I just found out that my web company is going out of business… so all my sites will be vanishing soon. I need to get a new provider… I will keep you updated!

Scott

It’s been a while… again. Our lives have changed with schedules changing. Adolfo and I have much more simular schedules and with that he likes to keep me off the computer. I cannot get a lot of things done I would normally be working on. Is that bad? Is that good?

Time will tell… so far, not so bad.

Mom was here last weekend and we spent a couple evenings with her and my step-dad. It was very nice to see them. This weekend Adolfo’s sis and neice are coming to town. Wierd how everyone travels about the same time, huh? A holiday weekend brings ’em in!

Last night I booked our new vacation. I got a good deal to SFO for three nights and I got hotel, air and a car for a good dea. YEAH! I want to go to Europe this year, too, but I do not see that really developing. ergh…

Anyway, I am looking forward to the whole trip. Getting away is way way overdue right now. I hope not to drive my ass into the poorhouse.

Anyway, I am off to pick the little-man (right Keith?) from work and then off for a drinky-poo. Ha ha ha… Scott

So, it’s been a quiet week and my brain has still been working over time on where I am, what I want, and how to get to a point that I can only imagine arriving at after winning the Lotto (or Megabucks). To get there, I sense I would have to sever my life here with Adolfo and maybe even with Tom, but I am unwilling to do that.

I am examining life. I am thinking about my needs. I am thinking about my happiness now and in the future. I’ll keep ya’ll updated.

Still thinking a lot about a lot of things… thinking too much. I cannot quite put my finger on what it is I feel I am missing out of life. I feel like I am standing on the side of a freeway watching the world passing by. I cannot focus on any one object as it passes by in a blur. (a metaphore)

My life in Boston was good. My life in L.A. was good, but I have more money here (in Las Vegas) and have a lovely home. My relationship with Adolfo is good… but I get big doubts inside of me about the sustainability of it.

I have always journeyed along the path of life (another metaphore) and saw a clear road (for the most part), but I am in a fog!

Alas, I wish I had other news to share. Sometime soon. Surprisingly enough I am not ALL drama. Kisses!

I do not suppose I write much when thengs are good and stuff… that means I need a place and a voice to vent when I am not feeling very secure or comfortable. I cannot say these things to Adolfo, because he usually does not understand. Adolfo listenes, but usually jumps to a conclusion so far off base it leaves me staggering…

Don’t get me wrong. Adolfo is very good to me. He is also very insightful some times. He usually does it in surprising ways. But, he does not completely get me.

I have secrets and shadows I deal with every day in life. I have demons that I wrestle with like many people do. The demons have been loud lately and making themselves appear in parts of my life that I thought were sheltered. They interfere with daily routine some times.

Sounds dramatic. I think I made some strides lately in life and it has caused the sands to shift a bit and the results are … well, when you kill one big demon a smaller, meaner, bitchier demon might not be far behind.

I am paying off a big debt and am getting ready to tackle the next one.

Is it all as clear as mud now?

Anyway, regarding my previous entry, Gary wrote me an interesting response. He said “evil” spelled backwards is: “live”. Am I evil? Am I live – ing. As much as it should have been comforting or thought-provking… the response made me unsettled.

Any thoughts? You can post your own comments below….

Yesterday, I started thinking again. I meditate some times and I get a little vision of the present from outside of myself looking in. I have a hard time seeing myself which is why I value other people’s opinions some times. Like, there have been times when my parents tel me something about my younger years I do not know presently and it stuns me. I wish I had an example!

Now, do not get me wrong… there are a lot of people who want to tell me about ME and they are usaully assholes. Bitter queens with a bad attitude… “you’re fat”, “you got a big ass”… etc… someone told me I was “thick” or “mean”… I know some people say I am mean because I can be too honest and can tell someone something they did nt really want to know.

I know my POV is clearly not always the same POV as other people. I say “so-n-so” is dumb as a stump, but other people say she is “nice”. Is this person in denial ignoring the fact they she is stupid or are they more focused on her nice-ness?

Like me, am I mean or am I too honest?

