Another weekend past and I am waking up this Monday feeling very reflective. I am deep in my own head again. I feel very lost in where I shold be in life because of some self doubt in so many areas. Funny? I think there is still some of that baggage from when I was a kid with a dad who told me – very often – “you’ll never be good enough”. I hear that in my head still.

On Friday I drove out to my mom’s and stayed for the night. I got to see my step-sis and and step-dad. Worrying about them a bit is playing with my head as well. My parents are struggling a bit and they can’t do much. Christine, my step sis, is there helping out a lot. I wish I could do that more… but I feel so selfish.

Meanwhile, my dad had a birthday this weekend and I made the obligatory call. There has been a lot of changes in our relationship since I was a teen, but I can still say I rate pretty low in his book.

Baggage Baby! Yeah, I got it. I am struggling a lot and am in this non-stop sand-trap. Emotionally, financially, and my career(s) are just floundering. My stress is getting overwhelming.

I found this article on gay.com. 99.9% of gay men out there under 40 could never conceive of anything but external gratification of their self-esteem; yes including my past antics. But there are some interesting statements about getting older and body image. Self esteem… all the stuff I am missing.

Click to see

On the backside of another weekend, I am feeling very reflective and thoughtful about where I am in life again. Seems like I go through this a lot. I get an eternal message telling me that everything I am doing in life is a waste of time. My work with a web site I have been focused on for almost 3 months – someone pokes holes in the work (either really or perceptually) and now I feel like I am completely wasting my time.

It is very frustrating… every single person I have built a site for has been a pain in the ass on some level. No one knows what the hell they want and they think they know, but they don’t. Sigh, but in the end you just give them what they say they want and keep shaping it til they finally are satisfied.

People fucking suck.

So, I drove out to California Friday night and saw my mom. She and my step-dad are retired and are just making it through day after day. Both seem kinda bored with retirement. I worry about them a lot… and it was my dad’s birthday tool. sigh

I was thinking today about how flaky so many people have been. Just trying to get people together seems like I am asking someone to donate an organ. But, there are still a few people that I have found a connection with.

John (Mexican John) has been my rock all year with friendship stuff… although he want to be a putz on occasion. Deb has not been accessible with all the stuff she has been up to. Meeting Perry and Alex has been a saving grace… so I can count myself lucky enough; a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush – as they say.

I have noticed I am obsessed with Burning Man 2009 and much less worried about meeting someone to date. Dating is relative… I met a guy and we hang okay but I do not think he looks at me like a boyfriend… which is fine.

Truth is I am too busy and he just just got out of a 11 year relationship. That does not add up together so well. BUT, it is nice we hang pretty well together. He and I have been flirting with each other for 3 years. Both of us were in relationships. I don’t know…

Check out my new blog/diary on Burning Man for 2009!

Or go to the site and check it out! There is a guy in a lot of the shots who is such a hottie!

I was way wrong about my previous map to BurningMan… I have the correct information now. It is 495 miles from Vegas and estimated 10 hour drive to get there. It is located 120 miles north of Reno of all places… not sure why I said it like that in my head… yes, I type what I think sometimes.

Talked to Michelle today and she was sooooooooooooo jazzed about her experiences there and there is a page on the Burning Man site with people’s stories about their experiences. One guy gave an interesting story and made me very very very curious! Oh, the stories are so exciting sounding!!!!

The map up top might be kinda small, so I have a larger version available here.

I also was cruising around to learn more about the event and found some pics. I told Michelle and she totally remembered the water truck. So, this and the many things I have read are making me so excited about this journey!

Wow

The week of finals is almost over. Can’t say it has been all that bad. In fact – I am counting myself fairly lucky. We had a lot of projects and and they are all done. My biggest challenge is under a teacher whom I admire highly and I keep falling down there: my java scripting class. I am just not getting it.

Everyone says… some day it will just click. Yes, I’ve had those moments. But it so frustrating as I slowly advance. I am looking to my future and want badly to be able to script in Javascript and PHP. …some day

Does anyone like the new art???? tap tap tap … is this thing on?

Another weekend bites the dust. Today was a day worthy of the record books in some way, because it was liberating. Yes, the same party atmosphere at the private pool. But at the end of the night we were all shocked to realize it was 10pm.

I’m still a little inebriated as I write this. So imagine that my eventual trek into bed is going to be a challenge as I am still wired and still buzzing from the events.

Other news… I had a date with that guy last night. Code name Gabriel…. not his real name but he wasn’t to be anonymous. Let’s see how long that lasts with me. He declined to go to the pool with me today and that was prolly a wise idea. It was good though… and as of today summer is over on the books. If there is another pleasant weekend left then who knows?

I invited a lot of people for the day today… each and every one of them flaked. Las Vegas is a horrible place to try and make friends. People are so unreliable. Ugh…. it makes me sick.

Okay… I am going to try and make it to bed. night night babys

I don’t want to lose this article from Cheryl from some feminist that wrote about Burning Man this year. So, I updated my official page (linked at the top) and am working on a Tribal name from my people. Maybe I should make an official poster for my tribe as well?????

If you want to post on this blog let me know and I will add you.

The journey begins! I decided to see where this was from here and having my GoogleMap at the ready, Burning Man is not all that far away. I am like an excited little girl. I am feeling the joy and excitement of the upcoming events.