I am writing after having gone to bed. I got back up because I am too wound up to sleep. So, I have some tea on the stove waiting to brew and a nibble of cranberry -orange bread waiting to go with it. This has been a tough week and it is only Tuesday. The biggest thing is that this week is Midterms in school already. Monday I have a class called Sanitation, which is all about being clean nad keep ing your kitchen clean. The test was relatively simple. Today Chef tested us on Chapter 7 of our books, but reviewed the chapters for the Midterm on Thursday. I am still clueless about what will happen tomorrow, but we will probably be tested on cutting techniques.

I also started a new part time job at a local Culinary Store. Turns out I am really working part time… really really part time. My next night on duty is a week from Thursday. Jinkies! The job is realatively simple and I thnk it will be cool. I can get some neat stuff at a bigger discount for working there.

Adolfo and I started a distressed dialog when I rrturned from Bangkok. He said he was feeling very jelous and dustressed about his own feelings about our relationship. When I asked him if he loved me he did not answer me, but he said it later on when we were talking. I think he is trying to swollow the lives we have and attempting to make sense of it. My taking off to Bangkok suddenly was no thrill for him. He babysat for me the whole week. When I came home a freind of mine named Ritcci picked me up and came inside… well, Adolfo really really does not like Ritcci for no reason I can decern. Adolfo freaked out and went home abruptly and we argued that night until somethhng like 3 am in the morning. That and these suden trips have sorta sent him into a frenzy and Adolfo asked me today to let him have some time to himself. That is, Adolfo is asking for a pause in the relationship while he works out his feelings. I support him on this decision 100% and hope we will be fine. He said he might need a week or so?

I asked Adolfo to get a mentor or someone who has their head on their shoulders. He needs someone who is good with relationships and he said he found a phychologist friend he will see… so I hope all is well. One thing I value about him is that I have been able to be 100% honest with him since we started dating again.

I started to fall asleep tonight. I started dreaming about some of the people in my Culinary class who asked me where my new cell phone was at and I panicked. I startled me so much I sprang up out of bed. You know the phone I am taolking about???? The new $500 cell phone I got. I am so paranoid about it now! I fear I will drop it out the window when I am driving somewhere! I fear that someone will run up to the car and steal it while I am talking! What the hell is wrong with me????

Yes… I am mental

Now that all that is clear. I am off to SFO this weekend. I got an e-mail from an old buddy in Boston today asking me HOW I went from begging for money on my wb site to International Man of Travel/Mystery. I did not really answer him, but then again it’s really my business. I’ve been very lucky in my life and I will simply say I got lucky once more. I met a friend who likes to travel and values some advice I gave him and he finds my company to be an asset and has taken care of me in that area. That’s all I can say about it.

Financially I am barley swinging vine to vine to keep ahead. I got the cool cell phone, but that was a gift so piss off snooty bitch. Ha ha ha… I could just hear a couple people I know folding their arms in judgement. Get over it.

Want to see my cell phone???? The link is in the previous mail entry. Go look yourself.

Ugh, I need to go to bed and sleep because I have to get up at 5:30 to get ready for school. I wear my uniform almost every day and if you want to see me in it check out the Recipes link to the left there. Gradually I will add things to it. I decided to write this tonight hoping to hopefully expell all thee things inside that are making me really anxious tonight. I am so frustrated with things in general and have been working very hard on keeping my head above water.

I was thinking about Brian today too. When I got Rick’s e-mail I realized I have not heard from Brian in a long while. I hope he is well. (Heavy Sigh) Maybe you know how long I carried the torch for him? Those are in the old old old diaries.

Goodnight peeps!

What a day? I feel that I should have endless money available for myself and that if anyone looks at me cross eyed I get to kick their ass. Wouldn’t that be the best!?!?!?!

Today was a mixture of surprises and defeats. Yet I am here while Adolfo is sleeping pleasantly sleeping in the very next room. I think I have a cold. And it did not seem to come to fruition until some time this afternoon. So, I just bought some Tylenol Cold from WALMart and popped a couple pills and am waiting for it to kick in. Meanwhile, I am continuing to sip tea and honey.

