So, I am dealing with yet another epiphany today. Between issues with Seattle. Between issues moving me here to LV. Between a woman from 25 years + contacting me out of the blue. Between my parents expectations of me in Culinary. Between other peoples expectations imposed upon me. Dealing with my own unreal vision of my life… I am finally fed up.

I have firmly believed that I was destined to make a mark on the world… I also believed that MEDIOCRITY was my greatest enemy. Maybe this time I need to accept medi-ocrity is my natural course.

I don’t know anymore. I do not feel anymore. I am starting believe it is inevitable to die a quiet death in a mothball stinking room with polyester covers and fiber-fill pillows. Of course the bed will have a plastic underliner and the pillow will also have a plastic liner.

Am I doing my usual whining? Am I doing my usual prattling? If I am I am currently unawares. I really have been feeling this shit.

I would have certainly blown my own brains out 500 different ways if I did not believe it was a cosmic no-no to do so.

Who cares? Well, I have made more decisions and will see where the road takes me. I have no direction. I have no more passion. I heart is darkening and will stop beating as I knew it.. thought it should beat.

I have to find peace and tranquility with Adolfo. I have to find a place to call home and dig roots. I have to accept that security for me, my family, my home is a priority… I have to discover and be at peace with mediocrity.

Since I have moved into Vegas I have reconnected with some interesting people from my past. 1. My best freind from High School, Terry, who can be seen in my photo album during his 40th birthday from last year. 2. My one and only girlfriend Ruby (also in my gallery from 2003) when we reconnected. Both of these guys I am still in touch with and have reformed new and lasting freindships with. Interesting, huh? Well, yesterday I heard from a girl whom I had been freinds with in Junior High School.

Odly enough, I met Ruby and Terry at the same school. This girl was named Judy and she has since been married and had child, blah blah blah. She seems nice. She told me she moved to Santa Barbara right after JHS.

So, she is nice and is telling me in Chat that I was really nice to her… I probably was, but I doubted that I deserve all the kindness that she gave me. She said she has very fond memories of me. I can barely remember lunch today, so I hunkered out my JHS 7th grade yearbook (yes, I have it still and closeby) and looked her up. Yes, I recall her ever so slightly. JHS was an age where I was going through a whole lot of shit….

Well, Judy told me she named her son Scott in his middle name after me… remembering my kindness. I can hardly fathom such an honor. I can hardly believe I was ever so nice given the jaded, burnt out, shattered soul that exhibits his life on this web site.

Anyway… she remembers Terry and Ruby as well. She was shocked when I told her Ruby and I were together for 3 months as a couple.

I made some updates to Uncy Ed’s site tonight and set him up with a blog site and a new site I discovered. www.flickr.com is conencted to blogger as well and you need to check it out. I set Eddie up on that, too, so he can possibly get some instant feedback on some of his work.

Cool, huh?????

Talk soon! Scott

I am thinking aboutmy last entry. It sounded a little bitchy moany. Though I care a little if someone’s nose got out of joint for it, I was just venting.

I have decided I have to search for the positive side of living here and there are aspects. Sometimes I feel like killing Allan for getting me here…though he did nto have a gun to my head.

Ugh… I want to do something with my life. I am waffling again, Gary! I told Ken in the Bahamas that I need some inspiration. There is a cooking school I want to go to in China that is interesting… but I am looking into other things too.

In case some of you did not hear, I am sure I lost out on the Seattle gig I was looking into. The guy seems kinda cool, so who knows what the future holds?

All is well in hoo-ville. Sometimes I feel like I am in Petticoat Junction with the army of hillbilies that live here in Las Vegas. So many people assume what life is like here and boy, are you wrong if you do. Beyond the strip is a variety of worlds. In the west side of town there is a whole new city growing and builders deperately trying to make this place into middle America.

Here on the east side of town there is an old, nastalgic Vegas of homes and off-strip properties that locals often go to. There are also a lot of old neighborhoods that still get some good folks, but other areas that have very poor and depserate people.

Did you know the Mormons founded this town and still run it in many ways? Did you know that a lot of Casino management are Mormons? They are hired because they are more trustworthy… at least that is the perception. I cannot verify that entirely, but at the Venetian anyway, something is amiss because this is now one of the few properties that does not offer or intend to offer domestic partner benetifts.

I am getting off track.