And, where does the word “evil” come from? What is evil? I am a good person who has a good heart and a desire to help people. Yet, I am bad in many sinful ways. Today I was thinking about the seven deadly sins:

1. Pride: I am full of this. My id overwhelms my commonsense more times than it shold It showed this morning for sure! I had a bad temper-tantrum on the car.
2. Envy: if only there was a cure.
3. Anger: Also answered in #1.
4. Greed: If it were not for greed I would have left Vegas a long time ago. I am here to earn money and enrich my life with more stuff.
5. Sloth: getting there….
6. Gluttony: I am 30#’s over weight.
7. Lust: it’s me.

So, I have some to terms I am a big sinner. If I swollow the whole bible thumper crapola I am off to hell in a firey handbasket. The Jews might be thinking somewhere along the same lines. The freekin’ Muslims already killed me, what can I say????

So, am I a bad person? Am I evil? If I am eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vil then how do I not be evil? Do I follow Pope Gregory’s list as the “don’ts” for the rest of my days?

See, I have this idea that G*d wants us to make the most out of life. It includes traveling, loving, exploring, and more. Right now I am not doing much of any of that. I am feeling very frustrated and adrift.

Suppose all of that crap from above is leading to something? I am not sure where I am going or where I am at. I have passions and none of them are spawning any real fruit. I am spinning in my own shit, really, and feeling upset.

I love cooking and want to mark achievements in that. I love working with computers, web sites, and stuff. You know me… I have many talents. BUT, shouldn’t I be working hard on one of them or is my genious too big for it?

I took a IQ test once and it was a very high score. Is that really good? Is there something for me in the big picture? Is ANYBODY listening?

Yes, I saw Hitchhikers and loved it… but I love English humor anyway. I swear… I was the only person laughing in some of the scenes shown. None of the Hillbillies around me got it. Adolfo looked at me like a lost my friggin mind. I know he liked the movie, but he went mostly at my insistence.

Anyway, next movies to come out I am waiting for are:

Monster In-Law
Star Wars
Madagascar
Mr. and Mrs Smith
Batman Begins
Bewitched
War of the Worlds
Fantastic Four
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Brother’s Grimm

Well, in that order, too.

Other news??? Not much. I miss a lot of my freinds again. Been thinking about Ed in Califronia and Allan in Texas. I also wondered about Maureen in Boston… missing all of you.

It sounds like Adolfo has been enjoying his new job. It sounds like the move to Wynn was a good idea so far. I am happy about all of that… so it’s great that all things seem to be working in the right direction.

I ran to work this morning and was tired all day. You see… I have been down with a cold the last couple days and I have not had a workout in all that time. So, this morning was almost 5 miles and it really took a lot out on my body. I was pooped.

When I finally got home I farted about the house, watched Amazing Race on the Tivo, then dashed off to the tanning booth for a bronzing. Stopped at Starbucks on the way for a white mocha decaf, nonfat with no-whip. Came home after and took a hot bath with some scneted salts I had… yum! I washed, put on a mud maske, cleansed and moisturized; boy am I gay!

Goodnight my dears.

This has been a month of many changes. I have had to make a lot of changes inside my way of thinking as well as my outlook. As you may have read previously, I decided to recind my move to Seattle. I decided there were a lot of benefits to staying here in Nevada that I had to really consider though I wanted to live on the coast.

First off, NOT moving to Seattle meant I lost out on an important gig I wanted. But a problem for me was making that leap of faith. The guy I would have been working for was a nice guy, but maybe too sensative for my way of thinking and acting. I’m not the most PC person in the world.

Since this month began we have faced some other changes and even death. Adolfo’s freind officially committed suicide and was burried by family who may have been more interested in his life insurance than his peace. A freind of mine lost her child yesterday; she was 4 months pregnant. I am very sad for her inside, because I know she really wanted the baby.

It’s ties like these and more that can keep us here. Plus, there are no state income tax. We can earn money to live here and live at a standard we have becme accostom to. I have started looking at buying a home here. Me.. yes.. me.

No Allan, this does not get you off the hook. I should probably have never moved here to begin with, but look at all it’s paid off… I guess I cannot complain. I guess I have to smell the roses and see what I do have and see how I can make the best out of it.

I still want to move on. I still want to expand. I want to explore the world. I want to explore life… but for right now I am settling for mediocrity and security. ho-hum…

Not a lot has been happening, but at the same time that has not been so important. I built a desk in the office this week. It looks nice although it is not so roomy.

I am trying to organize a lot of stuff for us. Life, finances, and more.

Really sounds boring, huh? Oh well.. more to come eventually…