I was interrupted on yesterday’s posting. Not that I had that much more to do???? Anyway, I am off the next couple days, but am finishing up my shift tonight with a guy I really do not care for. I just want this night over with.

Anyway, I have been using my brain here and there trying to see the future. Usually I am better than this, but ever since coming to LV I have never been very in-tune with the spiritual side of me. In fact, I have been more removed in the last few years than ever before… in my whole life.

Cause and affect? Because I have been spiritually depraved* I am what I am and where I am in life? But, I am making more money than ever right now? Money isn;t everything, but I was raised and lived a life of ceretain excesses and dammit-Mary I want them and I want a comfortable life.

I always saw my future as being affluent. I am 40 not and feel like I am often seeing the shadowy side of the hill.. which makes me wonder if oppurtunity has drove by. Driven by, backed up, then ran my ass down in the street.

I called my buddy Ed the Topless Diva extraordinaire for his birthday, which is supposed to be 10/4 instead of 10/1 like I thought it was. I miss him so much.

Since living here I have burned through some local freindships very quickly. As transient as people are here their lives seem to be just as quickly-lived and burned out. I admit, I have a different attitude as well. I feel that if there is drama related to it I do not really want to be involved or hear about it. Which means, basically, unless you are a real freind to me I cannot invest in your issues because I have PLENTY of my own.

Why do I bring this up? Well, I had a big fall-out with two frinds here. The couple are guys we have known for like two years now. Without injecting anything that could be misunderstood (in the event this is read by one of them) I feell they are at times a little abrasive. I’m no angel, but I can be a ROYAL BITCH myself. It was B’s birthday and I feel bad this exploded during his celebration. I do not think K will aquies (sp?) so it makes me wonder how to be freinds again. I know if I wait too long the bonds will simply wither.

That or it was just meant to be … I got the sense K was venting a lot of thoughts he had been keeping to himself. Yes, I am a spoiled bi-otch. Yes, I have certain expectations out of places, people, events I attend blah blah blah.

I got dressed up for B’s birthday and we were heading to Ceasar’s to what I thought was a new restaurant at the new Augustus Tower. Turns out it was an older place in the original Ceasar’s Hotel. The place looked fancy-ish but I quickly started see that this place was nothing much more than a fancy Denny’s. It was called Fargo or something like that. The food was decent enough. The service was really bad.

I had a very good lobster there, but I also had a number of drinks. I was feeling pretty relaxed.

Anyway, they wanted to go to this bar I hate here called Goodtimes (TOILET X10). I was all set to buy everyone in our party a drink and was going to set up a tab when they told me they do not do tabs. Ugh… well, I k-vetched and subsequently alienated the bartender who got really snotty. Then K laid into me and that was it… I walked out. Walked home. And Adolfo and I did not talk for 3 days. Ugh… he was upset at me.

Nothing else I can do I guess. So, that is this my plight over the last few days. I think this entry is getting long. Boring. Oh well… Cheers!

*yes, I know it is spelled wrong.

The last week has been a lot of stress once again. No, no that twenty-something angst of the Real World. No, not the 30 something Friends farewell special. But a 40 something desperate house-homo like me trying to bang through life without actually shooting myself in the head.

Last week I became fixated on the idea that I was going to be fired from work. I was absolutely sure of it and there were a lot of signs pointing to that enevitable fact. Fact was I was not fired… even though I was forcing myself to seeing the “good side” of getting fired.

I had a dream one night, clear as a bell, that I walking in this office* that was huge, beautiful, and made out of glass and shaped like a giant dome with ornate metal webiing holding each pane of glass. I walked up to the desk where a man in a suit with mutton-chops and bola hat handed me an envelope with my address on it. It was written ornately and with one of those old ink-well pens. He said: “This is nothing personal, but we will no longer be needing your services.”

