I wrote my family telling them that there is no reason to hold grudges or take sides following the fall-out between the Sherwood-Aldermans and myself (my uncle and cousin). I moved out of their house 95% because I could not find a job up there and felt like I was in a very slippery slope.

Life in Oregon was very different and there were a lot of pluses, but bottom line I was not making any money.

Upon a lot of reflection and seeing where I am now v. where I was then financially and mentally I am better off here for now. I’m working, getting good pay, going to school (which is costing me much less than up there), and live by myself.

In the beginning of August some time I came home from a temp job I was working to hear that either Eddie or Diane had come done from their place complaining about bill money or rent or something; it was something I already talked to Eddie about. Well, my room mate was upset because HE was being asked for money he did not owe. I explained I was under a financial crunch and it was during this conversation that I explained that if I was still not working I was going to have to move out.

I was a little pissed when I talked to Eddie, but the conversation went all sideways. He said I was being abusive to Diane who had complained to him and I was stunned. If I was being mean to her in anyway she should say something to me; this girl has the cajones to speak up (see her letter in September’s diary). Diane admitted complaining about it and eventually she started joking about it a lot.

Well, Eddie started locking himself in his room and would turn his back on me, refusing to address me. This went on through August.

None the less, there was no job and virtually no money coming in. I had a job in Las Vegas to cook for someone and flew to LV; while there I had a job interview at a local software company that left me thinking they were going to offer me a job. So when I went back on Labor Day weekend I announced I was moving out October 1st.

Eddie was still refusing to speak with me and Diane was starting more shit… she was the voice between Eddie and I. Diane jerked me around over a trip to Seattle and told her dad I was being an asshole again… I was through. The problem was… I was in no position to complain nor was I able to tell Diane or Eddie exactly what I thought.

I smiled and was friendly. I owed them bill money and had to get all that situated along with my other obligations to Norm (the room mate) as well as them. So I crunched oout all the bills and found out Eddie has really screwed up the bills he was passing on to me. Each one was a threat to shut them off.

I was all too much so I managed to stay so busy til the end and packed it all up again. It was HELL… I swear to almighty God I was in hell. Moving back after all that was miserable. I left the house at 8:30 in the morning and all were still asleep; which is easy when no one has a job and keeping themselves on earth with meth and anti-depressants.

AM I putting someone else’s dirty laundry out there? Maybe… maybe I am crossing the line with saying all this. The thing is I can;t hold Eddie at fault in anyway, even if he did betray me. He kept telling me “we’re family” over and over and said we would get through it together, but as soon as it got hot I found out how much family I was. 2 months of refusing to speak to me it was time to make a decision. Mondo had the fortune to be 1000 miles away trying to make a living for them.

With Diane’s insane behavior I was always waiting for the shoe to drop or the knife to cut me in the back one more time. Mondo is a sweet, loyal, strong guy with a lot to offer someone and I just don;t understand why he stays in that shit storm up there. But maybe it is a testament to him in keeping his love and loyalty to Diane. That’s a nice thing.

That’s the story… most of it anyway. Read the other entry for more!

“You’ll be full of ideas for improving your lifestyle, dear Capricorn, especially as it relates to your family. It is true that over the past few months you have experienced some material hardships. You can breathe easier now because, whether it is for your career or your home, today’s initiatives are likely to bring great rewards. Take advantage of the atmosphere to put together a realistic plan for the future…“

I went over to Adolfo’s for dinner yesterday… well, let me clarify. I talked to Adolfo a few days ago about us getting together and though the original plan was to have a group of us go to Carols for dinner. I would cook. Well, I put together an awesome dinner at my place and rolled it over to Adolfo’s where 4 of us (me, Adolfo, Carol, and Tom-the-Dog) went and ate.

Menu
– Boneless turkey flattened and rolled willed with freshly chopped herbs.
– Yams in a cinnamon and brown sugar syrup.
– Cheddar cheese mashed potatoes.
– Stuffing
– Fresh cranberry – orange sauce (whole berries)

Last night I dashed out to a new local gay bar with John… I have not seen him in six months and it was good to hang. The bar, on the other hand, was decent but the crowd was a little more dodgy than I preferred. It’s in a horrible neighborhood and caters to locals… bad neighborhood+locals=dodgy crowd.

hmmm… xo

“Deep inside, don’t you have an urge to breathe a new spirit into your love life? But of course, some things are more easily said than done. Currently, you don’t have much time to devote to yourself, much less your partner. Doubtless, mutual affection could thrive if given half a chance. The day suggests that you commit yourself to making some decisions that will help bring you and your mate closer…”

yeah… tru

The holidays are finally getting here and with it… schedules and life takes turns unexpected. It’s good and bad in ways, because it changes life’s pace. As of this week I am working again and getting a salary at a level I could hardly have imagined in the kind of work I am doing. I’ll be making nearly a $K more per month than I was making at the Venetian… which means I should be able to get caught up with bills soon and get my shit together.