Today started off quite well! A guardian angel got me a new cell phone as a gift. I cannot say much about this, but only that it is from a very nice person whom I like and he appreciates me, blah blah blah. http://www.samsungelectronics.com/mobile_phone/ads_awards/trade_shows/images/I300_with_menu.jpg …This is the Samsung SPH-I300 of which I have carried a picture of since almost a year ago at COMDEX in 2001. Now I ahve one and love it to pieces!!!! It’s pretty!!!

So, I got the new phone all configured and connected to my laptop Outlook and now I am a mobile master! I am m-Life, or whatever you want to call it. I did have to call SprintPCS 4 times to get one of those fucking idiots to complete the job of getting the durn thing running. Damn, phone reps are morons! Grrr…

I had an interview for a job today, too. A retail store in the Aladdin’s desert passage for a part time job. They called me almost right away to tell me that I was being offered the job. So, I decided to take it while I continue with school and looking for some additional job stuff.

Anyway, when I was going to Sprint Store to get the phone activated (it was closed) I went to the gym after and realized Ileft all my gym crap in the apartment. Irritated and throwing a hissy fit, I decided to pop over to the mechanic to get the brakes looked at. $250 later I was limping out. But, my phone was working by the time I left.

I am all over the board here tonight, maybe the drugs are starting to finally take effect! So, we went to see a show at the Venetian tonight, called Feel the Passion. It should have been named something else, but I cannot go there right now. They were all over the board for sure!!!!! It was a collection of different performers and all of them were talented to a degree, but it was hardly better than anything a high school cast could have thrown together. But some cuter performers, for sure!

Talk soon..

It’s later… 11pm… and I just finished loading files on the server for my new site design. I made a lot of changes and deleted a lot of crap at the same time. Boy, this server gave me a hard time!

Anyway, there has been a lot happening and I have been neglecting this diary as usual so I will try and get back to it. I think it might make me feel better. I find this diary theraputic some times. Like, school is getting me edgy and not working out as often. The traveling I did threw me off a bit… but in the end it might be good.

Anyway again… I will talk more soon!

Test #2

I am realizing that I feel and think about some things different lately. I am constantly under pressure to make ends meet and find myself coming up short a lot. I hope life does not continue this way until the day I drop dead???? I’m at heart attack age and damn I should have had one already. As you may or may not have read, I am under the gun to make a big debt right now. It’s not huge, but $6000.00 is a lot to someone like me. On the other hand, as fast as money comes in (no matter what amount) there always seems to be someone (some company) with their hand out.

I am no different than anyone out there. I see people around me in all directions who seem to have a better grip than I do. Truth is I can take care of these debts, but my strategy is falling on deaf ears. I caulculated a loan for the whole project I want to pay off as $12,000.00 to pay off my “big debt” with 2 smaller debts and I can pay it back. My smaller debts include paying off my pick-up truck as well therefore my debt will be on big one. Consequently this will clear up 2 big items on my credit bureau.

I have been doing some relfection as well. I am always doing that, ya know. My head has always been in the future. My head is always at what is coming. I alm always anticipating the future where my life will be better. You must understand what that means. It is the distince opposite of what a person “stuck in the past” is. You know what I mean, that person who still listens to music from the 60’s and is still wearing the tye die shirts and love beads with Birkenstocks. No, I am not wearing a silver suit or anything like that!

You see… I have heard from horoscopes to psychics to visions that I was going to be wealthy in my later years. YEAH YEAH YEAH I am not the might Kreskin (however you spell it). It just seemed so logical that I am spending the first half of my life in financial chaos, but I am learning from my mistakes. I am also learning about what not to repeat. the truth is I learned a lot of my finances from my mom who never learned how to manage her money at all. I worry for her as she nears retirement. At this pace I will never have a secure future for myself or the person I love.

I have some issues about my parents too, that I think I will discuss tomorrow. But the point of this entry is that I am losing the battle and just a week ago I was so upset I thought I would be completely ruined over it. I need to do something more solid in my life and here I am at 37 ywears old and I still do not have my shit together. I told Adolfo last week that there is the possibil;ity I may never be able t provide the way I want to and that I may never be a good, secure boyfriend and he did not seem fased. Love is blind, isn’t it?

