each week seems to blur into the other and I forget to make entries here. It actually feels better in the head to let out a little of my thoughts here and chill out a bit.

basically, I have been approaching this year thinking I have to maintain a healthier lifestyle of some kind. Got back on a multivitamin and my dhcp. I am trying to work out as often as I can… took a Pilates class and a nice Yoga class this week. Both of them left my midsection sore for half a week.

I work ft and got to school t-f so there are 4 days of the week that are extremely difficult to get in to the gym. i can get in for a quickie after school… ‘cept this week i have been racing home to put together my entries for the student art show at school.

I submitted 3 art pieces and all three were accepted. Fab-u-lous… although I might have popped my cork had any one of them not been selected. My entries are totally awesome and are all available on my working site for Achtung Media Design (see side for link). It should be interesting!!!! I hope to shine this year since I feel that my pieces were above par!

Life is… a bitch. but I am trying to manage and trying to keep on some kind of course. I don’t have the luxury of fantasizing about life right now.. like traveling or living in a new place. I am bound to life I have for the next year at least. Then what?

If all goes well I can do something next year. If I graduate in 2009 as scheduled then I will have a new piece of paper to go on with life. Then with the culmination of new student loans and cloudy prospects I can continue living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meat happily ever after. ho-hum.

Without the freinds I have I would be in a dismal state. Thank God for Deb and Jon. If Chippy were here it would be such a blessing. Some of my freinds have really been there for me recently and it’s been a blessing. Adolfo is a phone call away, I can kibbitz with him on some things, but I will see him next week to meet up with Karen.

Some of my friends are so far away. If Keith were here… if Chippy… if Kaidy….

…heavy sigh

“Paperwork regarding financial matters may need to be executed at some point during the day, dear Capricorn. You’re in the mood for some adventure, perhaps physical, perhaps romantic. You might be tempted to participate in tricky sports such as river rafting or fast downhill skiing, or you might decide to attend some group meetings and see what opportunities for contacts – not to mention romantic partners! – could come your way. Take care! Have fun, but move ahead with caution.“

Yep – mars must be in my space again. Yet, I constantly meet guys who are unavailable to me. Isn’t that just the way. Guys who are coming my way are Libra, Sags, and Gemini’s … all of whom are not compatible. Oh, Aries guys have been showing up too… not them either.

I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Life sucks again. xo

“Today you could receive word of a promotion or an exciting new challenge at work. Though this is something you have wanted for a long time now, you may hesitate to accept immediately. Could it be because your self-confidence is rather low right now, dear Capricorn? Don’t let that stop you! This feeling is only temporary, while the opportunity could develop into something quite long-term. Don’t lose your chance!“

My god these horoscopes are freaky… too accurate sometimes. This is exactly how I feel… and at work I am being presented with a project they want me to do that could be pretty impressive. wow…

Today sucked. The whole day sucked. It sucked on top of sucked naked in an ice bath sucky. Aw fuck.

You know who got such a shitty send off last year. With shit-heads like Britney and others here is a woman who scrapped and fought to make a life for her son that he probably appreciated. But Anna was willing to do anything to make their lives something they would have never got when they were in Texas.

Love you Anna!

Daniel was a shy and seemingly humble kid. His mom certainly shinned bright, yet so much she may have become lost in the heavens. You all saw some of the freaks drawn to them, because they wanted to tap into that light.

blah blah blah… this year is finally over. I can say my lack of spirit was unmatched. I would say my lack of attention to Christmas would only be rivaled by Scrooge before the 3 ghosts. Bitter? no. Jaded? Hell Yeah! It has been a season of mixed blessings with my new job working out reasonable well, Tom’s glaucoma is awful, no serious dating, and barely making the bills right now. Ugh!

The good part was I had Christmas dinner with Deb; we had loin steaks and crab legs along with a yam puree I made. It was good and all.

Birthday was spent with buddy Jon ; we hung out a lot this weekend. We also went to go see National Treasure which was pretty good – or just better than I expected.

