I cannot sleep. I went to bed at 11 and I woke up feeling really wierd about 15 minutes ago. I looked at the clock and I thought it was 2am. So, once I realized what time it was for real… I called Adolfo making sure he was okay.

I am still in SFO. This is my last night. I had dinner with Ken and I drnak too much, which could account for my physical condition. I have a headache and I feel slightly dehydrated. I feel really restless and nervous. I feel upset… but I do not know what about. I dreamed that I parked the car here in the garage and that it was raided… ripped off as it were. Well, I did not drive here.

Mt truck is sitting at the LV airport… but that is not where I dreamed there was a problem.

I have felt alittle off through most of the day. I starte dto think I was catching a cold or something. After lunch with Ken I felt a little light headed and loopy… we hung out through the Castro and it just never went away.

I was a very bad man today… I spent moany on clothes and things that I really should not have. 3 pairs of maonts and a sweater from Macy’s; god I love that store. Oh, a tie pin and socks. Ugh… well, I got 30% off and it was good.

Dinner for 2 cost 240.00 dollars including tip. Oh almost shit… so much for Ken taking me out for Dinner. I saw the bill and I could not let him take the brunt of that bill. I told him we would split it.

I need something to help me sleep. I know I will not sleep… I am not a happy camper. I have had such a nutty fucked up schedule in the last week that my sleep paterns are nuked. I ned therapy… ha ha ha ha

The plan tomorrow is that I will be heading back to LV and a dinner engagement with my man. Yeah us. Unitl then, until I take even one picture on this stupid trip, until I get some sleep tonight, kisses.

Scott

I am in SFO right now having spent the night last night. It is absolutely LOVELY here right now. I can wear a coat. There is a breeze in the city. The morning fog is still blocking out the sun… I have already walked over to Starbucks for some coffee. I woke up alone this morning… and called Adolfo right away.

I woke him up… he sounded so groggy. I miss my man a lot. As soon as I got here last night I did a little shopping. I hit Virgin Records (right up the street) and bought an older Rammstein CD I wanted. I got Black Eyed Peas. And… the TRAPT cd I have been thinking about. I found a little treat for Adolfo too…

There is a shoe store called Soho Shoes I went in to … to see if there was anything irresistible. Yet, no… lots of resistible stuff. I had gone so far 30+ hours without sleep when I decided to hang at the hotel a bit. I got hungry though and wandered toward the Castro.

While waiting for the electric car, I met this dyke who was so nice. I wish I could remember her name… I am so bad at that… and she and I kibitzed a while and ended up going into the Castro and having a burger at this awesome burger place up there.

We said out goodbyes… I gave her one of my cards… and I went shopping some more. I bought a new cock-ring that is chromed. It looks neat.. haven’t worn it yet. Imagine, they let you try them on in the store????? It fit.

HA HA HA HA HA…. anyway, I will write more when I can.

xo, Scott

Night #3 of 5 on Gaveyeard Shift at the Venetian Hotel….

I am more tired tonight than any other night. I had a headache earlier today and I think I still feel the remainder of it… it was because I did not drink coffee until later than usual. I need coffee to survive…. need…. coffee…. must have…. coffee. I had 2 cups at home and then one major sized cup here at work.

I did not work-out again today.. did yesterday… because Adolfo came home early and I feel obligated to give him attention when he does. I do not see much of him. BUT, I need to work out because I feel like a big fat house-plant.

It is my goal to be more upbeat and positive when I can. Here I sit in a job that I am unhappy with and thinking about being more positive. Well, hard times are like penance for a better future, right?

Okay…. no other news…. I will be finished with this graveyard nonsense in two days and then I am running to the airport to dash off to SFO. I feel guilty leaving Adolfo behind, but the odd thing is he does not seem to mind. He was perfectly okay with my trip, even though I told him I was meeting someone he never met before….

I finally broke him… he is like puddy in my hands… yeah right!

When I get into SFO I am going to check into my hotel… nap… go to Virgin records. Have dinner somewhere… check stuff out. Shop a little. I just made a huge payment on my CC from the last trip… but I am going to maintain my sanity and not shop myself to death.