My only hope to get this done is to find an Angel and mentor. My parents can’t be bothered. Allan, my rose colored glass wearing biz partner, is constantly supporting my delusions. He can’t help either. I am still trying.

So, finances are what has been bothering me for a while. Sorry to sound so fucking boring.

So…. well, it has been a while since i wrote in my diary. I have barely paid

any attention to anybody as well. What a selfish, no good bastard I am! I have

been keeping very busy with the new job, dating Adolfo, and trying to keep life

somewhat normal here. In my work I am amazed I am managing to meet my bills

as they are and I still have one nasty debt hanging over my herad with no solution

what-so-ever. That mess is detailed in the financial section.

Oh yeah, I am working on getting into school! I am registered for school at

the Las Vegas Institute of Art for their Culinary Program. It starts in July

and I am so stoked! I was there last night to take care of paperwork and I heard

how the new head-chef is a freind to Emeril. That makes me hopeful that Emeril

will come to the school one day while I am there.

And, I am also looking for a second job. I found something that I really want,

too. This MASH Village gig may be ending by September because of a variety of

reasons. Less obvious and most effecting the problems are the fact that the

city of Las Vegas has been very hostile toward the homeless population. Father

Joe is based out of San Diego and is pulling his funding on these projects.

That means the pieces of this show are going to close down. Starting this month

the Medical Clinic closes and I might have to say goodbye to a cutie that works

there named Rich.

There are 3 cute guys that work there. I came out to the cutest one today because

we were chatting and he kept asking about my "girlfreind". I said…

you assume too much. We laughed. He seemed cool. He is leaving on Friday as

his last day and moving on to new roads. ho-humm! I mentioned Rich already.

He is this Goth looking boy who is skinny and tall, black hair, pale lean features,

and big feet (you know what that means). Finally, there is a cute latino boy

but he and I do not interact much. Rich is the most interesting of them, anyway,

but I am having fun.

About Adolfo… he is great. He accepts me for all my faults which includes

this obnoxious way of looking at other men. I hate doing it, but damn when cute

boys are around I act like a moron distracted by shiney objects. He has been

very tolerant and sweet. He even pokes fun at me. We have been dating just over

2 months and this last weekend he and I went to visit parents. We spent Friday

at my mom’s and then Saturday and Sunday at his family. I will try and write

more about it later on.

Thanks for checking things out.

I have not made very many serious diary entries in a while. Probably because

I have been so wound up in life here in Las Vegas. I keep trying to do ALL the

things I think I should SHOULD be doing and in the end end up doing only a small

amount of what actually needed to be done. See, last weekend I divorced myself

from a lot of people and things in order to finish a few things. Write the personal

plan found on this site for myself. It was also intended to go to the bank

as I try applying for a loan.

Well, that weekend I had some other things that needed to be done as well,

so you can imagine I was very busy. I even had to Adolfo I needed to work and

could not hang out with him. This included friends in the world I would talk

to.

Well, Monday I found out that my hopes of getting a loan for the project were

slim to none because of the nature of the debts I wanted to pay. I am staring

at the end of the month with this IRS debt and all the other normal bills baring

down on me. Geez, an unexpected bill will kill me. So far things look good for

rent and the usual things. I still need to take care of this IRS as the top

priority.

Enough of the depressing shit. I sit around and whine about so much bullshit

and am generally an unhappy person. Not that I do not want to be, I really want

to be happy, but I have doing this depressing mopey shit for so long I do not

know how to be any different now. For me it’s all money related. Who gives a

damn anymore about have ing a befriend, lover, whatever anymore. I really want

to settle my financial situation. I want some financial security instead of

this near-financial-death experience.

Yes, Adolfo and I are still together and dating. He routinely gets up my nose

lately over his issues of insecurity and his communication problems. I am perfect,

huh? Well, I do love him very much. I really do. The thing is every time I have

to deal with some melodrama I feel a little less love. I feel like I am being

pushed away from him at times. It makes me feel upset inside because I am investing

into this person. It’s been a while (not since Brian) that I felt these things

inside.

