Category Archives: Things that haunt me

I am a horrible human

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So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.

Me and Mom

Me and Mom


I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
Tom the Dog
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…

Too long…

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As usual it is a year and a day since I made my last entry so much has happened and I forget about this thing. This blog. I used to be so good at keeping it updated.
I had an honest to goodness acid trip at a new Beltane and in the same week I went through a lot of emotional shit.
Tom the dog is having surgery on Friday and I can’t be there. I’ve had to face so much recently. Facing the mirror sucks especially when you hate what is looking back.
Drama and bullshit everywhere. I’ll try and write more soon. Sigh….

Happy New Year

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C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into.  It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old.  I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.

it’s broken

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I have seen people walking around in this life and thought – he’s broken. You can see some people are stuck. Some people are still in the 70’s, 80’s or trapped in their own inability to latch on to life and move forward. Was it tragedy? Was it success in a certain time they glomed onto; like being really popular in the 70’s and are still trying to hold onto it. Or was it a tragedy that stopped them from growing?
Do you know what I mean or is it something only I see? I can say that honestly because in spite of some medications I take that kill my mental abilities I typically can really trust my senses. Seeing someone halted can’t be just a third-eye sort of thing.
Yesterday I was walking home from work and caught my reflection in a shop window and realized something… I am broken. The thought was like time slowed abruptly. It was like my mind cleared and a lot of the debris was shoved off the table. It was a shock.
Who am I? no… who was I am where am I now?
As I mentioned it was like a lot of debris was knocked off the table. The banquet table on my life was full of junk, rust, pack-rat stuff. It was as if the table was upset and some of the junk started falling off.
A lot of things started polling through my head as I wondered to myself… where and how have I become broken?
I said quite clearly earlier this year (I think) there is no more time for regrets [1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ] . I have carried too many for too long. Being upset about bad decisions of the past and letting go of them have not completely freed me in the present.
I have fallen down so many times and managed to get up. At times I have put the gun to my own head and pulled the trigger over and over. Following the links in the previous paragraph it becomes easy to map the stumbles and falls. I am also intensely aware of my failures and the memories of my father’s words… all pieces of junk on the table.

Broken

So, I am broken. I led a charmed life up to a certain point when Fate decided I had enough and was not giving back. My guardian angel (or whatever) seems to be sitting back and only jumping in on the serious shit.
I am broken. I have fallen and am struggling to get back up. I am swimming in the deep end with a diver’s weight belt on. The entry I made a couple weeks ago feeling like I was at the end of my rope is still on my mind.

Shifting

The plates under my feet slide apart when I look at this reflection in the glass while walking up the street. For hours after, I literally felt like my brain was a hard-drive rebooting. I really saw this reel of my life and saw something screaming at me I could hardly imagine being true. Maybe my burning man life was a fall-down moment for me. Certainly the partying that went a long with it. But, I am grasping what all this means still and will tell more in the future.

Singel Again?

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Last night had another big fight with C. Not sure what it was about or where it was coming from. BUT, I felt a million miles away from his last night.
I have been thinking about our future again and not staying in the present. Even in the present I wonder why, after 5 months and with the intensity we have been going at, why he has not been able to tell me that he “loves” me.
Why do I want or need to know that this is in his heart when I suspect it is there already. But then again, temptations of the flesh have been on the rise with me and that desire for infidelity is usually a sign for me that things are not going so well sexually.
In fact, we have not had a meaningful sexual experience together in a while. I hate the idea that our relationship is dependent on sex… but if something is wrong in bed that always fucks things up doesn’t it?
There is his drinking which has been a demon in our relationship. My mom was an alcoholic and I might be a little sensitive on that subject. He does not handle his booze well. This is why I firmly believe pills are so much better! (snicker… sarcasm)
Well… anyone if anyone is paying attention. There I am. Venting. My moody whiny ass just venting. I think C and I are basically done… unless we talk and figure out if I am looking for the wrong things out of this.

Previous post

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I went on a rant in one of three posts I made today. Earlier a post about my father was supposed to be about the bike ride. The correlation is this. My father was a creep with porn, being naked with other people, and just general perviness my whole life.
Growing up I was exposed to all this. I think I am often fearful I was too much like him. I once talked to him and he said I was a lot like my mother.
Baggage aside… as far out of the way possible… I think that is where it all came from. Being naked is no big deal. But I can be a better man than he.

baggage from father

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I often feel like my tires are spinning fast and I am getting no where. I have a place in this world somehow and at 47 years old I have not really found out what the fuck it is. If there is one thing I don’t want to be is anything like my father.
It’s my baggage and I grew up with a man who, somewhere around 1973 to 1974, forgot how to be a father. Granted he had his own successes and his own victories in life, but to me he is just the asshole who verbally abused me and kept telling me I was a worthless piece of shit.
Somewhere along the line I believed him. I still have no amounted to much in the scheme of things. All I have is my honor and commitment to being the best person I can be, but I am deeply flawed. Often it seems that fate is against me. I failed people I love.
But I still try being the best I can. I fail from time to time. And I still don;t want to be anything like my father.
 
p.s. – I don’t know where this came from, because I came here to post something else entirely.