I’ll be staying at the Pickwick Hotel on 5th Street near the Fin Dist off Market if you are in town…. I stayed there a couple years ago and the rooms look they could have been previously owned by a brothel!!!! I am told they redecorated. It is a lovely hotel.

Cheerios!

Well, this is another night at work and yesterday ended quietly and effortlessly. There are some positive aspects to this Graveyard shift business. There are drawbacks. Eitherway, I am just a little soldier getting through it all.

Yesterday I wrote about how unhappy I was in general. I was thinking about that. You have to wonder what it is that drives me and why I seem so complacent???? It is easy to bitch about stuff on this blog, but then the good shit happenes I tend to speak less about it.

A failing in my personality is that I really do not know how to deal with being happy. If I am happy I am also miserable. I am uncomfortable with joy. It’s been a while since I had comfort with those things, ya know???

I think when I lived in Long Beach 1990 to 1996 I was more happy and carefree. I had a dear freind, Ed, and other freinds who were also very important to me. Fact is, I think my troubles with the IRS really took thier toll on my sanity. I think some bad decisions I made also took their toll on my ability to be rational at times.

I am not blaming others for my problems. I am taking ownership… trying to see the origin. Hell, I can’t blame my parents. As dysfunctional as that was, I think I made it through my family unscathed.

I made mistakes in a couple past relationships I can never take back, which I have already lamented TO DEATH in these diary pages; Brian (1999), James (1996), John (1996), and Ron (1993). Well, come to think of it, I may have only done the Brian thing to death here because this diary started in 1999.

Here I go… drifting through my thoughts. I do not need an ex’s page on my site. I did that a couple times, too. I would have to add Pete (1995), Adolfo (1994) and more…. what’s that? Yes, Adolfo and I dated for a year in 1994ish…

Anyway, all of life’s experieinced slowly mold the person you have here today. Same goes for you. We are all more alike then we often know. In my heart I often feel like I stand very alone in spite of all these people around me. I have been very fortunate. I count my blessings, but at the same time I lament my failures. I envy and feel angry at others even when it hardly seems neccessary. I feel inseucure and fear getting old. I am human…… so it seems.

I am at work right now… having just discovered that I can write in my blogs. This week I have a really FUCKED UP schedule because I am working grave-yard until the 12th… which is a date I am dashing off to SFO for a couple more days.

I finally told a lot of people that I changed jobs… I left the Pastry Shop at the Venetian to move into their IT department. My concerns now are that this was a huge mistake, but one I had to live through. I am always stressed over my work here and find a lot of people extremely hostile and … well, not nice.

I am still learning the mentality here. I am still trying to fit in… as it were. Erik helped me get this job and I appreciate it… but I really did not really know what I was jumping in to. The environment is not terribly complicated, but you know techno-nerds they think nobody else can understand what it is that they do. Well, this house of cards is not so complicated and I can handle it just fine.

The question then is… am I happy? I am so miserable that I cannot tell you. I was complacent before… but now… I am just standing here with a mouth full of crow feathers and my index finger is strumming my lower lip in dismay.

I am so unhappy. Not to grouse too much, but I am always certain there are brighter paths ahead. The shining light in this I have been slepping a lot…. but I have not been working out either. I will be back in the gym tomorrow for sure!

I have slept this week as much as I could. The funny thing is that I feel very good from it. It is as if I am making up a lifetime of sleep deprevation. My brain feels different. I feel pieces working that don’t always do.

He he he…. oh well. You know I am a little nuts anyway.

I am off to SFO for a couple days to see a buddy Chef guy whom you can see in my Bale’ pics. Ken is a sweetie and I am happy to see him again since 2002.

I will try and write more….

I have been working a lot and going to the gym a lot again… but I make money and get fatter. I took some pictures because I am going to do some more work on the secret part of this site. I realized how chubby I have gotten, especially in my face.

This has been such a battle this year and I feel like I am fighting myself more than anything. Some times I wonder if Adolfo is to blame, but I am the only one repsonsible for my issues. Ugh! If I could only be more frank here….

You thought I out too much on this site??? I could be putting a hell of a lot more. Trouble is I know only a therapist could help.

