I don’t talk about certain things very often. Seems when I do it goes against the grain of the flow of the universe. Count this one up as one of my stranger entries.
Even my witchy friends don’t quite know how to wrap their heads around some if my shit. I swear nature tells me they should be the first ones on board my occasional crazy train but they’re not.
I am being vague on purpose. The purpose was mentioned in the first paragraph.
The world I live in is very different than yours. The solidness of air, the tingle of ambient energy, the radiance of a life force. I see into the souls of those who cannot see themselves.
Keep in mind my thoughts work in metaphors and pictures. I accept the world around me on the same premise.
It frees me to see it differently. I feel intense joy and in the secular world intense anger and resentment. Peace is hardly an option except when far removed from it all.
Good examples of this are several; Burning Man, Faery land (Radical Faery not mythical; though given the time of this entry I am sure it needed to be clarified), and just about anytime I can completely escape the digital leash.
There is a powerful vein of metaphysical energy in the world humans do not respect or honor. It can be a magical thing.
A radical faery I know once said that all humans have magic on them. I told him that simply was not true. Can’t say I know that for certain. But what I do know is seriously fucked up.
Now who sounds crazy now; yep, still me. Not sure why I needed to spill this now. Vague vernal vomit.
Wish I could just say it. But… Just flushing it out.
Category Archives: Feeling it
Goals and plans 2013 to 2014
Having trouble focusing on what I need for me. I came back from Burning Man with some new goals and have not written any of them down. Everything is a distraction and little allows for focus except for C Monster… well, I have to focus on him when he is around because our time together is becoming more precious.
My work schedule is opposite his and we have to see each other less. I cannot cook for him like I would like and that is a solid bummer. I love making us dinner at home.
Anyway, goals for the year are important and making them happen is also vital. I have not always been successful. Understand that over the many years I have figured out that September is a new beginning; it just always seems to work out that way. The rest of the year just seems to get harder and harder, but with a new outlook hopefully that will change:
Immediate Needs:
- start paying people back I owe money to; bills and rent and more… people who helped finance my Burn this year and my parents who have been taking care of my dog who has been really ill
- clean out my clutter and create more order
Oh I hate chaos and though it has it’s uses this time in my life is not it. My bills are horribly out of control and I need to regain some balance and I am really at the stage where I almost have no where to turn but bankruptcy. My student loans and some small tax issues are my biggest demons right now.
Short Term Goals include:
- September – December: Caught up on Bills / Debts
– I want to get some welding classes started
– I need a routine that includes health and fitness - December – January: Prep for 2014 which includes a new living situation, moving in with C Monster, preparing for Burning Man
– Burning Man tickets go on sale January but we are applying for low income
– Start planning for a future with C Monster - February – May: Stabilize life
– this is where life will throw me a curve ball and I will have to learn to roll with it as usual. - June – August: Prep for Burning Man
– I have decided I want to live in a more affordable place and
– Buy a car - August: Burning Man
- September – a new year begins
Longer Term Goals
- 1 year: figure out if C Monster and I are ready for the big leap:
– after financial rebuilding: move in and / possibly get married
– buy a car
– C Monster should be in school starting this year - 2 year: open my own restaurant (see below*)
Career is a big goal for me right now and despite me abandoning Dixie SF in June; I am working on a calculated plan to move ahead in my career. I am watching the ladder very carefully and trying to figure out what life is stirring me toward.
The message of the universe is not always clear, but I will tell you it was screaming at me to leave Dixie. I felt rewarded that I got a job right before Burning Man which I started right after; coincidence? I do not think so. The universe has a plan for me and I am trying like hell to make it work in a positive light for me. *I have a project I started in 2013 by registering a corporation called “Amazing Toaster, LLC” that has gone no where. But that is for another day.
Post Burning Man thoughts
It’s been a week since coming back from Burning Man and the head trip continues. All the baggage I started off with has shifted on meaning.
I stayed sober, relatively speaking, most of the week. Booze and other things were not a priority. I also went to the burn on a shoestring budget and mostly on the wings of others so that helped. Turned out to be a blessing to be too broke and so busy that my energies were better focused.
Gave me a lot more time to think about priorities and my life scenario. I did a lot of reflection while celebrating a lot of friends I have not seen in a while.
For C Monster and I there is a closeness that came from it. Our relationship feels stronger.
For everything else I heard a message that resonated: “Put out to the universe what you want back.” To me that means I have to find something inside myself that allows me to be more positive.
Although I am a diehard optimist, I can be surprisingly negative and mean. I have been judgy and disgusted by people. Omg people make me angry!
At Burning Man this year I buried all my reactions and did all I could to let stuff flow tight off my back and I seem to have been better for it.
After coming back I started the new job and boy has it been tough. Feels like a younger man’s game.
Time will tell. But if I can be a better me I will embrace that.
