Frustration. Stress. Tension. Anxiety. Nerves. Sadness. Thought…

Everything in the previous sentence are words applying to the moment. I want

to cry, but I can’t. There is so much going on in my life and I think that today

I started seeing the limits again. It’s time for the walls to expand a little

and make more room. I run into walls some times, but the idea is to learn how

to make the space more able to expand and hold it all together. My walls are

flexible… some times it takes a while to stretch.

So… no need to go into all the things that are happening. They are all contained

in these diary pages already. Needless to say that tomorrow I start the new

job and I uncertain what that will bring. I have had no money coming in for

so long and I am borrowing out the wazzooo to get by. I am seeing Adolfo still

and that is going well. Yesterday we had a nice evening out and tonight we seemed

to engine parts moving at different speeds, this is why I think I am starting

to hit my walls.

This week I started asking myself …what will make me happy? What elements

need to be present to make me happy? Ironically, my horoscope today on Yahoo.Com

presented me with the following:

Capricorn Horoscope (by astrocenter.com) You may be driving yourself crazy

by trying to be someone who you are not, dear Capricorn. Perhaps you were inspired

a long time ago to do something or be someone specific. The reality has finally

hit that this is not what you are fated to do or become. Dealing with the truth

of the situation may be difficult for you to handle. Perhaps your whole self-identity

was wrapped up in this particular concept. You must now rebuild the structure

of who you are. It is better to do it now rather than later.

What does that mean and what the hell??? I started this whole "What do

I need to make me happy?" thing starting on Saturday and feel like it is

something I need to be doing right now. Adolfo would not understand it, but

this may be a whole ‘white-boy’ thing with issues of anxiety and stress. I know

we have this tendency to fixate on things that are not so really important.

Somehow, this question seems to be very important to me right now.

If I look at the horoscope entry in itself I would ask what path am I on that

is not right for me? Honestly, I have been thinking about moving away from Technology

Support and being the slave of so many people. I deeply desire to begin a business

operation and have been pouring a lot of time into a project here in Las Vegas.

In fact, it was the reason I moved here.

These can take flight, but I wonder if the fruits of my work will ever come

to fruition. I wonder if they will turn into what I hope they will. I have worked

so long and hard on this only to be felled by people and new walls that I hurdle

as much as I can. I can jump pretty high if forced to.

I went to the Dahan Institute to see about starting classes in Message Therapy

which would be a 7 month program starting on May 25th. I also am looking at

a Culinary Arts Degree at UNLV. I wanted to do a more tactile type of work in

the future and these can help me do that. Right now I am working several enterprises

to earn money and not a damn one is working! Maybe that is what the Horoscope

is all about, huh?

Well, crap. Who knows? Gary – do you know? Floyd??? Mikey??? Momma???

Well, wish me luck tomorrow. I am off on another new adventure.

Here is a pic from the web cam of me and Adolfo. I realize that in the last

few weeks I have been jumping around man to man. I also made this great decision

that I was in no place for a boyfreind right now as well. I suppose that means

I have been all over the map? God’s honest truth is I do not neccessarily knopw

what I want. For that matter, I think a lot of people have no clue at all what

the fuck they want in the first place. Yes, I still think men suck. When it

comes to relationships men are the worst creatures.

Adolfo and I met in Long Beach, California back in 1994. We were both out at

Ripples (a gay dance club on the beach there), and as I recall I had to do a

lot of chasing around for him. Anyway, we dated a while I think. Something like

3 or 4 months. I think we did a lot of things together. We went to Disneyland

(anything Disney I love!) and we went to visit my mom for Thanksgiving. I know

we even spent Christmas that year together, ya know. How do I know all this???

Well, in one of my oldest photo albums contains all those memories. I had to

ask him about what the hell happened to us? Why did we stop seeing each other?

Well, as it turns out we seemed to have glided away from each other and stopped

calling each other. I thought he was not really interested in me and he was

unsure of where I stood at the time as well. Makes sence, if you think about

it, because neither of us were talking about these things with each other. Another

problem is that I have NO memory of the past… that is much of my history is

pretty blank. I cannto explain this… except some experimenting between the

ages of 16 and 17 that may still be causing some…. deterioration.

