Since my last entry I found out that I was a day off on my whole trip. As I write this I am sitting in a Taiwan airport waiting for my next flight on to Bali. The trip on China Airlines was fantastic and we keep talking about what we are going to do! Who knows what pictures I will come back with???? I am totally looking forward to having some fun. I am told there is a place to see a monkey forest and another place where we can ride elephants! Imagine????

The airport here sucks but the Dynbaty Lounge for VIP flyers is really nice. Last time I was here they had some delicious food. The Dynasty VIP lounge in SFO kinda sucked, though. They had a lot of junk food…. blech!

The flight was great and there was a stewartress that reminded me of yjr girl who played Batgiel in the old Adma West version of Batman frm the 1960’s. She was cute and perky! Anyway… all is good. I shold be fine. I am glad I can update the diary from afar.

I will be staying at The Bali hotel (www.thebale.com) where I am amazed at the rooms. The place looks over the Indian Ocean and we will have a private servant in the room at all times! What a trip huh!?!?!?! Check it out and take care!

Finals were over on the 19th and I am only just writing out here in the mighty journal. Since then, I have been doing a lot while enjoying my time out of school. Adolfo and I went to visit family on the weekend having left the 20th and went to my mom’s and then off his his parents on the 21st. It was another great trip. Things seem to be really good between us.

I have been stressed beyond belief. Barely a night has gone by without a bad night of trying to sleep. In other words, I have not been sleeping very well at all. I just discovered that I may have made a huge error in planning. The buddy I went to Thailand with wanted me to go to Bali with him this week. I thought I was leaving 10/1 at night and as I look at the intinerary I just got a ferw hours ago it seems I was supposed to be on a plane 3 hours ago. I tried calling him and his phone is not answering.

I already gave away all my work hours for my part time job. I am also committed to working tomorrow morning at Sur La Table. I can’t get out of that.

I feel like hell right now… my stomach is an acid bath. Damn, this has been a stressful week. Argh, now I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I will update this again tomorrow if I am still here. This would have been a really cool trip had I not fucked this up. He is going to be pissed at me. I was already half packed to leave tomorrow!

good night…

I am still studying. I did really shitty on a quiz last week and the Chef gave me a chance to make it up and bring my grade up to a passing. I almost f’d that up for sure. It was a quiz on potatoes and rice and stuff… ie starchy foods. Ugh! I can cook any of them any time, but when asked “What is the ratio of water to rice if you are cooking wild rice?” or “What is the ratio of water to rice if you are cooking standard long grain white rice?” or “If you are making duchese potatoes, mashed potatoes, and (one other forgot name right now) how do the potatoes start out?” …. well?

Monday I had a quiz on eggs, cheeses, and some other less important stuff…. I think I failed it. Why, becasue I focused on the Eggs part and not the cheese part and now I have egg on my face. I guessed my way through it! ARGH!

Today we had a major project due where we delivered a restaurant we designed and we had to create the following: a floor plan, kitchen design, dining room, and a complete menu. Then, we had to cook a dish from each course in the menu appitizer, salad, entree’, and desert. Nothing came out the way it was exactly supposed to and I had to spend money I was not prepapred to spend. THAT SUCKED!

Oh, the answers were 2 (I thought it was 3), 2, and puree’….

ughhhhhhhhhh… Well, the weekend is almost over. School is almost finished for the quarter. 2 more finals tomorrow in Culinary and Friday is Speeh/Communication. Friday should be skate, though. After tomorrow it is going to be ooooooooover. Well, for a couple weeks anyway. What is next quarter going to bring, huh? I have American Regional Cuisine as the main courses of study. I still do not know what my GenED classes are going to be…

Well, now if can mellow out enough to relax and go to sleep tonight. My test tomorrow is on meat. I have looked at so much dead flesh that I woud seriously consider a vegetarian life right now… blah! But, I’ll have tofinish this veal cutlet first. Ha ha ha… Mooooooooo!

This week has sucked so bad. I worked an event last night which kept me at school 12 hours yesterday and on my feet almost the whole time. Damn, I was tired when I got home. Funny thing is that I barely noticed the time going by. I was so busy and so engrossed in things that I was good with all of it. I cannot imagine how some of my classmates dealt with 2 hours of dishes that needed to be done when we were finished. We made use of so many pans and crap last night.

