So, the last few days has been a course of reflection and you might have noted in my last 2 posts I talked a lot about potentially moving to Portland very soon. It has also been a good time to try and figure out HOW to move forward in WHAT mindset I should be in. Frankly, this time in San Francisco has been … at best … difficult.
The best part of living here has been CMonster. Making friends here has been very tough. And, trying to be a part of the community here has been just as tough; whether we are talking about the Burners or the Radical Faeries. I have never been in a place where it was so hard to crack the nut. While it might not be them so much as myself; I have to figure that out on my own.
I saw this post today on Facebook by “Coop“: “Want an example of how beliefs create your reality and drive your behavior? I just got off the phone with an international client who runs a non-profit, a consulting firm and works for a global relief organization. (Yes, she has 3 big jobs!) Needless to say, she’s near burnout and couldn’t understand why she committed to all of these high-profile responsibilities. For 3 weeks, we focused on the core issues and today, we finally identified the core belief driving her need to over-commit: She wasn’t loveable. Because of that, she didn’t love herself. Because of that, she didn’t like herself and she was being a martyr – basically burning herself out by pouring all of her effort into work while ignoring her health, key relationships and taking on more than is humanly possible. She felt isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people who loved and respected her. When we cleared the belief that she was not loveable, she felt a huge relief – and created a plan to shift her situation. I’m so fortunate to be able to do this work with amazingly brilliant and talented people” Coop (Micheal Cooper) does a lot of consulting for professionals.
That is not all. The article came out last week and was linked on Facebook by another of my amazing people in my life and it struck me.
Here is a Link to the Original Article: 10 Things That The People Who Love Their Lives Are Doing Differently
Surprise, surprise… happy people live their lives differently. They don’t have different lives. They just do a better job at living them than those who are unhappy.
They don’t bother trying to make others like them — mainly because they don’t care if they’re liked.
I don’t really know how much this applies to me. While I have tried to demonstrate to some people that I am committed to a specific cause or community that we have in common I wanted your respect more than your friendship. Don’t like me… I don’t care. Say I am a bad guy for any reason, you’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. But I do my best and if it is not good enough for you then – seeya.
They do things because they want to do them, not because they believe they have to do them.
For me this is a 50/50 issue as the work I do with Queer Burners feels like an obligations some times mostly because no one else steps up to lead and try and get people together in a community. It’s been moreso here in San Francisco where it is a bitch to get burners together. I have been beating a dead horse here.
They love their friends but don’t rely on them.
Yep. Don’t learn this the hard way. Your expectations will be the death of you.
When you ask them what they do, they don’t give you a job title.
Yep. I think I got this one too. If I have to put a label on myself I chose Renaissance Man… works.
When you ask them where they live, they say, “At the moment…”
Sorta… I think I might have this one but when I think about it, it is hard to step outside myself and see. I certainly do not think about things like other people and when you ask me about making soft plans for next week… I will often tell you ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’ while when it come times to make plans to move that is planning. So, yeah.
They have their own philosophies, their own religion they created and live by.
Yep. Got this one too. My choices are those that people just don’t get and are quick to judge. Walk a mile in my moccasins. Or don’t; see item 1.
They embrace their impermanence.
Yep.
They see the world as their playhouse and their mind as the conductor.
You were saying…?
They live in the moment, but dream in the future.
#fail… sorta. I have to say I have spent too much time anchored to the past and often my head in the clouds. The best thing I could do for myself is to find my passion and drive. Then implement it. Right now I am feeling very broken and heavy. Fixing that has to happen first maybe.
They don’t bother changing others, but instead learn how to deal with them appropriately.
Yep. Never thought of trying to change others. However, if I can get CMonster to make some changes I think we would be more successful. But maybe that is exactly what is wrong with us?
So, those are the items some article says that people who love their lives. Just reading through these it feels like television is telling us all these things in reverse. Is that weird? Is that a weird realization now as I sat here seeing how my own life applied to those bullet points?
So, I do ask myself what I am doing wrong in my life to be where I am. Not that I am not counting the blessings I have. Not that I am trying to she the regrets based on a lot of bad decisions in life; chuck those out and move on. Not that I remain ever optimistic for the future. All I can do is work on freeing myself from any remaining baggage and move forward.
I often see very positive energy coming my way and while I see it, energy does not always become matter. I wish there was more of a manifestation of something of that energy… or how that energy can drive me forward into more internal passion.
right now is focusing on Portland. I want to move to Portland, OR and find a home. From there I will get a job as quickly as I can and just start living again.
Mind you I have some people I consider to be friends here, but there are times when it is clear that the friendship is one way. Not all, but it is a mutha-fukin’ struggle to get together with people. And I have discovered that party-friends are great when the party is happening but absent otherwise.
Male friends who like the naked things who love going to playful places not necessarily wanting to have sex, but comfortable enough with themselves and others that boundaries are gray. Drinking and partying may be involved but nothing so wild it gets stupid. Dancing is great, let’s make a posse, but let’s not get lost but maybe let’s get dinner. **
It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.
good atmosphere and I can produce lovely work. Not artsy shit like they had at Alexanders… one dessert really looked like Hello Kitty blew her brains out on a plate.