I guess there are times when you are faced with the world around you and … well, I seems like with debt and stress one feels 3 feet underground. I have a lot of debt right now and more to come, especially with graduation from school on the horizon… yes the evil student loan.

I owe so much money. I saw a news report that the average college student has 20K in student loans and 5K in CC debt. Wow, not me! I will be leaving school with close to 80K in student loans and have almost 10K in CC debt. Not to mention my car payment that is friggin high and other bills. I have a good salary at work and I am still living paycheck to paycheck. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My personal dilemma today is not only my fiances, but relationship stuff with friends and others. Back to Ben (first of all), I found out he tricked with a guy I know and he is dating 2 different guy; what was wrong with me? Oh fukit as they say! He is not a bad guy, just could not tell me he was not interested… actions speak louder than words??? Am I listening?

I have been trying to talk to more people… sadly that it is mostly through the adam4adam.com site. If they are just not interested they are extremely rude and put up fake or severely outdated pictures on their profiles. OMG! BUT, there are occasions when these guys look MUCH better in person rather than their on-line pics.

So, I feel kinda weird and could not sleep last night at all. My head was in a bad place and still is to some degree. I’ll pull out of it by the end of the day, but DAMN I need help getting my finances together!!!!

I am encouraged to go to a campout in Novemeber with a BMers for the Las Vegas chapter. They also have some deal at a local club this Friday (10/25)… but am looking forward. I found out this morning I am acquainted with one of them already. Cool!

Las Vegas Burners

Man, it should be cold a f***! I hope it is fun!

Today I am dressed very loudly. Orange and blue… my mohawk is very spiky… I should say my bad mohawk. What’s got me so punked up today? hmmm

damn, I just read through my latest entries… don’t i sound like a sad-sack!

This weekend was a lot about struggling with emotional shit. My mom was put into the hospital on Friday for a clot in her lung and an irregular heart beat. My step brothers and sisters really rallied. They did such an amazing job of coming together that I felt like I let my mom down. They were all so amazing.

My mom is a woman who I looked at as being a real iron maiden; as it were. She was the one who was supposed to be the one who outlasted us all. So I figured. I mean to say, she has been such a strong scorpio woman that with my step-dad’s failing health I thought she would out pace him and then I would help her through her retirement.

Well, turns out she gets more and more frail every day and it makes me worry for her. I do not know if I have the capacity to be there for her. I might be more selfish than I thought? I might be a bad son? I might be unworthy of the support and love she has given me over the years.

I’ve made a lot of fucked up decisions in life and see that I am doubting myself a lot. I did not go to California to see her because when we talked on the phone she sounded good. DAMN!!!!

It’s funny though… a lot of people have been venting to me about their problems. Since Friday a few (several) people have come to me telling me about their personal problems with ex-fiancees, crack-head ex-roommates, selfish-bitch daughters giving their mother an attitude… and there is a a voice in my head shouting in the distance saying: “fuck you – I have my own problems. deal with your issues and piss-off” … but I can’t.

I have so few people in life to lean on. The people I care about most and would lean on the heaviest live so far away. My friend John, who I hang with almost every weekend, is dealing with his own shit. I see it in him, he holds back a lot and internalizes it like I do. LORD KNOWS he would never blog it like I do. I am blogging this morning to get some of this weight off my mind.

I am so depressed lately. I am constantly struggling in my own head and my own selfish world that if you could imagine someone barely keeping afloat in the ocean that would be me. Financially, emotionally, physically weighed down and struggling to keep the air in my lungs.

Sad thing is… many people are in the same boat… or out of the same boat. I mean hell, if there was a boat there would be little drowning. Yes, I still ahve a sense of humor about it. Call it a sense of perspective. Whenever I get caught up so deeply in my own shit I remember there are a lot of people who have it much worse and I could be in a much darker state of being mentally and physically. I still count my blessings.

So, I just talked to Michelle and Ryan. They are a couple people I once worked with in Los Angeles back in the day; they are a little younger than me. The company we worked at used to be one of the bigger Web Hosting companies in the country. Blah blah blah.. company sold and everyone laid off and lots of time passes….

So, I’ve made a few tributes to Michelle because I really like her spirit. Ryan was a decent guy I remember very well from the olden days… ha ha ha

THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY is that Ryan and I were talking after I talked to Michelle about a deom here in Vegas – which I seemed to have missed last week! ARGH!!! But, he gave me some links:

– Las Vegas BM meet group
– Pictures from LV peeps
– Apparently there is a lot of BM on Tribe.Net

THANKS RYAN!!!!

There is a group not far from here that also has some BM information. In fact, the layout is pretty sweet. It gives some better general information on the event for newbies and the like.

Link to: AZBurners.Org

I had to post it because it helped me out a lot in understanding a few things. It also gave a cool map to the events from 2008. What was extra cool is that it provides a very concise guide for newbies; like me. Also gives information about registered camps.

There is a gallery on the www.BurningMan.com site by a photog named Nightshade who has a lot of cool pic from last year’s BM.

I saw the art installation above on a few other pics, but this is the best one. This photog was Scott London who took this shot. Looks a little Photshopped, but not sure..

There is a lot to this event… this photo essay shows a lot. How does ALL OF THIS STUFF HAPPEN out there??? I am dying to know!!!!

Another cool pic above … photog

Here’s another…

Photog

And finally here is the link to Scott London’s gallery from last year… 2008

I must have gone through a 1000 pics on BurningMan.com …. I am learning more and more about what is going on at this place. It is simply amazing.

I have not posted only because I have been talking to a lot of people. Plan plan plan! Perry wants to rent an RV up in Reno and drive from there.. and he is not wanting to stay the full week. It’s all good to me. I got to get my Latins to come into the US and party with me next year. Hear that Argentina? How about you in Mexico City?

I put postings for new BM friends on gayoutdoors.com and facebook.com; my facebook had like 8 members for the Burning Man thingy within days… have to check it again!

People… come play with me in the desert sun!

There are days when my self esteem hits the dirt. Tonight I went to Coming Out Day festivities in Las Vegas. It was a nice event, but the headliner had not shown by 10pm and I was over it by that point; it was Ultra Nate. What the hell happened to that career that she is on a shit stage with SERIOUSLY BAD LIGHTING. Sigh…

The real thing is that there were a lot of people there with friends and I was alone. Gr. Just sucked… I have few friends. I keep my circle small. but this is ridiculous.

Hmmm… tomorrow is supposed to be a good day. Still waiting for proof of that. The last few weeks have been a serious disappointment because people flake like HELL here. I am so frustrated. Nah, now I just depressed. Ugh…

Well, time will tell. School is over in a few months and life can go in any direction from there.

I’m tired and babbling now. I will update you about tomorrow if things go well. xo