I should be in bed…. instead I have drama here. This is the e-mail I sent to my apartment manager:

Tonight I called security about a problem with Donald’s dog… I believe that is

his name. He lived in the apartment directly across from mine in the

neighboring

building. I wrote a complaint about them previously; not picking

up their dog

poop.

Anyway, they must have left for a while

today as their dog

was left unattended on the balcony. I saw it had managed

to climb over and was

suspended by the neck from a leach that was tied off

under the closet door. I

got the animal back on the balcony, saw it had

water, then walked away only to

hear a crash and it was suspended

again.

I called security at that

time asking if they had a

contingency for the situation. A young man came over

and took my

information, tried to flush anyone out of the apartment (no

success)… so

it was presented to me that I could take it or they would have to

call the

pound.

I offered to take him in. He was so hungry he

devoured

my dog’s food. Then crapped twice and pissed all over my living room. I

was

trying to be a good guy, but could not host the animal. I put it in a safer

place at their front door with food and water. I also left it with a bone to

chew on.

I called Mike at the security desk again informing him

what I had done. Two hours later and my neighbors have not arrived home. Al

will

check on the animal when he gets home in a couple hours.

I do not

know what you can do, but it is obvious to me these

people do not know how to

care for a dog. It was as if the animal was

trained to pee and poop in-doors

instead of out. It’s a good puppy, but

needs more training then I can handle

right now.

Thank you for

your time.

Is this sick or what? Ugh, fucking bitches across the way… a couple of scraggle snarl tooth queer bitches all hop’d up on crank I am sure!

Well, the new goals are still coming together. I have been acting each day in a manor to achieve those goals, so I cannot say I have been sitting back on my lorals (sp?). Everyday so far I have achieved at least one thing.

This latest moon brought a spirit of change… I feel it all around me. I feel things happening and energies changing. They are like wheels in a clock, delibertately moving sequentially, methodically, in timing of the previous event… do you see it augers?

I will define and publish these things soon as soon as I have some time to focus on the web site… other than this diary anyway. The goals page will be taking shape again!

On other news… I have been watching Big Brother and Amazing Race closely.

Big Brother: Jase has got to go! Natalie is in the house! I am very happy with the show… I am an addict. I admit it. Scott is gone from the show. We have a few more to get rid of. My bet, Adria will win.

Amazing Race: Don’t you hate Sharla and Mirna!?!?!?! Isn’t the blonde model boy hot… annoying though. Fucking Christian idiot that he is. All the old people are bounced from the show now… ugh.

Anyway… I am working on stuff honeys… smoochie.

Goals are still forming.. foaming… taking shape… gelling… congealing….

Project GOALS is underway. My brain is working, I have already started taking some action. I am learning to focus and take some shape on what I need to do, where I need to be, and where I need to go.

I have a couple of past debts to fix. One of which will be taken care of tomorrow. The other is a larger beast that I need to tackle: the IRS. ugh!

So, the goals that are posted now in the “about” section are already changing as a result. I am looking around and evaluating. I am going to put more emphasis on my IT experience. Today I enrolled in classes for my Bachelor’s Degree in Information Technology. I have about 18 months of school ahead of me, but I hope it will put me into a career field again that I found challenging.

I am challenged with my cooking, but I am getting so discouraged with it. I want to cook more for people, but this deal with cooking has not panned out as much as I would like. When I originally went into cooking and getting a Culinary Degree it was for a purpose: to open a restaurant. Maybe that will still happen, but if fate is not interested in granting me that, I need to possibly tak another route.

The auger thing again, people. I feel like I have signs all around me telling me I did the wrong thing. Big signs… little signs… etcetras. So, Keith, this is one of the things I was talking about on the phone earlier today.

Oh, Keith, your sister gave me 3 Halibut Fillets from your freezer.

