Category Archives: Drama – Pass please

and a little venting….

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I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.

Scott Aug 1966

Scott Aug 1966


I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack,  #father,  #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side

Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side


My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.
Me and Mom

Me and Mom


Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.

The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
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Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?

a letter to Jack K I will never send

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It’s been a while since there was any communication and it is probably better that way as long as things are the way they are. All the reasons it seems you, Sandy and Lynn seem to think I walked away  are whatever you can imagine. I know the things I heard are wrong, but it is what it is.
I decided to just let go and tell you I think about you quite a bit, but based on life experience so far it’s not worth hoping to anticipate any further relationship in this lifetime.
That day I woke up and realized you and I will never be the same members of any kind of loving family  was not the same day I lost you as a dad. While you were still a father who still showed some level of compassion I now know I lost you when I was about 13 with divorce and soon after the final grave stone seems to be the day you met Beth; of all things.
Subsequently in the years before I joined and left for the Air Force in 1983 you told me:

  • you (to me) will never be worthy of carrying your last name (thankfully it dies with me anyway)
  • you (to me) will never amount to anything and I am worthless

Geez, just those few things were worth three years of therapy that at some point I thought I got past and when in a bout of self pity realized just how much your voice was still in my head.
That day, a few years ago when I hung up the phone after our conversation I realized that everything was wrong with this toxic and sick relationship. It would never be better. In recent times I also began concluding that the problem is really in me: the damage is inside of me and it is my responsibility to get past THAT and find my future and my voice.
If I emulate anything that is like you I try and change it; to kill any part of you inside of me. You voice, your thinking, your being is like acid to me and I can’t hope for a future that has you or your daughter in it. You are definitely perfect for each other.
Say what you would about my mom, Sallie, but she has been a pillar of steel and survived and thrived and shown more love and backbone than you ever did.
As for your deluded and self-involved daughter her sad soul has to deal with the lies she said about me. So good luck. Goodbye. I am tired of fighting your voice, your self-involved bullshit. I HATE how much I am like you in so many ways. I really do.

wrecked

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It happens time to time where I look around and I feel like I have no friends and bf is busy doing his own thing. I feels like I am really feeling so alone. Sucks.
Those Facebook friends… are all so far away. Those people you loved locally… do they love you back?
Those friends in L.A. and Vegas and other cool places are so far away. ugh…

my last note to Alexanders

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I want to thank Erin and Sean for your incredible empathy during this crazy time. When I came by the restaurant yesterday I was able to remember how much I really appreciate this group of people I worked with.
I also told Sean a story that for me is the premise of my departure. I was upset and a little demoralized over the name calling stuff, but the impact was the real lack of healthy communication between Gail and I.
I tried on several occasions to build a communicative bridge with Gail and requested conversations that never resulted in anything positive.

  • I had a review at 30 days that rated me at “average” but the feedback I got was widely negative. I was gobsmacked and the conversation was one direction; even sections reserved for me to fill out on the form were filled out by Gail.
  • I tried again before the 90 day period was up. I got an email from Gail where she told me “It’s my job to help you succeed” but that never happened. It was before her vacation and I am certain the motivation was just to keep things steady in the department.
  • At the beginning of January I heard her say, a couple times over, “I have to work with that I got” and it seemed to be directed at us as a team; as if she was stuck with us.
  • I talked to her about increasing my pay once and she said I had to wait for 1 year before that happen. In the scope of that conversation there was no discussion about her concerns that I recall.

In fairness Gail did voice complaints about some of my processes and I tried to address them and make corrections. Unfortunately there was as if always something wrong but I worked really hard to demonstrate my passion and commitment and it never made an impact which led to this point right now. There was never a positive comment.
I was dismissed by Gail early on, but I was a warm body. The only thing I could think of as the foundation of our problems was my age over her 20 something other employees and a complete lack of interest by Gail to build a positive working relationship.
I love the ideas she had with food. She was incredibly creative in her menu presentations. I learned a lot in spite of the circumstances and am appreciative of all my other coworkers.
Scott