Which reminds me. I plan on looking for a j.o.b. on my break and getting my business plan out. I am dividing myself again. I have some certifications to get taken care of like my health card and stuff before I can work here. I took my Safe Serve Test last week and will have that certification if I passed it. Argh… this is a long evening. I need to get off to bed. I am going to busy through Friday when I will be away for 3 days! Yippee!

Adolfo and I are going to visit family… he is thrilled. Well, not really. Ha ha ha… later ya’ll

Studying and other things! Between working at Sur La Table, school, and other things I have very little time. Oh, I have such a list of priorities, but you know what I miss a lot??? I miss freinds. I miss hanging out with old buddy Ed in Long beach and I miss Maureen n Boston. I miss the gang at Baja Cantinia off Copley Square. This is no reflection of Adolfo, do not get me wrong. I miss hanging out. I miss going off… I may have to miss this a lot over the next couple years, huh? I swear to God I am going to move out of this fucking town when I graduate.

I’m watching Anna Nicole when I should be reading my text book. I put some finishing touches on my final’s project for school tonight. I even went out and bought supplies I was hoping I would not have to buy. I spent 90$ on stuff tonight, most of which is for the project. I have a team of 4 at school and our project was to design a restaurant and come up witha business plan, design, statement for what it was about, and all that. About the only thing I got the group to decide on was that we would have a red table cloth. uhm… right.

Tonight I called the woman who was supposed to have bought the table cloth and she still did nothave it. So, I dragged Adolfo over to Cost Plus and went shopping. I got glassware I needed, red napkins, and a “natural” table cloth. The glasses I got were beautiful and perfect. They are red glass. Oh my God they were fun! Adolfo picked them out!

Ya know… starting Friday I had this feeling that Adolfo and I were going to have a fight this weekend. I just KNEW it was coming and we seemed to get close once in a while. Well, I felt the animosity in myself! I felt that it was coming and I reasoned that it was all inside my own head. On Saturday evening I went to the gym after work (6:30 pm) and there was barely anyone there. When I showered at 8:30 there were a lot a guys working the shower and some were fucking hot. I got a total woodie and got an eyefull (not lilterally) so I was supposed to meet Adolfo for dinner and I felt really guilty. I think I transmit that guilt way too loudly. I catch myself looking at a cute guy and then hoping Adolfo did not see I reach over to him (Adolfo) and touch him as if connecting back to him and absolving my own guilt.

Should I feel guilty for looking at pretty boys? There were two foriegn boys at Sur La Table on Saturday that were absolutely beautiful and I would totally pay tosee them naked or even clothed. Damn they were cute and I tried to be cool about it and all. Too many cute boys come into my store where I work part time. Oh, poor me… ha ha ha.

Anyway, I need to toddle off to bed. Did you get my new e-mail addy? scott@ahn2x.net

More homework tonight for a big school project. Finals coming up soon. I had an important test today that was only 90 questions and have to pass for my Serve Safe certification. Eeeks! I am off to bed soon. And look, Tom got his ball stuck under the couch again and he is going nuts. I better help him. Nighty

Oi Vay… this was a weekend. I went to go get Adolfo on Friday after work and found him sick. He was burning up and stumbling around the retail store he works at. I swear he could have passed out. I took him to Denny’s on the way to my house to get him some soup and when I got home it was 1 am. He was on-fire! I called my mom in a panic and she told me to put him in the shower and give him a cool to tepid rub down… then I got him 400mg of aspirin and shoved him off to bed. I never felt such heat coming off another person!

In the morning (Saturday), I went to Vons and bought a thermometer and took his temprature. He 102 in the morning and he was much cooler than he was the night before, too! I made him a bagel and we had orange juice and I sent him to bed for the day. He was hovering around 102 until this morning. High temp and achyness… those were the only symptoms. What the hell???? If he was sick-sick I am puzzled, because his body was fighting something. He thought it was some shrimp he had at Bellagio, but maybe it was a virus? Anyone know?

Anyway, last night I decided to cook something nice and made an attmept at making chicken marsalla from scrpatch. I did not have everything right, but it came off okay. I made a bachamel and mixed it with some portini mushrooms in white wine. I had cooked two chicken breasts earlier and then added them to the sauce… blah blah blah put it over some saphron noodles and wahlah!

That morning I also made a soup in advance. I picked up some yellow squash and cooked that up, then made a cream soup out of it and it was yummy! I served it with the chicken dish and yum yum yum.

This morning I made a breakfast bread with a bruscuiotto, egg, and cheese center and it was delicious. I followed a salty recipe, but I will change it next time I make it.