Anyway, a goal I have decided to reach for is buying a house within a year! In Las Vegas – hell, fucking, no way! I hate this place. Las Vegas completely sucks and NO ONE should come here. Okay, that was an exaggeration… truth is that this is a hard place to live because 93.5% of the people are REALLY REALLY screwed up.

AND, I found a store called the Great Indoors. I am in love with this store and found appliances I have to have. The appliances combined with a kitchen I saw at IKEA will make my life complete.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyway, Adolfo freaked out on me again tonight. I am getting very tired of it. I am giving him until December… to get a grip. He freaked because he found out I helped a friend shave his head… his head… on his shoulders. Not his ass! Not his cock! Nothing below the shoulders… ugh! He makes me guilty for wanting friends!

At this point I am thinking wayyyyyy too much. I just took Tom for a walk and I thought about things Brian was telling me last night. He told me how he took his dog for a walk and it was as if it was the perfect moment. This was while he was telling me how I need to live in the moment instead of the other…

I know I count on the future. I counted on a couple psychics who read my future through their cards and I was crunched under that one… remember the psychic in the Village, Brian? Well, let’s say I have serious doubts when it comes to those characters.

Anyway, while I was walking Tom there was a full moon in the south east eclipsed by thick gray clouds. Diana has not been friendly to me in my life, so I treaded carefully as I looked on the magnificent beauty of the moon. The clouds matched my thoughts.

In the northeast there was a fierce storm moving through. Lightening flashes lit up the sky brilliantly, thunder rumbled and got further away with each blast, and the clouds were thick, white and angry.

It was like yin and yang were in the sky arguing about the fate of mankind. It was awesome. I watched letting my anxieties rumble on like the thunder, but the thunder in my head was only getting louder. So, I stopped fixating… for now.

What does it mean to live for the moment? How do I stay inside and how do I stay in the present? How do I stop thinking about the future with every action and reaction. How do I stop the storm?

Sound dramatic? It’s not. No need to worry right now… but I need to find answers.

Here I am adding a second post… this is after I worked on my immediate goals. SHIT… this is harder to do than I thought. What do you think? Page Link

Brian’s words were in my head today. What he said made a lot of sense. He said that I should think more of the NOW instead of …the opposite of that. He is eerily accurate about all that and it worries me.

When I consciously think about it, I can stay in the moment. When I put some real mental effort into it… I can stay in the moment. Something tells me that is not the way it should be?

So, now I wonder how I can look into that more as well as my other issues added to this diary a few days ago. In thought, I have been contemplating how to be more of where I want to be… I have been thinking about choices and how to define myself.

See, for years I was an Information Tehnology professional… with a side ambition of being an entreprenuer. I owned a Travel Agency once-upon-a-time (surprised to hear that?) Well, then I got working on a new strategy after I moved back from Boston to open a restaurant with a pal. Thus, landing me in Las Vegas. I became a chef as a result of that, by going to school to learn how to manage a restaurant, kitchen, and restaurant people. Now, graduated from school, I am a cook at a pastry shop doing sweets that I have no interest in; I like savory cooking and want to do more. So… now I am figuring out my goals. My partner in the restaurant project ended up bankrupt and I was left in Vegas with egg poured over my head. So, goal-wise I am looking into myself if I have the faith and the fortifutde to carry on in the food biz or retreat back to IT???

What do you think now?

So, if anyone is reading this AT ALL. I added a new page to the site last night featuring my goals. It’s in the about section… this is a work in progress and will be updated.

I’ve been thinking:

(This is where I will relieve my brain of it’s wild thinking and get it out to spare me so I can sleep tonight)

I believe in somthing of augurism, which was used in ancient Rome emporers and religious people looked to nature for signs. Aneagle flying meant it was time for war… blah blah blah. Well, I also see my life like a Kaballic Tale, where life is nearly literally a path through a forest… with good roads and bad roads. Coming to Vegas was a new road…

I see other people on roads that sometimes come close to mine and I see them hung up on trees (bad boyrfriends or a lousy job) or their roads blocked all-together (jail, personal loss, etc.). It makes me accutely aware of my own path…. so I know I have had a lot lot lot of obstacles on my road lately that has slowed me down. Lots of ditractions. I see myself looking ahead for a new road…

Just talked to Brian on-line and he is reading my diary… hi brian.