As it turned out, I moved to Boston in 1996 and about the same time Adolfo

moved to Las Vegas. So, Jeffy-Jeff and I were shopping at Desert Passage and

as we were strolling past one of the shops I noticed one fine looking boy. I

noticed one fine looking ass. Yeah baby! THEN he turned arouns and the looks

of recognistion were registering. Could I remeber his name? No… Yet he could

instantly recall everything about me. I tell you, my brain is fried.

It took a while for us to connect. I went through Hector and some other guy

in the interim and since then Adolfo and I have been spending a lot of time

together. He is originally from El Savadore and and is nearly my age. He is

close to his family and is really laid back which I dig. I was able to tell

him some of my darlest secrets which makes him a keeper.

On another note… I am working on the business stuff again and will be preparing

for next week. The new YOB starts next week and I am anticipating all the way!

Cheers!

It’s been just a few days since I made an entry in my diary. A few things have

happened since then. Mostly, I have been missing Mikey. Mikey was supposed to

be coming home today and he got stuck in Canada because of our bizarre border

laws. I know there are reasons for these rules, but give me a break. This is

a country that will let terrorists in but not loopy Canadians!

Anyhoo, Saturday I was chased into the WAL Mart parking lot by a nice woman

who said I should be modeling. She invited me to a "model search"

and I went. It’s a decent looking enough organization, but the whole thing was

a dog and pony show to show their website www.optionstalent.com where models

can be listed and searched through their data base. It’s a good idea. They put

on a big show and I guess myself and a few other people there kinda stood out…

not, my ego is in check. I know I am not a greek god or anything like that.

But, I photograph well and I am in the process of loosing weight. So, it is

coming together.

Anyway, I like what they are offering. I would like to list myself on the site

and see what work I can do from it. It would cost 800.00 and they want payment

this week. What I do not like is this whole salesman stroke… Sales people

are such scum and you can tell they hired professional sales people to call

clients after the introduction. I got this clown named Mark over there giving

me the whole shmooze and trying to work another client. You would have loved

to listen to this. He used all the tricks including saying there was a limited

time to take this great offer and not to mention all the pseudo approval process

for ‘my look’. (I am rolling my eyes big time)…

Yes, I would like to go for it. I called the Ford and Wilhelmina modeling agencies

today and they both heard of Options. Ford never uses their models and Wilhelmina

used one once. Well, these are the cream of modeling agencies and figure this

is still a good sign. Ford’s website is awesome and – for sure – they do not

need Options.

What else happened????

Well, if you have been reading these entries, then you know about Hector? If

not, read back. Well, there is the guy I ran into recently whom I used to date

about 8 years ago in Los Angeles. Actually, he lived in Whittier, California

when we dated and something happened where we drifted apart. I do not recall

what that was and I had to ask him.

This guy is named Adolfo and I was shopping at the Desert Passage with friend

Jeff who was visiting on a long weekend. I dated Adolfo in 1994 for a couple

months and it was going pretty well. Somehow we ended up not really breaking

up so much as drifting apart and just did not call each other at some point.

He is just the type I am attracted to. He is petite, mexi, uncut, a great kisser,

and more. He is very affectionate if not a little on the codependent side. BUT,

a very sweet guy.

He stayed over the last couple nights and hung out. How great was that? Anyway…

it’s all good. It makes me think the Hector thing was a lesson learned before

I could get it together with Adolfo. Way cool.

That was three big things. I am feeling very upset over Mikey right now and

am happy that I am doing other things, though. I tell you, I want to take a

chance at good opportunities here. I wish that have the money for the Options

website, but may need to wait or pass. I do not have the money right now. I

would love to get some liposuction to knock off that little weight I am holding

onto too! Well, I will hear about payment methods on Thursday night.

Oh, and next Tuesday my other job starts too. I got a call this morning confirming

it and I get to pop off to Boulder City for training. I am so totally excited.

This is also going to be cool as well.

