCKER! you ran away you loser! I stood up for you, and I was too understanding even though I thought different about the whole thing . Thou protestith too much. You had to justify it for yourself because you knew you were screwing us over! I still cant believe I took your bullshit lying. Do you know how many times I heard on the radio and saw in the newspaper for looking for a chef. I knew you were lying about looking for a job, everybody knows that there is plenty of chef jobs here. You are just a 40 year old loser who cant be without a boyfriend and still sucking off your mom’s tit. Ifyou really did live for yourself, you would have had a career years ago. Instead you hide behind school and drama. you cause it every where you go. now I know why other family doesn’t want any thing to do with you! and dad did not say you could leave early , he did not say yes or no , he just didn’t think you would be stupid enough to do that, and we were almost positive that you were not the kind of person the FUCK FAMILY OVER. one of the worst things is that you act like this wasn’t a big deal AND YOU KNOW IT WAS HUGE TO US. I got sucked in by your bullshit, NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! and guess what asshole, you didn’t give RMS a 30 day notice and that’s what counts in courts ! And we did not agree to this and you know it! You signed a lease with rms for a year and you were suppose to pay the 500 dollars for your dog, and we layed our neck on the fucking line for you again, to pay small portions to help you out! And SURPRISE you didn’t pay it! ! You signed a legal document with rms ,Idon’t know what dreamland your living in and Karma is going to get you and I cant wait, we let you get away with so much! I treated you like family and you treated us like strangers , and you shouldn’t even treat strangers like that ! We know know that you are a pathological LIAR & con, I should have not of been like family and understanding because I was understanding a lye,an d IKnew your lying, but I wanted everybody to be happy and let this be easy, because I actually thought you wouldn’t fuck us and the bills you figured out and sneaked it up here and you left because you knew you owed us so much more, And we know why you didn’t call rms, because you were hoping that we would just pay for your screw ups! Guess what we are not you know we couldn’t and what a hard time we have been through and you still did the worst thing at the absolute worst time. When you demanded me to make brownies for you I smiled and did it, and then you had the balls to tell me to shove the brownies up my ass because I am making you fat! That right there sums you up you are manipulative and you are a pro at turning things around on the people who don’t deserve it . You thrive on drama and lies, and you sure did clean up here, You made dad and I physically Ill, because of your bullshit lies and drama. You are the type of person to offer a ride to Washington to pick up a fiancé and when that person says we might sight see or see family you don’t even ask if there was any way that we could do that another time you just act like a 5 year old and turn around. You are a sick person, And when dad calmly talks to you about you yelling at me and calling me a bitch and a cow. you yelled that in the neighborhood all of the time. And you don’t think dad had a right to say something, You even finally told me that he was right and that you weren’t all joking, that you do hate women and its not my fault that Iam a woman.I f you read this and still think that you are right, I feel sorry for you, You are in deep denial and you will never change, You are not my family. family doesn’t do what you do! And you know you hurt us you hurt us and said it was no big deal, after this I don’t ever want to hear from you think of you or see you. YOU ARE NOT FAMILY! lATER AND GOODBYE TO YOUR LIES! you probably let our cat on purpose and we coulnt find him anywhere, and you know how much he means to me he is the only thing I have left from aaron my boyfriend that died, the only person you care about is yourself, I have never met anyone as selfish as you. You probably evjoyed every second of us stressed out and hurt because of what you did. I said it once and ill say it again you are sick and you need help! Oh ya and don’t you dare and play the gay card, you know we took you in with open arms and love, instead you shit on us and make our financial situation horrible , YOU STILL OWE MONEY DEPOSIT FOR YOUR DOG, you could have paid it and stayed like a grownup and stuck things out, We were so good to you and you know dad only got angry when you said Im moving out it s no big deal and you would string us along saying oh I don’t know if im moving I might stay and you knew you were going to leave , we did nt know what to do if you say you might stay how do we know to look for roomates. Y ou are manipulative and such a liar! You said that you also want to move because this is too much of a religious state! another lie and justification, You know this os the most liberal states and barely religious, its funny even you believe your own lies!!!!!!!!!!”