I redid my business site (link over there —> ) Achtung Media and Design… I have a lot more work to do on it but I’ll get to it soon. The kicker is I made a couple of really cool pieces in the Graphics Section!

Anyway… see you bitches in 2008.

Christmas was not at 3285 this year and I can say that I am pretty okay with that. It would have been better had I been able to either be with family or have spent time with someone I cared for (other than Tom). But, by the end of Christmas Day, I had Deb over for dinner. She said we were the two misfits who needed to spend the evening together.

Call me Herbie. ha ha ha – if you don’t get the reference then screw you. ha ha

2 nights ago I cooked for a family in Henderson and spent a lot of time preparing, but my centerpiece went to shit and I was mortified. I made a beautiful Terine and the crust cracked and broke down on me absolutely killing me. I rebound, forgot the green beans, ran a wide track but still made a successful dinner. The menu turned out to be:

– Turkey Galantine w/ Gravy
– Beef Tenderloin w/ Red Wine Sauce
– Sauted Yam Cuts
– Cream Leeks
– Potato Au Gratin w/ Marscapone Cheese
– Mac N Cheese for the Kids

I made some appetizers too:

– Shrimp Skewers with Caviar
– Baked Polenta with Bacon and Cheese

All ended up going well and for the first time I had to do the party w/o an assistant. It went fine. Although I wish certain people were available it all turned out okay.

Anyway – so my day yesterday was just cleaning up the apartment and getting the house in order. I also dared to go out and buy groceries… one store open in the area. Damn Christians have a stranglehold on the economy… bastards! ha ha ha

I digress, or better I deviate. Instead of doing practical things with the day I ended up goofing off a bit here and there. I met a guy recently and I am feeling he is not into me… no big deal. I’ll survive. And, I held off calling Adolfo because my feelings are still very raw toward him.

As much as Adolfo has been there for me since we broke up he has also left me behind and I feel unhappy about that. I know every time I broke up with someone I was serious about it took nearly a year to get past it. Maybe I am going through the same thing? Maybe I am fixating on what I don;t have anymore? Maybe it’s a good thing we are not together anymore – I am constantly running through the list in my head on the negatives and positive of an “us”. But, he has been good to me in the bigger picture.

Back to Christmas Day – Deb came over and we had some Tenderloin I had as well as some King Crab legs I picked up. I made a Potato Au Gratin and baked that off, yummy! The food had to be decadent!

She had a migraine and was suffering, but she still came over and left early to lay down. It was sweet of her to come over. I wanted John to come over,too, but he was working all evening.

So, I am trying to get some goals accomplished before school starts. Stay tuned… there is some cool things I am working on. xo

“Bring your thoughts down to Earth, dear Capricorn, especially later on tonight. You may be flip-flopping through the day like a fish out of water, but suddenly, things start falling into place just as the sun goes down. You will find that people will be much more caring and sensitive to your mood later on this evening. Spend it at home with someone you love. Ground yourself and plan for the upcoming week.“

uhm… yeah. My emotions have been very much on a roller coaster lately. The best thing for me to do is focus on work or art or stuff like that. Last night I saw someone who knew Adolfo and I and I found myself feeling very depressed about Adolfo when the discussion turned to him.

I’ve been through this before… a few times. With Ron, James, and Brian. It takes a while to break away… it really sucks. I will probably survive. Ya think.

If Adolfo has any idea that we can get back together that option is fading hard. I know my mom would like to have that happen, even my dad, but I’m figuring out very slowly that he has no interest.

School is finished for the quarter and just working… I am trying to accomplish a few things during this time from school. I have a cooking gig for Christmas again and I am hashing out the menu. should have finished it today… I have an idea.

Missing Adolfo a lot, but it might just be loneliness. I got very melancholy today when a woman I knew was asking me about him. I wondered about us getting back together, but I wonder that he has moved on and I need to as well. It takes a while.