Oh, my 16 year old stud puppy is now posting on UrielsLantern. So… click

the HOME button up top and see his postings! He’s a brilliant guy!

Well, I did it… I got some needed updates done on this site so it looks a

little better and a little more intuitive. I keep adding features to it and

these fancy-schmancy flash menus take a little time and patience to put together.

Mind you, there nothing like Mikey puts together for his sites. He uses the

real flash while I cheat with Swish. He reminded me periodically that – it’s

not real flash… If he reads this he will say … I never said anything.

But he always murmurs that Swish is just for text after he say something about

it. I do not think he realizes he does that! Ha ha ha – yes, I find it funny

and Mikey better not get pissy over it or I will kick his ASS! Oh, wait… he

does not have an ass.

Anyhoo…. I also added my own message board to this site. Fuck you GC (Chuck

Cavanaugh at gay cams)! Little toad took a personal attitude toward me and banned

me from his site because he could. The little weasel had a pennies worth of

power and used it… yawn! His attitude and recent bannings along with me are

making him look like a bigger fool every day. He sits alone in his tiny apartment

– key word ALONE – and hovers over his laptop all day long. At least the computer

won’t tell him what an idiot he is. Oh wait… it probably does.

Meow!

I got Tom a new dog collar yesterday and spent a day out with him, too. The

little puppy needed a day out of the apartment and we went to the dog park over

at Sunset Park where I met this cool group of Dykes I might hang with in the

future. Kathy kicks ass and Theresa was cool too. The third gal- Rhonda – she

seemed really nice as well. I hope I hook up with them!

Guess what!?!?! I actually had a good night’s sleep last night drug free! You

ask yourself … wh wh what???? Well, in order to sleep most nights I take anything

from NyQuil to Excedrine PM or melatonin or whatever to sleep. I was so tired

when I went to bed last night that I just snoozed. I was thrilled about it when

I got up this morning. Why? Why was last night different than any other night?

Well, I am not sure. I did pay a lot of bills yesterday that were starting to

go past due and maybe that relieved a lot of pressure.

I also wanted to open a new checking account because I am fed up with Wells

Fargo. Washington Mutual has the best commercials that really define a bank

like Wells Fargo that will fee the unholy hell out of you. It’s a nice commercial,

but Washington Mutual is such a fucked up bank! No deposits allowed in the ATM?

High high high fees for EVERYTHING ELSE except to put your checking account

there. Oh my GOD! The branch was so nice, but the policies of this bank were

outrageously bizarre! They implied that these policies were in Nevada because

of gambling addiction… well, I walked out. I though Chex Systems and Credit

bureaus were for financially troubled people… but hell! I will check out one

of the credit unions here today.

I guess that’s it for now. Check out all the new stuff on the site!

I have been thinking a lot about this whole Hector incident and why I didi

what I did. Why did I crunch over this other guy while I strongly suspected

Hector was right there??? What was it? All I can conceive is that my heart knew

it would never work out. He had just told me he had to move to Seattle next

month and here I am JUST settling into my life here. He told me he cared for

me a lot and I felt stronger for him. But, was it too much too soon?

Alas I have to agree that I was wrong and that the future would be different.

I will try and be a better man to the next person – if there is a next person

in my life.

It is so fucking hot here tonight. I have been feeling off-key all frieaking

day! I went out and bought some new Joe Boxer undewear at Marshall’s today because

I am constantly ruunning out of undies. Hey. it’s freaking Marshall’s so you

know they were cheap.

I miss my Mikey (I know Nolly – he’s really your Mikey). I bought him a little

gift today with the hope he will be coming back soon to his freinds. I am really

distressed right now over emotional stuff and came home physcially and emotionally

exhausted today from my Toastmasters meeting as the gym… oh, and shopping.

Hmmm… I had a Beverly Hills Teen Age day!?!?!?! A Teen Age girl! Ha ha ha

Well, I blew it totally! I feel like my chest has imploded and I really am

ready to jump off a cliff. I just screwed everything up with Hector… as if

it was not teetering already. Hector and I had a long discussion today and a

lot of exposed feelings including some admissions. I admitted to Hector the

level of feelings I was having and told him that the ‘labels’ we were putting

on this relationship were not working for me. He wanted terms like ‘Just Friends’

while I wanted to be able to tell people we were offically dating and going

somewhere with it all.