A couple weeks ago I went to se Spiderman with Mikey (the day it came out)

and I knew Adolfo wanted to see it too. So, I went with Mikey and did nt tell

Adolfo. Adolfo and I had a special evening on the following Sunday which included

seeing Spiderman. I admitted afterward that I went to see it with Mikey afterward

and that caused drama for 2 plus days! The latest issue is similar as I went

to see Star Wars with Mikey and now Adolfo is mad because I went without him.

He tells me "I do not want to see it". Oi vay!

For the last month plus I have been seeing pictures of Natalie Portman and

the entire cast of the movie in his apartment from any magazine that published

Star Wars news. I thought it was okay to see SW with mikey, but apparently not.

I guess I learned my lesson now!

Well, I have to bare down and refocus. I hope I am doing everything right,

because I feel like and am blindfolded and running through a forest. I am coming

away with a lot of bruises!

This diary entry seemed to ramble a bit. I was a little bit all over the place,

huh? Well, I am just trying to be successful. Am I right or wrong?

     Dear lord I have been busy. Today I had a couple meetings.

The first one I ended up blowing off with COX Cable about buying advirtising

space. Like I need that right now. Then I had to be at MASH Village in oder

to hear about a new peoject I am taking on where I will be conducting training

and follow up with people who are homeless and such. I am very excited this

finally came up. Tomorrow, I have another meeting over there and a Toastmasters

meeting, both of which I needed written material prepared for it. So I spent

my evening working on those things.

    If you made it here through UrielsLantern.Com, then you

see some of the cosmetic changes and some new additions. Wonder why I am stressed?

I too this deal on as well.

    Anyway, I am making a quick entry as I feel myyself sloly

submerging into unconsciousness and a need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to

be a busy day, too!

Love Ya!

I am remiss for not making an entry for so long. I feel like I am moving in

too many directions at one time and can hardly keep up. It’s setting me into

such a quadary as I seek to achieve the things I think I want and need while

I feel allof my security slipping away. With bills looming over my head, I feel

like an impotent child jumping and reaching futily for the box of cookies on

the top shelf that is impossible to get to.

Anyway, I have been working on several projects of little consequence with

the looming monster of the company over me and glaring at me. It has been ignored

and un fed, but finally Jeff seems to be finishing the financials and I might

be able to launch forward with the actual business plan. I have been so focused

on making money happen that I have been worrying about it not being there. Thank

goodness the spirits have been bringing money into my life that has just been

covering expenses. Just.

I also checked out a school I really want to go to that will enhance my business

as well as meet some personal fulfillment. It is the Art Institute of Las Vegas

under the Culinary Program there! It’s a new campus here and it is absolutely

lovely. As usual, money is another issue. I need a 150.00 app fee and then I

need to consider the money needed to catch up my student loan as well.

Yet, I am determined. I need to bring my life back around to something healthier.

Calgone… Calgone??? Oh crap… Someone take me away!

So, what is going on? As usual I am working til late in the evening on the

variety of projects I have taken on in my life. I simply wish they were providing

more money. At least I have been able to be a little more social lately as well.

I have left AIM open for chat more often and my regular peeps include Chippy

(aka R@!) and Nolly (aka Noah).

Anyone knowing this dark circle knows all about Mikey, about Noah, and Chippy.

Recently Noah was involved in a traffic accident involving 6 cars. He said he

was trapped in his car for 6 hours as it lye on its side. He broke his arm and

some ribs. This poor baby, I wanted to cradle him. Noah is a paradox and an

interesting figure that has wandered into my life. When I first met him (on-line

through AIM) I thought he was a spoiled, unenlightened, out-of-touch boy. There

were reasons for this, but I figured out it was built on my own prejudice. Noah

has been through a lot!

He has survived cancer, numerous physical injuries, recent major medical issues

that caused him blackouts and other trauma, and on and on. It’s like there is

a bizarre band of energy around him. He cherishes life so much. He is one of

the most passionate guys I can say I have met because he faces life head on

and embraces every moment of it. If he is afraid of death I would be surprised,

but he does not welcome it for sure.

This has become an entry about Noah so far. I think about him a lot. I think

about my own misconceptions of him. I still do not think I really know him.