Snap Shot

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I have not posted a video blog in a long while. The only reason is that I end up spending an ungodly amount of time rendering it then uploading it… (heavy sigh here).
The last couple of postings were a little weird… granted. I do have the satisfaction knowing that no one is really reading it anyway. If anyone other than my mother was I would be surprised since the monitoring software is not telling me much.
C and I have been in this crazy romance for a while. That weekend 2 weeks ago was a dark time and I went to the V.A. for help with it but I was turned away. It was insulting, but I know the V.A. as a whole is better than that.
I digress… this guy has been the light of my life in the past months and as we hit 5 months into this time we have been seeing each other it feels like we have been together much longer. He has not used the “L” word and while I have a few times I see in his eyes and his action that he really loves me too.
C has a funny set of standards he lives by and they are skewed by some strange mix of idealism and seeing himself more through others eyes than his own. I think it is his age/maturity but he is a good man. Together we are better people.

Life

I have been riding this roller coaster for a few years… probably more than I realize. Thing is a couple weeks ago I feel I got off the roller coaster and landed in the bumper cars and am bored of those already.
No, it’s not C and not the job. My focus has been on the job and doing the best I could there. I have found vipers in the house of the gods and find this trusting nature in danger. I have found self doubt and fear, but I have found success and joy.
These add up to the normal things that come with a new job, doing new things, but working hard to live up to a lofty standard I know I can still reach. I have added a new thing to the menu everyday and 98% of them I can be very proud of. Minor issues have arisen but I have survived them and will continue.
I have some coworkers that I can see already expect me to fail, but I have managed to beat them every day.

Today

Stability has never been my friend. But why is it all I want to wrap myself in this job and C and enjoy a quiet life for a while. On the other hand I still have cravings for going out and enjoying the party.
As much as I want to do all that with C he is starting to feel he is out growing it as well.
I do have a ticket for Burning Man again this year and would like to make this my last year at the big event before resigning myself to the Regionals going forward. This is/will be my trade off. Or… my new start.

a little prayer

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The new job is going really well and I hope that it keeps going that way. I will do everything I can to keep it going that way. So, this is my new start and this is my new outlook. Given recent years of non-stop bad luck and consistent failure these recent blessings are really over due in some ways.
It’s not entitlement. It’s not about what I deserve. The universe never looks at things that way. If she dis it would be a cruel twist. If I did I would be crazier than I already am.
So the job is really great so far and it looks like it could going well if I keep my nose to the grindstone and focused on what I need to.
On the other hand I have a boyfriend who I have been with now for five months and we spend a lot of time together. As much as I have expressed my love for him he has not done so much in return… at least in words. Actions have been pretty telling and his actions have made me very happy.
He is a sweet guy who shows he cares on so many levels. He is attracted to me… ME! He thinks I am sexy… when so many people in my past have said just the opposite unless they wanted something.
But he and I have our demons and we say and do stupid things to fuck our own heads. I tell him ‘I love you’ and in return I got mocked. It was his defenses reacting… because nothing is ever good enough. I still love him and he sometimes says things that make me think I am wasting my time; but he and I are carved from the same block of wood. It’s uncanny the things we match on.
Not all those things are healthy. But we are two terribly flawed people who together are both better humans.
I feel so insecure about this and lately I have been asking myself if I am really in love with him. I think I am. I am afraid that I am so exposed that my own insecurities are like screaming voice in my head bringing the doubts like scattered ran clouds. It’s like an impending storm.
God give me the strength, wisdom and vision to find my way and the light at the end of the tunnel. Please grant me the light to retain my optimism and save me from myself.

a dream last night

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Soundtrack for this posting: play as you read

So, I woke up today feeling a little puzzled over something … I had a dream last night that I was producing a local burner event (done a few in the past) and was on site getting all the logistics in order… right. Getting people to where they needed to be and making sure the events/happenings went as they were supposed to. But, I was not really participating.
I dreamed I did all this work and all this effort.
In the dream:
I planned on sleeping in my home which was close by.
It was always dark and the few people I saw barely acknowledge I was there.
I was not unlike a ghost at the whole thing just drifting through it.
When I suddenly decided it was time to push myself into it I saw sunlight and was looking for a beer and planned on joining the action and then I woke up.
But… I do not think I knew exactly ‘what’ the action was. I was putting on a tunic, gold best and sandals. When I went looking for the 40 .oz beer there was a 2 liter bottle of diet coke in the fridge leaking. The fridge was inside a crappy tent where I was apparently setup for camping; similar setup to when I was at Burning Man last year (come to think of it).
Weird how it feels like a statement about where I am in the world right at this moment. I’ve been actively pushing through the game and all the while still feeling like I was not really playing.
Post dream:
I woke up wanting to take some kind of action… but as I heated up my coffee and toasted a bagel I realized I had no where to go. I am on a diving board and there is no sign of water in the pool… wtf????