I’ve met a couple nice guys, but nothing is happening right now in the romance area anyway. I had a great time hanging out with Deb on Sunday night; we saw the new Will Smith movie and I made dinner.

The movie was great… it’s the first good and solid movie I have seen in a while. Golden Compass was a bummer. More stuff is coming out! The Will Smith movie had a new Batman preview…. awesome.

For dinner I made a Beef Wellington and cream saute leeks. Yum!

I rock as a cook!

School is wrapping up for the quarter and I am just thrilled; my stress level is way above a 10. I am getting to the point of “acceptance” for these grades and it looks like I am going to tank in 2 of the my classes; I am not used to doing poorly. I am a B+ student.

I got another e-mail from Sherwood this week, too. Pure evil. Drug addicts have a really fucked up view of the world. I thought a couple days about posting it in here, but the rabble and the evil in it is just not worth acknowledging. He sent it to all of my family and it was just… oh my hell.

It’s all good… you reap what you sew as they say. Drug addicts looking at getting evicted are going to be forced to look at their lives and re-asses where they are in the world. You can’t get a free ride in a huge house in a good neighborhood and not expect to pay for it.

Whatever… I’ll update a little more this week. Funny how things happen in groups. I have been hurt but a few people closely related to me recently; betrayed. On the other hand another realtive really showed a lot of love and support. I recently tried to extend a hand to a couple relatives I have and though there was a real offer to it… I think it was very trite. So… maybe it’s time to get over it.

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine about regrets. I have a ton… a ton of regrets in my life I am still living with. All of them with people I loved dearly. It really tears at my heart to look back and take inventory.

• missing out on “what could have been” with Micheal B back in Lancaster
  
• leaving the air force when I did
  
• leaving Ron in in the early 90’s eventually resulted in him making some poor decisions and he ended up dying
  
• missing out on the last year of Erwin’s life and showed up at his funeral feeling like a complete ass
  
• jerking my mom around on a money issue in 1990 as well, one I think she has since forgiven me for – I think
  
• cheating on John B in Long Beach and giving my love to someone who did not deserve it in an ugly love triangle
  
• moving to Portland
  
• leaving Adolfo

not in any particular order… we can take it chronologically if you like… so there are most of my biggest regrets. I have regrets in life and people say you should not live your life with them. Now the question is “how” do you shed them? …therapy?

“Feel free to let it all out today, dear Capricorn. It is finally your turn to stand up and say what you feel. Don’t let others push you around into places that you don’t want to be. The key for you is to probe deep with your penetrating mind and share your incredible insights with others. Don’t be surprised if your actions cause a bit of tension, but don’t let this stop you from doing what you feel is right.“

You know… I often do not read my horoscopes until the end of the day. And usually I can see all the correlations to the events preceding. Now, you will note an earlier entry today where I talked about Sherwood: the nightmare.

I feel like I may have been harsh in it, but I can’t be certain. It is as if it needed to be said and I did it – devil-may-care as it were. Truth is that there is a lot of feelings about the whole experience I don’t feel.

Well, life moves on. Dating in this city is a nightmare. And if people in other cities complain they have a difficult time meeting people for dating for friendships then they can’t compare to Las Vegas. My luck has been miserable and though I think I find some diamonds I learn very quickly that I am not going to go anywhere romantically with that person.

I am meeting interesting people, but mostly off the internet. See my Contact’s page for a list of the social sites I have been haunting (whoring: whatever!).

The thing is I am still not living life the way I want to. This guy I met named Andrew (an interesting character) keeps telling me just to be honest with “who” I am and … well, I either don’t know who that is or what to be WHO that is. We all live life with masks on and I am not willing to take mine off for many people.

I want to be seen as a masculine gay guy who is active and wants the company of someone special who is similar. I enjoy being near the edge of something that titillates and threatens people. Sex is always good, but I do not want to be with someone who has cock on the brain. You must have a spiritual center who not a head in the clouds…

What is going on with Adolfo? Someone tell me… I have no idea.