I graduate from school with my BS in about 15 months, but at least my art work is taking shape. I am hoping my sites will improve with some of the coding classes I am planing on taking next quarter.

Maybe I am not nearly as neurotic as some of my previous entries suggest, huh? Especially the ones over the last 6 months. It feels good to be working again although my schedule is really busy. Well, honestly, I like being busy.

Still, I am trying to get caught up on bills and all right now. Money is still an issue and I am worried about all of it. It goes out as fast as it comes in and that sucks. Well, isn’t that life….

How does everyone like the new design? Holy frejoles peeps…. leave a comment below. It’s funny (no funny ha-ha, but weird-funny) how emotions inside me are so turbulent. There are days, especially when I am driving somewhere, when I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest. It’s an empty feeling and it’s like I am moving through life like a ship without sails.

Last night my instructor showed a portion of a movie where a bunch of people were being killed by some monster thing… these are the kinds of movies I do not watch… and it just left me feeling really really sad. I mean, I just don;t get this stuff.

But my emotions are something that get away from me a little here and there, but they are still mine and I can still bring myself out of the fog when I need to.

As much in the muck as I was for a while last night, I went to pick Deb up from the air port with a smile and a lighter heart. So, obviously I am still in some control. I plan on seeing a therapist as soon as I can get one into my schedule. Maybe I’ll have benifits when I start this job on Thursday? But the last 6 months have really beaten me into a new/different outlook.

By the end of October, I was in such a bad emotional place that I was very near the point… well… let’s say life (as it were) was starting to look very … [I can’t seem to find the words to say what I want to say]

Heavy-Sigh… Have I depressed the fuck out of you yet? Are there any readers left?

Let’s talk about Dating in this town? Let’s talk about Adolfo? argh… nah.

Prayers to you all… ciao babies

Deb and I went out for a bite last night and had pizza. We went to Metro Pizza which is one of the better and nicer parlors in this city. Well, until short while ago my stomach and bowels stopped hurting… oh my hell.

Yes, the food made me sick. I’m not sure if it was bad pepperoni or too much fat in the food. My liver does not like fatty food… it’s not a happy thing.

1. i updated the site and I think I killed all the bugs
2. i took a job offer and should start next week. happy me.

I can’t wait for school to get over with. Man, it is sucking the life out of me.

Sorry I do not have a lot to say. I have things to do tonight, ya know. xo all!

I have not made an entry in a while. In honor of Deb, we went out for a bite tonight. So, I have to makes notes. We just went over to Paymons for Mediterranean food. I had a falafel and she had half of a cow. In fairness she thought she was ordering something much smaller but this IDIOT waiter that was there … oh he was awful.

Well, I ended up updating BookOfUriel.Com with some art I had been fussing with over the last couple days and I wanted to play with one of the scripts I was using in the gallery pages. All of that is in much better shape now.

There was a new energy in the air this month… I felt it. In spite of mom’s b-Day on the 1st, the smell of moolah is finally coming my way in the universe. Thank God!!!! I’m behind in my bills a little, but the sum I made this month will help catch me up a little bit.

Let’s just say some good things are in the air. I am very happy about that for sure. Mom can relax a bit and everyone whose tit I have been sucking from on the last 6 months can also breath with great relief. hmmmmm….

Deb left here a couple of hours ago staggering drunk and with a fist full of cheesecake and raw fruit. She stumbled and rolled in the grass, but after I picked her up covered with freshly laid cow poop, she spit out some grass blades and climbed into her car.

Not really… ha ha ha. Deb reads the blogs and did some back research seeing that there is 5.5 years of mindless, meaningless rambling on this site. I’m so damn funny.

In recent days I have been feeling very dark inside and there have been influences around me that seemed to be pushing me further into darkness. I told Debbie about the feelings I was experiencing and some of the places I was going and she got upset.

