Category Archives: Things that haunt me

Just another update

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Halloween 2022: This did not come out the way I had hoped, but maybe better next time.

I am wanting to make more posts, but I am struggling with finding time. More so, I struggle to find myself in the life I have right now. I have changed my attitude about a lot of things in my dominate personality anyway, and fight back the others. It’s been a fight, but trying to take care of myself gets hard. 

This is about finding time to get all the things done I want to. And the barriers of achieving that, versus the things I want to have out of life. I suppose in those ways I am like my mom, where I think life should not be as hard as it is. If I want, or need something, there should be a way to get it. And there is, but method is everything.

I chose to have a loving relationship with my partner so I have to give up some behaviors and engage in others that keep peace between us and the world. Right? I have been working toward another career, but finding the time to devote myself to it has been another barrier. I have to choose what I put my energy into.

Same with the life I have. I wrote before about how lonely I have been and what it counts for friends in my life. So, I have to devote time to the people who want to spend time with me. My chosen family is getting better and stronger. My biological family has been a total disaster. I crave family and connections, but I have lost touch with a lot of that until recently.

I started looking around to see who was there. My Las Vegas people are still there, roaring in the distance. New friends like Ra and others from my most recent burning man journey. And a lot of women have been really supportive and present. But, I have to say, not many gay men. It’s been a bummer. 

So I am starting to focus on the things that I need to matter more and will make comments about that as time proceeds. Change is happening and I am questioning if the things in my life right now are worth keeping. And going to Burning Man is on one of those lists… how is it I feel so lonely every time I go there even if I am surrounded by thousands of people? Well, let’s see what happens. 

A long way away … Happy Anniversary

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I was raised by a racist. A man who used the “N” word as comfortably as he breathed. I was also weened on television that painted racial stereotypes, queer and trans identities, with mockery and insensitivity. When I moved to San Francisco 9 years ago today I also entered a world that challenged me about everything and every human. I love people of all types and since being here I learned to love them more in a way that better respects our differences. I am still shocked about how much racism I see even here. Entitlement and privilege have taken on new meeting. I hesitate to say much or because I do not feel I have the right to. I have no bone in that fight. But a sign I saw said white silence = violence. I stand squarely with the rights for people to be pissed off. And their right to share that rage with people who are not paying attention. Another sign said that “you will not tell me how to grieve” and I understand and get out of the way of that. I got called a racist last week and I felt the wind sucked out of me… cold water through my veins; because I misunderstood something someone said in context. None of it is about me. I am celebrating 9 years here in the Bay Area … and it has bothered me that I have not found a way to contribute to this story. This is not permission. It is silent witness to something that strikes at my core in a way that is different than the way it may have effected you. I see people I care for who are people of color who struggle during this time. So I try my best to be better – and maybe that will help on some level.

Coming out of the gray clouds

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I am trying something new. I am trying to be more present in the moment. I am trying to let go of a wrecked past with a father that I grew up with dastardly past. I am trying not to focus on the things that haunt me:

  • rp_n716785438_2386663_7043742.jpgthe things that life has wronged me with
  • the things I am missing out
  • the shiny object in the corner

In other words there are operative words in the first paragraph that were paramount: staying in the present.
I found that I felt lighter in the present when I stop fussing in my own head about all the things that are going wrong in my life. I consider myself a ‘glass-half-full’ person but that seemed to be masking a Debbie-Downer that lives at the core of my being.
Frankly, I hate seeing anyone stuck in the mode of a black cloud over their heads. I would love to see someone finding their path of light. I would seek to help that person find their light all the while ignoring my own. But maybe it is time to pause and figure it out.
The NPR posts I made yesterday here on this site and on Broken Wifi [dot] Com are a glimpse into what I am trying to do to better myself. These words make sense to me. I even listen to some of the posts by Rich Dad Poor Dad that inspire and  create new thinking.
To stop growing is death. To stop dreaming is to stop living.

24 Hours later

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Venting should be therapeutic. Catharsis should be lifting? Idk, but after yesterday’s post I hoped to take some of the weight off my shoulders and find  little more freedom of the weight that has been in my heart. I have no idea if I achieved any of that, but a lot of shit went down.
wp_20141005_00624 hours later my bf and I had a huge fight after I wrote that about some MORE seriously… seriously stupid stuff. I wanted out of the relationship again, and didn’t. He is the one usually holding us together and it was as if he was letting us unravel. But it was really me.
I went to work as usual today and it was… meh. A long day. A meaningless day, but a day where I wonder what the fuck I am doing with my life. This job is a year of karma points. That’s all. But my boss said some nice things, not what I expected, and I wondered again if it was all worth it.
Turns out we are supposed to go to Pismo Beach for a wedding for one of his friends. I am going… just to get out of town. So yeah.

In a dark place….

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When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.

  • I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
  • I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.

No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.

6 months later

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I am still alive… not that there is any great mystery to anyone paying any kind of attention. No one reads this blog any more and with the rise of Facebook, no one really goes past it.

  • I am still living in San Francisco and still living with my bf CMonster
  • I hate this living situation and would love it to change soon
  • I still have the job I talked about in my previous post which was about 6 months ago…
  • I am now working on my plans for Burning Man (see www.sunguardians,net)

So there ya go… a big update.