Noah is my little prince. He loves and can receive love. He is in love with

his boyfriend Brian who seems like a great guy. He loves Mikey very much and

misses him intensely when he is away. When we talk I feel the love of a potential

friendship and admire his warmth.

In my life, things are still going well with Adolfo. He and I spent a nice

romantic day together yesterday. He works 7 days a week between the Venetian

Canal and Desert Passage in retail. I talked to him for a while yesterday about

his career, but I think he has a good future in retail if he wants it, but he

seems to desire other things? I know a lot of people look down their nose at

retail, but for some people there is a viable career in it. He has been doing

it so long he might as well make it a career. He said something about wanting

to teach, which he has the temperament for, but he is doing nothing to achieve

that?

I did mention Mikey before. Home-boy and I have barely connected since he has

been back from Toronto. He seems to be making another life for him here and

when he moves in with Kevin, Josh, and Christian he may drift further away.

With the rift between GC and I, seems they have chosen to hang with him. Maybe

ol’ dysfunctional GC is on medication and is becoming bearable????? Well, not

enough for me.

I miss Mikey and the boys. I know I have Adolfo, but having a boyfriend does

not replace the company of friends. Maybe Josh, Kev, and Christian never cared

for me that much to begin with? Maybe they were just friends with me because

of the Mikey link? So, who knows. As Mikey drifts away from me who knows who

and what I will be left with in the coming weeks and months.

Oh well, I am not wallowing. Just taking the time to spill out the things in

my brain right now. Cheers!

I’ve been working very hard on a new website the last couple days. It’s a web

site that is for adults only, so forgive me for not sharing. ANyway, it is another

one of my adventures of business that could turn out well or be another never

ending waste of time that sucks the life from my bones and leaves me spent…

sounds nice and dramatic, huh?

So, are you reading my other bloggers here? Click the Listing button up top

there to see blogger postings from some of my homies. If I could ever get Allan

to get his posted, he could join 16 year old Jared, FunkCamLive’s Mikey, and

the mighty Nolly on their postings that I have linked here.

(2 Hours Later)

I started off in a couple directions since I started this entry earlier. I

really do not have any anieties to struggle with at the moment except al the

work I need to get done. I plan on working on the site mentioned above (Action

Hero Network.Com aka anh2x.net) as well as the other new site also mentioned.

I am working very hard and spend so much time daily yest never earning a penny.

I am desperately broke and penniless right at the moment. My car has less than

1/4 tank of gas and I do not have cash to buy groceries at the moment either.

It’s rathger pittiful and I am busily using my entrprenuerial talents to search

for work, but I may even have to sink as low as getting a JOB. Ewww….

Now if you know me I have given up entirely on the world of being a slave for

someone else. I work my ass off for companies and then they kick me to the curb

like yesterday’s garbadge when they are done using me. I guess my point is the

work of the worker is not a truly appreciated one and I hope to have employees

of my own one day. Problem with that idea is that I become the enemy.

Anyway, Mikey and I have not heard from our Angel. This mysterious person has

been an angel to others beside myself. He helped out a few people I know of

and I have no idea if he was really thinking ahead when he did all that. Did

he know he would be out of work? Did he hanve any idea? Did this generousity

bankrupt him and now he is in the very same spot?

There are very few people with the heart and the soul to give to someone else.

Though I would certainly have lost a lot of things I have earned in life if

not for the generous investment of some people. I figured the best way

for me to repay these people was to pass it on to someone else some day. "Pay

it forward" turns into somethng real then, huh?

Now, I do not have a benefactor. Now, all that I have been striving for is

in danger once again. In the last few years I have cleaned up my credit, gained

control over some past taxes I owed, began establishing myself in business,

and now it could all be gone in two weeks time. If I do not make my rent or

my car payment then I will certainly lose all that I have worked for. What about

my business?

Some people have asked me… why not get a job flipping burgers or doing this-or-that.

In effect, they keep bringing up jobs that require a lot of time and little

money. I am a highly skilled person with a great degree of intelligence. Imagine

me standing in some idle job where I am not allowed to use my brain I would

go friggin nuts. On top of that, it is very difficult for me to stand for long

hours on my feet without some nasty back pain. Weel, See my Resume

for yourself.

Anyway, I am hopeful things will turn around. They have in the past.