I have not heard anything about my posting earlier today from anyone?

Well, I went to CEI and decided to go there for some school for the next 9 months before going to the University of Phoenix. This could be good for me…

Keith, if you’re reading this, then you should know we missed out on applying for Amazing Race 7. Last night I saw the announcement for the applications and I went on-line today…. well, they applications with a video tape are due today. Ugh! This would have been fun to do, huh?

Anyway, last night I made dinner for friends. I made my favorite dish in individual portions. I love Beef Wellington. I added a goose terrine to it and bought Choice steaks from a sirloin… oh my god. There is a huge difference in beef with government inspections versus beef without it. I also made a cream corn, mashed yam… for desert I made domes of caramel creme brulee with a carmelized sugar drizzle, wine poached bosch pear, and a pipe of meringue torched on the plate for decoration.

So, we know another couple we want to invite next week. I want to make a crown of lamb (lamb crown roast) with all the appropriate accoutrements…. sound good? Jelous?

My Thoughts:

So… my brain has been working overtime again. My auger compass has been spinning… I am lost on my path of life… anyone see any signs?????

I was certain about where I was going to go in my career. That lasted about 20 minutes. Then something happens making one doubt one’s-self.

Plan: Go to school and get my BS in Information Technology. In the meantime, get certain job related certications so that I can pump up my resume even more and find the ideal IT job in January 2005. Graduate with my BS by January 2006. All the while, work part time in the Culinary Industry in a savory kitchen either paid or unpaid.

Whats gone right with that plan?: I registered with University of Phoenix and signed up for the Bachelor’s program in IT. I also called CEI about their certifcation program and will be talking to them later today*. I also have a fully updated resume on Monster.Com that looks quite remarkable. I have a lot of expereince in IT and it seems silly on touse the vallue of that????

Whats gone wrong with the plan?: I have really enjoyed making pastry. In fact, when I get training on new recipes and concepts with some of the supervisors at work I feel really excited, because I believe I do quite well at the Venetian. It gives me pause when I get that excited about working with food that I am doing the right thing.

My problem is that the Culinary field is a young persons career. You need a lot of strength and stamina to stay in it. You need to make a lot of sacrifices for time and self-esteem. I worked my way through the IT field to a certain point befopre I stepped away to explore this career and I am left feeling more stunned, numb and confused than anything else.

I want to own a restaurant and do all the work associated with it. I am willing to make all the sacrifces with owning a restaurant, etc… I would like to have a show on the food network or some other independant channel. I think that would be fun. Whether you think I am deluded or not is not important to me… I can do whatever I set myself to accomplish.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnyway… I find writing in this journel to be very theraputic. It allows me to take the layers of thoughts in my head and transmit them to “paper” as it were. The fact that I broadcast them out to all of you is a complex phsychological paradox that is in my head. Gary is like the voice of god with his feedback that boosts me. My toxic buddy Allan tries to do much the same thing… but he is undergoing his own transmutation into a new outlook. My biggest surprise for great feedback lately has been my ex-BF Brian who recently gave me some phenomenal advice.

So, which brings to mind another point. I was watching Regis and Kelly today and Jeff Probst was guest hosting with Kelly. They discussed a survey that 36% of people have regrets in life usually associated with a past love. For me it’s true….

Adolfo and I broke up in 1994 after seeing each other for 1 year-ish. I

never forgot him and regretted that we did not get along so well back then; I

had expectations that he could not meet.

Pete and I dated for a few months in 1995(?) and I loved him so much. His

best freind and I could not get along and it was affecting our relationship.

Last I heard Pete was living in New Jersey… we talked and updated each other

in 1999 or 2000 and I think that ember has cooled for me and for him.

John from San Francisco is someone I cared a lot for and I hurt very badly.

I cheated on him.

James from Northridge, CA was someone I fell in love with. I met him at a

sex club of all places and really clicked. I held onto the idea of him wanting

me back for years after until I finally realized he was not coming for me. I

moved to Boston right after we broke up.

Then there was Brian… my ex while I was in Boston. We broke up in 1999

after seeing each other a year. The reasons we broke up were valid, but it

seemed that all those reasons changed when his next BF put him through the same

things I felt he put me through. Brian even commented to me about it once…

well, I expected him to come back to me for almost 3 years after we broke up. I

find him in my heart even to today, but I know it will never come to pass.

My point in this ramble is that Jeff Probst said, from Kelly and Regis, that he never looks backward in regret and that he always looks forward. I know that is ONE of my issues which probably even brought Adolfo and I together today. I can learn something from that, because there will always be someone out there if I want that.