Drifting

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Why should I start with a title before writing something here? I do and then I want to change it when done. I started today’s title with: Drifting.
There are those rare moments when I feel like I am standing at the edge and close to giving up all faith. I feel like I am going no where and continuously sinking into the ground while finding nothing of a future for me. My career is a joke. I am almost 50 years old and still making $14./hour in a seriously SHIT job.
I tell people… as soon as I got a college education I started making a lot less money.
Somewhere along the way I fell down and got a bad road rash and I have been struggling and falling almost constantly for the better part of a decade.
Yes I have blessings in my life. I have what remains of my family: mom, step dad-bob, crazy step sister Christine and a few other steps  like a lot and love. Top of the pile is C Monster … he has stuck with me through hell and high water. I am lucky to have someone that loves me like that. I did little to deserve it.
On my way home form work tonight … yes 1am in the morning… I stared out of my dead eyes and I told myself I was seeing the end of the rope again. A handful of the right pills and a good solid nap I probably won’t have to deal with all that shit anymore. But… some fucked up click in the universe seems to have made an afterlife nearly as complicated as life we know.
Ending it all would hurt my mom and my C Monster and those are things I can’t leave behind. If I just gave up what would I have to live for? Often it is very much the case where I feel all I have to do is jump and get it over with.
Do you every ruminate? I have these thoughts of being really high up and falling a lot… damn if it does not freak me out. I get this vertigo feeling when up high on a ledge… freaky.

mad world

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Yep, I am back there again. Yep, really feeling like the world is slipping out from under my feet. As much as feel like I am struggling there is a conflict of reality basically telling me I am not good enough and a failure; it’s a familiar voice. I am drowning and I am a man of contingency, but dreams can not float on a vacuum.
P1010006aSo, the ghost of my biological father has been haunting me. Well, better to say my daddy-baggage. He is still alive and within the scope of these hard times I am feeling incredibly depressed. But then again, I have been over committing myself in the light of a heating up season for Burning Man.
Definitely it feels there has been a spirit hovering around me and I suspect at least one of them has been my Tom Dog. Not sure why he has been here, but I felt him really strong last night. Not that he is the only one buzzing around… I can’t seem to pinpoint who it might be though I have my suspicions.
yeah, I know it sounds crazy and I know it also sounds kind of stupid. All I can say is this is what I feel sometimes. My ghosty experiences in this city have been few and far apart.
Bottom line… I am seriously struggling and am just losing faith in myself. I hate my job situation. My career path is broken and overgrown with weeds. I need to change.
C Monster is the best thing I got right now.

Just When

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Just when I thought I could get away from drama in my life (yeah right), the path is changed. I thought in my previous post that I would be a3settling with C Monster in for the long run and last night we concluded that chapter. Poetically speaking – on Valentines Day.
Things are so raw right now and the reasoning behind it is not within grasp. I made some huge mistakes and in spite of trying to back pedal on them I cast the what I did and this is where I am left.
I really loved him and I loved more that he loved me back. But this love had so many very deep flaws in it. It seems to have been clear since the beginning of the year that this was becoming forced and desperate.

Bill Collectors

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My mom called to say a bill collector looking for me called my biological sister looking for me??? I have not talked or communicated with her in decades.
Insane. I have walked away from some pretty awful family. That is my sister and my father.
Step dad Bob was a better dad than mine ever was. Ugh. See previous posts #father.
Anyhoo. Happy Monday!
Maybe it should also be noted I have no idea what this bill collector could be calling about. Sigh.

The road less traveled is I

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I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?

Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?


those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.

  • Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
  • C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?

Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?


Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!

Baggage

For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t.  They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:

  • his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
  • his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy

You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:

  • I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
  • I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that

So what do I do now?

It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:

  • quote: “Fortune favors the Bold“
  • quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.”
    – Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black“

A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work

A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work

… Bus babble….

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Seems odd that C Monster and I had another weekend so full of chaotic behavior that the end result seemingly brought us a little closer.
He fell of the wagon and threw down on some serious drinking. For those unawares he has been staying sober because he cannot handle his booze. He becomes someone I do not like.
Alas I decided to go out on my own Sunday night and had a great time, but that was with a lot of vodka. I did have a lot of fun at Powerhouse.
While I seriously considered breaking up even if it was a temporary break, I somehow realized just how much we love each other. This guy genuinely loves me and I him.
I do find myself unable to find the desire for sex with him. I get turned on, but I feel like something will go wrong. It does take me a lot longer to get to home-plate…. So, yeah.
So. There is a quick update while I am on the bus to work. So yeah. TMI huh?