I deleted the post I made recently talking about a guy I fell for… more like fell on my face. That is exactly how dating has been for me lately. I really feel a strong connection to someone and find out how alone I am in the idea. Frankly, my whole romantic life has been a disaster anyway.

Yes, I know I got out of a relationship for 5 or 6 years with Adolfo last year. Well, that was in the shit-can 1/2 the time. He was always mad at me for something anyway whether I earned it or not.

I must be a real shit???? Someone let me know or give me feedback on this one, because I am dying to know. I can cook. I like to have fun. Travel – good. Looks – not horrible. Gregarious nature… good right? Yes, busy a lot and slight obsessive over dumb ideas… but otherwise I am not a horrible catch?!?!?!????!!!!???

Dating this year:

1. Kio or Kia or something like that – Japanese guy from last summer while I was in Portland. I got the “I’m not looking for a relationship b.s. on date #3 – then we dated for 2 months-ish and I was dumped … lied to about the reason, but dumped. (this is me rolling my eyes)

2. After a long dry spell – Jesse – hot Mexican guy here in LV. Connected and still connect on some levels when I see him around. I got the “…no relationship” speech on the tail of the 1st date – I said… why are we discussing this? This is only our first date…. good God I am in hell!

3. Was recent… Ben – another Mexican guy who I fell for really fast. Too fast… stupid fast. I am in a serious relationship deficit. Not used to not dating someone… I like the companionship!?!?!?!?!

Honorable mention goes to Ondreg… damn sexy Boston boy. If I was in Boston I swear I would have married this guy. He warned me he falls too fast and hard for someone… that would have been a Fusion Reaction, huh????

Alas, I am alone. I hang out. I have fun. People offer sex and stupidity and out of all of it I I am still empty handed. Those closest to me might have a clue, but the frustration is just draining.

Today I met another guy who look really cool… yeah, in Mexico! Another one of the unobtainable…. I am batting swell.

This gives me gas.

Life has been decent lately with some obvious exceptions. I am taking a new perspective on life here in LV while looking forward to getting through this last year of school. Ideally I should be finished by the end of March.

What’s next though? My job is working out okay. Wierd… with the projects I am working on… I actually look forward to the idea of going to work. Soon I will be posting out comps on the web sites I am working on for the company. I might get to completely redo t he site… my problem is that there are a lot of chiefs who want to put their 2 cents into it.

I built 2 comps today as well as completed a decent shine on the whole web site plan I have worked on. It’s looking good.

I have a second blog, did you know that? It’s connected to the achtung web site… you can see that through the link to the right over there.

…oh, I called Adolfo on Sunday to see how he was doing. He’s a great guy on so many levels. He is so stubborn, too. He is thinking about moving to South Carolina where his sister lives. I do not think he would like that…? He won;t make any money there.

… Deb is back too… she sounds like she is doing okay with the death of her brother.

…for those who give a shit.

I was carrying a lot of anger toward John in a way that was not really productive. You see, as you might be able to get from the previous blog, John’s lack of attention to a promise he made to me made me mad… blah blah blah.

Well, I wrote him that note and he wrote back basically giving up on the friendship. It was way to easy so I challenged him to actually act like this meant something to him. So,we ended up going for dinner Monday night at AGO… over at the Hard Rock… and talked about it. I still think he is clueless about where I was coming from but time will tell.

Where we stand… I am uncertain.