Misery Myself

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Lately things have been feeling so tightly wound that I feel like I am nothing but a bag of delicate twigs inside. Push a little on the outside wrapper and something inside breaks before it bends. It feels like that is all that is left in me.
WP_20141225_001Not that anyone is paying much attention. I know this blog is invisible to anyone that matters. I know my purpose in life is like a battery that lost its charge and alternatives keep looking better and better. Either way, I am such a coward. And I seem to be king of the pity-police.
Anyway, this web site has degraded itself into a platform for all my misery, I feel like the pity-me road started when I left Vegas and devolved into this. Whatever it takes to make change happen for the better I should find it soon or Plan B.
 

Portland: Alone or Together?

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IMAG0417I made another entry on here earlier today and also reached out to a few people in Portland and had this strange sense of purpose again. It was as if I was feeling like I had a direction again. Moving to Portland and seeing people there is something I think I need to really make happen. San Francisco is a situation that is just not a good one. It’s time for greener pastures.
The think is I got to set myself a timeline to work with and somehow manage to spend money. If I can keep my shit under control I should be able to be in Portland within 2 weeks. 1 drawback, my laptop is dead and all I have is a rusty old desktop that is barely alive. (Gotta talk nice because I am typing on the old girl now).
I have to find housing. I have to find employment. I have to get moving. There is a community in Portland that I have not been able to really get into here.

What about now?

I have been staying at CMonsters place now for what is going on 2 months and it is a month longer than I wanted to. It got pretty comfy here and living here was nice. I think it gave us a chance to see if we were able to live together. The thing is I am still not 100% sure.
a3There are issues and I was never too sure what those were. But, a comment my mom made really sent my thinking off into a spiral when it came to us. She called him childish. I am seeing where there is a real lack of maturity in him. In some ways it’s positive, but in a lot of ways he is really immature and it is starting to bother me.
We have been together almost 3 years now. He and I have had a fairly good relationship but this feels like the tipping point where it is make it or break it time. The way things have gone, the things that matter, have not been turning out so well. His drinking has been a pretty significant problem since we got back from Burning Man.
He has been black-out level drunk almost every other weekend. He has embarrassed himself more than anything, but the thing is the day after his binge I end up paying dearly having to suffer the biggest gloom-fest you can imagine from another person. It is actually painful to be around and it goes on the whole day after he sobers up.
We have had problem problems with his drinking since we met and it has thrown off the ledge more times that I can count. I have called my mom asking for advice, but no one really sees what I see; good and bad.
I am not sure where WE are right now. Even as I type this he is sulking and being a little jerk because his best friend (and personal douche-bag) is upset because he went to a ritzy event and got stupid drunk there. Yes, blackout level.
So, Portland I might be coming alone but I will get there.

What is a Friend?

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One of the things I struggled with a lot here in San Francisco is that it has been really hard telling who I am friends with and who I am not. There are people I want to hang out with and I also want people to hang out with me. Sometimes those wants/needs/desires do not come together at the same time.

Who are my friends? And why do I find the people I care about most live the furthest away? Is distance the key to keep friendships with me? It is so frustrating.
rp_20080524_me-005edit.jpgMind you I have some people I consider to be friends here, but there are times when it is clear that the friendship is one way. Not all, but it is a mutha-fukin’ struggle to get together with people. And I have discovered that party-friends are great when the party is happening but absent otherwise.
What I want in a friend is everything I am willing to give. Maybe that is not enough. Maybe that is the core of my failures in my hubris because I have failed on so many levels …it sucks. Not to play a tired violin but while I have taken inventory of my failures they are mine. And I am a good person…. who is flawed.
What kinds of friends do I think I want?

Completely platonic people who are interesting, creative and not pretentious to go to diner with and share a drink with on occasion. Male or female or other I love you all. *

*Something inside me is not finding this person. I have hangups that keep me from finding these people at this stage of my life somehow. I think I keep looking for this next category more:

photo 1Male friends who like the naked things who love going to playful places not necessarily wanting to have sex, but comfortable enough with themselves and others that boundaries are gray. Drinking and partying may be involved but nothing so wild it gets stupid. Dancing is great, let’s make a posse, but let’s not get lost but maybe let’s get dinner. **

**Again the problem with this group is that the agenda of the other friends seem to take priority over mine or our agendas are written in different books and converge only in passing.

A posse. I want a posse. I want a group of friends who like to have adventures – food – hanging out.

Yeah, I sound kinda fucked up, right? There were people I had to hang with then I lived in Vegas and back in my Boston days. I guess I expected to find that here in San Francisco but it just has not happen. It’s been pulling teeth trying to get people together in any situation here. So I am thinking it is really really time to leave and move on.

Dreams Last Night

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More weird dreams last night. At least when I have dreams they turn out to be a long story. It is often very complicated and with a lot of detail. The key is to remember them once I have been in the waking world for every long.
rp_scan-150x150.jpgI do remember my ex named Adolfo being heavily involved with this one, seeming like we were still together. We lived in a house and the Tom dawg was there. I remember his sitting at a desk a lot looking through a photo album.
Now if I could remember who the women were that were in it and what their roles… I should have written this down earlier. They did seem like they were dressed in 50’s dresses and were women I knew.
We were moving things. Moving like moving into a home but we never left the big, specious home we were in.