Category Archives: nfm!* (not for mom)

Diarrhea of the Mouth

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It does not help to put a title in this blog before I start typing because invariably I go in a whole other direction. I am writing right now because I am thinking that the blogs have been a good outlet that I have neglected.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.

1964

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I have shared a lot on this thing. This is my personal journal. I have also sorta faded from posting as often as I have because it feels like writing here results in more negative drama than I would like. I am trying to focus more on positive things.
Right now my stress levels (as mentioned multiple times already) are through the roof! I need to find a job. I need to find grounding. I need to find myself again because I have tried wearing so many hats that none of them fit anymore. Going to school for 2 careers only led to confusion. Trying to please other people has led to disaster. Looking for greener grass has led to anxiety. Past regrets and mistakes have become this creature always at my back scratching me and cutting me.
I’ve known I had a problem with anxiety that went back to 1996. I can almost give you the date when something inside of me cracked and the fissure kept growing for a long time. I had a lot of things to help me hold it together, mostly my optimistic youth and a lot of friends I loved and counted on. But something happen when those things broke too.
My interpersonal relationships are hard to maintain and I feel like my connections to people are lost in something related to this feeling of Chaos I bring with me all the time. It is this perception that I somehow instinctively see the cracks in people and examine them to death and sometimes bring it to the attention of that person thus bringing that chaos into their world.
In 2009 I lost a good job to this issue and I went to see a doctor eventually and was given a medication to help with it. It has been a great equalizer and over time the medication has evolved but the anxiety has too. It has become much worse and came with depression that occasionally put me in a hole from time to time.
I am dealing with this mental illness and I have never said anything about it before in the blogs posted here. It is anxiety and depression and I am dealing with it. It has made some of the irrational decisions I have made, bad choices, and kept me from finding comfort in my own skin. My weight issues have been holding me back and my age are all feeling like bricks on my shoulders.
No one is out there who can help me and I try to help myself. That whole Burning Man principle Radical Self Reliance has been my credo and I refuse to need anyone to exist. I rely on someone and I can bet that person will let me down anyway.
I am writing this posting to talk about this subject here for the first time. It was years ago someone told me they were impressed with how much I put out there and how honest I am. I have been lying to anyone except family who has been reading this because you don’t know what is going on.

  • I suffer from severe anxiety; to the point where it is literally debilitating and cause me to freeze up, lock down and shut off more than panic attacks. I have been in treatment with a doctor for more than a year and a half.
  • I suffer from severe depression where I sometimes drop into a hole and can’t see out.
  • I take a mild medication to keep it under control; Wellbutrin and Clonapan.

When someone recently made a lot of angry posts publicly claiming I was mentally ill it hurt pretty deep. There was truth in it, but this is a world where using those words is a condemning as telling someone you are a felon or a child molester. There is this shroud that because you have issues that you have chosen to deal with that it is your fault.
I am a good guy. I have a good heart. I have courage and I have character. I am brave and I believe in justice. Your baggage cannot be my baggage and visa versa.

The New Year

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At the end of 2010 I made a promise to myself that I would not put any negative statements on Facebook. I see a few people posting out their personal dramas on there and I do not think people care. Even friends or psuedo-friends as it were.
I’ll say this… 2010 ended in fireworks and 2011 started in ashes and a foot full of dog poop.
In the evening of 12/31 my Chamsa broke off my neck; it is a charm that in the magical world is designed to protect one from evil/demons (one in particular but I wear it as general protection). So, I drove off to the party Friday night and and had an amazing night. BUT! When I was ready to leave after I could not move my car. Some part of the clutch went out so I have to leave it there.
The next day being a national holiday, I could not move it. But Monday I got it to the garage and that bill came to 400$.. every cent I had so now I am broke until next week.
On top of that, my phone is not working correctly and half the buttons will not do anything. Nothing happened to it as far as I know, but I see a separation between the face and the body. Ugh… so irritated.
I know all these things sound minor and little, especially in the face of other people and their bigger issues, but it feels like since the beginning of the year there has been one problem after another.
I’m just bitchin’ because I can I guess.
Along with this rant, I’ll note that Aldo and I broke up on Christmas Day and I was really bummed. He did not deserve me. He blew me off on Christmas and my birthday so those were the coffin nails as it were. He was such a cute, sweet guy and was actually into me but I will NOT be dissed!!!
Okay, more to come soon.
How do you like the new design?

