The weight of the world is on me as I write this. Dramatic as it sounds, I cannot stop thinking about everything.
My last entry was an attempt to douse a few of my distractions and close the door on some of the fucking 
bullshit I let creep into my life. Alas it just seemed to clear the road for other things.
As much as I try to hunker down and find peace and some assemblance of happiness the fleeting it is.
It’s impossible to communicate the inner conflicts and make sense of it while standing in the eye of the storm. And the storm really feels disorientating. There I go with my metaphors again.
Its how my brain seems to make sense of things but right now it just is not working.
(tmi section) Even this morning when C and I were having some yummy sexy time it all got to be too much. I just completely shut down… Information overload.
Yet I am all alone on this one too. C just can’t understand though he really tries.
I feel like I need some time alone for a while and I need the ability to figure this out, though my choices have been really questionable.
Category Archives: Drama – Pass please
Just a few little thoughts added
After my previous post, maybe right now a Quija Board is not in my immediate future. After reading through, even for me, I cannot justify trying that right now.
Just reading through some of the things I posted and read on the sites linked I figured I am not in a place to use it.
Sigh… I am off to work soon anyway. I am at a job I am starting to hate, too. Not sure if it is my own attitude or just that I am not feeling it. I am told I bitch too much and my own outlook (attitude) is a factor and I am trying to reflect to see if that is the case.
Love & Light, yo
Against the wall again
One of the older faeries here in the city sent me a text message asking I we could meet and talk. He mentioned my current hard times and was offering to be a sounding board on some levels. So I am waiting outside Cafe Flore for him. He text me saying he would be a little late.
I spend a lot of time analyzing. I spent a lot of time trying to find reason. Some times I make conclusions and then discover how far far far I am from reality.
I am a misfit. I’ve become some desperate wreck trying to balance between what is right….what I should do versus what my gut says…versus Common sense’.
People are great with advice and what they insist is right but are not around to see the impact of the crash.
I have aligned myself with two cultures or ideals that proselytizes radical self expression and radical self reliance and the two seem to hardly fit together unless there is a trust fund in the back pocket.
It’s nice how my boyfriend is working hard on being supportive even as he goes through his own stuff right now.
My mom and step dad are struggling so much too. I imagine going to my ex, Adolfo, asking for help but that is just one more potential disaster.
Its hard to breathe. Anger rules me inside. Fear. Anxiety. How does one stay open in all of that?
Ordering one well overdue miracle please.
New Path Ahead
Good Morning Monday… today I am unemployed and have no income coming in at all. I spent much of the weekend (when sober) contemplating how today was to begin. What are my goals? And how do I move forward within the scope of making all things, plans and dreams work. It can be done and I will manifest this destiny.
Leaving Dixie was leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, I got along extremely well with everyone there and really cared about my work and job but 1 single person was the fly in the soup and he happen to be the guy who ran the show; just a pitiful soul.
Alas I move forward and will further work to clear my spirit with a short spiritual retreat this week. I have been BLESSED with an opportunity to drop off the map for a couple days and go to Wolf Creek Sanctuary for the Spiritual Retreat and Men’s Gathering of which I have really dreams about going for years. I will be gone Weds through Sunday.
Meanwhile I will begin building a new base for myself and ground on which to walk. My path is built on a core of a positive outlook and assurance that I am good at what I do. Although some people in my life have a hard time understanding me and who I am inside others are quick to feel my confidence and help through supportive words and hugs that are unimaginably lifting.
Thank you Mark for your supportive words yesterday and thanks to many others too. When I left Dixie a lot of people congratulated me knowing well that I was miserable there working for a miserable human being. While some people would not see that as an excuse to leave they were not walking in my shoes. By leaving I upset a lot of my plans for this year; paying back debts as well as some of the things I value in my life experience. Certainly it could have damaged relationships with core people in my life (and may have), but faith is still something important to me. If you do not have faith in my then please step out of the way. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
Love & Light!
Losty McDumbfuck
Last night I took another evening for myself. These evenings seem to involve a lot of numbing myself out and getting into questionable circumstances.
I bought a yummy brownie and was warned not to eat much of it. I ate more than the recommended amount and had drinks so before midnight o was pretty faced.
Waking up this morning I felt like an ashtray. Why do I do this shit to myself?
As much as I cut some bad things out I find myself sinking into other things more. Is this addiction or just escapism? Both? Meh, its a lot.
C Monster and I are still good. He is doing AA and I am proud of him. He had a big slip last week but no one beats him up like himself.
I need therapy again. I am losing myself. I am lost.