I know Hector is less than a year from his lover passing on… I suspect he

is not really ready for all that, but I think he was considering it. He asked

me for monogamy. I agreed to it… and I have not been dating anyone else. As

far as sex is concered, I have also pretty much saved all that for Hector. Afterall,

we were not committed really until Saturday when he asked for monogamy.

Furthermore, Hector also informed me he was moving to Seattle next month. He

wondered if I would go? I donot know where I stood on that… but I might have.

All of this is moot now. An Asian guy was flirting with me pretty hard at the

gym on my way out. He followed me to my truck and I admit I was titalated. I

almost went along… I even started to go with him but I diverted and went home.

But, then my cell phone rang and it was Hecotr telling me he saw the whole thing.

Boy, he was mad at me. In the end, I broke all trust with him.

My heart is absolutely broken right now. But, maybe it is for the better? I

do feel like I am missing out completely on something that could have been wonderful.

One of my freinds told me he would never accept me for me. I suppose he was

right.

Single again

I wanted to add this part yesterday morning when I wrote my last entry, but

I forgot it for various reasons. Mikey stayed here right before he left for

TO. He also left a notebook here with some of his things that he did not need

to drag north. I was cooking and I saw it there and I felt sad because I miss

my FunkyMunkey! We were seeing each other almost everyday before he flew away,

so you can imagine what it feels like to have someone vanish like that. I picked

up the notebook and looked at it realizing that the cover of it reminded me

of… Noah!?!?! The cover of this notebook reminds me of the cover of Noah’s

site. So, I held the book a little while re-establishing myself with the FunkyMunc.

I forced myself to the gym last night, too. After a day of errands and bill

paying I meandered off to the gym much later than usual. There are a couple

guys I have been flirting with there. What is the deal??? I usually go to the

gym at noon almost daily and I ended up wandering in at 6 pm last night only

to see A LOT OF PEOPLE who are there when I go at noon. Do these losers have

lives?

Anyway, Hector was there too. The poor baby was suffering from losing his voice

and I wanted him to come over for some chicken soup!

About Hector, I am not dating or fucking anyone else right now as this has

the potential of working out. Also, I want to share everything with him right

now but do not to tell him too much about myself as I fear I might put him off.

Anyway, before I sign off. I want to share an e-mail I recieved yesterday about

my previous diary entries:

—–Original Message—– From: Gary [mailto:edited out] Sent: Monday, April

01, 2002 12:53 PM To: actionhero@actionheronetwork.com Subject: RE: Moved Maybe

I’m wrong, but you seemed to get a little critical of yourself (at least that’s

the impression I got). Maybe it was because of this line: That is a valid concern.

I have dated way too many people in the past … well, dated, screwed, and other

things. I think that’s where it came from. Don’t mind me… I’m still adled

from moving furniture all weekend! 😉 You know I still love you! Gary

Another day gone by …. I woke up this morning looking at paying bills. Yes,

every two weeks I spend the morning going through my bills and paying what I

can. As some of you may recall, my unemployment ran out in the end of February

and since then I have been getting by onthe skin of my teeth. If it were not

for a guardian angel who visits my site I would be homeles and picking half

eaten big macs out of the dumpster somewhere. maybe it’s not all that bad, I

am rather stubborn about overcoming hardship. I can ask for help when needed.

And boy, my back was against the wall this morning.

I should be okay though… thanks to my angel. He is a nice man who has been

there for me and I completely appreciate it.

I am still working hard on developing myself. I am an entrprenuer. I am an

artist. I am an honest and gentle person. April is bringing a lot of great changes

inmy life all of which I am very grateful for. I met a guy I like a lot whom

I am starting to date. I am starting a new contract position on 4/16 that I

am looking forward to! I am also earning money on the side with some of my projects.

It’s not the lottery, but it is keeping me to a point. This is my turn around

month.

