Venting should be therapeutic. Catharsis should be lifting? Idk, but after yesterday’s post I hoped to take some of the weight off my shoulders and find little more freedom of the weight that has been in my heart. I have no idea if I achieved any of that, but a lot of shit went down.
24 hours later my bf and I had a huge fight after I wrote that about some MORE seriously… seriously stupid stuff. I wanted out of the relationship again, and didn’t. He is the one usually holding us together and it was as if he was letting us unravel. But it was really me.
I went to work as usual today and it was… meh. A long day. A meaningless day, but a day where I wonder what the fuck I am doing with my life. This job is a year of karma points. That’s all. But my boss said some nice things, not what I expected, and I wondered again if it was all worth it.
Turns out we are supposed to go to Pismo Beach for a wedding for one of his friends. I am going… just to get out of town. So yeah.
Author Archive: scott.kay
In a dark place….
When I started writing this blog as many years ago… it was a time when I was much happier. I am like a swimmer in the ocean caught in the rip tides these days often pulled helpless under the curling waters unable to catch a breath. I am in the wall of an ant trap unable to escape what lay below or the freedom which seemingly exists above.
I grew up so certain of some things and at my current age I have not seen any of those things come true. Everything I thought was written in my minds has so far been a delusion; neither positive or negative these ideas have been the exact opposite of what I dreamed.
In these times I am floundering in those tides of a rough sea in a place both mentally and physically that are killing me like a psychological cancer; my sanity in question and the random disappointments like those killer tides.
- I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 32: failed that one as I am staring 51 in the face.
- I was supposed to be wealthy and having traveled the world before that death… well I guess I got that half right. Being perpetually poor and unable to hold on to a buck. Being constantly in debt and unable to escape taxes, credit cards, student loans debt debt debt really plays on a person’s soul and mind.
No that I am the healthiest of minds to begin with. Not that the way I was raised was any solace to feeling like a healthy human being. I feel like I am dying on the inside and I have no one to find a handle with.
This has nothing to do with my boyfriend, because I love him more than anything right now. I would not want to lose him, but I might need to break away for enough time that I can feel like I have a grip on myself and my responsibilities.
BrokenWifi.Com
I started a second blog for my little nods of the world around me. Maybe someone will want to share in my signal. Alas it is still new and does not have so much as a feather as a wing yet. I came to this site to do some maintenance and some venting… let’s see how that bloody well works.
6 months later
I am still alive… not that there is any great mystery to anyone paying any kind of attention. No one reads this blog any more and with the rise of Facebook, no one really goes past it.
- I am still living in San Francisco and still living with my bf CMonster
- I hate this living situation and would love it to change soon
- I still have the job I talked about in my previous post which was about 6 months ago…
- I am now working on my plans for Burning Man (see www.sunguardians,net)
So there ya go… a big update.
Burning Man 2015 w/ Sun Guardians
The theme camp this year is coming on so nicely! We are 2/3 reserved now and some have paid their camp fees already which is a lot of help in getting ready for everything. If you want to see more go to www.SunGuardians.net
Lot’s going on
Well, I started a new job last week and it was neither as a designer or as a cook; in any way. It’s a job and one that pays better than anything I had over the last three years. So, I move on thinking practically and trying to make something out of my time remaining here in San Francisco.
I did go and buy some clothes today… of which I was in serious need of. Most of my clothes are so old they are actually falling apart. And I have been wanting to dress like something less than a slob and have found some clothes that are not too expensive.
Still need to get a new place and get settled. I need a home and I need to find a place to live. CMonster and I keep focusing on a place together but I am wondering how reasonable and realistic that is. We have had a lot of stupid small fights lately but it could be that we have been living in a tiny box together for the last six months.
Anyway, I am still working on my burning man stuff. 2015 with my theme camp Sun Guardians is I wrote abut it in my BM Blog here but check out the Sun Guardians web site.
Inside Out
My post yesterday felt a little on the dramatic side. I can feel like I am in some very dark places some times. My life… swear… feels like I am caught in some Greek tragedy. It is the Groundhog Day from Hell.
None the less, I am still navigating and keeping from sinking. I try and stay strong, though I am as weak as the bones I was carved from. I see all the faults of my parents in me. But I also see the strengths as well.
I am done faulting my father and my paternal lineage with where I am and who I am these days. There is a point where I am old enough to consciously make decisions for my self and take ownership of who and where I am.
The inner conflict I face sucks, but the horrible truth is I have to suck it up and find myself somewhere inside.
Misery Myself
Lately things have been feeling so tightly wound that I feel like I am nothing but a bag of delicate twigs inside. Push a little on the outside wrapper and something inside breaks before it bends. It feels like that is all that is left in me.
Not that anyone is paying much attention. I know this blog is invisible to anyone that matters. I know my purpose in life is like a battery that lost its charge and alternatives keep looking better and better. Either way, I am such a coward. And I seem to be king of the pity-police.
Anyway, this web site has degraded itself into a platform for all my misery, I feel like the pity-me road started when I left Vegas and devolved into this. Whatever it takes to make change happen for the better I should find it soon or Plan B.
Just some whimsy
I turned 50 since I last really posted and this was the most unceremonious and non-validating year I have ever experienced. Is it weird I am having flashbacks to when I was a kid and I got cheated out of a birthday party when I was a Farrell’s Ice Cream 
Parlor when I was – like seven. We still lived in the San Fernando Valley at the time.
CMonster does try his best, but he is not equipped with a lot of common sense when it comes to things like birthdays, holidays or such. The thing is I know he loves me and for some reason on this planet I got lucky in the area of love once again. If you remember Adolfo (my ex) then you would know I have been lucky at least once before. I lost him for my own stupidity.
For whatever it is worth things are feeling very raw and I have to get my life on some sort of track so that I am actually moving somewhere. I figured out I have been much like a turtle since I left Alexander’s. I keep retreating into my shell and hiding from the world. Working on my stupid Burning Man stuff is the thing I seem to feel passionate about.
If you are reading this please comment below…
My stats show me that people are coming to my site, but I have no idea if anyone is paying attention at all. This blog has changed so much since I started it… damn I should look up what the oldest post is. There were versions before this, believe it or not, because I have had it since the internet was… yep – I’m that old.