About a year and a half ago there was a congressman in NV that chastised the casino industry for targeting morons and hillbillies in their hiring… great for them. I digress. They are discouraging education and filling positions with under-educated people and therefore paying them lower wages and workig them more hours.. blah blah blah.

I am venting again. Sorry about that…

Ugh… sick day was used well, but I found out today my schedule was changed this week and I am off tomorrow. Ugh… well, I will try and use the time well.

Look at this guy! He’s naked, so do not freak out, but he is UNREAL looking.. and not in a good way. I saw this and HAD to share. Oh my GOD!

Anyway, do any of you have a profile on gay.com? Let me know and let’s connect and chat.

I took a sick day today and started working on a couple projects. One is my uncle’s web site. www.edwardeggman.com …. it’s just a static site and I will be adding more to it over time. I am hoping it will blossum into something really cool!

Time will tell, huh? If you like his art let me know and let him know. Some of his pieces really are cool looking. My favorites are “The Authority” and “Mrs. Crawford”.

More sites coming soon, including one for my dad… Holy COW!

All is well in Sin City. I got a new cell phone today, which I have been lamenting over for the last few months. I am excited, though I did not get an expensive model. All I needed was some of the basics anyway, though I am having trouble figuring out the menus on this tech.

My move to Seattle was canceled as it was originally planned, but after canceling our original plans I was being wooooo’d by the guys up there to help open their restaurantants, but that seems to have fizzled away. They told me today in voice mail that they are looking at someone locally, which I can understand.

I was nervous about the big change, but excited at the same time. It was something that could have been a new platform for me and a doorway into Seattle. Seattle appealed to me because there was, what I perceived, a culture there of people I really liked. Not to mention the absolutely beautiful landscape.

I still dream of moving up there and though we decided to wait a year, maybe the future will be brighter as a result? I still want to buy, but I have some financial issues I need to rsolve first. So does Adolfo. BUT, we can work together.

Well, I am annoyed when people ask me certain questions. I know some people mean well and they do not mean to be annoying.

• Why move to Seattle?
• Do you have a job yet?
• What will you do?
• Blah, blah, fucking blah…

Get over it. I want to move out of Las Vegas because this place is souless and I do not like life here. I like some people and some things here.

Why did I stop going to school? Well, CEI is worth the investment, but it is so demanding I do not have time for real life and I was getting tired. There are no breaks! When am I gunna take the tests for the certs I am studying for? Beside that most of the classroom time is a regurdgitation of the book. I can read.

So, now what?

I am working on financial stuff and if all works out Adolfo and I will save to buy a house. So there. I am never done, tigers.

So, I am at the gym today and there is this guy… just kidding. I am constantly running out of time and getting nothing out of it. I believe I have also decided to stay in Vegas a little longer. Looks like we will be here another year. Another long long long long year.

Mom will be happy. Adolfo will be relieved. Tom will stare blankly at me.

Anyway, I am working on a lot of things and I hope they are seeds that begin bearing fruit.

I have been dieting, btw, and thought I was losing weight. BUT, Friday night turned into a giant pig-out with movie popcorn and a pizza. Kaidy was visiting and we all went to the movies asn asaw Constantine. Oh my God… it was great.

So, I am at the gym today and there is this guy that I think will pretty much make a move on anyone or anything. He is a latino guy, about mid-forties or so, and was probably quite good looking once. Now, he looks a little pathetic and desperate. I thought to myself, this guy is “damaged goods”. Then I paused… I thought that his build really was not THAT far from my own. I gained some weight, I lost some of my finer looks, I am a daisy that has wilted a bit from loss of the sun.

So, I then asked myself… Do I judge and despise in others what I see in myself? Is this perception of him merely a mirror shining back to me?

I know, it’s a little over thought out. But, really I have to ask myself and wonder WHY I have not lost the 30 pounds. I know I can be a considerably good-looking guy. I’m not messaging my ID or anything (look it up if confused).

I hate being overweight. When Brian came to L.A. and visited me I remember the look on his face when he saw me for the first time in more than a year since I left Boston. I was 20#’s heavier and he was shocked. I have been bitching, moaning, groaning, and moping over this for too long.

Well, let’s see if something happens. It is a time for change…

Seattle is getting closer and I keep second guessing myself. I am panicking. I am freaking out. I am shaking inside. I am braver than this!!!!!