Hecotr is coming over this week and I am going to cook him dinner. He has been

very sweet and understanding to my financial situation, but I think he sees

this is a temporary situation for me and knows I am not using him. I wanted

to take Hecotr for dinner on Saturday, but he insisted on picking up the check.

He is as stubborn as I am! No, I could not really afford to spend much money

(money at all really), which is why we went to the Olive Garden.

I hope to hear from people reading my diary entries!

Yesterday I commented about a guy named Hector whom I recently met and started seeing. Well, we had a date last night and went out for the evening. I figured since I got a Saturday night things might be looking up. As you also know, I have a tendency to relate a lot of my anxieties here and predictions for my dating future.

Let’s admit one thing, dating sucks! There are good times and all but the bottom

line the ‘not-knowing’ if it will work out or …if you will have feelings develope

and he does not… or is this ‘just sex’ versus an emotional commitment. Blah

blah blah… We all go through this shit.

Well, back to Hector anyway. He and I had a very nice time last night and talked

about some important things as far as our dating future is concerend. Looks

like things are looking very positive.

Why is there a picture of Martin Valko here (sexiest adult star on the plant!)?

I think Hector looks a lot like him to be honest. And just as sexy! Last night

Hector and I went out for dinner to the prestigious Olive Garden and had a light

dinner that left us stuffed. We flowed over to IKON where we both ran into people

we knew. It was an awkward position to be in because neither of us have committed

to ‘dating’ each other. One of Hector’s friends asked me if Ihad a lover and

all I could say was no… I couldnot say "Well, we are dating". Hecotr

was appreciative how I answered the question and let me know, which I thought

was sweet. He did admit he had concerns about me being monogamous. He says it

is because of the many men I have dated in the past.

That is a valid concern. I have dated way too many people in the past … well,

dated, screwed, and other things. I want a monogamous relationship and I want

to share my life with someone. I am absolutely torchured with this idea right

now and wish in my heart that I had the ability to commit to one man. I know

I can. I have been looking for this since Brian and I broke up so long ago.

It’s been 2.5 years since he and I broke up and I miss that companionship.

I was concerend yesterday that Hector was on the edge of breaking up with me.

When I saw him last night it seemed at first that he had something on his mind

that further enforeced the idea that I was about to be dumped. "Break up

with me" implies we were together!?!? I told him last night to tell me

when we can tell people we are dating. To me, we are dating. We have had four

dates and he stayed with me last night.

Nothing is carved in stone as of yet, but I feel that this could be positive

whether this works out or not. There are some issues looming over us right now

for me and for him. For me, there are issues of monogamy and my own fulfillment.

For he, Hector’s self image seems to be bruised. I thik he is absolutely beautiful

looking but he hates when I tell him how handsome he is. Is this a good thing?

He told me he feels like he is not good looking and even ugly, and I think he

believes that on a cereberal level.

—————

Anyway, after IKON last night we went to Gypsy todance. I saw Kevin, Christian,

and Josh who were hanging out after an afternoon of drinking. They did not look

like they were having much fun, ya know. I saw the guy named Jason who I used

to date and Hecotor thought he was unattractive (even fat). [Jason can be seen

in the gallery from our date in Novemeber].

I guess a good thing is that Hecotr does not go on the web. I can write my

diary and vent and express and whine and he may well never see these entries.

What about someone else who wants to date me? When will Hector ask for a commitment?

Did he ask for one last night and I am too clueless to catch on? Do I not accept

dates from other guys until I know?

Oh crap…

Anyway… Mikey has been gone since yesterday and I already miss him. This

time away will make me appreciate him more. Boy, I need to go back to bed. Maybe

I’ll whine more later…?

Well, I got Mikey off to Toronto this morning and I actually got up at 5am

to drive him there. What is more amazing than anything is that I was able to

wake up at that ungodly hour and actually function enough to drive to the airport

without killing myself or anyone else.