Anyway, philosophically speaking, I see much of life as a metaphore. I see myself in the context of a temprary visitor in it… though I believe I have an old, grungy, slightly jaded soul. I get depressed, upset, and dispaointed in it allonce in a while so in the past I have used this diary to vomit it all back.

My point about the obstacles was… since I am walking through my path I find myslef help balc by a lot of tree branches and thisltes. I find people and events popping up that interrupt every achievement, almost every goal, and it is starting to really piss me off.

• weight loss
• restaurant goals
• professional goals
• relationship goals
• and other little stupid things I want to get ahead with….

No, I am not trying to blame others or make excuses. In a way, just writing what I did, it may seem that I am blaming outside elements. BUT, in the bigger picture, I believe these events are merely signs that I am not doing what I need to be doing to get ahead.

Let’s see what develops.

Goals, goals, goals… no excuses. No blaming anyone else. No more limits. No more worrying about what other peole think. I need to be ME!

So what about Adolfo, Scott? WELL, we had another fight this week and I hit him with a lot of things I was angry about that went back to last year. BUT we are doing good now… again… for the meantime. I am giving it til December to see what happens.. December is my new decision date for life.

I need goals. Gary wrote me and trie to shake me, smack me a couple of times, telling me I need goals. I have been meaning to write new ones down, but I have let everything just kinda melt in the fucking…. horrible…hot Las Vegas heat. I’m melting!!!!!

So, look for this to appear soon in my “about section”. I promosed this once before, but of course I dragged my feet.

So…. I need to write some things to get off my chest. As you know I am feeling trapped in my job… it’s become this dead end and that I am not getting anything. I have money coming in from it. I get benefits (that I am not using like I should). I work with some people I like… a few I do not… but it’s veery comfortbale. I do have to dela with a lot of people who are… basically stupid.

My anxiety is that I feel like I am not fulfilling anything I want to do in life right now. I have no freedom in it. It is a nuse around my neck which is why I have to write my goals out and get them posted… so until then no more BITCHING.

I also worry that my cooking skills suck. This is stricly my own judgement.

Imagine standing in the eye of a hurricane. All around you is the storm and you can see things in that wind that is swirling around you:

• Adolfo and my commitment.
• My ability to love Adolfo.
• My weight and self-image issues.
• My future happiness
• My desire to fullfill something inside of me…. (I’ll explain more later)

Anyway, I have had time when I wanted to leave Adolfo. A major catalyst recently was our trip to Disney where he rabidly assaulted my feelings in the lobby of the Hotel as I was checking in. If there is one thing anyone who knows me should respect is that do not EVER EVER EVER call me out in public. That is your tombstone in my eyes….

On the other hand I cannot imagine being without him in my life. I go out daily and think about him. I love being next to him in bed. I love being next to him on the couch. I love being out in the world with him. His assets include an amazing ability to be charming when he is in the right mood. He is charming, sweet and humorous when he wants to be.

Adolfo has called me out and embarrased me so many times I cannot keep count. He did it at Disney, he did it at a networking and school event at Jillians last year, he did it at a couple parties.

But, that is what I have to live with huh?

As far as that something inside me is concerned… I want to travel. I want to embrace the world. God willing I would be a Anna Jolie if I could. I saw a picture of a Spanish coast line and I deperately want to go there. I dream about going to France with such a passion that you can only imagine. Amsterdam sparks a curiousity in me; before meeting Adolfo I planned on moving there and retiring one day. I love Italy and dream about returning there too.

These are the ties that bind…. so I am fulfilled by my own imagination and dreams.

No, Gary darling, this was not just to get your goat. I actually think and get stuck on these things! The fact I feel stuck right now is my own hubris.