I think Adolfo and I would have broken up if I was not concerend about my own feeling of regret and doubt about what I want versus what I think I want. I have been wrong when I broke up with Brian, and James and I broke up, and when John and I fell apart, I was wrong sooooooo many times.

Before Adolfo there was Ronnie who died without knowing how much I loved him. We broke up when I shold have done more to resolve our problems. He was often not a nice guy, but I never gave him much of a chance. Hell I was younger and even more stupid back then.

What a quandary, huh?

So, I am sorry to all of you for being so back and forth over the board. I hope the continuity of the ramble was not too far off stream. You think that maybe one day I will have my shit together? Will I ever be happy? Can I ever be happy? Would I even know what that is?

MSN Astrological Forcast:

“Your normal pace, slow and steady, usually wins the race, dear Capricorn,

but today you might need to take some short cuts. Feel free to jump on

opportunities that seem to crop up out of nowhere. However, don’t feel like you

need to commit to anything at this time. Take your chances and see where lady

luck takes you. There is an adventuresome spirit in the air that is urging you

to take an unexpected gamble.”

Isn’t that cute… I was looking at some of my Astrological stuff and I just kinda shutter. I believe in a lof of that stuff… often to my demise with SOOOOOO many charlatans out there. Anyway, they say to be exact you need the birthdate and the time of birth… which I keep secret. Why? It is also said if you give someone your date/time someone has power over you…

Don’t ask me WHO they are…

Linda Goodman at www.astrologyzone.com says:

“You got through July, your toughest month. Rest assured that August will be

better and September will be the best month of all. In fact, it could become

your very favorite month of the year. Every day, in every way, things are

getting better for you.”

Yeah, well, we’ll see. Anyway. I need to get going as it is getting late and I am slowly melting. The goals project has wained this week a bit… I come home from work exhausted.

I need shock-therapy.

I should be in bed…. instead I have drama here. This is the e-mail I sent to my apartment manager:

Tonight I called security about a problem with Donald’s dog… I believe that is

his name. He lived in the apartment directly across from mine in the

neighboring

building. I wrote a complaint about them previously; not picking

up their dog

poop.

Anyway, they must have left for a while

today as their dog

was left unattended on the balcony. I saw it had managed

to climb over and was

suspended by the neck from a leach that was tied off

under the closet door. I

got the animal back on the balcony, saw it had

water, then walked away only to

hear a crash and it was suspended

again.

I called security at that

time asking if they had a

contingency for the situation. A young man came over

and took my

information, tried to flush anyone out of the apartment (no

success)… so

it was presented to me that I could take it or they would have to

call the

pound.

I offered to take him in. He was so hungry he

devoured

my dog’s food. Then crapped twice and pissed all over my living room. I

was

trying to be a good guy, but could not host the animal. I put it in a safer

place at their front door with food and water. I also left it with a bone to

chew on.

I called Mike at the security desk again informing him

what I had done. Two hours later and my neighbors have not arrived home. Al

will

check on the animal when he gets home in a couple hours.

I do not

know what you can do, but it is obvious to me these

people do not know how to

care for a dog. It was as if the animal was

trained to pee and poop in-doors

instead of out. It’s a good puppy, but

needs more training then I can handle

right now.

Thank you for

your time.

Is this sick or what? Ugh, fucking bitches across the way… a couple of scraggle snarl tooth queer bitches all hop’d up on crank I am sure!

Well, the new goals are still coming together. I have been acting each day in a manor to achieve those goals, so I cannot say I have been sitting back on my lorals (sp?). Everyday so far I have achieved at least one thing.

This latest moon brought a spirit of change… I feel it all around me. I feel things happening and energies changing. They are like wheels in a clock, delibertately moving sequentially, methodically, in timing of the previous event… do you see it augers?

I will define and publish these things soon as soon as I have some time to focus on the web site… other than this diary anyway. The goals page will be taking shape again!

On other news… I have been watching Big Brother and Amazing Race closely.

Big Brother: Jase has got to go! Natalie is in the house! I am very happy with the show… I am an addict. I admit it. Scott is gone from the show. We have a few more to get rid of. My bet, Adria will win.

Amazing Race: Don’t you hate Sharla and Mirna!?!?!?! Isn’t the blonde model boy hot… annoying though. Fucking Christian idiot that he is. All the old people are bounced from the show now… ugh.

Anyway… I am working on stuff honeys… smoochie.

Goals are still forming.. foaming… taking shape… gelling… congealing….