I have received a lot of interesting feedback on my previous diary entry about

men. It was here I slapped a label on Latinos, Black Men, Asian Men, and White

Men. Mostly, there was positive feedback gleefully laughing at the accuracy

of my somewhat harsh words. This is not to say that all Latin Men are sluts

and Asian Men are so easy, or maybe it was? The entry was made in absolute frustration

for my whole dating experiences.

For example… I met a sweet Mexican guy recently named Alejandro and we seemed

to hit if off quite well. He showed a lot of interest and I felt rally good

about it, except for the fact that he and his boyfriend of 2 years had broken

up a few days before. What color is this warning flag, huh? RED! He really seemed

like he was okay with it so I decided to see him and after the second date we

got neked and I discovered he wanted to fuck me bareback and I told him that

I would not be comfortable with that, ya know. Not the typical PC reasons mind

you, but because I know latin guys and if I did that I would never see him again

afterward. Then I would feel like shit.

Well… Aleljandro and I did screw around (no fucking) and as soon as sex was

over the first words out of his mouth were "Oh, it’s late". Yes..

he was making an excuse to leave almost immediately after he got off. Would

you be surprised to know that I called him a couple times and never got a call

back? Would you be surprised to know I ran into him at Backstreet and he acted

like we were best buddies while we were face to face and intimated we would

see each other again soon, then he writes me via e-mail how he met someone that

night? I am thinking of a word… dirt bag.

As mentioned, I have had this bizarre interest in mexi boys lately. I like

exotic types to my own dismay. I look for a special spark of life in a guy I

meet and want to date. I always look for something interesting in the person

and a passion for life. It’s hard to find, especially here in Las Vegas because

some many people seem to be content with menial jobs with very dry aspirations

for their future. I do not understand that mentality.

Recently I met a guy named Hector who is half Mexi and half Italian. Now, that

is a spicy sexy mix, huh? The red flag with this guy is that his lover of 15

years died only last year from a heart attack that came suddenly. At the same

time, this fact makes him attractive because he was monogamous (so he claims)

and I have this idea to believe him (I am so gullible, but I trust this guys

so far). Anyway, he and I have been on 3 dates and he has said to me very forwardly

that he wants to be friends first before delving into anything else. Yes, we

have had sex. Some of the best sex and love making I have ever had!

The reality is I think this guy is going to vanish on me. He read the diary

entry I posted about Latin Men and thought I was being very mean in it. He thought

I should take it down, but that won’t happen. These diary entries are my therapy

and really are not for anyone to make any kind of demand on.

On our third date I surprised Hector with flowers and I think it really touched

him. He took me for dinner that evening and we had a nice time. We always have

a nice time together! When we came back to my place we got neked and make such

love that I tell you… I was overwhelmed! I did not cum. I did not want to.

I held back my orgasm and it left me in such a heightened state or arousal that

I worked on him all evening. I kissed him all over, along his thigh and balls,

down to his ass and up to his nipples. I suckled this delicious and beautiful

man as long as I could. My GOD I was feeling melded to this man to my soul.

I felt such love in these moments that I wonder if he could even fathom. I felt

intertwined with him.

Sex is spiritual for me. I connect at such a deep level. My fear, again, is

that he does not appreciate that gift I am offering.

I am single and I am not settling down right now. I do not feel that Hector

will commit or has the ability to do that right now. So, I am meeting other

guys and am opening to dating.

Dating is such a hard road to be on. Especially in a region where it seems

there are so many flaky and uninteresting men. There are so many sluts in Las

Vegas who cannot think beyond the tips of their dicks and have the sensitivity

of a wet sponge. I remain hopeful though and wait to see where things with Hector

will go or not go. If I meet someone else, then so be it. Another problem is

that I simply will not settle. The guy I meet has to have the right qualities.

If you’re wondering what that means then see the Dating section in the menu

of my site.

This morning I had a dream that lived out on of my greatest fears. And this

is a God’s honest truth I write here. I fear that I will grow to be an old,

angry, jaded man like so many queers seem to be. I see so many wrecked, spiritually

crushed, hopelessly bitter men skulking around. I hope someone shoots me in

the head if I ever get that way. My mom is an angry woman and I see some of

those traits in me. God bless!