Now what?

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Can’t say I can see the future… but after my last three entries I had hopes for something to go more positive. Now I deleted those three entries thinking I might be deluding myself once again.
I live life with a head full of pixie dust and dreams. For an artist who could support himself that might be a good thing, but a down and out loser who is making chump-change and can’t maintain a job it’s not so good.
Maybe dad was right about a lot of things, maybe he was just an asshole. None the less, there are times when his advice seems brilliant and his words take on meaning.
I feel stupid for believing in people and believing in myself. I’m stupid for trying to be
Meh… mom stop reading these stupid entries and and just delete the email login I sent you… you needn’t get wrapped up in my shit. I should have told you that already. When we talked on the phone earlier I had hopes that things with Adolfo and I were really going to go somewhere. I’m not so sure.
I’m a huge fuckup. I am the living embodiment of fuckup.

screwed up (nfm)

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It’s been a challenge, but since my previous entry every day has ended differently than before. I am making some new efforts to further bend me. To bend myself into something more evolved.
Today – while taking a step forward – I took a step backward. I woke up next to a friend of mine and using the brain in the wrong head thought I was going to  – go there. Nope… may have wrecked the whole relationship. Not that we don’t have a history. Not that there is one other issue the spoiled the pot. But his reaction was so over the top I realized tonight the real problem is that he looks at me with disgust.
Ya know, if that is the case that’s okay. Look at me like I am some fat troll not worthy of you. I made a mistake this morning and it’s been haunting me all freaking day. It’s made me do some evaluating. It’s made me wonder where I really stand in this.
I wanted you as a friend and though what I did was almost nothing… not that I was not willing to go a little further… but the sheer idiocy of the moment was not lost on me and felt silly afterward. I woke up horny this morning. Kill me. You were naked and hard and laying there so fucking beautifully.
I’m not into you that way.
Ugh… so yeah. This entry was supposed to be about something else entirely.

sundayOver

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So, earlier today I saw a picture of Sam on myspace and I thought… only he can look that good in a hospital bed where he is with his health these days. I talked to him through facebook a little later. He was so tired. He has also stopped taking ALL of his meds and so I am thinking he has just given up. I was talking to John John about it today and I can understand. I think I might feel the same way. But I feel like I am sitting here and I don’t want to go to another freinds funeral. But I will.

These days are harder, but I am still much more fortunate than a lot of people out there. I am blessed that in I can still live and breath with the zest that I have inside of me. I get unemployment right now which is a fraction of what I was earning. I hate getting unemployment, but since I was not prepared to be job hunting I had to get ready.
My portfolio site is nearly ready at www.art23design.com and my printed items are just getting there too. Yo should see my new business cards! For cooking AND a card for my online work. I can do so much.
So, I’ve thought a lot about giving up as well. It’s been hard. I’ve fallen more times than I can count. I feel like I am a complete – I mean complete failure in my parents eyes. My sister was this golden child and she is just so blessed and I am this opposite thing.
I spent much of my life trying to reconcile something inside of me to them. Mostly my dad… to be honest. I was a horrible brother to my sister – a real fuck-wad. I was her enemy from birth and then when she lied about a fight her and I had I was glad to have a reason to be done with her.
It’s been almost 15 years or so since I said more than a couple words to her. And recently I told my dad to jump in a lake too. How long can a person be that shadow?
I can’t tell you how many times he said to me I was a piece of shit or told me I was not worthy of his name. Well, good news. Your only son is a fag and your name dies with him. He got what he wanted.
I wrote him off in December only for the reason that I owed him nothing. He owes me nothing. I can;t ever be what he wanted. I was never good enough.
People do not understand. So when asked about Jack … he’s a ghost.
…Boy – was that a tangent or what???? Shit!!! ha ha ha