Project GOALS is underway. My brain is working, I have already started taking some action. I am learning to focus and take some shape on what I need to do, where I need to be, and where I need to go.

I have a couple of past debts to fix. One of which will be taken care of tomorrow. The other is a larger beast that I need to tackle: the IRS. ugh!

So, the goals that are posted now in the “about” section are already changing as a result. I am looking around and evaluating. I am going to put more emphasis on my IT experience. Today I enrolled in classes for my Bachelor’s Degree in Information Technology. I have about 18 months of school ahead of me, but I hope it will put me into a career field again that I found challenging.

I am challenged with my cooking, but I am getting so discouraged with it. I want to cook more for people, but this deal with cooking has not panned out as much as I would like. When I originally went into cooking and getting a Culinary Degree it was for a purpose: to open a restaurant. Maybe that will still happen, but if fate is not interested in granting me that, I need to possibly tak another route.

The auger thing again, people. I feel like I have signs all around me telling me I did the wrong thing. Big signs… little signs… etcetras. So, Keith, this is one of the things I was talking about on the phone earlier today.

Oh, Keith, your sister gave me 3 Halibut Fillets from your freezer.

Anyway, a goal I have decided to reach for is buying a house within a year! In Las Vegas – hell, fucking, no way! I hate this place. Las Vegas completely sucks and NO ONE should come here. Okay, that was an exaggeration… truth is that this is a hard place to live because 93.5% of the people are REALLY REALLY screwed up.

AND, I found a store called the Great Indoors. I am in love with this store and found appliances I have to have. The appliances combined with a kitchen I saw at IKEA will make my life complete.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyway, Adolfo freaked out on me again tonight. I am getting very tired of it. I am giving him until December… to get a grip. He freaked because he found out I helped a friend shave his head… his head… on his shoulders. Not his ass! Not his cock! Nothing below the shoulders… ugh! He makes me guilty for wanting friends!

At this point I am thinking wayyyyyy too much. I just took Tom for a walk and I thought about things Brian was telling me last night. He told me how he took his dog for a walk and it was as if it was the perfect moment. This was while he was telling me how I need to live in the moment instead of the other…

I know I count on the future. I counted on a couple psychics who read my future through their cards and I was crunched under that one… remember the psychic in the Village, Brian? Well, let’s say I have serious doubts when it comes to those characters.

Anyway, while I was walking Tom there was a full moon in the south east eclipsed by thick gray clouds. Diana has not been friendly to me in my life, so I treaded carefully as I looked on the magnificent beauty of the moon. The clouds matched my thoughts.

In the northeast there was a fierce storm moving through. Lightening flashes lit up the sky brilliantly, thunder rumbled and got further away with each blast, and the clouds were thick, white and angry.

It was like yin and yang were in the sky arguing about the fate of mankind. It was awesome. I watched letting my anxieties rumble on like the thunder, but the thunder in my head was only getting louder. So, I stopped fixating… for now.

What does it mean to live for the moment? How do I stay inside and how do I stay in the present? How do I stop thinking about the future with every action and reaction. How do I stop the storm?

Sound dramatic? It’s not. No need to worry right now… but I need to find answers.

Here I am adding a second post… this is after I worked on my immediate goals. SHIT… this is harder to do than I thought. What do you think? Page Link

Brian’s words were in my head today. What he said made a lot of sense. He said that I should think more of the NOW instead of …the opposite of that. He is eerily accurate about all that and it worries me.

When I consciously think about it, I can stay in the moment. When I put some real mental effort into it… I can stay in the moment. Something tells me that is not the way it should be?

So, now I wonder how I can look into that more as well as my other issues added to this diary a few days ago. In thought, I have been contemplating how to be more of where I want to be… I have been thinking about choices and how to define myself.

See, for years I was an Information Tehnology professional… with a side ambition of being an entreprenuer. I owned a Travel Agency once-upon-a-time (surprised to hear that?) Well, then I got working on a new strategy after I moved back from Boston to open a restaurant with a pal. Thus, landing me in Las Vegas. I became a chef as a result of that, by going to school to learn how to manage a restaurant, kitchen, and restaurant people. Now, graduated from school, I am a cook at a pastry shop doing sweets that I have no interest in; I like savory cooking and want to do more. So… now I am figuring out my goals. My partner in the restaurant project ended up bankrupt and I was left in Vegas with egg poured over my head. So, goal-wise I am looking into myself if I have the faith and the fortifutde to carry on in the food biz or retreat back to IT???

What do you think now?