One of the highlights of my trip was a gathering at Comfort & Joy where a guy named Coop and a female shaman named Gigi led a workshop called “Faggots and their Fathers”. If you have not noticed from my blog… my life… I have some daddy issues. In fact, I have an art piece I plan on doing that speaks to that.

Well, the workshop got started and I tried to stay on the fringe of the group because I REALLY have issues in this area. 2 years of therapy recently only got me so far. For the first half of the dialog I was a soppy, messy drippy mess and I was trying to hide behind myself the whole time. I could not look at the other participants.

Eventually I calmed down, but I never missed out on anything. I participated with all the exercises and listened to all that was said. One exercise involved us conjuring up some Aztec goddess for help and it involved a strange ceremony that you might think you were getting punked with. It was a meditation and I am pretty down with that anyways, but I think the mutual energy in the room made it much moe powerful.

All in all the class was extremely cathartic and fulfilling… no it was healing. I ended up staying behind after and spend time with Coop and Gigi and they took me a step further. I worked with Gigi on s couple exercises and then she did her shaman thing. I physically felt her pulling something out of me and since then I just feel so different.

I would like to think my demeanor has changed and people would notice it. However, a lot of people here do not know me that well. I’m not sure anyone knows me that well.

It made leaving burning man easier because there was a lot of emotions on this trip. There was a lot of anger. I could not be what someone in my camp wanted or expected. I let their passive-aggressive attacks slide off my back. I never relied on my own expectations because each day out there was it’s own day and I took them one at a time.

I left thinking about that gathering and still focus on the feeling that my chest is more open and a lot of the weight is gone. I hope I found my new light.

Having walked the dog and am winding down for bed I thought I would add a little more to my story. In the previous chapter I might have seemed harsh on Christine, but I appreciate a lot she took on.

Meeting the Past

While out there one of my missions was to make as many connections as I can. Mostly people from the web site I manage www.gayburners.com where I am having a great time connecting with people and groups.

One of the camps I exchange mail with occasionally is the Down Low Club. It is a place that tends to be popular with a segment of the population. I reposted a half-ass article today in the Huffington Post that talked about it and other camps relating to the gay community of BM.

I took Christine with me to meet the guys who run the operation of the camp. While there I flirt with the local ginger guy only to have him call me by my real name; which a lot of people don’t know within Burning Man itself. Turns out this guy was a guy I was in love with 25 years ago whom I literally thought was dead.

Mind fuck is the words that come to mind. I had trouble going back to the camp because of it. It was good seeing him in the end and I never really knew if he felt the same for me back then. At least he never offered that information.

On the last day I went back to him after all the other experiences I had and just talked with him a little while re-affirming that it was a joy to have reconnected … at Burning Man of all places.

The burner world is a small world

Every year has been so different. This year, different took another dimension. I had the fortune and support to bring a piece of art to Burning Man that did not go over so well, but it was the journey that mattered. I have to tell myself that because there is no way I am going to let all that energy mean nothing.

Getting to Burning Man was at the expense of my sister who really is responsible for the logistics and transportation. I ended up having some stupid HUGE money issues and she generously helped me out. If it were not for her I would have never made. She was an 11th hour add. Burning Man kindly offered me a ticket to help bring the project  to life and I brought Christine on board and thank goodness I did.

In the previous 2 years I stayed with large camps surrounded by friends. This year a small group of friends, many of us linked through Facebook alone, created Area 69. It was a small collective of people and I had my dear friend Freddy was there. Overall we had a really good camp but there was way too much complacency and drama for any burner camp – that always bring a cloud over things.

I had no agenda when I went and I think having Christine there allowed me to go there with fewer expectations. My attention to her was enough that I was able to let go and embrace this time with friends and family. Christine and I have been the closest of all my siblings much of your years growing up. We both have changed so much. Her and I had a hard time connecting steadily, but we had our shining moments.

Burning Man 2011

This might be a part 1 of whatever because there were moments and experiences that shine and some that burned emotionally. It was all enough that left me with some powerful shifts in my identity that I talked about in my personal blog.

My camp was a challenge and as much as I love some people there were moments of extreme pain. It was the magnetic pull of someone’s expectations bringing me into an uncomfortable position several times over and both of us trying very hard to come to a meeting of minds and hearts.

Whatever I am made of, puppy dog tails and sticky snails, I am who I am. At Burning Man I get a chance to add dimension to that and by being completely removed from the default world I get to see the raw definition of me – good or bad – and get to dissect it. When I am able to pull off an undesirable piece of that I am fortunate.

Being there with Christine I was challenged and questioned myself pretty deeply. I was forced to reflect and consider my ability to communicate effectively. I found after some time that as much as she contributed and made things happen her demons were forced on me over and over. Almost every conversation came with some wildly snarky comment spoken under her breath like there was a small leak in the filter that is between the mind and the mouth. I actually wondered if I heard what I was hearing. There was one moment, a funny moment if you were looking at this from the outside, where I honestly thought I was hallucinating her comments. Let’s just say that involved a brownie gifted to me that I will explain in a later post.

Being there with Freddie I was challenged more by his boyfriend whom I have had some issues with. My challenge was to appreciate him more and support Freddie in his love for him. I got to see they really love each other a lot. Although I think Mike makes some bad decisions when it comes to people, I cannot deny how much he loves Freddie and that is all that matters. I learned to appreciate Mike more.

Other members of the camp were like the background characters in a sitcom because there was a lot of dimension from this crew. All were generally lovely people and I think we were connecting for the most part. Whatever drama and stress mostly washed off the backs of most people there. I think we did our best to make a nice camp.

Some people have made it clear they don’t want to camp with each other again. I am remiss that Freddie was so turned off with the drama that he is turned off with the idea of doing a camp like this again. I asked him and Mike to be part of my camp next year and neither are interested. Sigh…

There is sooooooo much more… my dog is demanding to go outside and I need to go to bed soon. More to come…