God, school is going to end for the quarter. I have a final test tomorrow which is a certification test for my food safe card. I have to know a lot of numbers and tempratures for food safety. We took a practice test last week and man… did I do bad. I have to be better prepared for some of these tests. I was not ready for a test 2 weeks ago and I got an F. I got my first and only F this quarter…. ARGH!

Anyway, I think I will do okay please please please God. I must get 60 out of 80 queations to pass. Does not sound too hard, huh?

plans coming up? I hope to be going to go traveling with a buddy in a couple weeks! On 9/20 Adolfo and I are heading out of town for the weekend with each other. We are going to visit my mom and then my ex GF, then his mom before coming back to LV. Yeah…. oi vay.

Someone pray for me and cast some good magic my way please? Gary??? Anyone else?

I tend to neglect this diary more than I should. Sorry about that. Sorry goes to me more than anything because when I write things here it makes me feel better and I get to vent.

Adolfo and I are doing okay still. I am happy to report… but he tends to get depressed gets lost in his own head periodically. last night he had a bot of a meltdown which lasted less than an hour and he cried. Today, he got really quiet and moody and then it was finally over when I got him to explain. Oi Vay!

I am worried about school and money as usual. I cannot afford my monthly school payment for August and have to go to them tomorrow and explain that. I wonder what that will mean for me??? I dunno. It is 535./month I have to pay the Art Insitute for Culinary classes … I was deluded for thinking I could afford that. Just because I had a couple lucrative months I somehow held on to the hope I would continue to rake in cash.

Do not get me wrong. I am current with most stuff right now. I pay all my bills at the beginning of the month all the time anyway and can meet all ther others. I can even buy groceries this month. Well, for the most part. I did buy some AND I made some interesting dishes for Adolfo every night this weekend. Friday night I made a chicken breast with polenta and french green beans. Saturday I made chicken, rosoto, and braised boc choy. Tonight I made a pork roast, blue cheese polenta, and frnch green beans. FABULOUS, huh? What man dating me could ever complain when being fed like that?

Working at Sur La Table at Desert Passage has been nice, but it is a little on the dull side. I met the owner/chef of the Tillerman Restaurant this week and his name was Mark Dimarco… I was excited. I get excited meeting Chefs of distinction let alone the ones no one knows. I plan on working in a kitchen by October. I still think I did the right thing by going to Culinary school. I bring home kitchen assignements and make them here for my little guinea piggie…. ha hah a

Finals are in three weeks. School will be out from 9/20 through 10/14 and I am hoping that a buddy of mine will take me on another adventure. He is the guy who took me to Bangkok and San Francisco. No, just freinds… get your brains out of the gutter. I am a good travel companion!

What else??? Oh, I forgot to mention my creams lately. I have been having very vivid dreams. Two nights ago I was in a Russian store buying these spoons. They had a silver scoop part and a silver knodule at the top, but the handle was intriguing. It was porcelyn and blue with a white flower painted on it. This spoon was very important for somereason???? Last night I saw a baby with hypothermia at a football game in the arms of a foot ball player. He tossed it away underarm behind him and I caught it while backed up with a wall of football players. The baby was warming up and coming to life in my arms… I was the only part in color.

Am I messed up or what? Is insanity attractive to anyone except Anna Nicole? And what about her??? I saw her son Daniel… sweet little pumpkin! But what a god damn dumb show! We watched it lastnight… ha ha ha

Goodnight…

Before my sleeping pill starts kicking in, I better get this written. About last night’s entry about Adolfo. I got a couple comments in e-mail about it already and I want to continue. You see, this year I did some inner relfection and realized that I spent a lot of time focused on the future I thought I was headed for or for the future I expect to see in my life. In other words, I have spent most of the last year focused on my business plan and building a life for myself independant of corporate slavery that I was ignoring other commitments and realities such as the fact that I may need a job.

As a foot note: I have managed to survive well enough that my bills (for the most part) are paid and current. Month to month I seem to survive as I keep my head securely in the clouds.

Anyway, in my inner relection I was holding off finding a j.o.b. while I pursuited various contract jobs and some of them were painfully aweful! Imagine I started doing work that was torchurous and lasted a short time than a long and drug out inner death. These short jobs (with the exception of MASH), were horrible but they managed to pay quite well. Thank God! Or goddess (right Gary?).