What the hell was that? I can see the whole dream clear as a bell, still. Then the next day I was scheduled to come in at 4pm to work the following day’s swing shift. But, my supervisor called me and said I was to come in at 9. So, well, why not fire me at the beginning of the day????? Seems pretty cut and dry?

You see, days before I had a falling out with a coworker and made someone else pissed off, blah blah blah, I thought I was finally at my end.

I was just feeling okay with it when hell, it turns out my boss gave HER notice! Oh crap.

Anyway, so I am considering doing my time here and moving on. I will work, earn some good money for a while, then eventually hit the road. I will play Cheryl Crow’s “Leaving Las Vegas” really loud as I drive out of town. This is it for me. This is the end. I am done and done.

The question remains… where next? What next?

On othe news…. I have been fighting with Adolfo for about a week now. I think we are facing a new juncture in our relationship. Growing pains as it were. Nothing too dramatic???? I dunno what the future holds, but I think we’re both strong enough no matter what happens. He does really well here in LV and I cannot imagine what he will ultimately do. He is excellent with fashion and clothing. He is so good at his job.

Today is my Friday…. I get to have the next couple of days off work. You know when there are certain things you need to do and you keep putting them off… then it turns out you are fucked in a bad way…. that’s me.

No, nothing dramatic. Just things that will make me happier. I got to finish my business plan. I need to lose 30+ pounds. Simple stuff like that… ugh.

———————-

Basically I have no real substance to offer in the way of an entry tonight. I am at work again, watching to 10pm to roll around. I will go running after work and I will sleep in late tomorrow thus eating up half of my day. I will pay bills tommorrow and figure out how I will pay my new Macy’s card along with all the other credit I seem to be consuming.

Ugh… what can I say?

Anyway, I am waiting to hear from Allan about his hurrican evacuation. So far he told me they packed as much crap in their car as they could and same back the next day (after hurricane) and it took forever to put thier household back together.

For the life of me I do not know why Allan does not have his own blog. He should!

Last night after work I ended up at a club called Krave here in Las Vegas. It is a high end queer club and this one was featuring cast members from the Zumanity show. It is a show filled with pure, disgusting, sexually depraved fun with drag queens, leather bitches, and all the fun stuff you want to tell your uptight mother about and do not.

Annnnnnnnyway, there were a lot of migit sized party twinks bopping around and some tired dinosaurs that should have hung up that cocktail gown a long time ago. It is the “high-end” club on the strip… the one boys become escorts to go to. Ha ha ha… I have not been to a club in soooooooooo long, Mary, but I had a good time.

No, I did not take Adolfo. Maybe that is why I had fun… JUST KIDDING. I do want to take him… wouldn’t you know as soon as I suggested it he pooped all over the idea. Bitch!!!

I still want to take him. I think he will like it. It has the best go go boys as any of the bars I have seen in this fucked up city.

Speaking of fucked-up… I don’t know it just seemed like the next natural line to begin typing.

….. that job with the famous-persona I talked about previously is in the air. Can’t say what, who, or where as of yet but am working on it. I was all hope-filled and the wife of person-X called me to say it’s all up up up up there because of famous-person-B.

You should see the menu I created for their lunch. I would like to make a roasted pork loin with a carmelized crust on it. I will put a braised Spinach with it and some other delicious thingies. These people are Atkins-people so I have to be thoughtful about WHAT goes into their food.

Nothing else to report for now…. except that the book I have been reading by the sexy and one and only Steven Saylor “A Gladiator Only Dies Twice” is awsome as usual! Read Steven’s books… he is adorable!

I di dnot have much time last night to make an entry. I finally felt like I could at the end of my workshift, but ran out of time.

I ran again last night and I was awful. 3 mile run and I felt like Baby Hewey with a full diaper. Ugh…. I can run on a treadmill easily enough the same distance, but this is harder. I thought it would be a breeze, but now… Aparently the gym has not been enough for me. I cannot focus and I am not getting the steam I need.