Yesterday I was having a horrible day. School went okay in the morning, but I blew off my afternoon class because I was just needing to focus on my homework. So I hid out and worked on that, plus I had to get some items I sold on eBay off into the mail. People are such assholes… ugh! The people that bought from me on eBay were shits, but I had to give them good feedback anyway. Fuckers!

My mood darkened and yet I had plans on meeting Adolfo for dinner when he got off work. I wanted to talk with him about us, because I still don’t feel like there is any closure… even for 6 months later. I was already upset over some stupid things that went on and he made some comments that played to my sensitive side; I ended up getting up and leaving in a bitch storm. That went to shit…

Well, when I am really upset I don’t speak. I clam up and escape… which is what I did. I have not heard from him since. I left him standing in the parking lot.

My feelings are pretty raw right now and I do not know what they are. I have no money and I have no real resources that I can grip on to. I was really slipping but mom came to my rescue… again. I hope she does not think that this is all a waste… but I will pay her back.

NOTE: I finished reworking www.achtungmediadesign.com as well as www.myspace.com/achtungmediadesign that needed a maturity update. I am constantly trying to work design ideas and was inspired by another artist… but damn my art did not look anything like his.

Fuck.

Is there a point when one has done everything they can in life and looks out seeing nothing in front of them. For friends who say I am being a drama queen fuck you. “Friends” who don’t want to get involved fuck you too. “Friends” who won’t face me with things they are upset about… fuck you again. Aw, fuck…

“Things may seem a bit surreal for you today, dear Capricorn, so don’t take other people’s chatter too seriously. Today is a day to reach out and touch someone. Pick up the phone and dial it. It is a good day to share your dreams with others, despite how far-fetched they may sound. Others may look at you as if you have three heads, but as long as you are being honest with yourself, there is no reason for you to be shy about sharing.” – no relevance here… i think. I thought yesterday’s horoscope was still showing and I thought it was more relevant.

Today was a sucky day until this evening rolled around. I should have taken a picture. I made dinner for guests tonight. Funny how I can make a nice meal with no money. So I made my ravioli with some shrimp I picked up saute in a brown butter topped with sliced steak and some sauted orange peppers. Yum… my remaining bottles from my old wine of the month club is dwindling in supply. We knocked out 2 bottles tonight.

Deb came over and we kibbitzed a while, then Alex came by with gal-pal “Sol”… and it was really nice. Alex brought me a bunch of flowers and a cake for desert! Sweet!

Everyone left at 10 and I am getting ready to work for the next few days. I’m just pooped right now. Too much bloody wine…

…ON ANOTHER SUBJECT… I finally heard from Chippy! That cow finally resurfaced and said he read the diary and it sounded like I was wallowing in self-pity. FUCK… I hate wallowing in self pity! I have done that a few times in the past… I should stop all that. SUCKS that I am in the predicament that I am in… sucks man!

“Your emotions are charged with fury today, dear Capricorn, and you might feel explosive. Make sure you find healthy outlets for this energy, and put it to good use. Direct your action outward, and notice the incredible impact that you have on others. Your intuition is a special gift that you should treasure and use wisely. Not everyone has the sensitive nature that you do.” – at first I thought this meant anger. Like explosions of anger for whatever reason, but maybe it’s more regret and sadness? Those moments hit me sometimes and are overwhelming. The weird thing is what triggers it. Last night’s Chef Ramsey triggered a serious waterfall. I was literally doubled over for a couple minutes.

These days are filled with mixed blessings. There are some people who see me a certain way and do not realize I am really a very sensitive person… and not the schizophrenic kind. I literally have prayed nightly since I was a teenager (accept when not alone; because this was always a private thing), but I am outing myself in here because I feel different inside and am going through some kind of transition.

I am also going to admit something… sorta putting myself out more than usual (not that hardly anyone is reading this thing… let alone adding their comments)my greatest fear is that I could end up losing my apartment and my car and end up homeless, and the scariest thing is that …that reality is looming on the horizon. I had security for 5 years because Adolfo made twice what I made, but I am on my own. I am very alone… and I can’t ask my family for money. It just sucks… I am hustling to make money right now… not to mention keep up with school.

In a recent entry (from Saturday I think), I wrote how I felt paralyzed and invisible one day. I write how I felt the ground beneath my feet cracking and sinking.