Regarding Adolfo I have had these wonderful fantasies in my head. Strangely enough these were many of the same fantasies I had with Brian. I have a different level of respect and love with Adolfo though. You were right when you wrote me and told me you thought Adolfo loved me even though you never met him. My fantasies involved us going on vacation together in October and having a wonderful time in spite of the fact he told me that he does not “want” to travel. Naturally, I expect as soon as he does travel that he will change his mind… right?

Well, you can see one delusion. But, to be honest, I would marry him tomorrow if I could. I want us to live together so as we can sleep together every night, wake up together to have coffee, kiss each other before going out for the day, etc…… It seemed to come all crashing down around me on Sunday. Here we were driving off to see XXX at the Sam’s Town Casino and I had a meltdown. I started ballin’ like crazy and I could not let him in on it. I told Adolfo it was not him, but it was true because it was all me. I had a mental construct of what we were and where we were going and now I became aware that it may have been all a misperception….

In the end… I saw Adolfo feeling broken because he thought I was breaking up with him last night. I am uncertain how to repsond to some situations because in my sorted, jaded life I suspect everyone of using emotion to manipulate. I have suspected in the past he used his tears to get his way or to break a bad situation between us? Not this time. Somehow he may have actually misunderstood that I was breaking up. He was in a ball on the floor of his apartment crying so hard I could not understand a word he was saying.

I know we need therapy. He told me he was screwed up and apologized for it. Well, news is we are both screwed up and that is reality. Both of us have the burn marks of many past failed encounters and relationships that left us as insecure and lonely people who want love, but do not know how to live it out. It means we have to learn the best ways to love and accept love. …I guess.

Life marches on. I am going to have dinner with him tomorrow. In our conversations Adolfo told me one of the conditions of us living together is that I have to start using fabric softener. I never use it because of a couple reasons… primarily it kills the absorbancy of towels, it’s an extra cost, and it’s flammable in some cases. I plan on bringin him a red rose in a bottle of Downey tomorrow. What do you think of that? Ha ha ha…

Since my last submission, I am nearly 100% healed. My ASS is working perfectly now and no more limping. My toe is nearly to it’s natural color as well. If I am not careful, I may be ahealthy person soon. It is unfortunate I have been unable to make it to the gym with my commitments as well. This new schedule is hard. I took a part time job and I have been working somewhat often. PLUS I have been having to maintain my relationship with Adolfo.

This situation has been precarious lately. It makes me unsettled. We know we love each other, but sometimes you would think we just met yesterday???? Friday evening I picked Adolfo up from work. On the way to his house for a change of clothes, he informed me there was NO WAY he would be able to go on a short vacation with me in October. He is still in probation for his Bellagio job… which is cool… BUT he has not asked to see if it was possible to lose 3 days of work. Grrrrrrrrr! I know he hasn’t. I understand, but at the same time I do not understand. This is my only time I can seriously travel with him and relax because this is a school break.

For a while now I have been trying to work out a plan to take Adolfo to Disneyworld for 4 days. I figure I can work it out so we pay (together) less than 100$ for the entire trip! Well, the point is that I might as well step back and piss all over that idea. The evening went sour fast and Adolfo walked out on me. I did nto talk to him… cold silence! I went to bed ahead of him and when he did not show up I went into the living room telling Adolfo to get to bed. He suggested he leave and I told him it was up to him… (sound familiar Allan?)

Anyway, he decided he would leave and I heard the door slam. That bitch walked out on me! I put on my pajamas and went running out after him… stopped in the street and were yelling at each other. He decided he wanted to leave again and walked away. I am running up the street after him and COW to his bitchings before we walk abck. Suddenly he is crying all over and we sleep… in the mornig there was great sex to follow… anyway…

Saturday… we planned on dinner after both of us got off work. We ended up eating out at Super Mex and then off to bed with more sex… blah blah blah

NOW SUNDAY… today… I realized after work today that while we were on the way to the movies to see xXx… Adolfo said something that made me wonder if I have been duluding myself in a major way. Recently I went through a process of self analysis where I saw that my head was always in the future and not in the present… I realized I was causing myself a lot of harm by looking to the future instead of being mindful of the present. Anyway, he said something that landed right on that nerve and suddenly I was crying like a baby! It fucked up the whole night I tell you. I reviewd all the things that was in my head:

– Living Together

– Going on a Vacation

– Etc…

Well, I told him I was going to back off a bit. I wanted to know exactly what he was committed to in this relationship.. blah blah blah. So, I left thinking it was all cool. But I had this nagging feeling. SO I called Adolfo and he was crying so hard I could barly understand. I ended up going over there seeing him balled up on the floor in the dark because he thought I was breaking up with him.

