This was a pretty interesting cap to a week that was full of stress and frustration. I was in school all Saturday then went to the gym where I ended up in the center of drama. Well, at the beginning of Yoga they made everyone leave the gym because there was a fire upstairs. I could smell the smoke… ew. So, 40 mins later we came back into the gym. I still don’t know what caught fire.

Sunday I hooked up with pal-John for his birthday. We galloped over to Borders where a couple chefs from Top Chef were signing their cookbook; a Top Chef Cookbook. It’s a nice book. Cheap and cheezy… but fun to see them. Got autographs and chatted about cooking. Oh wow.. it was cool. Then we shopped (window style) and toddled off to the gym for a shit workout… but enjoyed the eye candy!!!!

Then… off to FireFly for dindin. YUMMERS… I had Charizo Clams… so good!!!

I feel fat… now I need to get my ass in gear. Had a nice dinner with Adolfo again tonight. We went to the gourmet restaurant of the year… yes – red lobster. Yum.

Ha ha ha ha…

xo

I am sitting here watching LOST and am thinking about how fucked up some days are. It’s a full moon tonight and the whole day has represented that. The night ends with feelings of exasperation and reflection on all the stupid mistakes I am making.

I am this week’s king of regrets and self pity. Maybe more than that! As you may have read on past entries I tend to fixate once in a while on the decisions and actions of my past that I carry around like a bag of rocks. It seems like I am a very bad person deep inside and no matter how nice I seem on the outside inside it is sludge and shit.

Yet, I got a nice email this week from someone who says they read my blog… which makes me happy. I have been neglecting this little mini-therapist.

Well, as much as I struggle to make ends meet daily and keep me and Tom healthy it is amazing how I am still trying to see the world from a positive point of view. I literally have nothing to live for. I realized that recently and have absolutely no desire to live life. Sad, huh?

Before anyone gets melodramatic I’m not looking to off myself. hmm…. no.

what a week! last saturday i let my blood sugar drop way way too low and was so dizzy, so I ate a quick bowl of cereal when I got home. It was a slow comeback, but then later I had dinner and felt better after. But then damn, my guts when nuts with diahrea and craps and woosiness. all of which i assumed had to to with the sugar thing. it went on for a few days – through thursday. the likely culprit was some chicken i got from sam’s club. tossed that out, been fine since i stopped eating it pretty much. ugh!

on top of all that – it’s allergy season. my ass is drugged up. i am drippy, sneezy, and sniffly. sexy huh?

starting to sound like one of those old people who only conversation is all their medical history. god i hate those people.

oh, and Tom-dog is suffering too. i think he has allergy problems as well… poor puppy is suffering. his eyes are already in bad shape with the gloucoma…

oh there i go again!

Life is just kinda wierd sometimes. As much as a person keeps setting goals to take them ahead, fate keeps kicking a guy in the balls. It’s just a reminder that we really have no control where we go and when we try to do it… well, it all either goes to shit… pear shaped… sideways.

I lost Adolfo last year and have been sitting on the fence trying to figure of it was the right thing or not. I got to the point when I came to terms that it was. Then I started thinking the separation/break-up was a learning experience for both of us. Now I am just not sure. I feel like I can move on for real… not like the move-on I thought I had six months ago when I was dating someone else for a short while.

I tell my buddies that I want a relationship… then a guy offers to come to town and hang for a weekend and I can think about it is all the other stuff I got to do.

I’m never satisfied. I’m never going to know what that is. god help me… ugh

right now a lot of life’s little things seem like they are a lot more than what they are. i am really unhappy being single. yet, at the same time, i am glad to have a little time on my own. i’m feeling squished between the dream of what i want and the reality of the day.

dating here has been a farce deeper than anything i ever experienced. my fear is that the complete dysfunction has become a part of who i am as well. i try and stay apart from the really obscene behavior of the majority of men here but it’s definitely hard. it’s karma.

ugh… now i am older and now i am underwater (metaphorically) and the water is not cleansing. i have some time to put into being here… then i need to go do something else. sucks man.

so i dream of romance and i dream of meeting a cool guy to hang with. hm.

“If you’re artistic by nature, dear Capricorn, expect a rush of inspiration to hit you today – along with an irresistible compulsion to start a new project and work, work, work until you can see at least some results. If you’ve never been artistic before, you may suddenly feel like giving it a try – perhaps using computer technology. Whichever it is, you’re likely to derive a lot of pleasure from your work, so go to it – and have fun!“

So, a big DUH to the above. They are not usually so vague and general. barf me out!

No Deb, it was not all about you my dear. I was venting… people suck in this town and I just have to expect nothing from anyone. I just hope anyone I call a friend is someone I can anticipate (not expect) more from. Oh well… xo

okay… now that is off my mind. …and before going to bed. People are so disappointing and with all the other shit life hands us on a daily basis it sucks people and society is so sucky to each other. Ugh! I am grateful for my friends and the FEW people I actually call friends. …very few.

Right now I know someone who is being a good friend and our friendship is pretty cool, that is Jon. There are many other friends but I am getting sleepy… and lazy.

so… I have not been inspired to do any writing here in a while. Someone … SOMEONE… sent me an email demanding some kind of response. I never have time for anything anymore between trying to get a social life as well as all the other obligations i have. Between school and work and trying to get some gym time… ugh.

Dating is impossible in this town. Guys are all flakes and no one has a socially oriented brain in their head except those that are on their knees at Hawks Gym.

And then let’s talk about people being social in general… damn people here are lazy lazy lazy fucking people who sit around getting fat in thier homes instead of socializing with other people. No one keeps commitments. No one interacts with other humans unless they are getting something out of it. Society is sure fucked up!

It’s not just Vegas… it’s everywhere. People are lazy fuckers. People don;t develop friendships they develop acquaintances.

So, this is what has been bugging me lately.

“ Spirit and soul may seem out of balance today. A part of you may be longing to break from society and live a more spiritual life, but worldly responsibilities and attachment to your current lifestyle might get in your way. These things don’t happen overnight, dear Capricorn. You have to let them develop in their own way, in their own time. Right now the keyword is finding balance between the spiritual and the material.“

after my posting I read this. yeah, I can see it. These MSN horoscopes have been pretty amazing.