I am a horrible human
So, I have been made aware what a shitty human I seem to be. It’s been been pointed out by other people inside and outside of my head. Outside my head I have began realizing there are a lit of people I love dearly whom I have taken for granted. It seems to evolve around money more than anything else where I falter.
Me and Mom
I do appreciate love and warmth from people and I think I show that well. Loyalty and honesty are huge for me.
Inside my head my conscience is a real screamer. I have let down a lot of people and somewhere I failed myself and my soul.
I let down all of my parents and some of my ex’s. My unreal idealism and expectations have sunk me right into a hole
Yeah… I am pretty down on myself and for good reasons. Too. Tomorrow… As you can see on the twitter feed .. My dog Tom is going in for surgery to have both eyes removed. He is blind with diseased eyes and is in a lot of pain. He is with my mom in the country which is a blessing on one hand, because I could never care for him. On the other hand unless I can shit money she is getting stuck with the bill.
I owe my mom so much… A lifetime of things and a lot of money along the way.
I love that dog more than almost anything or anyone. I failed them all. I let them down and myself, so you see how it all makes sense. Sigh…
Too long…
As usual it is a year and a day since I made my last entry so much has happened and I forget about this thing. This blog. I used to be so good at keeping it updated.
I had an honest to goodness acid trip at a new Beltane and in the same week I went through a lot of emotional shit.
Tom the dog is having surgery on Friday and I can’t be there. I’ve had to face so much recently. Facing the mirror sucks especially when you hate what is looking back.
Drama and bullshit everywhere. I’ll try and write more soon. Sigh….
Happy New Year
C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into. It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old. I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.
SantaCon SF on Saturday
Well, finally hit SantaCon in SF this weekend and went with C Monster. He actually dressed up in costume and went outside…. wow.
While the day may not have gone as smoothly and joyous as anticipated I feel like I had a good day. Unfortunately this was a weekend of too much ‘holiday cheer’ from a bottle and it effected us a lot.
I went to Satunalia on my own last night and C Monster went out on his own. Doing things on our own is good, but one has to be careful not to take it too far. I have not been able to reach him since last night. #worried
A week ago – I got hit by a bus
A week ago Friday I got hit by a bus while riding a bike I recently got. I got the bike right before Burning Man and started riding it the week I returned.
I got off work at 4pm and was on my way home. I usually ride down Chestnut to Van Ness in order to avoid the hill climb. There is always a hill, but most street through Pac Heights are way too steep for a bike.
I rode down Chestnut, turning up on Van Ness. The first intersection is a little tricky because I have to cross traffic to get past Lombard street.
I don’t know exactly where I first came to be in the bus’s path but I noticed he pushed past me to get to his stop but crossed my line of traffic far enough before me that I mere noticed his action, but did not think much of it.
The second time he cross my line of traffic closer and I went around him while he was picking up passengers and pulled into the x-walk ahead of him. I do remember thinking to myself… if I am in this guy’s way I will steer clearer to the right as the light was changing. I could see the crossing light was changing, so I mounted the bike and rode wide letting the bus go by before entering traffic.
At this point we were heading up hill on Van Ness and as I closed in on Jackson I ended up ahead of the driver again and he cut me off very much closer to get to his stop at Jackson. It was so close that I stopped at his right read tail light and took a picture of his bus number thinking I might call MUNI and complain about him. I was, at least getting concerned as all these events were adding up.
I rode around the left side of the bus and called the driver an expletive/racist word – yeah I know I should not have. I had no idea if he heard me or not, but I just kept riding.
He pulled up along side of me looking at me through the door of the bus as we were approaching Clay Street. I tried to ignore him. As I continued in my line of traffic he pulled ahead and merged against me. I was coming up on the left corner of a parked car at the time. I saw a rear view mirror sticking out I was trying not to hit and ended up against the wall of the bus.
I was dragged along the wall of the bus, over the rubber accordion section of the bus, and then off the metal panel behind it. I rolled off just passed the parked car and avoided hitting the ground just barely.
The bus paused just at the other side of the intersection of Clay and Van Ness. I could see the brake lights. Then he continued on.
I called the police and reported the situation to a motorcycle policeman and a MUNI investigator.
The policeman noticed before I did an abrasion on my my left elbow, which was closest to the bus. There was no other evident damage or injury until the policeman noted two divots in the back of my helmet.
I did ride home and as I went into my bedroom immediately after I started feeling soreness and stiffness in my neck and left shoulder. So, I went to the emergency room the the Ft. Miley V.A. and saw a doctor who diagnosed me with whip-lash and gave me vicadin.
I have not ridden my bike since because of discomfort and a loss of security when riding. I have chosen not to while I deal with this whip lash.
I am scheduled to see another Doctor on Tuesday.