Amazing is what amazing does
I saw this today in a stupid commercial… but it’s what is missing when a lot of people look at me and the things I do. “A lot of people” seem to exclude a lot of faeries and burners I know… but…
“Normal can never be AMAZING”
In spite of how much people have wanted me to I have always shed the normal path of life. Even with the good decisions and the bad ones I found myself staring fate right in the face.
I have lived my life dreaming. I also remember a childhood being told by a father how I would always be a failure. In the end, I traveled a big chunk of the world and I met movie stars, rock stars, know some of the finest DJ’s on the planet and have felt immense joy and immense anguish. Flown in jets, helicopters and felt such love. I fell down a lot. But I keep getting back up.
I can stand here facing an unknown future and still do a happy dance with amazing people. I worry about my mom and I feel like I failed her, my stepdad and my amazing Tom-Dog. I love them so much. My step dad has been more a dad than the biological one I once knew. I want to do more for her… I would do anything… but being average or normal was never my calling.
NOT A PITY PARTY… but I stand here shedding regrets while respecting the possibilities of the future. I have struggled to toss off the demons and while some are still clinging on hard and firm I have hope. I have this resilient and occasional fleeting sense of hope that keeps me alive.
Damn, too much time on ones hands is not good. I have a ton a ton of shit to do. As I told a friend last night… I got to clear out my negative baggage and move on.
I seek an amazing life. No time for the negative.
SGRF : Trip Report : Part 2
Less than a week ago I came home from the Wolf Creek Sanctuary (WCS) where the Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries (SGRF) was being held. I have known of Wolf Creek for years and dreamed of going there to be part of this liberating witchy and sexual place in the woods. Is the fantasy bigger than the reality?
A friend of mine came by this morning for coffee and asked me about my take away from my experience at the SGRF and it gave me time to formulate my thoughts. As we looked at pictures from the Wolf Creek page on Facebook I took a quick inventory of that fantasy versus reality.
First off I do not think attendance was ever much more than 35 people at any given time and I asked about that, when I was told that there were usually more than a hundred men on the property participating usually. Reasons for people not coming this year:
- a call for a sober space at the gathering
- the rainbow gathering happening the same weekend.
Coming back it took me several days to fully decompress. It felt like the world was so huge and I was in this tiny bubble moving through the city. I was in the woods a week with almost no technology and only some human contact.
Expectations v. Reality
I went with no expectations or intentions because after upsetting my world by quitting my job I just needed a kick-start or reboot. I did know there was going to be witchy stuff and I did know there was going to be a strong sexual presence out there but how it all flowed together I had no idea.
I was first introduced to Wolf Creek through a porno… yet I expected nothing like that at all.
My first day I had some amazing spiritual encounters and I explored the land by walking it and feeling the expansiveness of the space. It was a breathtaking and beautiful venue that stretched up the hills of Oregon. The land itself is rich in energy and spirit that is older than the Faeries currently residing there.
Sexually I waded in and found myself conflicted with the people there because I found myself very attracted to two in particular. That is never good, perse’, because it is just a bad head space to get into.
Anyhoo, I started seeing a lot of pockets of sexual activity and even participated here and there.
There were a smattering of workshops on the schedule hastily thrown together by one of the people working hard at the gathering that were all jacked up on the schedule. Heart circles occurred daily that were really very therapeutic although some made it their personal cathartic stage of self martyrdom or a soap box for their position on sobriety (more on this later). Get a group of people from different walks of life or levels of sobriety and try and have anything different happen… right.
The lack of workshops and overt sexual nature of the limited number of people present made the meaning of the gathering feel a little lost in the fog. Even the workshops that were offered were sexual in nature. It was the outlook of some people that saved me and my outlook in all of it.
Side Story
I arrived on the land Thursday morning about 3:30 am when was the exact time my phone battery completely died. Not a great mystery, I had my phone on all day without charging it. BUT!!!! The thing was I had my phone in my hands when I got out of the car (so I thought) and never saw it again. It was clear I left it in the car… right?
Well, long story short … lost phone … shady experience* with driver made me concerned … misdirected blame … phone mysteriously appears when packing to leave land.
(*I made an agreement with someone to be driven to WCS that was only paying for gas for trip [by Mark my friend because I had no money] and on the way we were baked in the car, then frozen because the windows would not close. That was not the shady part. 2 reasons I do not want to go into here because they are unfounded but perceived, third because she was asking for more money when we got there)
I moved my tent twice in the time I was there. I rolled my my sleeping back and the phone slid across my tent right to my feet. Just as I was getting ready to leave.
Call for Failure
Sobriety also became an issue for many and it caused some buzz around me. For those who know I have supreme social anxiety, but at the same time I am someone that thrives to be on a stage and I love talking to crowds… freak huh? Apparently the announcement for SGRF called for a sober space that was a reason (or one of the reasons) many people elected not to attend.
As it appeared, some of the core people responsible for producing the event were people who were in treatment for sobriety. At least that was what I was told by one of them. The call for sobriety was a fail because it imposed the needs of a few on the many.