Dinner was decent at AGO (new place at Hard Rock that replaced Kerry Simon’s place) which is an Italian (I should put that in quotes). I had the Sea Bass. It was passable. But the winner was one of the deserts!!!! Oh my hell it was good. It was a Milfoy with a roasted almost pastry and a well made Bavarian. The fruit compute of Strawberries dressed it. Heaven. The wine we had was good too…

yeah me

I have this in my head a lot and decided to write John and tell him how I felt about where our friendship has gone to. I figured out there has not been a single male in this city who has been someone I could rely on. It’s very hard finding someone of quality friendship here. Tell me what you think:

“I have been thinking a lot about where I stand right now. Before I say anything more, let me make it clear that I understand you and I are not in a relationship beyond friends. I am not deluded in that. Having said that, I loved you so much that I could call you my best friend and feel a huge amount of value in that. Well, you let me down and I think I am still feeling so strongly about it – is because my feelings were so strong. I told you when we first hung out that if I ever felt you lost respect for me I would step out. Over the last 5 weeks since I last saw you I began to recognize that and then when you forgot about the favor I asked it seemed clear. I feel deeply hurt and the apology I got through adam4adam did very little to help. Since then I saw no effort on your part. So, I move on. I’m going to Charlies tonight and then coming home early. Unless I am missing something else – I will miss our freindship. I’ve been hurt before so I will survive this one too. Sorry about the drama. I had a lot to say, but this was already too much. No one like a girl to talk too much! Later”

Johnny Cash – love ya baby. Today I did something empowering. I went to the movies by myself. I am in a time when I feel like what friends I have they are miles away and few people are here I can trust or rely on. Not a single person around me but me I can rely on.

Sounds jaded or bitter? Fuck off… not in anyway. Reality is that if you need someone else in your life then you are co-dependent. If you are sick of people letting you down – you are jaded. Alas… I digress.

I was so uncomfortable at first and then this hot hot hot guy sat next to me. I knew him from somewhere – then I remembered him from the Venetian. He was a sweet guy there who I thought was straight. Maybe not… considering the two he was with.

Well, I went to see the Hulk and it was quite good. A far leap from the previous version. The first version of the Hulk was slapstick compared to this one. I saw in the credits that Lou Ferigno was the voice of the Hulk.

Well again – I ended up calling Adolfo. It was good to hear his voice. He is moving on with his life. We updated each other a bit and … well, that was pretty much it. There are still a lot of feelings there.

xo all!

Since just before I left for the Bahamas I have been dealing with a very disappointing event that left me reeling a bit. You see, there is this guy I have considered to be my “best friend” (BFF ya know). Well, not long ago he came to me and needed help with something and I dropped everything.

Well, over the last month I get ignored phone calls, blown off on times we normally hang out… blah blah blah. Well, I asked him for help and I was ignored. I told him I was very upset with him, but I am feeling a deep sens of betrayal. It stings…

So I ask myself how this happens to me all the time. It has to be me. It has to be something I am doing in my choices of people in my life. If I can;t rely on you let me know or be clear about it, then I can make my choices. I had a dear friend in Long Beach and found out right away I could never rely on him for anything… I could live with that and did for years. BUT GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF FUCKERS FUCKING ME THE FUCK OVER!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I suck… I forgot to finish editing this. God, I thought I was done… NOT!

I started editing this again and so please excuse the rough spots.

The trip out of Las Vegas was not looking good at first. US Airways is the single worst airline I have ever flown on and I’ve flown! The flight was scheduled to leave at 11:30 pm and fly all night into Florida. With 2 broken planes later we finally left before 3:00 am and sat around the terminal. A good looking guy was flirting with me… he was good looking and had lovely eyes… but as sweet as that was let’s be real. It was entertaining at least.

So we arrived on the island by middle day in a plane that was two people wide. LITERALLY! So here are a few snaps!

1.On the last plane to the Island
2. From the plane over Florida
3. From my room
4. Me and gal Cheryl having a light dinner and the 1st of 3 cocktails each. Good suggestion Ken!

Leaving tonight for the Bahamas and am feeling a lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am going with a whole bunch of heterosexuals and they are usually … well, they walk to their own beat. ugh, heteros!

Breeders!

Tom will be staying with a neighbor because my planned babysitter flaked on me. It sucks when someone you think you can lean on – who has leaned on you in the past – proves you wrong. Man it sucks when people hurt you.

People always fuck it up. Friends are so temporary. People always hurt you. FUCK!