Basically I am saying I am a little screwed up. Only a little… right Brian? But, I have some sane anchors in the storm…. Gary? I am also saying only I can walk that path.

BTW… i am a little tired so I am rambling a bit. I was in bed, but my brain would not turn off so I had to get up and try and burn out some of these thoughts that would not turn off. Yesterday was a tough day at work that turned into a 12 hour shift. Today I picked Adolfo up form work and he was acting like a possesed demon bitch from hell and went to bed without telling me hours ago. He thinks I am mad at him and I was not… but I was after he gave me shit about it. Ya know what I figured out about him???? I figured out when he is in a bad mood or on-the-rag he is not happy until everyone around him is pissed or miserable… then he miraculously is pleasant again. What the fuck is that about?!?!?!?!?!?

Another week has shot by and here I sit with a load of stuff on my brain. First of all, I updated a the gallery section of the site with some of the pics from SFO. I also added some pics from my presentations at the Venentian.

Adolfo and I made a trip to L.A. Friday night to go to his sister’s birthday, which was on Saturday. Well, the party was beautiful and it was so nice seeing so much of his family, that we decided to come home right after. We got on the road at 11:30 at night and hit Vegas about 3:30 am. Oh my God was it dangerous driving back. I am certain my eyes closed 3 times.

That probably won’t happen again. Ugh…

This promises to be a busy week. My schedule this week is going to be Tuesday to Saturday on the day shift so I am looking forward to Saturday afternoon… no plans as of yet.

Recently I heard from Kaidy from L.A. who came and stayed a couple days. I wanted to call Ed while I was near Long Beach, but it would have been impossible to meet up with him. Same with Jeffy-Jeff.

Oh well… I hope all are well. Someone let me know they are reading these. Add comments!!!!!!

xo Scott

Well, we’re back from SFO and back into the mode of life. Adolfo is at work right now. I am going to bed in 5 minutes. We spent WAY WAY too much money.

Anyway, all the pictures and more details will be posted soon. As I am slowly recovering from the journey I am thinking in my mind about more to come.

Kaidy is here visiting from L.A. and watching t.v. in the other room. Ugh… I need to get to bed so I can have the joy of going to work tomorrow. yipee…

This has been an interesting month, as it is ending in some pretty cool ways. I have a lot of goals and in achieving them I am stunned that I am making head-way.

We are leaving on vacation in a few days and will have some cool pictures to post. We will have some neat stories and more. I just found out that Chip from New York will be there on Thursday preparing for the San Francisco Marathon! We might get a chance to see him!!!

I talked with Allan in Texas last night for a while and I was taken by his new outlook on life. This was one of a few of freindships I severed and walked away from because it was getting to me. It was one of two people whom I cared for that I found myself too involved in thier lives and finding myself being very judgemental about what they did to themselves and other people around them.

It’s no more healthy for me to be involved as it is for me to be judgemental about it. For Allan or for Keith, for that matter. I find myself missing Keith in some ways.

I am glad I talked with Allan and saw where he is evolving in this existance. I am sure Keith is doing much in the same.

I recently sent out a mass e-mail to freinds and family saying “howdy”… none of those bitches replied… well, except Ken in Burmuda! Hey!!!!! I need more attention!

Later ya’ll

Today is my Sunday, but I have an extra day off this week which I am very happy about. I chose not to get paid for it, saving my flex-time (vacation time), so my next check will be slightly enemic (sp?).

I got the web sites uploaded finally. There are some minor changes I made already, but I want to do more updates.Of course, there are many more to come to my changing and evolving world.

Vacation plans are all made and there is room for exploraion and fun-having. I will be visiting SFO anew… I hope Adolfo can find it a positive expereince.

I have began figuring out that he rarely sees anything in a positive light. He almost never is excited about something. He almost never has a positive thing to say about expereinces. He is so afraid of “new” or change that it boggles my imagination.

On Queer Eye last night there was the girlfreind of the Strait Guy who was much like Adolfo… she could say nothing positive. She almost complained unceasingly. I was watching with Adolfo and that evening we had an brief bitch-moment about how negative he was…

I wonder if he saw the same paralells I did?????

xo