Argh! I had to explain and explain. I wanted him committed and I realized that I have been deluding myself on too much lately. …

Oh crap… my sleeping pill is kicking in… I am off to bed…

I need sympathy. Well, I really need some help. I feel like one of those pathetic, sad, destraught people who can barely function. You see, Friday night while I was in San Francisco I hurt something and since then it has gradually become worse. I thought I pulled a muscle? This morning I started to realize it was more like a pinched nerve? Now, I am wondering even more??? Could this be a hernia? Or could it have started as one of the above and then became something else? Argh… every move I make now it hurts like HELL!

I felt a muscle that seemed to start at the top of my right glute or near the base of my tail bone that hurt like hell but I was dealing with it. It gradually got worse here and there, but with the miracle of drugs, it was tollerabel. Finally as of this morning it became intollerable. I cannot pic anything up off the floor or move very easily. School this morning was painful and getting around today was a bitch x 10.

Oh yeah, I mentioned I was in San Francisco. Friday night I was on another plane to another destination. I went to SFO for another carefree weekend of sin and delight. Yes, again without Adolfo, but I wished he was there. I’ll discuss that leter. Back to me…

Stayed at the Sir Francis Drake which is a hoity toity hotel on Powell and paid 500/night for a closet bedroom and a nice living area we barely used. The room was nice, I admit, and was centrally located to all the important shit. On Friday night we had dinner at the Scala Italian Restaurant in the first level of the Drake and had a fabulous meal done by a talented chef. Our waiter was super and dinner was super. We had to wait an hour to be seated without a reservation, so we went up to the Starlight Room in the tower of the Drake which is supposed to be -all that. Well, if you ask me it was none of that! It sucked. Dinner was a great reward for patience though.

Saturday we took out Lexus silver convertable sports car (fancy with satallite and a silky voice that talked to us) and went shopping. That was totally cool! We found a cute breakfast place at Powell and Sutter called Roxanne’s Cafe. Lunch was a hot dog at Target in Redwood City. BUT Dinner was a lovely lovely place called La Folie on Russian Hill in the city where we had champaigne with a four course meal. I cannot recall having such a wonderful meal! I had this filet mignon with duck liver and a lovely sauce over it. Later, we went to see Mama Mia and WOW the evening was complete! Oh my god this was so so so so so so so so so so fun.

Sunday was cool, too. We had plans on going to Napa, but did not make it. We ended up checking out China Town and then Japan Town for some last minute shopping. I wanted to get to the culinary strores and find some neat stuff. I came away with a couple cutters for garnishes that are totally cool and I found a cute gift for Adolfo. I got him a panda bear with a jade ring hidden in the pocket.

WHO did I go with? Why wasn’t Adolfo there? What is the deal??? Well, the trip was part business and part work… in essance this guy hired me to help him with some things and along the way I get to tag along for a lot of fun. I set up his trip and tickets in SFO… blah blah blah. Adolfo knows everything and it is all good and innocent.

Adolfo’s schedule does not really allow him to travel like me. I have been very fortunate recently and count my blessings! As I reported in my previous entry, Adolfo was asking for a “break” with us. When I came back we talked and I know he loves me a lot. On occasion he might need space and I will give it to him whatever. He works too much and works very hard in some menial jobs that do not offer much nthe way of rewards. That Sunday night we had the BEST sex (love making)!

So tonight, we had dinner out and it was really nice. We visited Paula at the MGM Buffett and ate too much. I gimped around and limped, moaned, and piddled about effectively pathetic looking. Sitting down, getting up, moving around… damn it hurts! He was quiet and seemed so unhappy, much as he appears in a lot of those pictures, and people keep telling me. You guys do not see the moments he really seems happy, because Adolfo practically glows! He is so loving and sweet some times.

Would you believe I have told him I would marry him tomorrow if we could. I love Adolfo more thatn anything and though I might have thought this way before, I can say it is how I feel now. I know when I was with Brian, I was so incredibly certain that Brian and I would be together forever. Adolfo is different and the respect I feel from him is better and stronger. I can also be honest with Adolfo about myself more than anyone and it feels good.

Oh well. I have been praddling on too long. Looks like I am going to saty home on Wednesday to try and feel better. I do not have medical insurance and need to get in touch with the VA to see a doctor. This whole thing is starting to get unnerving. Oh well…