I knew going in that Faery gatherings were typically sober spaces and that there was a set time for drinking; yet illegal drugs were not acceptable. Libations were given a window when they were acceptable and we shared them with the ancestors and spirits. There was no such time setup for this at this gathering that I was aware of.
Failure came when it was assumed that a few struggling with addiction imposed it on others. Failure to draw in important attendees that could have expanded the success of the gathering on every level.
What More…?
A divide has surfaced that has weakened Nomenus (the official name of the church who administers WCS), that has caused a number of Faeries to split off into a new organization called Calamus (name taken from Walt Whitman poetry).
I was surprised how man people I talked to did not know of the split because it was certainly felt at WCS’ recent Beltane event according to another producer I spoke to. It is a shame to see this divide but given the divisive politics that have been rumbling through social networks and the rumblings of members and officers in the community it feels like there are a lot of heels in the sand politics.
This is not my battle nor is it my politics. It is a shame as someone merging into this community and become acquainted with so much conflict. The other side of the coin is that there is a lot of really good here and it gets muddled in personal agendas instead of what makes the unit stronger.
NOTHING against Calamus or Nomenus… maybe this is just the natural progression of what it is.
In the end…
The week was uplifting and I found myself loving, liking and even disliking people I was with. In the closing circle someone started something that should have been quite nice:
Roughly recalled: “You are special and I love you”
…or something like that. I could not do that. Granted, the person that started this in the circle was beautiful and amazing and I felt genuine love, but I could not say that to a few of the people there and I pulled back hard. We were tasked to look each person in the eyes and say that, finishing with a hug, and that was not who I could be in that moment.
I was pissed when people demanding sobriety were the same people smoking themselves into a stupor because their drug (pot v. alcohol or anything else for that matter) was okay. I drank almost nightly when I was there and took my anxiety medication on top of it. I was okay with it even if others were not.
I left the land feeling blessed and I left with some good advice from someone unexpected; about how to matriculate back into the default world. I was faced with hostile, miserable people all the way home once I was back on the BART heading into the city. I kept my head low and my thoughts focused on the bubble of my universe and stayed out of everyone else’s orbits.
I came home happy that I did what I did and feeling thoughtful and blessed. Part of me felt like I had a mission on my return as well. I am rethinking all that now… wondering if WCS was where I needed to be again. Should I go back to Samhain? (rhetorical question answerable only by me). But, I think I would rather not be a part of other people’s politics.
Us, We, Them: Trip Report Part1
I disappeared off the earth again for a few days while doing some self discovery. I went to a place I dreamed about going to for as many as 6 years; it was called Wolf Creek Sanctuary. The details on the people and history are on their web site, but going there is vastly different.
We learn about ourselves when we are snatched out of our routine, let alone our comfy and safe environment, and set in the deep Oregon wood like where I went. The space has an incredible history, mostly concerning my adventure was the last 40 years since it was founded by queer San Francisco radicals who were called: Radical Faeries.
The property is called a sanctuary as it is also a church with a lot of neo-pagan ideals. This event was called the Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries (SGRF) at Wolf Creek which makes sense since it is a sanctuary and a spiritual center. Personally, I felt I keyed into that reality fairly quickly as I was able to tap into energies around me that molded my time there; in some cases very far out of my control.
I plan on writing more about this and covering these subjects in detail in the next day or two and invite you to participate. I plan on returning to the community in October for Samhain (pronounced: Sow-when). Observations and things I feel like talking about include:
- Boundaries of the body and mind: what’s appropriate and what’s hypocrisy
- Radical Faeries meet Burners: principles of a community compared
- Gender and space
- Spirituality in the matrix versus perception and subjective interpretation
And there you have it…. just a beginning of the dialog to follow.
I came back changed – inspired – renewed – hopeful …. and unemployed so I have to face that dragon really fast. I wish I could take C Monster on that journey with me. But… while I was there and he was here he had his own experiences and he too seems happier. I hope we can stay that way.
I am a horrible human
So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.
Me and Mom
I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…
Too long…
As usual it is a year and a day since I made my last entry so much has happened and I forget about this thing. This blog. I used to be so good at keeping it updated.
I had an honest to goodness acid trip at a new Beltane and in the same week I went through a lot of emotional shit.
Tom the dog is having surgery on Friday and I can’t be there. I’ve had to face so much recently. Facing the mirror sucks especially when you hate what is looking back.
Drama and bullshit everywhere. I’ll try and write more soon. Sigh….
Happy New Year
C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into. It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old. I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.
SantaCon SF on Saturday
Well, finally hit SantaCon in SF this weekend and went with C Monster. He actually dressed up in costume and went outside…. wow.
While the day may not have gone as smoothly and joyous as anticipated I feel like I had a good day. Unfortunately this was a weekend of too much ‘holiday cheer’ from a bottle and it effected us a lot.
I went to Satunalia on my own last night and C Monster went out on his own. Doing things on our own is good, but one has to be careful not to take it too far. I have not been able to reach him since last night. #worried