When I lived ib Boston I found someone who would workout with me and run… it was a cool arrangement… then we ran races together. It was a good thing, as Martha says, and I miss having someone to exercie with.

My weight has been about 235 up to 240 in recent months. I looked in the mirror and saw the direction my body was going in… BARF. So, I have to be really determined over the next 6 months to turn it all around. It is not fair for me to blame Adolfo for it, because the barriers are ones that I create with his name on them.

Granted, he says he likes me for me and all that crap. I do not accept me for me… that is all I know. I know I an always be better, but how to be better is going to be new to me. Anyway, I am toddling off for ne. Maybe we’ll talk later?

Went running last night after work and it was tougher than I expected. I run very well on the tredmill in the gym, but outside in real time it is harder. What happen????? Anyway, it’s time for me to start heading home. Goodnight, ya’ll

At work again and thinking about a lot of the stuff tyhat has been happening over the last week. Nothing significant, mind you, but enough that it can get my brain thinking. Imagine that?!?!?!

I got some good words from Gary, as previously mentioned… I see Terry dropped a few words though he did not submit his name. I guessed with the mentioning of his dear wife, Kathy. He threatened to change places with me… well, it is always greener in the next pasture, tiger. I sorta heard from Allan in Texas too… he called and left me a short voice mail.

I’ll call you back, I promise.

Today is my Monday… back to work and all. I came in and found out I had some training thing to do and I just psent the last 6 hours in it. The guy I was training with a one of the best guys I work with, but damn it is boring. I have a very short attention span.

It is also hard to put too much effort into a job that I am considering quitting already. Right now I am lookng into my hour glass trying to determine what my future holds. I have to accomplish a few things and I should create another blog that addresses my passions and goals alone.

• Lose 30+ pounds of fat (I know, cut off my head, ha ha ha)
• Let my passion and goals guide me, these I have let flicker and almost be snuffed out.
• Finish getting my finances in order.

Good news is that I may have a big-time celebrity client in the works for a cooking job in a couple weeks. I am very exceited and am extremely hopeful it will blossum into something really cool! It’s a one-shot deal, but I am excited. I did cook for this person before. BUT!!!! This time there are more famous people going to be there…. but I cannot say who so do not ask me.

Truthfully, I miss the cooking gig I had but I know as I move forward in life I will not find that again. I want a gig that I can feel somewhat secure in, but I want to be on a clear path toward owning my own restaurant. There is NO REASON why I cannot do it.

As far as meeting my goals, making the road to get there, I have fallen on my responsibilities to myself. I have not finished my financial plan though I have one restaurant basically designed… I have another also designed. Now I need a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$…. well maybe $$$$$$ …. because $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is just too much….

Where would I open a restaurant? Well, I have been thinking about it. Certainly any half-ass restaurant in Las Vegas can make money… there are a lot of half-ass places here so it has to be true. A good restaurant can make millionies!!!!! Other coices include… in order of preference:

• Seattle, WA
• Astoria, OR
• Chicago, IL
• Providence, RI
• Manchester, NH ………yes, all northern tier cities!

Well, this is what is on my mind this week. My weekend went by soooooo fast.

This weekend I also saw my freind from New Orleans and his lovely house was completely undamaged. I will send you a link soon. I also want some thought out to Allan in Houston… Austin… something like that with the new Hurricane cuming his way. Tell the Soula-Monster to hold her skirt down!!!!!!

Long day today… I got some good words from Gary off in Nebraska-way. I kept my ass busy all day and accomplished absolutely nothing. I did see a guy from Boston I knew, John, and we had dinner at this intriguing, yet so-so, restaurant next the the 15 freeway and Sahara called Artisan. I have never seen a place like this before.

The cocktail I had was good. We wandered over to Bluemoon after and sat naked in the jacuzzi. I left feeling pretty relaxed. THEN, Adolfo was in bitch-mode and fucked up the rest of the night.

Oh well… I hope tomorrow will be better. I planned on us spending the day together. Scott

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